SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dday, I found my WW had a three month affair with an old flame. He said all the right things to her and they met for sex (in my car) 1-2 times a week. She said it was "just sex". Then six weeks later I pulled the cell phone logs and found out she had texted back and forth with him 2600 times....This led her to finally admit that she had fallen for him. She didn't want to admit that because he was a jerk and denied her to his wife when I let the other spouse know of the affiar. I thought we had a great marriage. MY WORLD HAD COLLAPSED! I'm just so incredibly sad. I went to work so she could have unlimited sex with this other man who she fell in love with. I'm so sad and don't know if I can truly reconcile with her. She's doing everthing right. Being supportive, answering questions, and general kindness. Anyone have ANY supportive words for me. I just thought she loved me too much to ever do this to our family.

I'm a wreck...

I think most BSes are wrecks for a few months after d-day. I'm going to list some things to do that worked for me and for lots of other SIers, and they may work for you.

IMO, it's too early to know what you want. You say you don't know if you can reconcile - that sounds to me like you might want to R.

If you're uncertain - and I think uncertainty is entirely reasonable in the early days - know that you have time. You want the best decision for yourself, and that's not necessarily the quickest.

D-day brings with it shock and immense grief, anger, fear, and shame - shame even though your W did the shameful things. My advice is to take some time to get through the shock and start to process the feelings out of your body. A good IC can help ... if you can ID a good IC. (I've had great luck; some people haven't.)

You can't think effectively when you're in shock. My advice is to go with the roller coaster and have faith that you will get out of shock, and you will be able to figure out what you want and what's possible, and you will heal.

Be kind to yourself right now. Drink a lot of water and little or no alcohol, no drugs, move your body, eat if you can, sleep if you can.

Begin to understand that your W cheated because of her issues, not because of issues with you or your M. Her issues, and unless she starts to resolve those issues, R is impossible even if you want it.

Test your W. Ask questions and evaluate her answers for truth. (Sounds like you're doing that.) Tell her No Contact (NC) is a requirement for not D'ing.

Check out the threads in JFO ID'ed by bull's eyes. Read http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp. Print out a copy for your W. Don;t tell her about SI - just say you found it on the web. Keep SI for yourself now. Trust me on this.

You may read posts telling you what to do. Read critically and ignore the stuff that makes poor sense, and ask questions about stuff you don;t understand.

And never doubt that you can survive and thrive, no matter whether you R or D.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:07 PM, October 14th (Saturday)]

It is early but you did the right thing in exposing to OM's spouse. Never help hide the affair.

Take some time and think of what you want. Do not jump into R or MC.

Give yourself some time.

Maybe take a trip to a friends or relatives alone.

Sorry my man.

You are plainly plan B. When you exposed she had hopes of her FB dumping his W and then living happily ever after with your WW. Instead she was subjected to pond scum status by her FB to his wife otherwise she would be keeping house with her AP now and you would be on the outside looking in.

You had to drag everything out she never freely admitted to anything until presented with the facts.

Sorry man but she regrets getting caught and that it broke up her excitement for the week. All the things she's doing is to keep you on the hook so you don't D her ass.

Also 3 month affair could have been ongoing for quite some time who or where did you derive the time line from. You cannot believe a word that your WW says as she is a liar, a cheat and is in full self preservation mode, where she will minimize everything to try and salvage her plan B. And 1-2 times a week means probably most every week day, so they had sex about 20 - 40 times during this period while you were working to provide for your family. After which you came home and were relegated to sloppy seconds and potential STD's.

I myself do not understand how men or women can live with their WS after the disrespect that an A brings to a M. You can talk about how the OM or OW sweet talked their panties off or made them pull their Johnson out of their pants or whatever but the only point is that they made a choice whether to cheat or tell the person making the advances to fuck off.

I refused to continue my M due to the disrespect to our M, as a matter of principle and my high level of integrity and for all intents & purposes I am happier for it. I miss what could have been but I don't miss my WW.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 3:33 PM, October 14th (Saturday)]

STBXH,

MY WORLD HAD COLLAPSED!

I'm a wreck....

I completely understand, you are still the EARLY stages of shock.

"How long were you in complete shock? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=611905

Now, I will leave you my standard welcome with links that I personally feel that every newly BS should be aware of.

Sorry that you are in so much pain but so glad that you did find us.

