SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been a long time since I have posted here on SI. I thought I was "over it". I thought H and I were, after 3 and 1/2 years, finally there, finally completely R'd. I know H loves me. He's been wonderful. But what used to be intense pain followed by intense passion - a long period of hysterical bonding I guess - has been replaced by a sort of emptiness. I don't feel much of anything toward H. I enjoy his company. And I like him as a person. But along with the rage and bitterness, my love and desire for him seem to have dissipated as well, leaving me feeling "meh". And I don't like it. Don't get me wrong. I do not want to feel the anger or the pain again. But where did the love and desire go? I honestly woke up one day not too long ago and they were gone.

A good friend explained it as the plain of lethal flatness. And she encouraged me that it does get better. My questions for you are: What exactly is this plain of flatness? And why is it called lethal? Is there anything I can do to restore the good (and only the good) feelings I have lost? And, gulp, how long did it last (or has it lasted)for you?

Feeling nothing is a different kind of "pain". And I feel sorry for H. He deserves more than I am capable of giving him right now. He deserves the love and desire he demonstrates every day towards me. But I just can't muster it up. I really appreciate your feedback. You all have a way of helping me feel sane when I feel like I am losing it.

There is an article about it in The Healing Library:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/lethal_flatness.asp

I hope this helps!!

The plain of lethal flatness hit me at year three too. Exactly the same feelings you have.

It's lethal because some relationships do not survive that period of "meh" which you describe.

I felt that way for about eighteen months. Slowly but surely I started to have real love feelings for my spouse once again. It only happened with time. Yes, that four letter word. I had to really get to the bottom of his affairs and the actions which led up to them. I had to really understand why it happened and to know that at some level I had to forgive him for some of his actions. Some of his actions were simply unforgivable...so I'm just writing off that debt in order to move on in a positive direction. That's the hard part, but I finally feel I'm just on the outside of the plain at the moment (maybe straddling it?)

I'm still sore and hurt from his affair. But I have also come to realize that my life is better with him than without him and that I've started to do things to cultivate my love for him (like more acts of service and gifting which has helped strengthen my bond with him).

It is possible that I hit it after DDay2. Absolute indifference towards her. Lasted two months.

Now, I say "possible" because it is more likely that it might just been reaction to the shock of discovery (but I could not describe it as just being numb, it was just like everything related to her was uninstalled from my system).

He deserves more than I am capable of giving him right now.

Now, about that. I think that he deserves exactly what he's getting. Every ounce (or lack thereof) of it. With all the shit sticking to you, because he dragged you into it.

Have you told him how you feel?

Wow! More good news! Something else to look forward to!

Could it be age? I'm 60 now (long sigh) and at some point the flames of passion turn to embers.

Notthevictim,

You asked if I've told my H how I feel. Good question. No, I haven't. I'm afraid to. Bottom line, I just can't. Because like Lowlow said, "My life is better with him than without him." And I don't want to lose him again. I lost him completely during most of his LTA. It was Hell. He was so cruel to me that my own son told me on multiple occasions that he wouldn't blame me if I left him. Now my H is kind and loving, thoughtful, and considerate. Which is why I was stunned when I woke up one day and felt flat. I could feel that the anger that was always there just under the surface was gone. So was the bitterness. And I reveled in the peace of that realization for a day or two. Until I realized that I was feeling flat. The anger was gone, but so was the passion, the love, and the desire. I felt pretty much empty toward H. And only toward H. My heart still swells with love for my boys and even for some of my dear friends. But for H? Nothing.

Thatbpguy, you asked if it coud be age, adding that, at some point, the flames of passion turn to embers. I don't know. I'm not too far behind you age-wise. But either is H. And he doesn't feel like I do. Not even close. He is always grabbing at and pawing at me, thus leaving me in state of panic at times. "Faking it" is not my thing and it is taking its toll. Hope that's not TMI. If so, I'm sorry.

Darkholeheart,

You made me smile with this:

I think that he deserves exactly what he's getting. Every ounce (or lack thereof) of it. With all the shit sticking to you, because he dragged you into it.

So maybe, just maybe I'm not as "over it" as I thought I was?

And Jimmy1962, maybe it doesn't happen to everyone. It may depend on the circumstances of the A. My H believed he was in love with another woman for 6 years of our M. He brought disease into our home and treated me so badly that I often cried myself to sleep with him lying beside me - wide awake - not caring.

I think you should tell him.

