SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife had an affair for 3 years. DDay was 2 months ago. It was a person she went to school with and who she had attemped to contact very early in our relationship (weve been together 19 years, married 11, 3 kids). She says it was just sexual, no emotions. Once I found out she cut off all contact and wants to reconcile. She claims their meetings were very sporadic and met 10 times but would text and send pics.

Im devastated. I was her first and now im not her only. She was honest about everything for the most part but minimized the times they met up (still think she is) and a few other things. She said she always used protection but at this point its hard for me to believe anything she says. She gave me all her passwords, access to everything, her phone and even put a tracker so I can see where she is at all times. I even have her apple id so she cant download any apps since she used an app to contact him the last year which didnt leave behind any info. Were going to church, both doing MC and IC. It just seems like nothing is helping.

I honestly dont know what to do.

Since I found out I moved out. She was very remorseful and pleaded me to stay and come back but the last couple days she now has been more angry. Angry at herself she says but also angry and frustrated how I react to when she tells me things/truths that hurt and how my own anger doesnt allow me to have good communication. Oddly enough her anger gets in the way when I express that I dont know how I could ever get over this and that I dont believe anything she says. She said she is willing to take a poly test, Im just debating if its worth it at this point. Her being so defensive and upset bothers me but I also feel ive maybe worn her down. Its just caused more problems as of late. Gaslighting also on her part which I hate.

Weve been intimate since the discovery, probably “hysterical bonding” but I found myself competing with AP, trying to prove to her and myself that Im enough. She tells me im more than enough and she wants me and only me but its hard to believe when whe cheated. She says she doesnrt want anything to do with him anymore and that I need to stop bringing him up because im letting him back into our marriage.

I really feel I should move on but its hard given how long weve been together and our kids. But ive been told the divorce route isnt any easier than trying to reconcile. I had decided I would exhaust all options before making my decision as I dont want any regrets. But moving back and trying to make this work feels so painful and if I was somone looking in, I would tell myself to leave and have her deal with the consequences of her actions. Im stuck in limbo and I feel I will never be able to make a decision. Our immediate family knows which makes my decision ever harder. I feel I should have more self respect for myself but Ive also been told Im more of a man for even trying to attempt to work it out.

Also the mind movies are bad. I dont know if I should ask for more details but I wonder if she did anything with him she didnt do with me or if he was way better. Its an awful, awful feeling. She says I can ask anything but I dont want to hear something that will haunt me.

She says she loves me but hard to believe when she did this.

Sorry for the long rant. I feel hopeless, alone and in pain. Just want to know if its worth trying to reconcile. Figured this would be the best place to do this.

Whether you decide to R or D is a totally personal decision. I initially filed for D shortly after my WW confessed her ONS (I suspected there was more but could not prove it) and we separated. But five months later I decided to stop the D proceedings after she tracked me down and convinced me to give her another chance. She had made massive changes in her lifestyle, attitude, and demeanor to save our M. I have never regretted my decision to R or felt like I failed to respect myself by doing so. We have moved on to have a very fulfilling M. However, we did not have any children when I decided to initially file for D. It would have been a tougher decision for me if we had children.

If your WW’s infidelity is a dealbreaker for you, so be it. It is for many. If that is the case then there is nothing she can do to convince you to stay in the M, so she would not need counseling or remorse. However, if you are not sure at this point what to do, time is your ally. If you don’t want to move back home don’t. But don’t make any major decisions quite yet. You are still on the emotional rollercoaster. Your anger and pain comes in waves. Your WW should be willing to handle your anger without defensiveness since she caused it!

Watch to see if she demonstrates remorse for her actions not just regret at getting caught. (Did she confess? Or did you find her out?). Take the time to figure out what each option R or D means to you and your children. Strength to you moving forward.

Thank u Fareast. I initially founf out when I checked her Instagram DMs. She had sent him a pic and he replied in a sexual manner. She lied for a week that it wasnt physical but then she finally comfessed it was. Very traumatizing for me.

She began making changes but the more we talk, the more we both get frustrated and things get worse. If I saw a consistent change in her and not temporary, I think I could go back.

Im just destroyed and cant see me ever forgiving her even tho I would want to be with her. Limbo has been a catch 22 because I enjoy being able to have her again but I knoe weree not bck to being really together

Two things for you, Hurt, but first, welcome to the family no one asks to be part of. I am sorry that you are here.

