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Spouses/Partners with Personality Disorders

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 SI Staff (original poster moderator #10) posted at 3:08 AM on Sunday, December 24th, 2017

This thread can include both BPD and NPD.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:11 PM, December 23rd (Saturday)]

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OnlyGodcanhealIT ( member #59897) posted at 3:43 AM on Tuesday, December 26th, 2017

My FWH has mild bipolar and ADHD. When he goes to the bathroom for 20 min at a time 2 times a day, plays video games for over 2 hours at a clip, seems distracted often or moody regularly, it drives me nuts. Is it the disorder? Is it the ADHD? Is he having another A? Is he just being a man?

This is a major source of insecurity while healing from an affair for me. He is doing lots to make me feel secure but also lots of the above too. Makes the roller coaster a gigacoaster. Some days I feel like this so ridiculous, all of it to handle at once. Probably for him too but also for me.

BW: 48
WH: 46
DDAY: 9/21/2016
Affair was 4/2015 ...6 week affair that he ended on his own and never told me..found out from AP husband on FB on 9/21/2016...Fun stuff!

posts: 68   ·   registered: Jul. 29th, 2017
id 8055505
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redfury ( member #58256) posted at 1:16 PM on Wednesday, December 27th, 2017

My stbxwh is diagnosed with BPD, although he does not acknowledge he has the condition. My life with him was nothing short of a psychological circus. He is an emotional manipulator. Has no sense of self but a keep awareness of others which he uses to tell you exactly what you want to hear. He constantly put me through the Idealize, Devalue, Discard cycle. He engaged in black or white thinking where I was either the greatest thing to ever walk on two legs (an impossible standard to live up to) or a worthless piece of crap. He lived a double life the entire time we were together. Our attempts at reconciliation were just him learning to lie better but he has recently admitted that he was cheating the entire time (only after I found evidence of it, he has never once admitted to something without being caught first).

The result of this relationship was a type of trauma bonding where I was looking for his nice persona, the person I believed was my soulmate, to rescue me from the abuser. As a codependent, I thought I could help him. I thought I could be loving and understanding enough to see him through his pain (because he is in immense pain). I often said on these forums that we were two broken people who were going to heal together, but the fact is he was never trying. He was lying to his IC and to the members of his SAA group. He lies to everyone all the time.

I have spent a lot of time learning about sex addiction and BPD and I am coming to understand that there may be no help for him. And certainly, being in a relationship with him will not help since it is intimate relationships that are the main trigger for BPD. I am in the process of recovery from the abuse I have suffered but it is not easy. He has fostered my dependence on him, and I find it nearly impossible to stay away. As a codependent, I am experiencing pathological loneliness without him. But the only way out is through, and the only thing to do in this type of relationship is run away.

[This message edited by redfury at 7:32 AM, December 27th (Wednesday)]

Co-d BW, 40
Divorced
D-days: 4-20-2016 and so many more
Recovery is ongoing, I'm doing better every day

posts: 1002   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: Colorado
id 8056151
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xhz700 ( member #44394) posted at 3:58 PM on Wednesday, December 27th, 2017

Finally! Thank you WOE!

OnlyGod,

Is it the disorder? Is it the ADHD? Is he having another A? Is he just being a man?

Bipolar Disorder and BPD are different things. Bipolar disorder is a brain chemistry disorder, which can be treated through medication. BPD is a personality disorder that falls within a set of symptoms.

Is your H medicated? Seeking therapy regularly?

Behold! The field in which I grow my fucks.

Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren.

posts: 1586   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014
id 8056241
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xhz700 ( member #44394) posted at 4:05 PM on Wednesday, December 27th, 2017

redfury,

I have spent a lot of time learning about sex addiction and BPD and I am coming to understand that there may be no help for him.

Unfortunately, you are right. In my opinion you can skip learning about sexual addiction. BPD is a separate creature and in my opinion is enough cause for you to leave a relationship by itself.

Truly the best that you can hope for is for the disordered person to gain some sort of perspective and acceptance of what they are. They aren't truly going to get better, ever.

As a codependent, I thought I could help him.

