SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Timeless, to be completely honest, some days I want that more than anything. Other days I could give two shits if I ever see her again. I guess my mind is still not quite in the right place. But I realize what must be done in reality and I'm pressing on. It gets a little less murky every day and with every step I take. I chalk it up to the fact that I'm relatively still early on in this process. All I can do is slog forward, looking in the rearview

Gw,

Yes you are very early in the process. There have been other members that have taken decisive action immediately to get themselves out of infidelity. But that doesn't mean the *process* of processing the betrayal is shorter, less painful.

You hit upon it. Your heart and mind are not aligned right now. There are each telling you things that don't match up. You've had your heart ripped out of your chest by someone who you've only loved. Pre DDay your heart and mind were aligned.

You have been doing an excellent job with the "mechanics" of getting yourself out of infidelity. At some point in time...soon...it is imperative that your attention turns to you. So that you can process and start the journey towards healing.

Every poster on your thread wants that for you. Get out of infidelity and heal.

Thanks timeless. I think that everyday I'm slowly making that turn. It's just not turning on a dime like I wish it would . Thoughts sometime still slip in. I guess it's memories of "Christmas past" can't go back, gotta go forward. Just can't help but wonder what would have happened if she'd have just tried. I fear that in a few months I'll be much better and this thingnof hers will implode, as I see it happening. A telephonenaffair is in my mind destined to fail. When it does I am sure she'll try to re engage and disrupt everything. Hopefully by that time I'm stronger and can let her drift on by to the next caller...........

What type of crazy ass mindset is that? Cheating on your boyfriend is wrong but cheating on your husband is ok?

This is part of that cognitive dissonance that drives part of the wayward thinking. That dissonance is her believing she is not the kind of person who cheats which is in conflict with the reality that she is actually engaged in an affair. To quell it, she believes it isn't an affair because the OM is her "soulmate" and her relationship with you was a mistake and she validates that version of her truth by saying she will be cheating on him if she tries to R with you. In other words, she wants come out of this most of all labeled as NOT a cheater. She is avoiding shame, guilt, accountability.

GW, I thought I'd chime in here, regarding the healing process from this pain, agony, and trauma all of us on this site have experienced.

Ultimately, the POSOM and your STBXWW are irrelevant to your healing. Almost five years after my D-DAy, I still am confident my X's relationship with her POSOM will blow up, but it hasn't, yet. Now, though, I don't think about them much... They both just don't matter to my new life.

We cannot control the actions of others. The world will do what the world will do. All we can do is control how we respond. And my suggestion to you is that you keep going down your path--getting out of infidelity and on with your healing.

The healing will take time. I tried to rush it for years; it hurt so much. Paradoxically, my recovery took big leaps only when I finally surrendered to the notion that it'll take as long as it takes--that I also had no control over that.

Three to five years is what's bantered about here as the standard recovery time from this trauma. I remembering being FURTHER pained by hearing that time frame then. I didn't know how I was going to make it anywhere near that long; it hurt so much. Turns out, it took three years for me.

We aren't promised a pain-free life. Indeed, Buddha said we'd each experience 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows in our lifetimes. When I was in the midst of my pain and healing, I determined that if I was going to go through this much pain, I was going to get as much from it as I could.

It turns out that by embracing the pain, I was increasing my capacity for love, compassion, and empathy for others. Indeed, you can't have one without the other--pain and love are two sides of the same coin. Pain--if accepted and embraced--leads to more love, which, in turn, leads to more pain. And so on and so forth...

So, as crazy as it may sound to you right now, I encourage you to surrender to, accept, and lean into your pain. You now have the opportunity to gain more love, compassion, and empathy in your life. Indeed, you will create love in your future you cannot now imagine. But believe it. It's coming for you.

Blessings, LA

[This message edited by livinganew at 2:04 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

Do they ever come out of that dissonance?

GW:

Do they ever come out of that dissonance?

They may, or they may not. Maybe understanding will come with time. Or, maybe not.

I think what many here are saying, though, is that wondering (agonizing?) about this wastes your precious time and energy; both of which you and your kids need right now.

Focus only on this: getting yourself out of infidelity and your healing. The sooner you do that, the better you are for your kids and your new life.

Blessings, LA

Exactly - there is LITERALLY nothing you can do to answer or change the outcome of the answer.

So part of healing yourself is to only worry about things that you have the power to change. That one is out of your ballcourt now brother

Sharkman, Twisted, Bigger jduff:

Will GW's pursuit of posom (he has control) help GW?

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 2:10 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

While most cases are weirdly similar, yours is knd of unique in that many facebook telephone affairs end up with the wife leaving husband AND kids behind. The odd thing here is your wife doesn't plan on even moving out.

The number of women that get out of the fog is high. Realistically though, it seems to me it is usually too late.

Excuse my math but many studies claim one third of marriages survive infidelity. A study recently noted that if a man cheats the survival rate is 45%. My math is telling me that means only about 15% of marriages survive when the wife cheats given about a 33 % average.

