SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Man, I am so sorry you are going through this. What I have read is that she is very remorseful. Is she so remorseful because she now realizes that she can't have OM or because she realizes that she loves you and wants to marriage to survive? It seems that you are choice #2. I would ask her plainly. If I was the second choice I might have to let the marriage go. As others have said, it seems she is remorseful only because she got caught and others know of the A. I will be praying for me man.

To me this is the worst case scenario. If my SO had a drunken ONS or a lustful fling that meant nothing to them emotionally, that would still be a huge mountain to climb for me to consider staying with them. They'd literally have to be the best remorseful SO in history and do everything 100% right. If, however, I found out they gave their heart to this other person, even if it was never physical and just and EA, then that is something that I absolutely could not forgive and get past and I'd have to walk away for good. That's just me.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 11:45 AM, October 16th (Monday)]

An alternative perspective.

It's not unusual for a WS (in my opinion, more for a female) to "fall in love" with their affair partner. It's just so frequently seen that women need the emotional "love" in order to have sex whereas guys simply want to get laid. So, to me, the fact that she "feel in love" with this guy is probably more fantasy than reality. I would bet that she will slowly come to this realization.

For posters to immediately assume that you were Plan B is simply projection. The facts that you have posted show that your wife is quite remorseful over what she did. If she is similar to others she may find the severe shame of having given her emotional side to a guy who was just looking for a piece on the side. That can be very traumatic to a woman and something that you will have to deal with one day down the road should you decide to reconcile.

As for the "it would have still been going on if you hadn't discovered it," well - that is true. It's also pretty obvious. Most affairs don't end without discovery. It is rare to see a true confession on this site. You can go crazy wondering about the "would it still be going" question. It's something that time will allow you to put into perspective.

My point is this (and this comes from a guy whose wife had a 3 year affair) - people create really shitty situations for themselves. For whatever reason, they start an affair and create an emotional bonding... even when they know/understand the potential repercussions. It's an oxymoron - like trying to understand the motives of a terrorist. The actions just don't make sense. As a betrayed spouse we don't like to view it this way. We always look at our wives and assume that she was just waiting to leave you. They just wanted to get laid. They didn't care about you.

The truth, however, is far more complicated than that. For those of us who have reconciled we learn a side of our wives that explains some things and leaves others unanswered. You will start to see the deep emotional failings of a wife who you used to think "had it all together." Some explanations will become more clear down the road as she does the work on herself. Other things will NEVER make sense - and yet you'll just learn to put them away like you do with "what is the origin of the universe" and "will the Eagles ever win a Super Bowl?" You will look at your wife more objectively and realize that she is capable of making horrendous decisions. You will move forward being a changed - yet better - man.

So... my recommendation? First and foremost - if her affair was a deal-breaker for you then simply file for divorce. Don't spend 3 years hoping for the best if you already realize the marriage is over. You are allowed to play that card if you wish.

If not, realize that reconciliation takes a LONG time. They say 2-5 years but I say bullshit. It can be longer, it can be forever. It depends solely on your wife's commitment and YOUR ability to accept that commitment. Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart.

That being said, I will tell you something that is often NOT discussed on this site: after infidelity, reconciliation allows a couple to rebuild a marriage on FAR better terms. You learn the true value of communication in all phases of the marriage. You start to realize that if you're going to go through this horror and MAKE IT, why not create a truly exceptional relationship?

My wife did an AWFUL thing to me. But you know what? I couldn't possible have a relationship with another woman that is better than I have right now. Her affair is way in the past. And our FUTURE has now taken shape that allows us to be truly happy - in every possible respect.

If your wife is remorseful, and you think you are the type of person who may be able to survive this betrayal, it might be worth your shot. Don't expect rapid progress - it takes a long time. But it CAN be worth it.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 11:03 AM, October 16th (Monday)]

Lifeiscrazy

Thank you. Objective and reasonable. I really needed that.

This may not be a popular post, but reasons schmeasons. She did it bc she wanted to. She did it even though she knew it would destroy you. She did it even though she knew it could result in D. She did it because she wanted to.

Every single time she did it, she chose the OM over you and your kids. Every single time she texted him, she chose him over you and your kids. Every single time she called him, she chose him over you and your kids. Every single time she spoke to him, she chose him over you and your kids. When she allowed herself to fall in love with him, she chose him over you and your kids. Getting hurt bc he chose his wife over her, is again choosing him over you and your kids. Mourning the loss of him in her life? Yes, that's choosing him over you and your kids. She constantly chose him over you and your kids. Every. Single. Time.

Then she gets caught and all of a sudden is broken down and a shell of her former self bc she doesn't want to lose you? Ask yourself this....had he left his wife for her, would she still be there with you? You know the answer. You know that again, she would have chosen him over you and your kids. But now she can't live without you? It's sickening.