I will leave you some reference thread.

You will find these threads very helpful. Please read them when you have a chance.

Here's how other BS's describe the pain of infidelity.

"Being cheated on hurted you so bad that you could've "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=588628

Here are the physical symptoms of healing from the trauma of infidelity.

"What physical symptoms of A did you have? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597986

Here's what others members here recommend to do to help with those physical symptoms.

"Advice U would give new BS's w/ physical symptom of A? "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=612147

Here's how long the physical symptoms may last for you.

"Physical symptoms "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=524902

It is very very normal to obsess about the A all, everyday FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

"The A Has Taken Over "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=606592

Here's what the members here obsess about .

"Top 5 things you obsessed about? Dday til now "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=597356

Also, I have links in my signature that will give you honest insights into your anger

Sending you peace and strength.

Walking with you.

It is just sex - that alnoe is enough to turn your sadness in to anger. You provide all the security and care which is needed for your WW to enjoy adultary. WW is a worse POS than POSOM.

Do the 180 She will not enjoy the cheating any more. Your wife has no character. You need to think hard whether she will ever develop one.

Do not fell victim and get victimized repeatedly. WW in her fog will not at all care.

If you are young do not bother to reconcile. Otherwise at least you can say midlife crisis

[This message edited by goalong at 4:23 PM, October 14th (Saturday)]

Just. Only. Merely. It's maddening isn't it. Just the closest most intimate act two people can do. Now, every time he thinks of her, she will be naked. He knows what will get her off, knows what she does when she orgasms. They've had their mouths everywhere. Fingers too.

Then she came home, kissed you, caressed you, or maybe begged off with a headache.

But hey, you can rest easy. It was JUST sex.

Get an std test right now.

Hi, welcome to SI.

What you are feeling is very normal, she dropped a bomb on your life, it is the ultimate betrayal. Understand infidelity causes trauma.

My concern for you is she was in love with this guy. The A imploded, and all of a sudden her feelings change in a nanosecond?

Ask yourself what she would have done had the OM left his wife. Would your WW have left you for this guy? That speaks volumes bc you cannot R with a spouse who is in love with someone else no matter what his/her actions are. Is she doing everything right because she truly feels remorse, or is she sinking back into the security of being married to a man that was of no concern to her during the A.

If you want to be Plan A, she has to prove it consistently over time. I mean years. If your gut is telling you that you are Plan B, please trust it.

There's a great article at the top of this forum called Tactical Primer. Read it and re-read it.

Also understand that words are meaningless, her actions will speak volumes.

Is she NC with OM?

Is she in IC?

Is she transparent giving you access (passwords, etc) to everything, I mean everything?

Is she accountable for her whereabouts?

What are the consequences she is facing for her actions?

Is she reading books?

Does she truly understand the depth of destruction she has inflicted on your marriage and your family?

First of all annb...

Is she NC with OM? YES

Is she in IC? YES

Is she transparent giving you access (passwords, etc) to everything, I mean everything? YES

Is she accountable for her whereabouts? YES

What are the consequences she is facing for her actions? D

Is she reading books? YES

Does she truly understand the depth of destruction she has inflicted on your marriage and your family? YES, I've never seen her this broken up and down.

Thanks guys for all the advice and helpful scenarios. I have thought exacty what everyone has written. I guess the first thing I need to do is get myself together and decide what to do. I presume another 3 months and that will distance myself from the A? I hold all the cards. STD tests came back NEG. Thank God. The terrible part is if I had not discovered this it would of gone on indefinately. I'm just pissed. I will continue to read what you guys have been thru. Most of you are ahead of me on this, so I can kind of guage where I'm going to be. Today, I feel like absolute shit for our young children. They didn't deserve this any more than I did.

I can't thank you all enough...knowing I'm not eating this SHIT SANDWICH alone makes me feel exponetionally better....

[This message edited by STBXH at 6:06 PM, October 14th (Saturday)]

Sorry, I forgot to thank @sisoon Beautifully said and I did print it out...

You can't trust anything at this time exept yourself. Time will tell. All cheaters lie, hide and deny. ALL!!!!

Get strong quick and stay in control of yourself. The reality is you can't make her do anything. She has to do that.

You will be fine long term no matter how this turns out it's just tough to see that right now.

The other thing is just because you found out and did the correct thing with exposure doesn't mean this will end.