I agree with NTV.

Talk to him and tell him you need some time. This is sort of like a PTSD thing. As I was separated before this came along I wish I had more to add.

Notthevictim and Thatbpguy, thank you for your responses. A large part of me knows you are right. But I don't know how to tell him without totally deflating him. Ever since Dday, I feel responsible for his feelings. His Love Languages are Touch and Words of Affirmation (he scored vitually nothing on the other 3). So I've made it a point to greet him with a hug at the door when he comes home, to tell him I love him and that I am proud of his achievements as often as I can. To tell him I feel nothing now will hit him hard. I know I should, but must choose my words carefully and assure him that this too shall pass. Then I have to hope and pray that it really will. I do get why this feeling is called "lethal". Ugh!

Big hugs NFH....

the one thing I hear/read here is the only person who can make us happy is ourself...making sure he is happy is not your job...it's hard to change the "people pleaser" in us BUT totally necessary...

During my H's A he was indifferent and totally withdrawn...I kept up my routine and cooked cleaned laundry worked full time...made sure we had family dinners etc...all he had to do is show up!

Honestly I was relieved when he wasn't home in the evenings he was such a pain in my ass

then dday and wow all of a sudden he's around ALL THE TIME..we too had the HB for quite a long time...we traveled alot and reconnected ...BUT the reality is still there....

my husband cheated ...he lied ....he was an ass ...he only cared about himself...you know the story....so even though he is a "model" FWH I know that I will always KNOW what he did...and I do love him so very much...there will always be a tinge of sadness ...and I guard my heart a bit...sometimes I TELL myself I feel "meh"...but I think it's more like that feeling of I know what you were capable of...we do talk and I still do cry especially when I am with my kids and new grandbaby

I just still feel like REALLY....REALLY it was all worth losing?

I'm pretty sure I didn't answer your question...but I am sorry you are feeling flat....I guess my "flat" is more like sadness ....

peace NFH

Hi hopeful77!

Yeah, the flat feeling can be likened to sadness. But here’s the strange part. I am fine around my boys and my friends. I laugh and feel warm and happy. Around H lately - and it’s just begun lately - I feel blech. Maybe it is some sort of realization that, although I have forgiven him and the pain and anger of what he did are gone, I am still married to someone who could hurt another person THAT bad. And that has left me feeling kind of empty toward him. I wonder if it’s a proactive or reactive response....Still, I’d like the good feelings back. I wonder if I can fake it until I feel it. Anyone try that?

needfriendshare

This particular post validates why I joined this group. What you have written is exactly how I feel, word for word.

I am about 18 months out from the discovery and from day one I predicted this would happen.

I hang on with hope and knowing the length of our relationship, family and time of life balance the investment to try.

I have lost a part of my self esteem by staying, at least that is how I feel. I tell her I don't like who I am now.

I've told her all my feelings. Always straight up with how I feel. One particular thing you said resonates with me.

He deserves more than I am capable of giving him right now. He deserves the love and desire he demonstrates every day towards me. But I just can't muster it up

I regret not having an answer for you. But unknowingly you have helped me. You understand me.

I think my story is a textbook example of what happens when you just stuff out your feelings. I too felt nothing, and I did nothing. Over time resentment builds and all that repressed stuff makes a repeat visit. Only now the stuff has festered and is way more toxic.

I think you should tell him

(((SBCA)))

You joined this site because of the feelings you have (or lack thereof, in this case)? Yeah, I get that. It's why I'm back. I went away for a while because I felt that H and I were fine - that our M was pretty much healed and that I didn't need SI anymore. But then the flatness occurred. And in its own way, it hurts just as much as the anger, the hurt, and the bitterness. You all have, once again, proven to me that I am not insane. I love that about you all. And your advice? It's usually spot on, but not always easy to execute.

Waitedwaytoolong, your post frightens me. You didn't confront your H with your feelings. You kept them stuffed inside of you (as I'm doing now) and you regret that. You and others here are almost convincing me that I need to be honest and upfront with H about my feelings. But I'm not quite there. Here's why:

It was so much easier to let my H know about the pain and the anger. God knows, I did that for over 3 years. Every time I triggered, he had to hear how much he hurt me. He had to relive his dirty deeds through my recounting of them again and again and again. The thing is that those talks usually ended with him exhibiting extreme remorse, often to the point of tears, and, frankly, to our making love. Telling him now that I feel nothing toward him - no love and no desire? How would that conversation end? He may shed a tear, but not one of remorse. I imagine it would be a tear of resignation. "Well, I've lost you now, haven't I? You really couldn't get over what I did?" And me? What could I say to assuage those feelings? "Oh, don't worry! "They" say those feelings will return in time?" Thus my reluctance in sharing my feelings with him. Honestly, I am leaning toward "fake it till you feel it." And that? That will be one more reason for not liking this "new me" that was born out of my H's indiscretions.