So let's say you stay with her...what happens if he leaves his wife next month and tells her to come be with him? Can you tell me that you know 100% that she'd choose you and your kids? She doesn't exactly have a great record of doing that so far when it comes to this guy, does she?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 6:03 PM, October 16th (Monday)]

The thing is that life is crazy and golden R are both right and both wrong. No two As are the same, and no to As are that different. That is what is crazy making about this stuff.

You can't really believe anything she is saying. But you have to to remain sane. The person who hurt you more than any other in your life is the one person who also is the person who holds the key to you regaining your self respect.

You will hear "don't decide anything for six months." Not if climbing into bed with her every night will destroy you. Think of the kids? Fine, do. Bit know they will be better with one stable parent than two wrecks.

Is she pining for the om and her love affair? Of course she is. She would not be human if she wasn't. Assuming she is not a sociopath, she is wasting a lot of emotional energy on him, what he did for her, what he didn't do, what if, what if, what if. She will deny it. She is lying. No one, no one, gets over an A at the flick of a switch. It cannot be done.

As with all addictions, the chance of relapse is huge. Can you understand and deal? Do you want to?

Saying you are plan B is projection? Not really. She is inCYA mode. Of course she will say what is needed now to protect her security, her finances, her lifestyle, the kids, the family. Oh, and I guess you. If the om crooked his finger would she drop you? Maybe. Maybe not. This is unknowable now. It takes time before you are looked at as the equal if not better than the om. It might never happen. But that will never be admitted.

Have you had the on her knees begging for forgiveness moment? If not, why not? Is she giving you reasons, most of which add up to some failing on your part. Not good. Is she guilting you? Not good. Go on the R board and see what some have to go through. Sooner or later you will wonder about her instant execution eve conversion. Can't be helped.

You have all the choices here. You can say FU I'm outta here, and she can't complain. (Well, she will, but has no real standing to.). You can set lines in the sand. She will cross them or she won't. Or you can beg her to stay at all costs. We have seen it happen.

So what can you deal with? If you stay with her, you know that she might relapse, or she might pick up again with someone else to feel like whatever has been calling her must be met with. Or she might not. Maybe she makes herself whole. Or maybe she just doesn't meet the right om. You will wonder.

Can you ever trust her? Yes. Except for those sleepless nights every so often where something just doesn't feel right. And boy don't try to engage, because you will get the "get over it" comment.

Know that someday you will be somewhere and run into the om. Know that your WW will stand there like a deer in the headlights while every emotion courses through you and you bp goes up 50 points. Up for that? If so, ok. If not, well, think on it.

So. WhAt do you need? WhAt do you want? Ready to say? No? Fine. You will know when and if you are. But understand, you will never, ever, forget. It cannot happen.

No bring down, just cold reality. Just remember that in a few months if you feel miserable, that will be because you are miserable. If you feel hopeful, that is because you are hopeful. And no matter what she says, from now on the issue is what she does.

There isn't one single cheater that didn't pick the ap each time or at least some times. That's a defining trait of cheating. Its not like the posters wife is worse than, she's just another run of the mill cheater

This mourning for om, that I wouldn't accept. He helped her kill your marriage. I'd tell her you dont want to see that shit. It cheapens what she destroyed (your m).

If you want to end the m, that's fair enough. She's given you a reason everyone accepts as THE reason to end an m. Get a good lawyer.

If you want time to think, that's OK too. We all felt blitzed when we just found out and in shock. Just make sure you aren't in limbo but are actively deciding, even if it takes some time. We will support you no matter what.

If you decide r it should be because you feel she's capable of doing the work to be a safe partner. Remorse. Individual counseling to fix what's broken and unhealthy in her. And because you enter into giving such a gift to her with eyes wife open knowing its possible she cheats again. To r she needs to fix herself and the m, its all on her. Plus she needs to help you because she broke you too.

Limbo (hanging around unsure what you want, basically refusing to think and just staying to stay) is unsustainable.

D is the only course you control all on your own. It also carries the fewest emotional risks - she won't be YOUR wife 'next' time.

R relies on her to do the hard work. Cheating is inherently selfish, greedy, and self destructive. Trusting a person us able to change is a huge risk emotionally. But it can also be the most rewarding. You won't ever think the a made your m stronger but all the work can indeed make it stronger.

How is your sex life now and during the affair?

Do you have passwords to all her social media?

Have you read the thousands of texts and emails?

Has she begged you not to leave her?

Have you had paternity tests done on your children?

Is she in individual counseling?

99 out of 100 times the best answer is just to divorce and move on. Almost no waywards are worth keeping. There are very few people who can or will change at all. If they ever do it will be after years of getting the same result over and over so they finally give up on their crap. If you want to take it for several more years hoping that your WS is the one in a hundred that manages to change, well, prepare for lots more of the same.

Good lord man...you have no understanding of the situation and you post that?

Some marriages are worth saving, some aren't.

Listen to LifeisCrazy, LongSadStory and William. They are offering measured, constructive advice.

