SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Also, we don't care if she tries to rationalize that she too was "stressed" at work, with classes, the situation with the home. There is absolutely nothing in the world that would ever condone or excuse anyone for having an affair. It is a choice she made and owns 100%. Absolutely none of this is your fault. She could have come talked to you if she had issues with the relationship.

Sir, run.

I'm so sorry, your sister is likely right.

If this is an exit A, it's best to let her go. Read the 180 in the Healing Library, and keep posting. Get into IC. See your doctor about getting something to help you sleep and/or with anxiety/depression. Take care of YOU. NC with her unless it pertains to kids/finances.

Have you consulted with an attorney? With all due respect, she does not get to dictate the terms of the D (she's giving you x,y,z)...

Sending strength...

I bet her affair partner is married. If you want to get evidence then get some. You have had a year so I guess you might not want to know. If you don’t want proof of an affair then file for divorce and move on. You won’t be able to nice her back and nor should you want to.

Divorce her. She shows all the signs of a woman who was checked out long ago. Nothing to save here.

Sounds like one could group your issues in 2 groups:

There is the issue about the pre-marriage sex-tapes. One could argue that what she did previous to the relationship with you was her issue, but one could equally argue that something as drastic as taking part in professional porn would be on the disclosure-list before committing to a marriage. I’m also assuming, based on the info you post, that this was a professional recording, not an amateur recording for personal use.

But even then – fact she was in your shirt shows you two were in a relationship and then it might hinge on if it was a reasonable expectation for monogamy. But by the time a relationship reaches the stage that you share clothes then I guess the “BTW – I do porn to earn extra cash” statement would be out.

The second issue is the present state of the marriage.

Her 75/25 ratio is bull. It’s just an excuse. I don’t know any more than any other poster here if she’s having an affair or not. Experience has shown us that there is some correlation between her changes, the lack of intimacy and infidelity, but maybe she’s just tired of you. But then – maybe she’s doing everyone in the marketing department at work. Who knows.

Although I would be open for the possibility of there being infidelity going on then I’m not as willing as some others to ascertain with conviction that it’s inevitable.

But what struck me is that she’s already rented an apartment and outlined the terms for your separation.

OK – First step: Check online or better yet – get an attorney – to see if her offer is fair by your state-laws. Divorce is a lot more complex than one spouse deciding who get’s what and then checking out. Once you are clear that the offer she has made you is to your advantage then carry on with the divorce. Start detaching: It’s OK to tell her that you would prefer trying to work things out but at the same time you have realized and accepted that divorce isn’t the end of the world. Being cheated on, lied to and shown the disrespect she is showing you and the marriage is worse. Then move on. No pick-me-dance. Make her wish reality and see what that leads to.

I have seen a number of instances where the tone of the WS changes once they start getting what they thought they want.

Toddl1964,

The additional information helps greatly. I have delineated a few points you may wish to consider. As with anything you receive on SI, "take what you need and leave the rest."

Three weeks ago she put a deposit on an apartment. She is giving me the house and half of all investment and retirement accounts. Just walking away. Told me that 75% of the reason is that I brought up the video over a year ago.

We have not been intimate in over a year. No kissing, hugging or anything.

...when my brother passed away a few weeks ago from cancer showed me no compassion at all. She seems disconnected.

Your wife is abandoning you and has checked out of the marriage. She has detached or is in the process of detaching.

Your wife may have already retained legal counsel.

I am not sure the marriage is over.

I wish to stay married as we have three children.

To reconcile requires both spouses want to save the marriage. Your wife's behavior and actions indicate she no longer wishes to remain in the marriage. This is difficult to accept at this point in time.

Perhaps you could ask her to pause the divorce. Next you could ask her what changes would have to be made for her to return to the marriage. (Do not argue or speak loudly) Her refusal to pause the divorce would tell you where things stand. Also, if she provides tangible items and issues for you and her to work on then you will know there is a chance. Be prepared, she may state that the issue is you and your actions.

Based on her response, I would then develop a plan to save the marriage.

If she has checked out of the marriage or is adamant about divorce, then you should work on accepting this fact and proceed with divorce.

