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[This message edited by findingjoy at 2:57 PM, November 10th (Friday)]

((needsfriendshere))

Long Term Adultery is so very brutal.

I have detached emotionally. That's the problem. I can't do so physically and am not sure I want to at this point. I am beginning to understand why I have detached and I think it would do H and I good to address those issues. Addressing them will speak voolumes about H's true feelings and his true level of commitment

.

I'm finding that my SAWS and I have to work on emotional and spiritual intimacy and it's very slow. The conversations are difficult, but must occur.

I find that I get anxious and insecure when my SAWS isn't bringing his strength and instead is being conflict avoidant and passive. Those behaviors are a trigger, and sometimes a big trigger. I'm working on allowing him to deal with issues in his timing, (he wants reminders, but not ones that make him feel disrespected. The maturation process is trying) to allow him the dignity and experience to success at bringing his strength.

Have you discussed with your WS the grief regarding all that was lost to you and your children from his selfish choice to conduct Long Term Adultery and a double life in the land of the unicorns ( no farts, no bills, no sickness, no grownup responsibilities, lusting after ego kibbles and a mirror held up that only told them what they dreamed of saying [a fun house mirror that distorted and obscured what was true],etc.)?

A man-child is a truly dangerous thing, they pretend to be a man; but they are really a very selfish child who wants to reside in fantasy and not the richness of true intimacy and a full life well lead.

Findingjoy,

H is now more than willing to comment on my FB posts - honestly, from his heart. He wrote quite a bit on the picture that set me off after he and I talked about it. And he promised he will continue to do so. Considering that for years he’s virtually ignored my posts, this is huge. There is one friend in particular who comments on everything I post who I know is now friends with OW. When she commented on this last one - after H did- I was really encouraged. OW needs to keep seeing things like this- H telling me on FB how much he loves me and how much he enjoys the time we spend together. I wish I had thought of this 3 years ago!

Broken-heartedwif,

To answer your question, I have not told H yet about all we have lost as a family because of his LTA. I need to find the right time and the right place. Right now he’s feeling pretty sheepish for having ignored my FB posts all these years. Trust me! He knows that I know that he far from ignored anything OW did when they were together.

I realize we do have a ways to go still. Lots of brokenness to deal with.

Hugs to you all!!

I don't think I've hit this plain yet, but there are many times when I'm just so TIRED of the whole damn thing. The emotional lows and the emotional highs and the hijacking of my everyday thoughts and the images in my mind and all that ... it makes me think that if/when I get to this "plain" stage it will just be my body/soul letting me know that it needs to shutdown for a bit to recharge. I'm hoping this will help me lean into it, if necessary.

i wanted to reference this threaad....it describes my reccent feelings....may respond more later.

I was on Zoloft in 1994 for about 7 years. I had absolutely no highs...no lows....essentially no feelings at all.

Those same feelings have returned...but not on any SSRI....must be "THE PLAIN"...

(((Nlwsrw)))

Yes, I think you’re there too - on the Plain. I’ve never been on SSRI’s but my oldest son has. He didn’t like them because they made him feel flat! I wonder - what is worse, depression or flatness?

I know I was very sad after Dday. There were days I wanted to die. So I guess that was worse. But there was also an intensity in H and I reconnecting and rebuilding that was almost like a high. The HB at times was incredible. Now almost everything with him is flat. But not 100% anymore. Very slowly, something is returning. There have been moments...

Abacus, how long ago was your Dday? And did your FWS have an LTA? This flatness seems to vary wildly depending on certain factors. And it hits after the anger, bitterness, and moments of hate pass. Some people, it seems, kind of bypass it? Maybe you will...