He has fostered my dependence on him, and I find it nearly impossible to stay away. As a codependent, I am experiencing pathological loneliness without him.

I am far too familiar with these statements. Where are you in your process? I am assuming you are still married and cohabiting? Have you read "Walking on Eggshells" or "Codependent No More"? How are you taking care of yourself?

Behold! The field in which I grow my fucks.

Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren.

posts: 1586   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014
id 8056246
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redfury ( member #58256) posted at 4:37 PM on Wednesday, December 27th, 2017

It's been a month since the last d-day. I moved out 3 weeks ago. It's been a week since I spoke to him, 3 days since I spent time stalking him online.

I'm finding NC very hard and most of my belongings are still in his house. Going to retrieve them is just too much of a trigger. I haven't yet filed for divorce, but I need to.

I have read Codependent No More and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, but not Walking on Eggshells. I have been in IC and group therapy for 9 months and felt I was making a lot of progress, but this has set me back quite a bit. I guess, if it weren't for the therapy, I wouldn't have been strong enough to leave.

eta: Right now I'm reading the Human Magnet Syndrome and am finding it to be really helpful in explaining why and how I was drawn into this relationship to begin with

[This message edited by redfury at 10:48 AM, December 27th (Wednesday)]

Co-d BW, 40
Divorced
D-days: 4-20-2016 and so many more
Recovery is ongoing, I'm doing better every day

posts: 1002   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: Colorado
id 8056277
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xhz700 ( member #44394) posted at 5:05 PM on Wednesday, December 27th, 2017

@redfury,

It's hard, but it does get better. I still have days that I miss the promise of what could have been. Logically, I know that it was never possible, but I think I miss the feeling of hope. The number one thing I had to give up as a codependent was blind hope. You have to understand, he does not see the world like you do, at all.

I've been separated since February. Divorce was filed in January (by her, we had discussed doing it amicably, only for her to spring papers on me accusing me of rape, abuse, and having an inappropriate sexual relationship with my daughter). She really felt like she "got me" on that one. She assaulted me, leading to the separation. Tried to lie to the police about me assaulting her, didn't work. They wouldn't arrest her because she's a woman, so I voluntarily moved out of the home that I am still paying for.

It took me about two months to get less foggy and detach from her. At about six months I started feeling like a human being again.

Keep up the IC, and more importantly the NC. If you need to get your things, call a friend, family member, or the police to escort you.

Come here any time, I plan on being very active in this thread. People in relationships like this need a special kind of triage.

Wishing you well.

Behold! The field in which I grow my fucks.

Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren.

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OnlyGodcanhealIT ( member #59897) posted at 11:22 PM on Wednesday, December 27th, 2017

Oh my goodness! I misread BPD, thinking it was Bipolar disorder. Whoops I guess I’m in the wrong thread.

BW: 48
WH: 46
DDAY: 9/21/2016
Affair was 4/2015 ...6 week affair that he ended on his own and never told me..found out from AP husband on FB on 9/21/2016...Fun stuff!

posts: 68   ·   registered: Jul. 29th, 2017
id 8056562
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OnlyGodcanhealIT ( member #59897) posted at 11:26 PM on Wednesday, December 27th, 2017

Can this thread be for any mental instability?

BW: 48
WH: 46
DDAY: 9/21/2016
Affair was 4/2015 ...6 week affair that he ended on his own and never told me..found out from AP husband on FB on 9/21/2016...Fun stuff!

posts: 68   ·   registered: Jul. 29th, 2017
id 8056564
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xhz700 ( member #44394) posted at 12:58 AM on Thursday, December 28th, 2017

I don't see why not. The problems are related, but different. I know a fair amount from a lot of study, but I am not a mental health professional.

Behold! The field in which I grow my fucks.

Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren.

posts: 1586   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014
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OnlyGodcanhealIT ( member #59897) posted at 4:34 PM on Thursday, December 28th, 2017

I just want to say that mental illness or instability is so insidious. I hate it. There I said it. I’m sympathetic but not sure I can be sympathetic up close or even empathetic. It makes me feel like I have a mental illness myself while dealing with it daily. Just got to do what I feel makes me joyous and also pray and take it all day by day. I refuse to allow it to bring me down even though I fall and stumble daily in dealing with it. I would love to see us be successful in this-being in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness or instability, but I just don’t know. Situations are manipulated to hide the truth too often with mentally ill people. You just never know what you’re dealing with. Plus there is black and white thinking all the time, and it causes decisions that are detrimental to someone’s life, like cheating or spending too much money etc.

