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After I discovered the A, I have not told anyone except my father. The only reason I told him was that I was struggling back in February with forgiveness. He saw that I was really going through something tough and he asked what's going on. He consoled me that he wanted to help. I decided to tell him but I was shitting bricks. I made him promise that he can never acknowledge that he knows by his attitude toward her. He promised. My father is a traditional man (69 now) and this kind of crap does not fly in his circles. After I told him, he kept thinking and nodding his head. Finally he said: "Forgive her my son. Forgive her for the sake of your children. She has tarnished your love, trust, and respect for her permanently but don't punish your children for her poor choices." I was in shock and awe at what he said. I didn't expect it all. I have so much love and respect for him.

But, I keep thinking if I should let her mother, brother, and sister know about it. (Not the spouses because rumor travels fast. Next thing I know, my wife is also known as a slut. That's not good for my children.) But why tell them you ask? Not for their support. I can't expect much from selfish, narcissistic people. More for revenge than anything. Revenge both on her and her mother. Her mother has always put her kids on a high horse and praised them like they are the miracle that dropped from the sky for all mankind to embrace and appreciate. For 15 years, she has shoved this shit at my face. And I've taken it without much response in respect for her. This would be like dagger in her chest. With the underlying thought: "See, here is proof how fucked up your kids are, you narcissist breeding bitch!"

But I haven't done it. Why? Because I think it's a double edged sword. At first it will be shock and awe and shame. Then anger and ridicule toward her. Then more shame. Sooner or later, they will be interfering with my life behind the scene asking my wife to leave me for their own selfish reasons; so that they would not have to face the shame. This is why I believe it to be double edged sword.

I wonder if anyone can relate?

[This message edited by devastated43 at 11:57 AM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

This right here, this is why I missed my dad so much this year. Jan 17th will be 3 years since his passing. My mom was always a stubborn hard ass so I knew I couldn't tell her. To date, the only family members that know are my WW's 2 sisters. My dad and I used to be able to talk about anything, and what I would have given for his advice this year.

DazedConfused20, how did the sisters take it?

I told everyone in my family but that was to get support. And it worked out well. But your situation isn't like that. You pretty clearly say you don't want their support and they appear incapable of giving it. Therefore here are two reasons--out of many--that telling them would be a mistake.

- Your revenge fantasy of what would happen if you told the family is way, way off. The reality would be pretty much the opposite of what you envision.

Families circle the wagon. Families protect their own. It wouldn't take 5 days for them to bring the blame around on you, it would take 5 minutes. It doesn't matter how wrong she was and how blameless you are. Peoples' capacity for rationalization and blame shifting is extraordinary. You would be the bad guy in the affair. And the idea that they would feel shame about the affair? Not a chance. So if you are considering telling them to somehow "win," you can put that idea to rest right now.

- In all things in life, something told to someone will be shared with their spouse about 99% of the time. And, really, that is the way it should be. Secrets among spouses should be exceptionally rare. If you tell the sibling, the spouse will find out. I hope these people wouldn't then be sick enough to tell their children, but it sounds like you think they are.

Listen to your father. He sounds like a wise man.

You talk of forgiveness but your note seems very far from that. How are you doing with your own IC?

I’m sorry, sometimes I hope or think everyone but me has a supportive family. (I know, I need to work on this.)

My in laws are manipulative narcissists that undermines us at every turn. Telling them would not help. Not. At. All.

But what did help? Cutting them out of our lives.

If people, even family members, are not able to be supportive - worse are intentionally divisive, then you are healthier without their presence in your life.

If MrKate had not gone no contact with his family, and *joined* me in sanity-villa, who’s to say if we would still be here fighting the good fight, or if he would have started his quest to heal from all of them.

My own mother and sister seem incapable of empathy and understanding given their intellectual limitations. My mother, when I finally did tell her about MrKate’s abuse and then the affair said to me -*here duaghter*-oh, that must have been so hard for *him*.

Yeah....not helpful. At all.

Ok so, in your other post where I asked why not tell? Sorry. But noted not to make this suggestion without the clause ...if they can be supportive.

chifrudo, wow! Do you know my in laws by chance? Wow!

Families circle the wagon. Families protect their own. It wouldn't take 5 days for them to bring the blame around on you, it would take 5 minutes. It doesn't matter how wrong she was and how blameless you are. Peoples' capacity for rationalization and blame shifting is extraordinary. You would be the bad guy in the affair. And the idea that they would feel shame about the affair? Not a chance. So if you are considering telling them to somehow "win," you can put that idea to rest right now.