The first thing you need to be doing is taking care of you and the three kids. Make sure you are eating, drinking plenty of water, sleeping what you can & exercising. Right now, even at 2 months out, you are still in shock. At this point, the MC may do more damage than good. This isn't a communication issue and unless the MC specializes in infidelity, the time and money being spent are wasted. Don't worry about that. Many have made the same mistake. Keep seeing your IC and take care of you.

B. Don't make any decisions about reconciliation at this point. You need to see what your wife really does now that she has been caught. Common thought around these parts is to wait 6-12 months before making a major decision.

Read in the healing library a lot (upper left side). Many good things there. Has your wife read How To Help Your Spouse Heal by Linda MacDonald? It is a very good read and, if she is serious about making things right and healing the relationship, she needs to read through and act.

Ultimately, her actions over time (6-12 months, not 2) will determine whether she is worthy of the gift of reconciliation. It is a gift and you, as the giver, get to determine when and if it is truly extended.

Keep posting and keep asking any questions you have. Many more will also be along to help out.

Praying for you and your wife.

ETA: There is a saying around here that goes "Take what you need and leave the rest." In general, that means that not everyone's situation or even belief structure will mirror yours. When given advice, take what will work for you and your situation and just ignore the rest.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 6:50 PM, July 2nd (Monday)]

Your WW should really get in to IC to help her deal with her brokenness to be able to betray you and your children. She needs to put down her defensiveness and realize that nothing in the M caused her to cheat. It was her own decision to spread her legs for another man, and she really needs to come to terms with how she could do this. MC is not the answer. She should definitely seek IC.

You need to be tested for STDs as does she. You need to see an attorney to learn your rights. Eat healthy, take plenty of liquids, exercise, and get sleep with aids if necessary. It is important to take care of your health. Over time you will get a good sense whether your WW is a candidate for R, or whether D is the best choice for you.

I’m sorry. It can take 2-5 years to get over her A.

It is really too soon to decide D or Reconciliation. Sorry to say.

I think you should live apart for as long as YOU need to. Do not allow her to demand you return home until you are ready.

Right now she needs to understand the impact and trauma you are dealing with. And I doubt she really gets it sorry to say. At least not right now.

But in time she may start to understand. I hope she does.

This is a critical time in your M. You need this time to regain your strength and control and restore the balance of power in the M. . She is counting on being able to control the situation.

My last DDay was 5 years ago this week. It was his second A.

At DDay2 after months of false R where I thought he ended the A but it was in fact still going on - I had my plan B and I executed. I told him I loved him but could not live like this any longer. He was free to be with OW and I was D him.

Calm and rational. Emotionally barren. No yelling. No cursing. Just finally realized I could not make him change and I was done with the pick me dance.

Best thing I ever did. I restored my control, self esteem and power in one fell swoop.

Been that way for 5 years b/c he is now afraid I will D him.

And I strongly suggest if you R you obtain a post nup!! I made my H sign one as a condition to R. He did so willingly.

If we D for ANY reason any assets in my name are not marital assets. If I now decide to D him - the pre-Nup stands. I get 50% of all his assets and he gets 0% of mine.

Im just saying - you have to protect yourself. If she so desperately wants to R - she needs to prove it. A 3 year A is tough to face and get over. It’s not just a one night stand or a fling. Emotions are involved.

Do not go back home until you are ready. She is counting on being in control. And when she can not control - you my friend restore your power in the R. My H lost his control when I told him I was D him. He never ever expected I would stand up to him and assert myself.

My I no longer give a crap attitude was in full force and effect. And I made it work for me.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:06 PM, July 2nd (Monday)]

Hurt, you might consider moving this thread to the Just Found Out forum. You'll get a lot more advice there.

Butforthegrace, do I ask someone to move it or just repost it in there?

Thx for the input 1stWife. The length of the affair is what really bothers me. She has said from the beginning no emotions were involved, it was just sex. They never had plans to be together or for her to leave me. I still dont buy it. Most of their interactions from what she says were over the phone and text. She has said they didnt meet up often but even then, 3 years gives a lot of timr to hook up. 10 times to me seems like shes still minimizing. She has said she can get him on thr phone to confirm, im at the point where Im going to let her do it cuz im tired of the “I dont remember” or “I dont know”

[This message edited by Ichthus at 10:32 AM, July 3rd (Tuesday)]

OMG so many red flags with your wife!!!!! Ill post them.

anger doesnt allow me to have good communication

good communication you say? how was being lied to for 3 years good communication??

