SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here's my situation. Been happily married for 16 years. 3 years into our happy marriage, before we had any children, my wife had an affair. After some separation and observation, it was clear that my wife was remorseful and was taking the appropriate steps to repair what she had done. She took full responsibility, never tried to blame me or our relationship, and so I decided to give the relationship another chance. Over the years I healed, and our relationship healed. We have four children now, and continued to have a happy marriage. Three months ago I discovered she was having another affair. This affair was deeply emotional and very sexual and had lasted for about 2 months. This time the pain has been unbearable. She's cut off contact with the affair partner and again is taking full responsibility and accountability and wants to work things out. As I write this I know what you're all thinking - "You're an idiot." Perhaps I am for even considering it. I feel a lot of shame for considering it. I'm more heavily leaning toward leaving the marriage, but I'm not sure. She's my best friend, we have four kids ages 4-11. She's going to intense therapy to try and identify the issue(s) that led her to do this twice. The pain, regret, and self-hatred she's feeling is real and sometimes I think is even more intense than the emotions I'm feeling. For those of you who have experienced multiple affairs, is it going to happen a third time? Can I fully trust her again and have a real marriage with this person, or is it hopeless? Appreciate any objective input.

Find your truth.

To do that, take a breath. Then another. Inhale. Exhale.

Try to figure out how to relax. This is the most difficult thing. Look through The Healing Library (yellow box, top left). Most important, learn about The 180 and implement that. Create space between yourself and her.

Ultimately, you need to be able to look at her objectively. That is the only way you will find your truth.

Good luck.

She's cut off contact with the affair partner and again is taking full responsibility and accountability and wants to work things out.

What are the tangible, actual things she has done to take accountability and responsibility? Does she just say that or have there been actions?

Here is my suggestion for a tangible action. Divorce you right now on very favorable terms to you. Ignore whatever your local law says for maintenance and child support and take nothing. Then stay living together, stay in the same house and stay for all intents and purposes "married". You don't even have to tell anyone you divorced. Then if you want down the line you can remarry, if she can stay faithful and if not well then you can walk away clean.

That to me would prove she is taking "full responsibility and accountability"

Ask yourself what she is doing differently this time post Dday than the first Dday.

Did she get counseling the first time?

Did YOU get counseling the first time?

FWS was a serial cheater. He was "caught" three times and didn't change his behavior until the third time. So...will you be able to ever trust her again?

No. But you will trust her to the extent that you are willing to be hurt.

What motivation does she have to not have another affair? Maybe a post-nup is in order. Maybe you need her to move out of the family home to give you and the kids some space and for her to prove to you she is committed to fixing herself.

Watch her actions and not her words. Keep your eyes open.

k9

You gave her the gift of a second chance and she betrayed you again. As if that second chance meant nothing to her. That's the bottom line.

I've been in R with my WW for 7 years, married for 30. But if she ever cheats again she won't get a third chance. It was demeaning enough the first time and I couldn't look myself in the mirror if I decided to stay with a serial cheater.

I never advise BS's to R with a serial cheater and I'm not going to start now. I hope you make the right decision.

As I write this I know what you're all thinking - "You're an idiot."

Nope. I'll rephrase that to show you what I'm thinking.

As I write this I know what you're all thinking - "she's an idiot."

You are in a situation most of us who are in R fear.

Take care of yourself and your children for the time being.

We are taking your word for it that she is truly remorseful. If that is the case then she needs really intense therapy. She is missing something inside and trying to fill it up with affairs. It might be an addiction to Euphoria . Does she have highs and lows? If so she might be suffering from some form of bipolar disorder. This is when the rubber meets the road. You need to demand that she have a complete physical and mental work up. You cannot make any decision about your marriage until she gets some sort of handle on her behavior. This site is for people dealing with infidelity but sometimes the reasons behind it are so entrenched that finding them takes a very long time.

She's going to intense therapy to try and identify the issue(s) that led her to do this twice

Yes. He's the guy that hasn't left.

So the first time she took full responsibility, then went ahead and doubled down and had a second more intense affair?

I ask, where did she get the time? Four kids unless you're a stay at home dad? sure any relationship can survive but she's done this to you twice.

It's what you can put up with I guess.

FijiMan

Sorry you had to find us. Are you an idiot? No, and some folks definitely been able to reconcile and have good marriages post A. But it does take 2 people 110% committed to making it work. And it takes LOTS of time. Please go read the bullseye posts (look for some on pages 2-4 as well...they move toward periodically. They will give you an idea of the timelines, what to expect. And just remember you cannot R alone.. she needs to be doing the heavy lifting on rebuilding your M.

For you— got get STD tested today. And she needs to as well, and show you her results. This needs to be non-negotiable. Health first.

Are you in IC? You should think about it. A huge trauma has just occurred and you will need the space to process it and decide your path. You DO NOT need to decide if you want to R or D today. You may be in shock still and just in a place where you can take a step back and see what the best forward is for you.

I am glad to hear she is in IC. She needs it. I am also glad to hear you are not taking any of the blame, which is correct. This is 100% on her. What else is she doing to SHOW you she is safe (b/c words are cheap and easy— actions are what really matters)? Full transparency on all devices, accountability on her whereabouts, complete lack of defensiveness when you ask questions or get upset? All these are important.

Is the AP married? If so, expose to his wife. This will kill the affair for good usually and is only fair to the OBS. She needs to know so she can make decisions in her world.