This was spot on! His son (married 25 years) went to a couple of bachelor's trips with his bachelor friends to Dominican Republic and Costa Rica. Not nature trips or anything - let's face it he is no jungle jim or a mountain climber - just having fun, clubbing, enjoying their single time. When ridiculed about it for obvious reasons, the MIL said he was tired and needed a get away. Ya! You are so right.

You are right about the other piece too. The secret will get out sooner or later. So I'm better off shutting my mouth. Perhaps, I'll hold it till MIL's death bed and then lay it on her.

On the forgiveness deal, I like to believe that I have forgiven her because I haven't left yet. But the reality is I haven't. I know it through and through.

[This message edited by devastated43 at 1:05 PM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

My husband told everyone. He sent an email to my family telling them I was in a sexual relationship with another man. He also told his boss and co workers. I think he regrets that. I think it became a double edge sword for him because now he feels like my mother and my sister are against him and the whole thing became very awkward, relationships have been severed.

Granted my mom and sister already knew because I told them, and my kids are too young to know and be affected.

For me I was OK not hiding anything, I did it, I own it. I made the mistake and I am willing to face the consequences. If people want to think of me as a slut and a whore they can, but that is not how I define myself.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 1:19 PM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

Yep, this:

Your revenge fantasy of what would happen if you told the family is way, way off. The reality would be pretty much the opposite of what you envision.

Families circle the wagon. Families protect their own. It wouldn't take 5 days for them to bring the blame around on you, it would take 5 minutes. It doesn't matter how wrong she was and how blameless you are. Peoples' capacity for rationalization and blame shifting is extraordinary. You would be the bad guy in the affair. And the idea that they would feel shame about the affair? Not a chance. So if you are considering telling them to somehow "win," you can put that idea to rest right now.

My WW told her sisters the truth of how I had betrayed her. She told me she was going to do that and said that she was also going tell them the complete truth about her many betrayals of me. (I doubt that happened)I did see one sisters reply, that my wife had to decide if I was what she wanted, if she could get past what I had done or decide if she should find someone that would love her for the woman she is. Good luck finding a reasonably well adjusted, mature, emotionally intelligent man that would love her for the lying, serial cheating, unprotected affair sex having thief she is. Although I guess she did find a man, her AP, that "loved" her for the woman she is, a woman willing to spread her legs for some fantasy morsel of ego boost in return.

I think I'm getting more and more convinced that I should still keep this in our fort. Looks like I will continue to get aggravated every time they praise her in front of me.

You know what though? One thing I have noticed is when they praise her now in front of me, I just make a brief eye contact with my wife. She knows what I'm saying. She knows I'm saying "they have no fucking clue who you really are."

It's sad. I never thought we'd end up in this dark hole.

Hahahaha devastated ^this reminds me of right before our separation when H and I went on a trip to visit my family and had to play nice although we were both just miserable. People kept asking him "Have you been really busy with work?" And every single time I would just LOOK at him. Later he tried to tell this story he loves about working with AP and someone else being a complete dick, and I just watched him in disbelief.

Sobby texts to the AP later: "Wife is so mean, wife is so sarcastic, wife keeps glaring at me" Hahahaha... Poor baby.

I told anyone that would listen but not his family. Maybe I should have. However I know how he feels about his family and I thought if I told them I felt the marriage would be over.

moralhighground, I keep wondering how they feel when they get a praise that they know they are unworthy of. The sad reality is, they probably are so ignorant and narcissistic that they believe it's deserved.

UUUUGGGHHHH!!!!

I told my dad one month before he died. I wish I wouldn't have. He did not need to have that weighing on him in his final days. To be fair, he passed suddenly and nobody thought he was going to go downhill so fast.

My WWs mom(the only real family she has) also knows. But she doesn't really care. Because, you see, WW will always be her daughter. I can't fault MIL for that, although she has caused my WW many problems in life due to teaching her to be a conflict-avoidant codependent.

If my daughter(god forbid) ever cheats on her spouse, I'll still love her. I won't support her behavior, but I'll always be her dad. (she's 4 so I don't have to worry for awhile lol)

My mil and in alaws sounds like yours. My mil does know about hers sons infidelity and she said ‘i wonder what frankie did to make him do that?’

So, you wont get any support, nor will the golden child be knocked off the undeserving pedestal. They will compartmentalise her behaviour and blame you. Her sinds will be forgotten and yours will be magnified.

Part of my reconciliation with WH is i have no contact with his FOO. They have never been a friend to iur marriage, to say the least.