Still I pray for an outcome that I can’t strive to get on my own. Need God’s hope peace and help.

BW: 48
WH: 46
DDAY: 9/21/2016
Affair was 4/2015 ...6 week affair that he ended on his own and never told me..found out from AP husband on FB on 9/21/2016...Fun stuff!

posts: 68   ·   registered: Jul. 29th, 2017
id 8057084
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Supernova65 ( member #52277) posted at 7:27 PM on Saturday, December 30th, 2017

Does Aspergers fit on this thread? I went through hell with my Aspergers partner and would like to hear others experiences.

Me: BS
Together: 10 years
EA turned PA - at least 2 years?
DD: 10/01/15
XWS moved out 22/01/15
TT until 25/05/15 then some but not full disclosure - still lying
Total NC from 25/05/15

posts: 160   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2016   ·   location: Suburgatory Somewhere
id 8058814
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OnlyGodcanhealIT ( member #59897) posted at 2:47 AM on Sunday, December 31st, 2017

I don’t see why not to discuss Aspergers as well !

BW: 48
WH: 46
DDAY: 9/21/2016
Affair was 4/2015 ...6 week affair that he ended on his own and never told me..found out from AP husband on FB on 9/21/2016...Fun stuff!

posts: 68   ·   registered: Jul. 29th, 2017
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ASoCalledLife ( member #59641) posted at 5:33 AM on Sunday, December 31st, 2017

Respectfully, Asperger’s Syndrome is not a personality disorder. It’s a different type of neurology. It’s a pervasive neurodevelopmental disability. And living in a world that is built for neurotypical people where those of us with Asperger’s don’t fit at all is difficult.

I’m not exonerating anyone from bad behavior. But if there is going to be a “catch all” thread that includes us, can it have a title that isn’t stigmatizing at least?

Thankfully, hubby and I are in R. Joined SI in 2017 and left this site per DH’s request in mid-May 2018; be blessed everyone!
-Mrs. Life

posts: 392   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2017
id 8059157
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ASoCalledLife ( member #59641) posted at 6:20 AM on Sunday, December 31st, 2017

I didn’t mean for my response to come off harshly. I’m tired and stressed and subtlety isn’t a strength of mine even on a good day.

There’s just already so much negativity about people on the autism spectrum already. When there’s been a mass shooter, one of the first speculations is whether the shooter had Asperger’s. We’re portrayed so stereotypically in literature and media and so many places. I guess it just struck a nerve. Call the thread whatever you all like. I’ll just stay out of it as I have bigger problems that I should focus on.

Thankfully, hubby and I are in R. Joined SI in 2017 and left this site per DH’s request in mid-May 2018; be blessed everyone!
-Mrs. Life

posts: 392   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2017
id 8059172
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redfury ( member #58256) posted at 2:50 PM on Sunday, December 31st, 2017

Just going to update on my interactions with BPD stbxwh. On Thursday my step-father and uncle offered to help me move some furniture out of the house. When I showed up, the security code had been changed so I had to call him because the alarm was going off. At first he said he'd just let the police come (which is especially nice since I am currently on probation for a domestic violence incident that occurred because of all of this madness). I told him I didn't care, that he is not allowed to hold my belongings hostage and finally he relented and gave me the code. I should have hung up at that point, but I got sucked into a conversation with him. It included him blaming me for everything. Saying I didn't allow him to be his true self and was trying to control him (truth. instead of maintaining my boundaries, I spent years trying to stop him cheating on me). He completly re-wrote history and had me saying the exact opposite of what I actually said in marriage counseling sessions. Then he threatened suicide. The whole thing had me so spun out that I admitted that I still love him. I do, but I shouldn't have said it. He's crying and says he needs to go because he's at work but will talk to me later. Then radio silence for a couple of days.