Last May it was made known to me that several " sex videos" with my wife in them we're on various web sites.

We we're in exclusive relationship as we were ingaged.

Our past often seems to have a way of catching up with us. Her cheating is heartbreaking. Next, she lies and denies the truth. Then she seeks to minimize the behavior stating that you were not married. Now she is abandoning you and your children.

To withhold this fact from you for twenty years of marriage is indicative of her ability to compartmentalize her actions and deceive you. Her response to discovery is lacking. You would expect some type of remorse. Instead she has left the marriage.

Has she expressed any shame, guilt or regret for her betrayal and actions?

If she has checked out of the marriage, there is very little you can do about it. She has to want to do the work. Since she is in the process of abandoning you and your children then reconciliation may not be an option.

As far as other evidence. We have not been intimate in over a year. No kissing, hugging or anything. She has had an desire to work out, buy new clothes and lots of make up and matching under garments. Changed the password to her phone and when my brother passed away a few weeks ago from cancer showed me no compassion at all. She seems disconnected. My sister gave me some hard truth last night. She believes she is having an office romance and more than likely was given the ( him or me choice.

Her behavior resembles that of someone who is cheating. Your sister may be correct in thinking that your wife is currently cheating -- she seems to even have an idea of who is the affair partner.

If you must know for sure then I would hire a private investigator to ascertain the facts. Given your wife's ability to compartmentalize and lie, I do not see her ever confessing or providing you the truth.

You already know she has cheated on you at least once. Speculation by your sister suggests she may be engaged in an affair. If found to be true, what would her current cheating have on your decision to remain in the marriage?

You need to analyze the marriage to determine if you are looking at it from a realistic standpoint. Can you deal with her betrayal and subsequent actions combined with her ability to deceive you.

Is this marriage something you really wish to remain in?

Your wife is in need of intensive therapy in order to address her behavior and possibly save the marriage.

Because of the actions of your wife, I would prepare for divorce. You should obtain Legal Council for your specific situation and location. I suggest you file if she refuses to get help and work on the marriage.

You should treat this as a business negotiation from this point forward. You need to retain as much of the assets and as little of the debt as possible to protect you and your children. If the house plus half the assets is a favorable settlement for you then you may wish to forgo property issues and focus on child custody and visitation.

Michigan is a no-fault state. Therefore, all that is needed to divorce is the desire to do so. However, a divorce with adultery as the fault may result in a more favorable distribution of assets and settlement of child custody issues. The expense of obtaining proof using a private investigator and the increased legal expenses may not be worth it. Sometimes judges in a particular area may not even care.

Since you did not know she was a porn actress and were deceived or a fraud committed before marriage, you may have additional grounds for divorce and ability to seek a better settlement.

Your wife likely will take back the offer of half the house in retaliation if you move forward with a legal proceeding desiring more of the investment and retirement assets.

You should consult with an attorney to determine your best path forward and whether to file a fault divorce or no-fault action.

I would retain someone to look over the filings and settlement even if divorcing in a collaborative fashion to ensure paperwork is completed properly and you receive a favorable settlement.

Your sister is likely correct in that prompt action and filing would serve you better under your circumstances. This also protects you in case she incurs additional debt or seeks to disperse assets. Your wife may not be as generous later on once divorce papers have been filed. Michigan has a 180 day waiting period for marriages with children. Then there may be court and administrative delays.

If your wife decides to leave the marriage or you file for divorce, I would suggest you go no contact at that point and only speak or communicate about finances and children. You may wish to read up on the 180 in the Healing library to help you detach. Eventually you will be glad you have her out of your life if she does not get the help she needs. Presently, she is extremely toxic. The ability to keep a 20 year secret and lie to you when confronted speaks for itself.

I am sorry we met but glad you have found us. We are here to help and support you.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 10:05 AM, June 1st (Friday)]

First her excuses are bullshit. Not your fault she is a Stormy Daniels wannabe and didn't have the common decency to inform you. She's probably cheating already, just wondering if he knows she once had porn star ambitions?

What is the deal with custody of the children?

Child support? Visitation?

