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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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marji posted 4/2/2019 17:15 PM

demolished I think you explained very well and yes, it does sound very much like depression. I am not a therapist but have lots of experience dealing with depression in other people and yes, all you're describing fits the general clinical definition.

There are ways to deal with depression; exercise, running, walking, swimming, has some people feeling better if they do something everyday. Some people benefit for working with a good IC as well as exercising. Are you spending time with people you like and who like you? friends, relatives?

Wondering what you meant by loosing time with your children.

Are you getting proper rest and nutrition; eating well, sleeping well and doing nice things for yourself, doing what it takes so that you will not feel demolished inside or out. But I see you've been struggling with all this for several years now--just saw your registration as May 2015--so four years of dealing with the trauma.

But you are not alone though you do sound very tired. And about the jobs--hey, do you really need to feel ecstatic about them? Not sure lack of ecstasy re a job is a symptom of depression. Some people are ok with getting a job that is ok. And often we really don't know how we're going to feel about a new job till we've been at it a while.
Sounds good that you will have choices.

ashestophoenix posted 4/2/2019 18:47 PM

samil, I had an abnormal pap smear recently. My gynecologist told me the HPV virus can lie dormant for decades. (I had it in my 20's and I'm now in my 60's). So it could be from your husband, or it could be a virus that exists in you. If we've had more than one sexual partner, we probably have HPV.

demolished, I agree with marji. It sounds like you are depressed. It's completely understandable. It is something to be concerned about, but not ashamed about. I recommend talking to your doctor to see if you want to start on medication. Honestly, we deserve all the support resources we can find and I believe medication is another form of support.


sami1234 posted 4/2/2019 18:56 PM

Any of you ladies also have sexual trauma other than this in your past?

Yes. Sexual abuse for years as a young teen, sexual coercion/rape and now this. Honestly I'm beginning to think I could live without sex in my life. Is that sad? Or perhaps a great idea at this point.

demolished: have you tried an AD? Maybe that could help please see your doctor.

ashes: from what I've read the virus can lay dormant for a few months up to 20 years. I've been married over 35. So there's that math. Had to happen during the M. Multiple A's in 2015...kind of lines up. I've always tested negative before. Unfortunately there is no test for HPV for men.So he tested clean and felt relieved but they don't test for this. I thought I was in the clear until the gyn called this week.

demolishedinside posted 4/2/2019 19:27 PM

I am in IC. Iím not working so Iím not able to really go to the doctor right now. Iím lucky that my IC was so stunned by dday2 that she keeps me on for free. Itís the best gift anyone has ever given me.

I have tried ADs. I hate the side effects. I will do it if I have to. Iím clearly resistant. You are right, though, as the weather gets better, I should try to get out and walk more. That may help. Itís still chilly but Iím guessing we will have luck with the weather in the next few weeks.

Losing time with my kids= visitations they will have with their dad. Iím grieving in advance. He is still living here. He does not see a reason to go. I donít yet have money to file. He seems fine with the status quo. I find it cruel.

Yes. April 27 was my dday. So four years. Lots of IC, MC. Then we moved. I quit my job and woke up to a Facebook message from OW2. He cheated two days before moving. So I have moved to another state and then back in two months. Itís insane.

I get masssges when I can and I do see friends. I am in a bible study, though it will soon end. Iím trying. Do you not feel any of the feelings I mentioned? I think my WH will find someone new quickly. Iím just not in a place to do that. Thinking about trying to deal with a stepmom in their lives is overwhelming. I guess first I need him to move out

marji posted 4/2/2019 20:39 PM

Demolished don't know where you live or the conditions but if it's just cold weather and not ice and snow then try putting on some warm clothes and getting out there. If it's not icey and dangerous you might find your spirits lifted. You might also try working a daily mindfulness program at home; it may help you to avoid grieving in advance.

You say you cannot see a doctor because you are not working but perhaps there is a clinic in your area or you can get temporary medical insurance until you do work again. Again, don't know where you live and different places offer different services but if you go into an Emergency center of a hospital you might be able to get medication and you might find one that doesn't have side effects.

Great that you do spend time with friends and that you were doing a bible class. Perhaps you can take another class or start a new hobby.

You've had to deal with so much demolished but you are a strong and smart and good person. Their betrayals almost always have us feeling bad about ourselves; having a disloyal, abusive, disrespectul partners does not an ego boost. We can lose confidence in ourselves, in our worth. Their badness can really mess us up. So we have to work hard not to let that happen. And when we have children we have to work doubly hard since we have to get our lives back not just for ourselves but for them. So again, please know that you are not alone--it's great that you have an IC who is not chagrinning you. That must mean that she feels you are a very special, strong and really good person or she would not be helping you this way.

