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One could say the same about you DarkHoleHeart. Unless you're getting divorced.

I get it it's impossible that they didn't have some kind of sex and with that many times spending the evening together I'm pretty sure they had quite a bit... but in 15 years she's never wavered from that story that they only made out once... I know I'm a fool but I just wanted to believe and try not to think of it but by denying it she is basically giving me the middle finger

but in 15 years she's never wavered from that story that they only made out once...

She has never wavered because there has never been a reason to. There hasn’t been anything at stake or true consequences to telling that lie.

I would also say that if she was so invested I him to hand you her rings, it’s very unlikely that she was able to stay in a hotel room and never have any kind of sexual encounter.

In my experience, I felt the need to protect myself first and foremost. It’s unfortunate but my husband had to drag every ounce of information out of me. What I was thinking was that if he knew the truth, he was certain to leave and no matter how many times I heard or read that the lies were worse, I couldn’t believe it. Minimization is often the motto of a WS unless or until the stakes become too high. For me, my husband had finally had enough lies and was looking up quick ways to divorce me. It was no longer a threat, but a reality. It was calmest anger I have ever seen and it scared me. Not for my safety, but because I knew there was no denying the position I put myself in.

I fought for my marriage in ways I never had fought before. Timeline, polygraph, anything I could think to throw at it to save it. It turns out that the one thing that saved my marriage was...honesty.

Your wife has no reason to fight for your marriage until the stakes are high, but you have to be willing to raise them. In order to save your marriage you have to be willing to risk losing it.

You are clearly being gaslighted and the infidelity minimized because she feels an emotional affair would incur fewer consequences for her.

Based on zero consequences I would say her strategy worked. Please know that she has done nothing to repair what was broken inside herself and your relationship seems to be more of one where you cohabitate. From where you go from here is up to you. She does not seem like a safe partner to me.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 6:08 PM, April 28th (Saturday)]

I get it it's impossible that they didn't have some kind of sex and with that many times spending the evening together I'm pretty sure they had quite a bit... but in 15 years she's never wavered from that story that they only made out once... I know I'm a fool but I just wanted to believe and try not to think of it but by denying it she is basically giving me the middle finger

She knows she doesn't have to tell you the truth.

It's not ncommon for a BS to live in denial. It keeps you from having to make a decision but as you've found it never goes away and you've essentially put yourself in limbo and stayed there.

One could say the same about you DarkHoleHeart. Unless you're getting divorced.

Tren0R201, that's a fair point.

1. I gave her "last chance" because of the kids.

2. I finally got "full truth". There's no danger that I will spend next 15 years (like Backy19) of my life being fed "many hotel stays, made out once, won't do poly about it" level bullshit.

3. She's doing "the work". Not as intensively as I would like to, but doing it nevertheless.

4. I don't feel trapped.

I realize that I might end up like Backy - not living as a real family, wife and husband, and that probability of this happening is quite high. And I even imagine what kind of reasoning I might apply to explain it - e.g. infidelity killed my ability to feel real (romantic) love (for anyone) so I'm getting my joy to live from somewhere else than love. I also think that if I get into such state, most probably I will D when my kids are of age.

So I should probably rephrase my question - Backy, why do you stay with her? Do you feel you are wasting your life away?

Sometimes I feel it's a waste... Not having in my opinion true love... she swears it never happened I don't see how it's possible it's a s*** situation one that I haven't changed yet

What triggered you to open this question? I suspect that this question was on your mind for all these years, but what happened that made you ask it here, on SI?

Are you going to do anything to change your situation?

I have a ton of triggers most of which I can deal with but about a month ago she was asked to join her company summer pool league... She works in the office of a stamping company which is 95% male... She'll be the only woman on the team

Yeah her alone. In a team of men. All in swim suits..... not a good idea. I would pool my foot down. There are plenty of other swimming groups full of women. Plenty of other activities to do. She needs to understand she can't be allowed to act like nothing happened. It most certainly happened. She lied. She manipulated and that will be a problem unless adressed. She CAN'T respect you as long as this secret continues.

In my opinion you need to scare her. Start divorce papers rolling serve her. Tell her your not happy in your marriage and she's been a terrible wife. Tell her your done living with a lie. She has 2 options. The while truth and a real reconciliation or hold her lies which is all the answer you need. Leave the decision to her. But this life your living isn't a real life bro. It's a half life. You need to get yourself out of this with or without her. Don't be one of those perpetually defeated guys walking around with slumped shoulders. Don't be one of those guys.

Sure.... I went to a work conference with a male friend of mine. We were able to cut costs on lodging because we shared hotel rooms while traveling and while at the conference.

Why didn't we have sex while sharing a hotel room?? Well, we both left our husbands at home and there is absolutely ZERO sexual interest between us. He's flamboyantly gay, more feminine than I even am. While I'm less feminine than him, I'm not nearly masculine enough for him to be interested in me sexually.

My WH was more than comfortable with this arrangement while I traveled.

All that being said, I'm guessing Backy that this is not the situation your WW was in.

If there is attraction, and she's involved with the person emotionally - there was sex. I'd bet good money on it.

I'm very sorry you find yourself here. It's unreasonable for her to expect you to believe her story.

Thx I'm not wanting to be here either... But a lot of good advice and I'm making a change and we will see where it goes with or without her... Just unbelievable the things they expect you to believe