You can't know how he will react to the truth.

First of all, any and all truth is vulnerable. And that vulnerability is a gift. Let him know first off that you are afraid to share because you still have insecurities about his commitment to the marriage (based on what you wrote, you certainly do). Tell him that you are gifting him with this vulnerability and you are trusting him to take this gift and help turn it into emotional intimacy (not necessarily physical).

Look back - when you raged at him, did you know in your heart of hearts that it would beget his remorse? I think it's doubtful. You likely wondered if you would push him away with such anger, but you needed to share it. You needed to be true to you. And guess what happened? He surprised you with empathy and remorse and turning towards you instead of away.

Don't underestimate him here - he has proved your fears wrong before. Give him the chance to do it again, so meet you in your "meh" and assure you he's still in it for the long haul.

(((NFH)))

I think this is why they call it the "plain of lethal flatness". You can't unknow what you already know and have experienced. Even though you may let go of the hurt and anger, you will always know what they are capable of. You will always know how you were thought of or not thought of, how they treated you, what they did with someone else, etc... No matter what they say or do now, it will always be there. Especially with a LTA, there is so much more than you will ever know because they can't remember every text, every call, every encounter, etc.. so how can they be totally truthful about the LTA.

I am sure the people in the R forum will not agree, but you will never be able to convince me that staying with a cheater/liar that had a LTA will ever really change. They may convince themselves and you that they have, but I will never believe it. Just the fact that you are afraid to talk to him about how you are feeling is proof that you are not full healed.

I got to that "plain" after a number of broken NC's and DDay's. Basically I spent my time waiting for the next shoe to drop and I still held on because I thought my life would be ruined and I would push him away if we talked about it. I spent 3 yrs holding on to something that really wasn't worth saving. He finally had to assault me and hold a gun to my head literally before I saw it for what it was (something else I couldn't believe he was capable of).

Your WH spent 6yrs in a LTA and you question why you feel this way? Why you went from anger/hurt/bitterness to basically not wanting/loving him at all? It's because you don't want this to have to deal with for the rest of your life. I think instead of having a talk with him, you need to have a talk with yourself. Only you can make you happy. (((HUGS)))

Wow! So much to ponder here. First of all there is this from Findingjoy:

Look back - when you raged at him, did you know in your heart of hearts that it would beget his remorse? I think it's doubtful. You likely wondered if you would push him away with such anger, but you needed to share it. You needed to be true to you. And guess what happened? He surprised you with empathy and remorse and turning towards you instead of away.

Don't underestimate him here

There is so much truth in what you say. Yes, I always feared I would push H away, but my words seemed to have the opposite affect. Maybe they will now too? He is beginning to feel the distance between us and it breaks my heart. Last night in bed, he was so happy that I draped my leg across his when I was trying to get comfortable. How sad. He actually mentioned how happy it made him that I touched him!!

But I can't deny that there may be some truth im what Trustgone shared too:

Your WH spent 6yrs in a LTA and you question why you feel this way? Why you went from anger/hurt/bitterness to basically not wanting/loving him at all? It's because you don't want this to have to deal with for the rest of your life. I think instead of having a talk with him, you need to have a talk with yourself.

I think it might behoove me to have a little talk with myself before confronting H. I have a feeling (a hopeful one) that I will lean toward wanting to continue to work things out. After all, H has done all the "hard work" and we have come so far. But I do need to search within myself to see why I have suddenly grown so cold. I need to understand me better before I can talk about my "coldness" with him.

Thank you all!

H is now being all distant and cold. Things are devolving rather sublty here.

When he was "with" OW, they texted non-stop except when they were asleep. And he wrote her little novellas every day. I write him messages these days with questions and things I expect hin to comment on, and he either does not see them until hours later or he just gives me a quick response that does not even address my issues. This was his status quo during the A years.

Could I have let things go too far by not speaking up about the flatness I feel? I have been flat, but not distant. Is THIS all it takes for a FWS to pull away?