I wonder if thats because husbands are that much more likely to divorce a cheater or is it that when a woman cheats she is just done already.

Another weird thing is how many people say their spouse just changed into someone they don't know overnight. Bat shit crazy comes up a lot. That can go either way.

Chappie:

Another weird thing is how many people say their spouse just changed into someone they don't know overnight. Bat shit crazy comes up a lot.

For me, an important understanding was how our waywards are transformed by their choices and actions. (Heck, for that matter, we ALL are.) This is why choosing to avoid going down the path of temptation--and instead to do the right thing--is so important: our actions determine who we are and/or become.

When our partners made the choice they did, they had to rationalize it or their minds would implode. The marriage is rewritten by our waywards, to justify their actions. The marriage is downgraded, while the AP is upgraded.

Then, as they ACT out of such beliefs they actually change who they are. They become people we no longer know. And while they've been secretly changing, we've been assuming they are still the SAME person.

I think that's why the shock is so marked--they've been changing into someone we no longer know. As the affair continues, their secret change becomes more and more solidified. Then, when the affair comes to light, that dichotomy is suddenly laid bare and doesn't square with who we thought our spouses were.

The person we married would NEVER have done this, right? Well, that's because they're not the same person, anymore.

The person we knew no longer exists. Through their affair, rationalizations, and actions, they've changed into someone else. And whether couples R or D, they won't be the same person as before.

We may think we "miss" our wayward spouse, but I think we're missing who they once were, not whom they are now.

For a long time, I agonized over what I'd do if my XWW ever wanted to return to me. (She never did.) I no longer agonize about that, though, because I don't know who she is. I don't want want to invest my time and effort into someone whom I don't know and who's demonstrated how risky she is.

How does change happen? Actions, Actions, Actions, are all...

"Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you." --Witold Gombrowicz (1904-1969), Polish writer

Blessings, LA

MidnightRun:

Will GW's pursuit of posom (he has control) help GW?

You didn't ask me; here's my take, anyway...

Secrets breed shame. The longer they're kept, the more they become you.

To me, the answer to your question is one of intent. If the purpose of exposure is revenge, it may or may not be useful.

However, if the purpose is to get out out of infidelity--out from under secrets and shame--then I think that is good. Having the bright light of truth shone on an affair helps the person who's been the recipient of such trauma, heal.

Blessings, LA

Will it help him?

For the next three weeks he's literally in limbo as legal proceedings take place.

THE NUMBER ONE ISSUE WITH BETRAYEDS IS EGO, WHICH FEEDS INTO EMPOWERMENT. He can either spend the next three weeks reading books or he can start throwing haymkers to anyone who thinks that they can push him around.

He's not blaming OM. The blame is solely on his wife. But the fact of the matter is if someone walks onto your front lawn and shits in the middle of it, what you do it walk up to him and punch him in the damn neck. HE REFUSES TO GET PUSHED AROUND!

Midnight,

Will GW's pursuit of posom (he has control) help GW?

Will it help get him out of infidelity? Eh, maybe. It'll certainly put pressure on the other side (the OM) to walk away from his WW. Will it help end the affair? IMO, it certainly won't hurt his chances any. Whether it does or not, GW has the option to take her back or not.

I must disagree with all of those that seem to think GW is obsessed with the OM. I don't see it. Is GW trying to fuck him over? Yep! And it took all of about 20 minutes to do it. There are consequences for your actions, and hopefully the shit will hit the fan. If we just ignore the revenge factor, ratting the OM out is the right thing to do from a National Security point alone. It is an interesting part of this story, but a lot of posters here are discussing it and making a bigger deal out of it than GW is.

I don't get the impression it's his main priority, if the OM goes down in flames, well, call it bonus points.

(GW, Sorry for talking about you like you're not in the room.)

It is my understanding that GW is now waiting on the lawyers and legal crap to get through the Chapter 13 so than can move forward with the divorce, because that was the order his lawyer advised. Legal stuff is so painfully slow.

Carry on GW!

[This message edited by twisted at 3:25 PM, September 15th (Friday)]

GW,

You've just heard from two of the most respected posters if this site, Sharkman and Twisted.

I rest my csse.

And I have taken it all in. I appreciate everyone here! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Long 36 hour plus duty weekend. Be nice to go into it with some news.

Or to come home to an emotional wreck because he's burned and dropped her.... lol consequences consequences.........

Most respected? Nobody knows how this is going to turn out, and I don't know about Sharkman, but I though we were all just winging it, Three Musketeers style. You know, one for all, all for one shit.

Twisted, I agree.

Diving into the weekend shift with a little clearer head. Hopeful for some news Monday afternoon . Can't help thinking if I'd come out stronger in the beginning it wouldn't have gotten this far. Can't take that back tho. Just kills me that she's walking around like nothing happened and still carrying on with this motherfucker. Almost like she thinks I'm cool with it. Nothing could be farther from reality