Yep, time to lawyer up because she's already checked out.

Hi Joel,

sorry but you marriage is over...

She was involved in a professional porn shoot while going out with you/not married but in a relationship. If she had told you she was going to fxxk some guy today, but will pick up the milk on the way home would you have married her?

You were in a relationship... commitment doesn't start with a marriage unless you have agreed this before.

It will affect the children, but hopefully you both will be able to minimise.

We have not been intimate in over a year

She has checked out, come to terms with this.

Listen to your sister. She knows what she's talking about.

and take her advise, follow through.

You need to go talk to a lawyer ASAP, find out what your options are and then take it from there. Take the initiative file now as it sounds like she'll file soon.. check with them "Expose her video's everything, go on the offensive."

It'll be a rough ride, but worth it..

You should dig deeper to find out whether she is activly cheating. In Michigan it's still a felony to commit adultery. If convicted a minimum of 1 year in jail. I would suggest to you to contact a lawyer ASAP. Rarely does anyone go to jail but evidence could be a game changer on division of assets and alimony payments. The clock is ticking.

You have to do two urgent things:

Get therapy for you. The betrayal and the knowledge that for 20 years your WW has been telling you lies are devastating to the BS.

Go to trauma informed therapist that specializes in infidelity.

Second: GO TO AN ATTORNEY! She is leaving, and giving you the house? That means that someone has already talked to her. Go to an attorney.

Also, do suggest to her to go to therapy. Not or you, but for herself.

Ok. I feel used. I also feel alot of resentment towards her. Retained an attorney today. I should be angry but, I am not. What to do now.

What to do now.

Todd, the anger will come. All the emotions will swarm over you. There are three things for you to do right now:

1. Take care of yourself. Seek help from a doc.

2. Take care of your children. Double down on your love for them.

3. Listen to your atty.

You have your sister's support which is a hugely positive factor. Lean on her while you regain your footing.

Like TimelessLoss says, the anger will come. You will go through the stages of grief over the death of your marriage. It doesn't happen in any specific order. You'll be in and out of each phase, returning again and again on some of them.

What's key is that you get your ducks in a row NOW, then worry about D or R later. Put yourself in a good position. NEVER, EVER do the "pick me" dance.

I know it doesn't feel like it know, but you hold all the cards on the situation. Your WW's only play is to bluff you into folding into a limbo state of mind.

I am seeing a therapist weekly for a previous head injury.

I was stupid and co-signed her student loan in March.

What a mess.

Any advice on what the kids will go through? She seems to think they will be fine.

The kids will be hurt there's no getting around that she's very cold to say something like that and I'm sorry.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Excercise plan?

On telling the kids How old are they? I advise being honest but...controlled in what you tell them and how you tell them.

How is your IC? I mean do you rate them as being decent or just kind of checking the boxes?

Not all IC's are created equal and many aren't great outside of their own ballpark but won't really advertise that to you. Maybe the one you've got is great but it's something to look out for as a great one can make a massive difference in your healing process.

[This message edited by MrMagnolia at 11:54 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]

I was stupid and co-signed her student loan in March.

That's a great topic to talk to your attorney about. Typically, assets AND liabilities are split 50/50 but it really depends on family law specific to your state.

As for kids, they will be impacted. The wise thing to do now is seek an IC who's specialty is working with kids in divorce situations. That's what I did with my kids. At home, they need just one parent to be their dependable, stable rock through this shit storm. That would be you. They may be angry at you or even blame you at first for what's going on at home. Up to you as to whether to tell them the truth or not. What's important is that you are there for the kids to talk to you while you WW is out and about and unavailable. Kids are smart enough to see what's going on, which parent is sticking around to be there for them, which parent cares for the kids most. The absolute worst thing for them is for you to take shit from your WW. Do not stay "just for the kids" They want a happy parent and a happy environment to be raised in, not a dysfunctional home with two fucked up parents.

Looking forward to a great weekend. Just need and the kids. Heading up to northern Michigan to relax.

Looking forward to a great weekend. Just need and the kids. Heading up to northern Michigan to relax.

Good on you Todd. Hits the top two on the list I gave you.