SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi.

I’ve been lurking for about a month. Don’t know all the abbreviations you folks use. A little nervous. I need some advice.

My problem:

My wife is still in love with the AP. How long does this last? She feels intense shame about what’s she’s done to me and how much she hurt me. That said, she feels worse that she’s not 100% “back in love with me”. Me working so hard to make things work makes her feel more guilt since she still loves this other guy.

She’s torn and confused and I worry that things won’t work out well for us as a result.

Background:

My wife and I have been married about 25 years. I love her to death. She had an emotionally-driven affair with an old high school friend (married, one child, lives across the country) via Facebook, SMS, and some phone calls during a period I had become (more) emotionally distant. The period between “Oh Hi!, Long time” on Facebook to “lots of serious talks” to mutual “I love you” between the two was about 5 months The love/infatuation period was probably two of the five months.

The affair culminated in a day-long visit by the AP while I was out of town. There was a single foreplay session, but no sex. I know what you may be thinking on this front, but I’m 100% certain that this is the case for reasons that I don’t want to re-hash.

A couple of weeks after the tryst, she told me about it. She also told me she was in love with the AP. She didn’t want to lose me, but she thought our relationship was over and was lonely and looking for a friend. This guy showed up at the right time and in the right place evidently. I think she may have hoped I would find the situation a relief and that I did want to “let her go”. Perhaps she thought she was giving me an easy out and we would part as friends...I’m not quite sure. This was the furthest thing from the truth, in reality.

I told her as much, asked her to start therapy with me, and to quit communicating with the AP.

Giving up communication with the AP was clearly difficult for her. But she did so, sending him a text message saying that she had told me everything and that she would no longer communicate with him.

It’s been about two-and-a-half months since then, with us seeing our couples therapist every week. We both began IC a few weeks ago as well. We’ve been working hard. I’ve been doing everything I can to make sure she knows how I feel about her.

As much as she hurt me, I’m “all in” on the recovery effort. I think she is as well, but sometimes says things that make me question same (more on that in a second). I’ve been putting in tons of effort trying to resolve my issues around communication and having a hard time expressing and being open to emotion.

I still cry pretty regularly about the situation. I’m super-paranoid, etc. I hate when I hear her cell phone “ping” – All the things I’ve read are normal.

She’s been watching me fall apart and feels shame and guilt about what she’s done to someone she loves dearly. That said, she also feels guilt about “cutting the AP off” and that she still has feelings for him. We’ve had frank conversations about that. I’ve told her that I hate it, but that it is what it is.

I’ve told her how the situation makes me feel and then she feels worse. We tend to amplify each other’s grief and guilt: I feel bad, she senses my sadness and feels bad. I see her doing poorly and feel worse, and so on and so on.

It gets complicated and scary:

Things got substantially worse about 5 days ago when the AP contacted her for the first time. He sent her an email about a friend of his dying. He was looking for support, essentially. We had made a deal that she would alert me about any further communication from him, and she let me know immediately. She offered to let me read the note and I declined.

She was starting a new job the next day, had mentioned same on Facebook in a public post, and he sent her flowers at the new job. Again, she told me what happened, and gave the flowers away.

I had asked her to BLOCK the AP on Facebook early on. I sent her instructions on how to do so. I wondered how he had known she had a new job. I asked to get into her phone and check Facebook. She had no objections. My wife is not particularly app-savvy and had only un-friended him. Mystery solved.

As a result, he had been able to see any inadvertent public posts she made. The fact that she did not block him by mistake is certainly within the realm of possibility, but she may also have subconsciously “chosen” not to. Who knows.

I then searched on his name from my Facebook and discovered that his Facebook profile pic looked very, very similar to hers. It was essentially a mirror image. Very stalky, very gross I think. I lost it.

My wife thinks this is all innocuous but nevertheless reacted very strongly – really freaked out: sobbing, etc. FYI, I’ve told her I see this chain of events very differently – that this is a guy who is actively interfering with our attempts to repair the relationship.

I knew that she wanted to reply to the original email. When she sees someone in pain, she wants to help. That’s who she is. I told her I was OK with it and that she knew what was best for her. She wrote a terse reply wishing him well and hoping he got over the friends death. She did NOT re-emphasize “Don’t reply to me again”, which I didn’t like. She let me read the response.

I went ahead and blocked the AP on Facebook using her phone. The AP noticed, sent another email apologizing for sending the flowers and said he’d try to stay away.

My wife was very upset that I blocked him – it was like going through cutting him off all over again, she told me.

Where we are now:

We’re both zombies. I’ve had some episodes of explosive sadness. We love each other so much, but I don’t trust her to do the right thing by me right now and I think my stress / paranoia is wearing on her. I feel like I'm playing "pick me", but I don't know what else to do. We get into long talks and generally end up in tears and not able to think straight. Is this normal?