She says she doesnt want anything to do with him anymore and that I need to stop bringing him up because im letting him back into our marriage.

good old blameshifting right here. its now your fault he is still lingering in the marriage... ROFLOL.... the things waywards will say.

These are not the words of a remorseful wife. She may get there but she has a shit ton of work to do. She needs to be in IC to work on her issues. You need IC to start focusing on yourself.

You dont have to decide anytime soon. You get to make most of the rules now. Move back in on your own timing. I allowed myself to try and reconcile too early and did not realize how much of a Roller coaster ride this is.

She needs to own her shit, she needs to be the one to take all of the blame and not put it on you. You didnt LIE and FUCK for 3 years.

MC wont really help you guys right now because there really is not two people who are ready to work on the marriage. She is just doing what she can so her world doesnt blow up. She needs a couple of 2x4 to the head to wake her up.

I am over 2 years past Dday and this shit still burns. I have moved back in and I still dont know if I want to stay or go. If i did not have a kid, I think I would leave. My wife's affair was very short. I dont think I could handle it if my wife had a 3 year long affair.

Oh and be prepared for more, you are likely only getting the tip of the iceberg. Im sure there is more. you also need to protect yourself financially, she may just be playing nice to get her things in order so she can leave you. Consider opening up your own account to protect your money, also talk to a lawyer to understand your rights.

The mind movies will make you crazy, I had to know the details because my mind was making up way worse stuff... it also gave me a chance to see if she could start being honest with me. I asked her tough questions about it and i already knew the answer just to see if she would be honest.

I am sorry you are here, if you stay... it will be a brutal 2-5 year period, the ups and downs are enough to go insane. It really is PTSD.

[This message edited by Ichthus at 4:16 AM, July 3rd (Tuesday)]

Actually, JFO attracts responses from too many folks who think one solution fits all, so I think you may get fewer but better responses here.

If you want to have this moved, though, start s thread with a title of 'Mod, Please.'

A mod will respond, and they have awesome powers.

*****************************************

Something that really helped me was http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250.

I kept SI to myself, but I printed the 1st post of that thread off and gave it to my W. It had some impact.

Also, there are a number of threads identified by 'bull's eyes' that are usually big helps to new BSes - they're on the top of page 3 in JFO. A thread called 'Great Posts for Newbies to Read' is on the bottom of page 1 or the top of page 2 right now.

R is eminently possible for you if your W becomes honest (no more lies), transparent, stays NC (no contact with ap), etc., etc., etc.. She's not there yet, but she may get there, especially if she realize that's what she has to do.

If she doesn't want to change, or is she's unwilling to do the necessary work, some/many/most BSes choose D and rightfully hold their heads high.

*************************************

Don't fear the 2-5 year timeline for recovery - it usually takes some months (2-6?) to get to rock bottom, and life gets better after that, slowly at first, but the improvement accelerates.

I urge you not to think about R or D right now but to think about yourself.

Drink water, not alcohol,

no unprescribed drugs,

eat if you can,

sleep if you can,

move/exercise,

let yourself feel the anger grief, fear and shame and let the feelings flow through and out of your body

focus on what you want

make sure your kids are taken care of.

I know it sounds difficult, but you really can survive this and thrive.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:20 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday)]

I am not going to say reconcile or divorce. That’s a highly personal choice and totally dependent upon the people involved.

I would add this though, you should have your wife write a timeline of what happened and where with as much detail as he can muster. Then polygraph her on the accuracy of the timeline’s content. The sooner this happens the better.

Also, it’s important to note that the old marriage is just gone. There’s no going back to ‘before’. You’re doomed to fail if that’s your goal. It is possible to build something new and different though. There will be some major gains and losses and the new marriage will be very different. It also takes an ungodly amount of effort. I’m talking guy wrenchingly painful work. I wish I had known this way back when.

Best of luck to you.

I agreed with Stayed. This is personal decision with many variables. Kids, money, friends and family all come into play.

I agree with you that the defensiveness is a problem. Does it really matter if they did it 10 times or 15? If she thinks that taking a poly that she is telling the truth, and you will automatically trust her? she is mistaken. Her affair was 3 years, she is good at hiding it, you won't feel safe for a long time. It can come back, but not if she is putting this back on you.

At two months frankly she should still be kissing your ass begging you to stay.. She should be answering every question no matter how many times you ask it. You are not bringing him into the marriage, she did.