So just remind yourself of your goodness and value, use affirmations and start doing for yourself each day as much as possible.

sami1234 posted 4/3/2019 08:15 AM

demolished I think you will start to see all of this differently if you do not R. Time taken away from your kids will be time yo can work on yourself FOR your kids. Him finding someone new quickly...sad for them...he will do this again because he is broken! He is not winning. You my friend, will come out ok because it is HE that is broken.

Take this one step at a time, although I know it is overwhelming. You are not anywhere near having to deal with a stepmom and may never have to do that. Try to worry about things day to day. Think about what you can do today, tomorrow will take care of itself. I know this is hard when you are completely overwhelmed, but when we get into these stress modes we end up worrying about things that actually never come to pass. That is how we are wired biologically.

Make a list on paper of all things that bring you pleasure right now. Massage, 5 minutes in the sun, taking a walk, exercise, getting your nails done. baking, whatever...then do some of those every day. Your mantra right now is "me first!" When that is done you can tend to other things in your life.

demolishedinside posted 4/3/2019 08:49 AM

I canít think of a single way I can R. I canít imagine ever having sex with him or trusting him like that. What is incredibly sad is that he does love the kids and he does a lot with them and for them. Heís a hard worker and seemingly empathetic in his work. He makes dinner and does laundry and helps around the house. I thought we made a good team.

I guess my point is that like all of us, I thought we had a decent life and marriage four years ago. We did help each other. Honestly, if something happened to me medically, I know he would fight for me and do the right things. I simply canít understand the minutes of ego boost that he must feel are worth losing all of this.

So yes. I have to walk away from a more stable financial situation and protect myself emotionally. I just feel like either choice is such a loss.

Thank you, Marji and Sami for your encouragement. It does feel like they win sometimes.

ashestophoenix posted 4/3/2019 08:59 AM

I have to walk away from a more stable financial situation and protect myself emotionally. I just feel like either choice is such a loss.

demolished, that is exactly what I feel. My divorce attorney told me that he had a hard time recommending what I should do: stay, and it's bad emotionally; leave, and I take a huge financial hit. With my husband being 14 years older, my attorney said, "try to wait it out." In other words, wait until he dies. And I sat there calmly listening to that. Never, ever thought I'd have a conversation with a divorce attorney about optimal timing of my husband's death.

I agree with samil. They don't win. Yes, they won when they were in their secret life and we didn't know anything about it. They pulled a huge con job on us and used us. Maybe they loved us. My husband didn't love me, though he needed me. But, like samil says, they don't really win. They are so terribly destructive. They have no integrity. And they are actually sad and lonely under all that BS. And inept and immature to boot.

I had a friend from high school that I had lost touch with who recently died. I was shocked. But I realized, I wasn't ready to go yet. I still have life left to live. It was a gift to have that awareness.

I'm NOT going to let my husband win by having me feel bad about myself anymore. Still working on that but getting better.


whoami62 posted 4/3/2019 10:51 AM

I returned from my weekend with my family out of state...WH did go with me and once again, I pretended to everyone else that we are as stable as they all assume on an every day basis..
I somehow put all my sadness and devastation aside and really enjoyed being with my mother, daughter and her partner and also seeing my dear friend.

Unfortunately, I ended up catching one hell of a cold that came on so suddenly that it impacted my asthma...ended up with a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia.

I strongly believe that my immunities are weakened when I am in emotional distress and turmoil.

This put me in a vulnerable position with my husband, because I needed him to take me to the dr and hospital.

So now, we were supposed to be in an in-house separation , but we are right back to where we were before my discovery last week...
This is just so hard

He is going to see his IC and also attending his first group meeting with other sex addicts in the therapist's office.

His IC has emailed me for information regarding evidence I found that support my revelations with the woman he has been sending money to , and also asked me for the emails between her and I. I am not sure why ...is he questioning that I am telling the truth ? Is he questioning that I was clear about her not contacting WH ?

I wonder if he thinks that it isn't an issue that he was communicating with her still after NC rules were established , or if he is minimalizing it because it wasn't a physical affair..

We shall see

demolishedinside posted 4/3/2019 11:47 AM

Ashes to Phoenix,

Iím sorry that you are in the same situation. And man...I canít imagine hearing what the lawyer told you and remaining calm. Itís funny. I told people I was trapped , and they all argued with me. But honestly, it really seems that way. I wish he would move in with his dad and take his stuff and just let me live here. If I have to stay married in name, then so be it. But having him here as a reminder every day is awful and Iím waiting to see where the heck Iím going to live. Itís just such a mess.

Somber posted 4/3/2019 16:39 PM

Glad you made the best of your weekend. Too bad you got sick. It's okay that he took care of you, when you are feeling better you can restart the path you were heading on. It is a windy road with lots of bumps and stops along the way...but you will get where you need to be.

Sami, I am so sorry for your new discovery of HPV. I fear many of us will go through this. I am going to PM you.

Somber posted 4/3/2019 16:49 PM

I need some help!