[This message edited by WornDown at 8:58 AM, October 17th (Tuesday)]

I will agree with LifeisCrazy, the timeline for actually R can be long. I will gladly play, "Can you top this" with most of the BS's here. It took me over a decade for the resentment to subside, yet it will alway linger in the back of my mind.

I have no doubt our spouse have deep seated issues that allowed this to happen. Hopefully that have realized how much pain they have caused and that the need IC to re-establish healthy boundaries, that they can be fixed.

Them being fixed, does not alleviate the pain they have caused us. (thanks a lot, Honey). You will always have question, doubts, and suspicions. It's inevitable.

You should re-read LifeisCrazy's post. If your wife is truly remorseful, she needs to do the carry the bulk of the load and do the hard work. Your job is figure out a way to deal with, or not. Your job is the harder of the two, believe me.

No disrespect, but you're plan B. The OM became her plan A. Now that he has refused her and made it clear she was just a vagina to him, she's "accepting" you back more so than asking you to take her back.

So what does this say to me...

Well, it states she no longer loved you and was looking for someone else. That has probably not changed for her. Right now she is reeling from rejection and wants you to comfort her. When she is feeling better, she will most likely start shopping again or wish she was. I mean, you're still the same person she no longer loves.

All this to say I am not saying D is your only path, but I think you need to look deeper at the realities here and understand you're just her temporary safety net. I was that to my XWW and this is like watching a movie of my life.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 9:26 AM, October 17th (Tuesday)]

@ cincykid - not to tj too much but each persons betraya is 'the worst ever' to them.

WS in 'love' with ap - ouch, they loved ap. Emotions.

WS just screwed them with no emotions - ouch, can't trust them with anyone regardless of emotional involvement.

Lta - ouch, repeated betrayal with lots of lies.

Ons - ouch, they threw away the m for a piece of ass.

The list of what makes each case of infidelity an individually different shit sandwich is as endless as the debate of which is worse but the key point is that regardless of the differences a shit sandwich is still and fundamentally a shit sandwich.

End t/j.

And longsadstory - great post!

The list of what makes each case of infidelity an individually different shit sandwich is as endless as the debate of which is worse but the key point is that regardless of the differences a shit sandwich is still and fundamentally a shit sandwich.

Fortunately, this talk of food isn't making me hungry at all.

WORNDOWN

TWISTED

LIFEISCRAZY

Thank you so much! I'm felleing better already....I needed this very much.

FROM CHAPPIE

How is your sex life now and during the affair? GREAT

Do you have passwords to all her social media? YES

Have you read the thousands of texts and emails? NO-DELETED

Has she begged you not to leave her? YES

Have you had paternity tests done on your children? KIDS ARE OLDER

Is she in individual counseling? YES

She is doing EVERYTHING right according to every R book out there...I'm still aprehensive but do believe that time will tell if she is willing to do all the hard work and is really a broken woman. God knows I haven't been an angel (no infidelity, just flirting) but I think I owe it to my kids to let her fight for me for 3 months. I will set a reminder on my phone for 3 months and update everyone. In my eyes she's an unrepentant monster with no moral compass but then again, that's not the kind and dynamic woman I married 14 years ago.

BTW, I HAVE ZERO PROBLEM LEAVING THIS M! I'm 44 with a 6pack and have a great career. I am also kind and terribly monogamous. This isn't about being P-whipped. I know you all are concerned but lets please PRESUME that my wife is REMORSEFUL.

This is the BEST club I would never want to join again...LOL

Thank you all for your opinions...I appreciate the support. But I need measured responses. On the surface my WW is definetly a typical cheater. But here is something to chew on...

From

Have you had paternity tests done on your children? KIDS ARE OLDER

I would still do it, just to be sure that you have the truth.

Mine are adults, and I still intend to do so once I have the funds set aside.

By having a great sex life during the affair it would seem she was not in love with the other man. It is almost universal that they cut off their husband when they fall in love with the other man. Usually, it means they were in it for fun and giggles.

However, it also means she was willing to crush her marriage with you for anroll in the hay. Every cheater knows and disregards the fact their marriage is done if they get caught.

Thanks for the clarification. You have the right rational attitude. Best of luck to you.

Have you read the thousands of texts and emails? NO-DELETED

Dr Fone

My only advice is to take it slow. She may be doing and saying the right things, but it's her actions over time that will show you the truth.

BTW, I HAVE ZERO PROBLEM LEAVING THIS M! I'm 44 with a 6pack and have a great career. I am also kind and terribly monogamous. This isn't about being P-whipped. I know you all are concerned but lets please PRESUME that my wife is REMORSEFUL.

When I read this I think the BS is in a good spot, whether the road is toward R or D. STBXH, it reads like you are well leveraged in your situation and that you have time to spare to watch her actions and how it speasks to you. The only thing I want to add is that if you have not visited an attorney yet I highly recommend doing so in order to protect your best interest in the matter and be guided around the legal potholes while your WW is being observed by you. Otherwise, you really are in the catbird seat so to speak.