Yesterday, I text and say I coming to get my dogs (they had stayed at the house). I won't go over without notifying him again if it 'makes him uncomfortable'. He responds with a barrage of 'I see the truth finally' and 'I am getting help for my problem' texts. Says a lot of things that sound like truth regarding our past. But he is very good at telling people what the want to hear.

I'm worried that he reads everything I post here, as well as on other sites (which is funny because when we lived together I would just leave my journal sitting on the bedside table. I knew he wouldn't read it. Not because he respected my privacy, but because it would never occur to him to be interested in my thoughts and feelings). I know that he was logging into my facebook and fb messenger. I've changed passwords, but he knows my screen names.

[This message edited by redfury at 8:57 AM, December 31st (Sunday)]

Co-d BW, 40
Divorced
D-days: 4-20-2016 and so many more
Recovery is ongoing, I'm doing better every day

posts: 1002   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: Colorado
id 8059305
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Supernova65 ( member #52277) posted at 4:31 AM on Monday, January 1st, 2018

That’s why I asked. I didn’t think Aspergers belonged here but I’ve yet to see much discussion about it anywhere on these threads. I don’t think of it as Aspie bashing but I’d wager that there are many partners or spouses who may like to offer each other support. Then again, there are Aspie specific forums but they don’t deal specifically with infidelity.

Me: BS
Together: 10 years
EA turned PA - at least 2 years?
DD: 10/01/15
XWS moved out 22/01/15
TT until 25/05/15 then some but not full disclosure - still lying
Total NC from 25/05/15

posts: 160   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2016   ·   location: Suburgatory Somewhere
id 8059894
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xhz700 ( member #44394) posted at 5:17 AM on Monday, January 1st, 2018

@redfury

I will be blunt. You know what you are doing wrong. I can identify with how hard it is to not get sucked in, but you need to know that this stops when you stop it, and not sooner.

NC means no new hurts. What can you do to limit discussion with him? Why haven't you filed for divorce yet?

In my case I had to acknowledge my addiction to drama before I was able to detach.

Behold! The field in which I grow my fucks.

Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren.

posts: 1586   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014
id 8059928
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ASoCalledLife ( member #59641) posted at 3:13 PM on Monday, January 1st, 2018

I agree there aren’t many (if there are any?) places on the web dealing with aspies and infidelity.

Maybe a thread for people dealing with “Asperger’s, ADHD, & related diagnoses” would work? Or this thread (personality disorders) could be renamed so that it is inclusive of Asperger’s? But as it stands, neither the DSM 5 nor the ICD categorize autism spectrum disorders (which is what Asperger’s falls under) as a personality disorder. The characteristics are different; they just are.

Thankfully, hubby and I are in R. Joined SI in 2017 and left this site per DH’s request in mid-May 2018; be blessed everyone!
-Mrs. Life

posts: 392   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2017
id 8060143
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:14 PM on Monday, January 1st, 2018

It is interesting to me that a new topic, expressly created for spouses and partners of PDs, is getting challenged by someone with ASD, using self-referent points to make the case against including ASD in a Spouse/Partnerssupport forum after another poster had requested space to share about the pain of being married to an Aspergers’ who cheated?

Characteristic in “Aspies” (included with ASD now) is a relatively weak ability to perceive other people’s realities. For someone with Asperger’s to turn the conversation into a debate about their diagnosis not fitting a “personality” disorder, misses the bigger picture, the clearly-stated reasons for creating this space to post: for Spouses/Partners to have more peer support after suffering from infidelity along with the mental health issues their spouse brought into the relationship.

Given that context, how important is it whether ASD is or is not a “personality” disorder, (and therefor shouldn’t be included here, as was requested), when the focus should be helping others heal from damage done to them by someone with a mental disorder? And ASD is a diagnosed “mental disorder.”

What does it do for an Aspie, if the Spouses/Partners of ASDs are excluded from receiving support here? Does that minimize the Spouse’s reality and silence their pain? Sure seems like it, to me. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to try to include all who might be helped here, rather than split hairs on a technicality?

[This message edited by Superesse at 10:27 AM, January 1st (Monday)]

posts: 1380   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
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Topic is Sleeping.
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