So my WH hasn't admitted to being a SA until maybe days ago. He randomly asked if he could fix things with us. I told him I know he continues to lie and cheat on me in varying ways, I admitted to scanning his phone. I said unless he fixes himself then no there is no fixing us. He started by denying...I quickly told him to stop insulting my reality. I shut him up for the first time calling him on what I knew to come. I said that I didn't want to be disrespected further with his denial, minimization, manipulation and gaslighting. I said I wasn't interested in discussing the details I know as I am no longer interested in his narcissistic traits to screw with my reality of what I know.
Fast forward a few days of walking on egg shells later...he is now trying to find a trauma centre to deal with his addictions and PTSD. So here I now feel guilty to push a separation which is what I want. I feel that it is not right to leave someone when they are seeking help...I want to know if it is okay to leave either way. I am also aware that he has brought up rehab, etc before at other times we were on the fence of separating...so I am not sure if this is manipulation or if he is serious.
Does it matter? Should it matter?

secondtime posted 4/3/2019 17:12 PM


How do you think you can help your husband when he's recovering?

Do you think you need to live in the same residence to provide that help or work repair the relationship?

(I think it's OK if you continue to separate.)

whoami62 posted 4/3/2019 17:41 PM

His IC got me thinking since he asked me to share what I have discovered.
..so I looked at his Amazon account history and found more fucking lies...when I asked him if he ever gave AP jewelry ( and I have asked him repeatedly, as recently as a week ago )

he addamently denied it...except for the pearl earrings, necklace, shitty ring and birthstone / diamond ring he sent her, along with a diamond necklace he had in his saved items

Also found a cell phone case in pink that he sent to EA person 10 months ago ...and I asked him if he sent her a phone to go with it...his response, " NO , but I sent her one of the old phones we don't use anymore "

I swear to God, this man is such a LIAR.

I am ready to snap...have been without my IC for a month now and no one to talk to
I have an appointment with new IC tomorrow , but I am not feeling hopeful.
My life feels like a giant pile of shit

Somber posted 4/3/2019 17:44 PM

Secondtime, I think I would help by being supportive, Iím not sure how to do that if we separate and start that stressful process. I think that the stress would be counterproductive to his rehab. I suppose this is my codependent traits surfacing.

Financialy, unless we sell our home, living apart would be difficult. The prices of houses in our area are unattainable.

I really donít think the relationship is repairable considering the damage done and trust depleted. Despite what he does I expect that I would never truly feel safe and always fear a reoccurrence. I just always debate staying in my mind but it is purely for my children not for me that I consider it.

whoami62 posted 4/3/2019 18:13 PM

Everything in his life will fall apart if I leave him
The business will collapse
We will be in financial ruin
He has every one of my credit cards maxxed out
He will lose his children from his life

And he will take me down with him , so basically I am fucked at every turn...all because of his sex addiction

marji posted 4/3/2019 18:56 PM

whoami Just reading about your H's IC asking you for copies of your emails with the woman and to tell give him information about what know. This type of request is unusual though if you have already met with your H's IC and had discussed reasons for his wanting this type of information and you and your H agreed to do this, then it would seem appropriate. But if you have never met with your H's IC and have not previously discussed such disclosures I think you might want to speak with this IC in person or by phone to hear why he is asking for this and what he is planning to do with what you send.

After you speak with him then you decide how you want to proceed.
He may well have very good reasons that you agree with but it might be wise to discuss it first.

And your last forecast is indeed very dire. Are those are the things he is saying to keep you in the marriage or are those your predictions?

sami1234 posted 4/3/2019 19:03 PM

Saw my IC today. Scheduled colposcopy/biospy for my positive HPV test. Emailed (out of town) WH regarding HPV results...conquering the world today!!! Woohoo!!

marji posted 4/3/2019 19:04 PM

Somber A trauma center is not what an SA normally goes to work on his addiction. There are rehab centers that specialize in SA. And spouses and partners are not expected to help them achieve sobriety. SA is not an illness that we'd normally be expected to or want to help with. Essential to their recovery is their desire to become healthy and working with their support group, with their therapists, with their sponsors is usually the way it comes about.

We need to be working on our own recovery and if that means we need to live away then that is what is best for us and our children.

whoami62 posted 4/3/2019 19:32 PM

@marji, yes these are facts I stated , nit manipulation tactics from my SAWH.
He plays Russian roulette with my credit cards to pay our suppliers , and we are in bad shape financially .

One might think that he would have recognized this and refrained from sending money to one of his chat room lady friends that he feels sorry for.

I caught him in November exchanging photos, have seen more since and although I am at the point of having to make payment arrangements with the electric company to keep our lights on, he still sent her money because she lives in Venezuela and is starving...please forgive me if my compassion is running low.

Didn't help much for our reconciliation to learn that he also sent his former AP jewelry over the years , despite me repeatedly asking him if he ever gave her jewelry

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