She also sees how much this last episode is hurting me and is even worse in terms of guilt / shame. I’m worried that the pain will be too much for her and she’ll take the path of least resistance, which is to start trying to get some solace from the AP. She told me earlier that it was all she could do NOT to reply to him again. I don’t know if that was a “warning” to lay off, or it means something else. It’s a huge trigger for me, so I don’t understand why she went there.

I don’t know what to do. Perhaps back off on the “work” a bit and just try to do mundane things (watch movies, play cards, whatever) more. Do something to lower the stress and emotion. Or maye this is just normal. It sucks, but it’s normal, and I just have to soldier on.

How long has it taken for your WS to get over his/her AP?

Inform the AP’s wife if he’s married should be first priority.

Without warning and do not tell your wife.

Sorry you are here. You will receive a lot of good advice here, pay attention and use it. It will help you. My advice is that you can never convince here to stay if she does not want to be there anymore. Never play the pick me dance because it will never work out and they really won't respect you. If your wife still has feelings for this guy, let her know that she can have him. Cut her loose. Go silent on here. Let her see what it will be like with out you there to fall back on. As long as she is in this fog, there is nothing you can do to benefit yourself except to avoid her and do a 180 on her. As long as she feels you are her safety net, nothings going to change. Sometimes we have to be willing to lose something in order to try and keep it. Best of luck.

@Marz - I don't disagree. Can you tell me why this is important? I really want to understand before I

commit. It'll be painful, and I've had so much of that lately.

No contact means no contact. Period.

You can’t make her do anything but you can control you.

Trying to nice them back or doing the “pick me dance” just makes her AP look stronger and lowers your status.

Marz - OK, got that and agree.

But how does brining in the AP's spouse into the picture figure into all of this? That's what I was curious about.

When was your d-day and when did she cut off contact?

My affair ended when AP wife found out, it took both spouses knowing. After my own d-day (but before his) my AP kept trying to get in touch and I was falling on him for support of what I was dealing with at home. Still to this day if something happens in my life, my BH checks my phone records because he worries I will contact AP for support (not going to happen).

It took me 5 months to really see things for what they were, and I had several huge wake up calls, and a husband that was not really willing to work on things. It was left to me to figure out and it still took me that long to "get it." I had no contact with my AP during that time.

Your WW needs to really really stick firmly to that, every time there is any form of contact, that is her holding on to it. No contact means NO CONTACT. He needs to be blocked from email, she needs a new phone number, etc etc. I am 13 months from dday and 12 months from no contact, and I have ZERO feelings towards my AP. If I had even left a window open for contact it would have set me back every time.

Also, she needs to be held accountable. I don't know if anyone else knows about the affair, but it someone does, and she can continue to confide in them about staying no contact, that helps.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 9:15 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

Pink -

DDay was mid January. We agreed to no contact. That said, I *suggested* she reply to him when his friend died BECAUSE she is so invested in being kind to everyone. I guess that was a mistake.

I need to bring this topic up again and be more firm and direct about exactly what I need. That much is clear.

I knew that she wanted to reply to the original email. When she sees someone in pain, she wants to help. That’s who she is. I told her I was OK with it and that she knew what was best for her.

You're not doing too bad but this thing here was a major mistake. DON'T make mistakes like this again or it'll keep her connected to him.

EDIT: The AP is married? Well heck, man, you need to inform his BW now! Exposure almost guarantees the affair is over for good. Affairs require secrecy and you still have it in place on his end. Expose now. Today.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 9:19 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

Being kind to everyone does not apply when you are cheating with the person. PERIOD.

The only person she needs to be kind to is you.

Block him from being able to email.

Marz - I don't disagree. Can you tell me why this is important? I really want to understand before I

commit. It'll be painful, and I've had so much of that lately.

Affairs thrive in secrecy and the dark. Informing his wife is the best way to end this. You currently are helping hide their affair which makes you their coconspirator. No wonder you aren’t getting anywhere on fixing this.

You are obviously living in fear which makes you look weak. Not a good place to be in. Her AP isn’t going to stop!!!!

Better wake up an tell his wife.

Don’t worry about pushing her away she already left.

You can’t stand up for yourself here you lose.

Get some respect back man

Cincy, Pink - Thank you both.

This is just really hard and I have no tools or experience that are relevant. I'm fumbling all over the place. I'm used to being in control of my life and that is totally out the door right now. A very strange and humbling experience.

If you were his wife would you want to know?

It’s also the decent and right thing to do.

It’s an action you should have already taken.

Better get moving

But how does brining in the AP's spouse into the picture figure into all of this? That's what I was curious about.