I urge you to have nothing to do with them. You will feel better when that toxicity is out of yoir life.

What are they praising her about? If it is for being a trustworthy person, loyal or a faithful person, yes her infidelity could change their opinion. If it is just about anything else, funny, educated, a good cook, entertaining, nice looking etc her infidelity didn't change any of those things so it may not matter. Waywards are complete humans who are more than just their selfish choices. Just like BS's are more than people who were betrayed.

Whenever I want to lash out, I try to turn inward. I would consider why I want to purposefully inflict harm. And if so have I followed my father's advice? Do I want to? Am I willing to forgive or am I just waiting around for opportunities to extract my pound of flesh?

I told NO ONE in either family.

I couldn't handle their pain as well as my own.

I also didn't want to have to heal from infidelity and ALSO have to deal with all the awkwardness it inevitably brings on.

I AM SO GLAD I never told anyone (besides our "team") It makes healing so much less complicated.

strugglebus, I like how you call me out on my crap.

You’re right. I like to believe that I have forgiven her, but like I said, deep down I don’t think I have. I have tried to live up to my father’s advice and it’s been hard. You see, by nature, I am an obsessive person. So it’s hard for me to let go. I have to work on that.

As far as the other point you made, I somewhat humbly disagree. In my view, the whole of a person is made by all of their traits and achievements. You can be an excellent engineer, or lawyer, doctor, or professor but you also have to be a normal human being. Yes, I understand, humans and most mammals are not meant to be monogamous. But that’s our society today. Otherwise it wouldn’t hurt and hell, we should not need SI. So, when one is bragged about constantly about beauty, education, and achievement and there is a huge failure, it becomes hard to hear those praises. And there is this urge to level the playing field.

But as I said, I’m keeping my mouth shut. For now anyway.

You know what though, after all that’s said and done, I’m just a sucker for her. We sit down late at night and watch TV or hang out, and all my pains are tucked away behind a heavy steel door. I don’t know. Maybe I’m in the beginning stages of going mental for the rest of my life.

My mil had to be told because my wh and the mow worked in the family business. Turns out mil was pretty happy to see me knocked off my pedestal so she could take her throne back and be his life partner. She’s a narc at worst, bpd probably and just plain selfish and mean. She discouraged reconciling. She stopped speaking to me almost 4 years ago after I went to her for help - she’s a fucking therapist. Needless to say, telling her was another betrayal after almost 25 years of having her tell me how much she loved me. So people on his side know, but he’s the golden boy, so no repercussions for him. Mustve been my controlling bitchiness that forced him to sleep with a subordinate, right? However, he did see the real character his mother has and that was a huge shift for a 50 yr old man. When I’ve spoken the truth about why I don’t attend family functions - without drama, I say that I don’t have a relationship w mil anymore and that our marriage went thru hell, I’m accused of airing dirty laundry. Needless to say, it’s pretty clear where the need for pretty lies over truth originated. I’m no longer ashamed of what is my story since I didn’t do the damage. Wh fully supports me and is embarrassed by what he ignored and how I was treated. To call mil out on her treatment would solve nothing. She’s never made a mistake in her life and she’s never wrong, she’s a therapist. Luckily, she lives far and her absence from my life has been a real blessing.

Cannot tell my parents because I’m the scapegoat - I’m at fault for everything and I’d get zero support only blame. Hmmmm. The scapegoat married the golden boy who cheated. It’s not a very original story, is it? Therapists start envisioning vacation homes when they see oedipus and his always-at-fault wife arrive lol.

Wow frankiesbeads - our stories are very similar.

Make no mistake, I believe humans are more than capable of making and keeping agreements including monogamy. I've made it 18 years so far myself. For me a doctor is a good doctor if they save lives and are kind and appropriate to their coworkers and patients. If they are having an affair with the neighbor that means they are a crappy human but it doesn't impact the fact that they did a pristine job with my dad's heart surgery.

My husband cheated on me. But he still made a great chili. I could say "You are an excellent cook" without qualification because one doesnt require faithfulness to achieve making a good meal. Trust me, I have said shit that made his hair curl but that was about his worthiness as a life partner..

BUT that may be due to the fact that I was also able to talk about my feelings and hurts with him- and the fact that he has worked his ass off to change.

What is your wife doing to be a safe partner for you now? Does she know you are resentful of her family's praise because of her actions? Are you able to communicate your feelings to her or are they always behind that door? Why are they there? Do you fear losing her if you were to express those feelings?

If you do get to a place where you ready to forgive (it takes time and effort) I suggest The Book of Forgiving.