See a lawyer (or three). Not necessarily to file but to learn what D might look like just in case. The knowledge will help you think clearly and with less fear of the unknown.

Keep posting, and sorry you had to find us.

Can you provide more context? For example, who, how they met, how it escalated to a PA.

How did you find out?

Thank you all for your comments and support. Some very interesting thoughts. I'll try and answer some of the questions. After the first affair we went to couples counseling only a few times, and did not do IC. A regret now knowing that we failed to identify and fix the issue. We're both in IC now, and have attended a few sessions of couples counseling as well, but since I'm not sure I want to stay in the marriage we're focused more on IC right now.

Where did she find the time? When I was at work, the kids were at school and my youngest was in daycare. She met the guy at the gym. He pursued her for 8 months. He's not married. He's 8 years younger than my wife. She finally surrendered to his pursuits.

How did I find out? I noticed she was on her phone a lot so one morning I was awake before her, I got her phone and found graphic sexual messages between her and the affair partner on Instagram. I will likely never forget much of the content of those messages.

You guys ask some good questions about what she's doing to show her remorse. It took her some time to break off contact with the affair partner, and I was not seeing what I needed to see. We separated and took turns in a hotel for 3 weeks. Now she's given me access to all her social media accounts, deleted social media from her phone, changed her phone number, quit the gym, gone to counseling, gone to our ecclesiastical leader, she's been excommunicated from our Church, she's been reading books on how to reconcile, she's been transparent with me whenever I ask questions, etc. etc. So all of this is good; but perhaps the damage is already done.

My H had two Affairs 15 years apart. First was a 4 year EA - he was not in love with her but refused to end it. He loved the ego boost.

Second A started as an EA turned into a PA (they both deny “sex” but I believe there was sexual contact but maybe not Intercourse - it that it matters it’s still cheating). He wanted a D after knowing the OW six months.

So we have survived two of his As. The first was rugswept (mid 1990s) and EAs were not recognized. The cheaters got away with b/c no sex = no cheating.

Last A I changed. I finally stood up to him and stopped being a doormat. Financially I protected myself with a post nup. I told him I was D him. He never expected it and I wasn’t bluffing - I had my plan B in place.

Will he cheat again? He could. But I know I will survive it and D him in a heartbeat. It will be easy as my children are older and custody issues are not in the mix. House is sold and I get alimony and we go our separate ways.

I don’t live my life “what if” anymore. Life was s too short and he is either a H or not. If this Marriage isn’t what he wants I expect him to say so. Not cheat and not be a coward.

But I would be surprised if he cheated b/c he has changed also. In a positive way. Because he knows I have no patience or understanding left for infidelity.

Maybe when I told him I was D him on DDay2 it was the kick in the pants he needed. He figured me for the wrong person b/c he thought I was weak.

Turns out he has been a coward our entire M when it comes to facing issues in our M. I have been the one to talk about it all. He would avoid it like the plague. And now I won’t let him.

@The1stWife

Are you happy in your marriage? Are you glad you stayed? It sounds like your recovery has gotten you to a place where you can tolerate the marriage; but have you been able to find happiness in the marriage after 2 affairs?

You guys ask some good questions about what she's doing to show her remorse. It took her some time to break off contact with the affair partner, and I was not seeing what I needed to see. We separated and took turns in a hotel for 3 weeks. Now she's given me access to all her social media accounts, deleted social media from her phone, changed her phone number, quit the gym, gone to counseling, gone to our ecclesiastical leader, she's been excommunicated from our Church, she's been reading books on how to reconcile, she's been transparent with me whenever I ask questions, etc. etc. So all of this is good; but perhaps the damage is already done.

That's a darn good start for her (after the slow beginning).

Only time will tell whether she really fixes her self.

If you haven't decided already that you're done, then take some time, see what she does over the next few months, and re-evaluate what you want.

There's no rush to decide one way or the other, unless you know you are done - then you are done.

Stay in the IC. That'll be the best for you to process what's happened, how you feel about it, and what you want for the future.

Stay strong. You'll get through this.

Have you asked her why she did it and if so, what was her reply?

Also, do you have all the graphic gory details from her? You say it was extremely sexual. What do you mean by this?

How old are the two of you?

It sounds like she was not immediately remorseful and you gave her an opportunity to get her ducks in a row before she "showed her remorse".

FijiMan

first Affair - help

She took full responsibility, never tried to blame me or our relationship, and so I decided to give the relationship another chance.

Second Affair - Help

again is taking full responsibility and accountability and wants to work things out

and if you work it out

third Affair - Help

again is taking full responsibility and accountability and wants to work things out

SHE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU

Quit any couples counseling for now. It will be a waste of time.

I would also suggest you go talk to an attorney. Learn your rights and how this affects you. See what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids.

Take some time and think. This is your second time through this. Don't commit to R right away. Your natural response is to try to save the M, almost everyone does. Don't feel bad about yourself. YOU didn't do anything wrong.

And that is one of the keys. Your WW messed up (again). SHE needs to be the one to fix the trust that she broke, not you.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. If you do decide to try R, make sure your WW has earned it by her ACTIONS. As others have said, it is really easy to SAY the right things. She needs to show you by putting your needs first.

I'm 39

Wife is 37

Four kids ages 4-11

Dday 1 - January 2006

Dday 2 - May 19, 2018

Are you sure that all of the kids are yours?