If she cant be patient with you now after two months, what will she be like in 2-5 years which seems to be the normal amount of time it takes to get over this betrayal. You will be angry, probably even more so in year two.

She needs to step up her game and show some empathy. If not you are doomed. The marriage might be saved, but not on the trajectory it is on now.

Stayedforthekids, can you give me a little more info on what you mean when you say you wish you knew before hand on the painful work for R? Do you regret it and rather have left?

I used to think staying was the easier choice but the more I've thought about it, I feel staying is harder and leaving would be easier. I feel staying, just her herself would be a constant reminder of what she did. This is so hard for me, I want to be with her but when I remember what she did, I can't see how I can ever forgive her or be able to live with knowing she did that. How were you able to get over it to begin R?

WaitedTooLong, interestingly enough, she came to see me after she got off work tonight. We had a more productive convo than we've had the last couple days. No anger, instead she apologized for how she's been acting. Reminded me how much she misses me, loves me and wants to be with me. She showed remorse and regret again.

Even with that, I'm struggling with this situation. I just can't get over her being with another man. We've been intimate since (maybe not the best choice on my part) and sex has been great but I still feel I'm inadequate even tho she reassures me I am and that he was not better than me. I find it hard to believe since she continued this for so long even if the meetings were sporadic.

Sometimes I feel like I want to just leave her and make her deal with the consequences for her actions. That would be the only way justice would be served. But I still love her unfortunately. I also see how some others on here have to deal with their WW still wanting to be with the affair partner. At least I dont have to deal with that but I have to deal with the longevity. I'm so hurt, lost and confused. She still wants to be intimate with me and I give in most of the time, not sure if I should stop that?

Waited said:

"At two months frankly she should still be kissing your ass begging you to stay.."

I agree.

Simply put, she has absolutely no right to be defensive. Her suggesting rugsweeping is an insult within itself.

Bulletin: You're the victim, not her.

Hurt1147 - staying in a M or relationship is a personal choice.

My H had a 4 year EA in the 90s. He denied it. He lied. He stonewalled. He refused to end it. It finally ended and was 💯% rugswept. Never discussed again. Life went on.

My reward for not bringing it up ever again was that he had a second A. This EA escalated and almost caused our D.

What changed? Me!

I stood up to him, planned our D and was executing my plan B. He no longer had any way over me or my life. It hurt like hell but I decided to put myself first.

Why did we R? I don’t know b/c the odds were against us. Second A and all that. He was trying to lie his way out of the 2nd A and was caught in a lie. The odds were not in our favor (or his) for successful recovery.

The difference was remorse AND he was trying hard every day. As opposed to the first EA where he was arrogant and cocky and would walk out if the room to avoid dealing with the issue.

I could see the immediate remorse and changes and him trying. He has never once said “don’t bringit up” or “stop living in the past”. Had he said anything even remotely like that we would have been finished.

Because those attitudes represent a complete lack of remorse. Or understanding. They show selfishness. And they are typical cheater behaviors.

I strongly suggest counseling for you. It can help you process this whole mess and guide you to some decisions. Decisions you are committed to - not one minute you want to stay and one minute you want to go. During the confusing time period you are in right now it is hard to think clearly.

But counseling can get you out of the pain if infidelity and move forward.

I wish you the best. But getting back your power and control in this R is critical - for you!! Like I suggested you should not move home until you are ready. No matter what she says or threatens.

You know what speaks volumes?

That she willfully engaged in this affair for 3 long years and would have continued indefinitely willfully engaging in it had you NOT caught her.

But you're confusing REGRET with remorse. She has no remorse at all. She just regrets getting caught.

Good luck to you.

Hurt, to move the thread, you ask the moderators to move it.

Your roller coaster emotions at this stage are totally 100% normal. You should expect this to continue for quite a long time, possibly years.

In the end, your main goal should be to find the truth that your heart is trying to speak to you in terms of whether to R or to D.

To that end, a first step toward finding that truth could be that both you and your WW read the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

Another good resource for you is in the Healing Library, in the yellow box on the top left of this page. In particular, you should learn about and implement the 180 in your life. The purpose of the 180 is to help you detach from the painful situation so that you can breathe and clear your head. Again, so that you can try to find your truth.

Basics: eat regularly, get plenty of fluids, and exercise as much as you can. It will help you sleep.

Do not go to MC with your wife at this stage. Your WW, and you, ought to each seek IC. Your wife shattered your marriage and broke her vows. Something inside of her must be rotten to enable her to do that. She needs to figure that out, and fix it, before MC can add any value.