The other man may have said the right things BUT she let him in.

I presume another 3 months and that will distance myself from the A?

What is it that you mean by "distance myself"? It is best that you do not think in terms of a timeframe. Three more months is unrealistic. You will set yourself up for hurt when that timeframe (or any timeframe) rolls around and you are still triggered and in pain.

99 out of 100 times the best answer is just to divorce and move on. Almost no waywards are worth keeping. There are very few people who can or will change at all. If they ever do it will be after years of getting the same result over and over so they finally give up on their crap. If you want to take it for several more years hoping that your WS is the one in a hundred that manages to change, well, prepare for lots more of the same.

how would she feel if you had an A?

would that hurt her self-esteem?

how do you know that she is NC?

have her prove that to you.

she did not confess? sounds like you caught her.

It would still be going on.

YES, I've never seen her this broken up and down.

She's broken down after the fact. She was in love(or had fallen for him) which means during the affair she relished those pleasant feeling endorphins she felt, not be harsh but it probably enhanced the sexual experience as well.

So a) It was not just sex because she had fallen for him as well which meant it was emotional as well.

b) As you put it, it would have continued because she was getting great sex and a fill in boyfriend to love.

So she's not too broken up, yes she's been caught and for her the situation is likely very embarrassing and the magnitude of what she's done is hitting her but there are also shows of self pity that are designed to play up to the betrayed, sort of the I'm crying so you can't go too hard on me scenario.

first of all, it's 'never just sex' even if it was 'just sex'. That line is minimizing her conduct and is dusgusting.

How would she like it if she found a video of you and Jenna Jameson doing it and then you come back to her and say 'don't worry, it was 'just sex'. You would get your ass kicked out and would be in divorce court fast.

It sounds like the other douchebag ended it. So now your wife is trying to play preservation mode.

I agree with notanotherchance as I always do and therefore, I am rarely a voice in support of reconciliation. Just look at the reconciliation board on this website and you will see the tragedies that these good people who are reconciling are going through every day. And I do applaud those people for trying, I am not one who could do it unless I was facing severe damage in the process and had to eat a shit sandwich.

You never mentioned how long you were married or if you have kids but if it was a short marriage and no kids, I would be the hell out of there. If it was complicated, I may still be.

Hello and welcome, STBXH

You are doing very, very well at this point of the devastation of betrayal. From your use of the acronyms it appears that you have already done some reading here. If not then do check out the healing library section of the site.

Your exposure, willingness to D, and response to Annb's excellent post are very encouraging.

I agree that it is too early to decide, but not too early to decide what you would need at a minimum to stay married. Please DO NOT ACCEPT any bullshit minimizations on her part.

From what I have seen here, the spouses that start out strong, are completely willing to walk away, and immediately take steps to protect themselves fare much, much better than those who worry overmuch about maintaining the marriage and getting the love back from their cheating spouse.

Realize that YOU are the prize, she is a cheater with low value. She's back because her boyfriend wouldn't leave his wife, no matter how great the sex was. Fuck that. File for D and make her prove herself to you in order to call things off. D takes quite a while.

You were plan B for her.

She was just a piece of ass for him.

STBX, another thought occurred to me. It's not one that you will find pleasant. I think it's important to tell you regardless, because you need to find your anger and fully realize who she is right now and how far she needs to go.

Ready? As you are painfully aware, rejection hurts so very badly. Knowing someone you had feelings for could just dismiss you, wound you deeply because they cared more for their experiences with another is the absolute worst. You are feeling that now.

So is she.

She is broken up because the OM has rejected her for his wife, and she has nowhere to go now but back to shame and the M she has crapped on. Not because how you are feeling. If she was broken up about her betrayal of you, the sex would have been a one night stand followed by guilt, remorse and an eventual tearful confession.

Again, take your time before making a decision. However finding your anger and taking a hard line at this point is not a bad thing for you IMHO.

Best.

She is broken up because the OM has rejected her for his wife, and she has nowhere to go now but back to shame and the M she has crapped on. Not because how you are feeling. If she was broken up about her betrayal of you, the sex would have been a one night stand followed by guilt, remorse and an eventual tearful confession.

This.

I’m not saying it’s impossible to R, but you have to ask yourself if (1) you can ever heal from such a horrible betrayal and for her making you Plan B, and (2) will you ever feel secure that she will never do this again?