Because affairs thrive in the dark. She still pines for him. For him though, she’s just a potential side piece to boost his ego. As soon as the AP’s wife knows he will drop her like a hot potato. That will be a wake up call. She’ll start to realize that she was not special and their relationship was just as sordid and dirty as everyone else who does this to their spouses. Exposure is a very effect way of dumping a bucket of ice water on a WS’s head.

Your wife and AP May destroy your life, future and family.

Do you not understand this?

They don’t give a damn about you.

Wake up and take charge!!!!!

For him though, she’s just a potential side piece to boost his ego. As soon as the AP’s wife knows he will drop her like a hot potato.

THIS. 100x THIS!

My story is slightly similar to Wallops in how the AP operated. And my husband also contacted the wife (after she hired a PI and caught us). And yes, he dropped me like a hot potato and no, I wasn't his only AP like he claimed.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 9:29 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]

Thank you Marz. You're right.

I've made big mistakes in the past when I act too quickly.

I'm going to write something to her now. Will send it out before I go to sleep. Just want to be as calm and measured about this as I can - even if that is mostly smoke and mirrors. It makes me feel like I'm more in the drivers's seat.

Thanks for the hard advice. I appreciate it and I needed it.

Walloped.

Thank you. This place is awesome. I'm so lucky to have found it.

I say this respectfully, you are not in R (reconciliation).

You may find more pointed advice in Just Found Out.

Your WW (wayward wife) is not remorseful. She told you she still loves AP (affair partner) and was mad that you blocked him.

^^^ This is not reconciliation.

I am so sorry you are hurting and that you are so lost. I am so glad you found SI (LIFE SUPPORT).

Please take a step back. You can't "fix" all of this. Believe me because I tried and failed.

This is a process. Healing is a 2-5 year journey. And I am going on year 7.

I so wanted to fast track my healing, getting over "this (infidelity)" and get back to the life I knew.

HUGE mistake. I stuffed my hurt down, my worry, my anger and guess what? It erupts over and over again. Like a churning volcano, I erupted over and over again because I never allowed myself to truly deal with the lies, the deceit and the betrayal. I just wanted my old life back. But guess what? Seven years later, I don't have my old life back. The scars are still here BUT I am better. I have survived and I have (still doing) dealt with the reality that my FWH chose to cheat.

You can't nice her back. You can't love her enough. She has to choose to face her reality and choose to make an adult decision.

As painful as it is - she has to decide if she wants to work on the marriage or not. And she has to understand that her actions, choices affect others and she has to take responsibility for her choices.

You are letting her off easy because you want her to stay (understandable and many of us have done that) but in reality you are providing her with a license to still be focused only on herself.

It is time for you and her to face the reality that her choosing to cheat is a game changer in your marriage.

Be real, share your hurt, fight for yourself and the marriage you want. Don't be her doormat.

You deserve happiness too.

(((hugs)))

Hi Harry - I can relate a lot to your story! Read my signature line. My WH had an affair with an Ex GF from HS. It started late April as an EA, turned PA in August & I found out the end of August & confronted him in early Sept. It went from friendly conversation to I am in love with you, you are my soul mate very quickly. I probably did what a lot of people call the "pick me dance," but it worked in my case (not saying to do it, but every situation is different) My WH is a very emotional guy & the EA part of it has been harder for him to give up then the PA part.

I'll be skipping a ton, so bear with me. I found out in September, he said divorce, no chance for us. I had a little job scare & he said lets try to make it work. It went back and forth for months with many periods of NC broken. He started IC in November going weekly (the OBS; AP's husband) found out about the affair, then they slept together 1 last time in mid November. He was having a hard time choosing since he was so in love with her. We continued trying. I gave him a book called "Who Will you Become," by Lisa MacDonald & it was life changing for him. He has been NC since the end of December with her but he was struggling greatly. Its been getting better & easier for him the longer he goes. IC has been helping as well as we are working on our relationship. He also finally read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair," by the same author & I finally got not too long ago that he does not blame me for his affair (he blamed me because he said I didn't give him enough attention & didn't "want" him anymore) So that was a huge breakthrough. Most recently, we found out through a 3rd party that she was diagnosed with HPV, so now he wants to call her up and ream her out for lying to him (he will not call her though) & I find this anger to be good. I mush prefer he have some anger toward her than the putting her up on a pedestal & wishing he could be with her (only if circumstances were different!) Anyways, I hope my story helped some! Obviously there are some differences in our stories, but I relate a lot to it.

And I agree with 1Faith, you are not in R at this point. I feel like my H & I are headed there, but it takes a lot of work & your WW is going to need a ton of IC to figure out her inner demons.

[This message edited by tikismom at 9:49 AM, April 5th (Thursday)]