Around here on SI, the paradigm we often espouse is that your WW killed your marriage by engaging in her A. You need to come to peace with the reality that the marriage as you knew it will never come back. For R to be successful, your WW needs to show you, through her consistent actions over a long time period, that she is somebody with whom you would like to forge a new relationship. She needs to try to "win you back".

Keep in mind that what you know about your WW is that she is a liar and a cheat. She lied to you for years about the most intimate aspects of your marriage. You are the person she vowed, on your wedding day, to remain loyal to. She looked you in the eye and broke her vows. In other words, what she has proven to you, more than anything, is that she is a dishonest person, a person who is not worthy of being trusted.

Assuming their sex was unprotected (affair sex is almost always unprotected), she also risked your health by exposing you to a possible STD. Have you been tested, by the way? Has she?

By the way, she could very well be lying about the scope of the A. Most WW do what we call "minimizing" and only admit details in "trickle truth" fashion. Many BH's require their WW to submit to a polygraph on this issue.

I don't think her offer to have you speak with the AP is worth very much. They have by now had an opportunity to collaborate and get a story together that they both agree to tell. She is protecting him to some extent by offering to let you speak with him and hear him tell you the scripted version that they have crafted.

Do you know him? Is he married? One of the strongest pieces of advice here is to reach out to his betrayed wife and discuss the A with her to find out what she knows. You should do this without first telling your WW that you are doing so. It exposes the A to the light of day, and it can be a useful way of getting information about the extent and scope of the A.

Good luck.

A couple of more thoughts after re-reading your posts:

The two of you should get tested for STDs. I don't care what she says about using protection.

It is way too early for her to show true remorse. I'm sure she is regretful at having been caught and now facing consequences, but actual remorse takes a long time for a WW to experience, especially a WW who was caught in an A that would likely be ongoing otherwise.

You should ask for as many sex details as you want to know, but keep in mind that once you know them, you cannot "un-know" them.

To that end, one of the things you should require of her is a detailed timeline of the A, start to finish. This is a written document that she prepares and edits from time to time as she remembers more details. For an A that continued for years, it is natural that she will remember details from long ago in bits and pieces.

You should also require her to share all of her texts, emails, and other messages with him. If she has deleted them, there are apps, such as "Dr. Fone", that can recover a lot of deleted information.

Stayedforthekids, can you give me a little more info on what you mean when you say you wish you knew before hand on the painful work for R? Do you regret it and rather have left?

I used to think staying was the easier choice but the more I've thought about it, I feel staying is harder and leaving would be easier. I feel staying, just her herself would be a constant reminder of what she did. This is so hard for me, I want to be with her but when I remember what she did, I can't see how I can ever forgive her or be able to live with knowing she did that. How were you able to get over it to begin R?

I had (or have) a lot of the issues you're talking about - mind movies, trust issues, loss of respect for her, and I ended up completely disconnecting from her. She disgusted me sexually. Couple all of that with resentment and rage and that's not exactly a recipe for a great relationship.

We had very young kids at the time and I stayed for them. I personally feel there is some work or processing you're gonna have to do whether you D or R. Otherwise, you risk having this significantly hampering your life from now. What I mean is you don't want this fucking up your relationship with your children, friends, or (possibly) future love interests. Nobody wants to be a jaded, bitter, angry asshole for the rest of their life. I became one for some time. Anger (for me anyway) overshadowed everything else. I didn't experience joy, peace, or anything else. Anger fueled me. It took some effort to drag myself out of that rut.

It also took way too long for me to figure out her cheating wasn't really about me. It wasn't about my dick or how I used it, how much money I made, how tall I was, how fat\thin I was, how much I bench pressed, or how many chores I did. The choice to cheat was on her. Dealing day to day with the injustice of it all, managing the anger, emotional exhaustion, and trying to not feel like a complete spineless cuckhold for staying with a cheating woman was painful and difficult for me. It took a bunch of writing in a journal, SI, meditation, various books, podcasts, and self introspection to keep my shit together.

I have also since figured out the new relationship we've tried to build has some echoes of the old one. I don't think it's possible to mentally purge everything that's happened. Sex is completely different now. I feel guarded around her. She is terrified I'll leave her. I see it as settling for a marriage that's less than it should be. That sucks. It feels like I lost a bunch of years fucking around with the fallout of her shitty choices. If I had a "do over" I would have left on d day.