SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t have any issues with people divorcing. Infidelity is a terrible, traumatic thing and there is nothing that automatically demands that those that discover infidelity need to reconcile. So, I totally get it if your WW infidelity is enough for you to see divorce as the correct path out of infidelity. I TOTALLY GET THAT.

Heck. I personally walked out of the apartment once I saw my ex having sex with OM and maybe spent a maximum of 4 hours with her after that. I totally get the decision to end a relationship because of infidelity.

But…

I think a lot of your actions are more based on causing her pain, embarrassment and hardship rather than a direct wish to divorce. Directly opposite of what you post in your original post.

Like – since the affair is over and she no longer works there then why the exposure to former employee? What’s the goal there? I fully get exposure to OMW, but what’s the point other than revenge and degradation in exposing to the former employee? Your WW is doing this in the belief that she’s helping in reconciliation, a thing that you have already told the world (excluding her) isn’t going to take place.

Like how you talk about the children (the same kids you didn’t want…). You put having prime custody as a victory. It’s only a victory if it leads to the BEST solution for THEM. That might truly be the case, but I don’t see it in how you write. You sort-of combine the family-home, it’s ownership and finances with what’s best for the kids.

IMHO revenge really has little – if any – role in our path forwards out of infidelity.

If you have a clear overview of your assets, have a pre-nup in place and a good attorney, then simply file and start the process. Let your WW know. Seek a fair resolution based on the laws and regulations in your country.

[This message edited by Bigger at 10:27 AM, June 21st (Wednesday)]

Wow,ohforanewme. Nice work on getting out of infidelity! When you have the chance lookup YHGTBKM and his thread "Hindsight". You will relate well with his story as he also is an exec with similar clear headed determination to get out of infidelity. He also setup his STBXW for post D on a settlement she can't really complain about while taking good care of his child.

Also, you are so right about seeing an attorney first and foremost either R or D for the newly betrayed.

I see ohforanewme's actions since his first post on 6/15 as bringing closure to all his open issues. And he is doing remarkably well in taking swift action to do so.

Instead of "revenge and degradation" I see ohforanewme taking steps to close this chapter of his life through his wife's participation in the "complete rehabilitation of the destruction that was wrought". Rehabilitation to the extent possible.

Her confession to the previous employer was to "right the wrong done" to the previous employer and to try to gain access to communicate to the OBS.

It turns out that a natural consequence of that action is that the company is going to conduct a disciplinary hearing against the OM.

Her confession gained her an indemnification against the retroactive penalty they had the ability to levy in return for her testimony.

What was foremost in her mind when she agreed? Likely reconciliation. Was it also to balance her own scales of justice? She voluntarily changed employment, the OM walked away with no consequence. Was it also helping ohforeanewme heal? Was it also her trying to atone for what she has done? Healing needs to happens whether R or D. Atonement should happen whether R or D.

Is the problem that the timing of this exposure suggests manipulation, lying by omission? We only have ohforanewme's posts to go on. I see him as bringing closure to issues that allow him to move forward. I don't see posts indicating a desire to inflict pain or degradation on his wife.

I see ohforanewme balancing the scales, in a very short timeframe, for the "rape and murder" of his marriage. He is doing it in a measured, non reactionary way. D-day was about a year ago, followed by 9 months of R, then an epiphany that R was not possible for him. Had he gone scorched earth at the beginning it would have been an intense emotional reaction. Not now though.

Children remaining in the family home is a pretty universal goal for their well being. An anchor of familiarity to home, school and social circle as ohforanewme points out. His ability to provide that, while giving his wife the softest of landings is commendable. Her softest of landings will allow her to parent her children in the best way possible, free from economic worry, free from substandard housing.

Finally,

Like how you talk about the children (the same kids you didn’t want…).

This characterization is taken out of context. Here is ohforanewme's post:

We had actually spoken about it and agreed that neither of us had any desire to have children, until , one day my wife’s body clock kicked in and she came home saying “I want a baby!” She interpreted my utter shock as opposition to the idea and a small, explosive fight ensued until I could convince her that it was merely shock and that I was thrilled with the idea DD was born in 2001. It was one of the happiest weeks of my life. WW stayed in hospital for as long as she could get insurance to allow it. Everything was done for her and the baby, all she had to do was enjoy our new treasure. DS was born in 2006. Again a week etched in my memory as sheer joy.

I wish all the best to ohforanewme. Even his wife. So the children can be loved and parented in the best way possible by both of them.

Ohfor, it sounds like you have things well in-hand and you are moving forward. I admire your conviction and hope everything works out to your satisfaction.

One other general comment regarding conflicting advice; take what you find value in and leave the rest.

Timeliessloss, thank you for caring enough to make the effort to get to understand what I am sharing, feeling and hoping for. Thank you for the empathy that has allowed you to explain this in such a caring and delicate way.

Bigger, thank you for your concern for my WW and my children. I love my family very much and it is comforting to know that others also have their best interests at heart. I think that you might have miss understood some of what I have shared and what I am attempting in order to be able to take all of us, my WW included, to a better place, but I will have to put that off for now. I just don’t have any reserve of mental energy or emotional capacity left at this point in time.

After the jubilation of yesterday, the emotional pendulum has swung completely to the other side.

Late yesterday afternoon Security BU CEO gave me a visit. I had retrieved a copy of WW's email to ex-employer. Clearly, in the confession and accusation she had to fully identify OM. It had his full name, position, division and office he worked in. Using this Security BU was able to get everything that I could ever have wanted to know.

Firstly then, just the cold hard numbers.

He is 6 years older than me. He has a 3 year undergraduate marketing degree. He is one position grade below WW (she is continental brand manager, he is country brand manager). He makes a bit more than her a year but that is due to country cost of living adjustment and not position grade. I still make nearly 5 times what he does and that is before bonuses and stock options. He has been with the company for over a decade, in the same position all along. As we know, he is married.

They live in a non-descript home in one of the large Canadian Metropoles (won’t say which to protect privacy). I have all address details and have viewed on Google street view.

OBS is 50. She works as a receptionist at a dental practice. They have been married for 26 years and have one child, a daughter of 20. Know nothing more about her.

Have all contact details for OBS. Home, work and cell number as well as email address.

And then we get to the gut wrenching part.

Neither WW nor I are on FB or any other social media for that matter. Always saw it as a privacy risk, so I have never thought of trying to find out what OBM looked like.

Then Security BU CEO asked me if I would like to see any photos of OBM and family.

You might remember that in an earlier post I mentioned that I kept any image that I had of OBM to a misty, featureless, android figure. When Security BU CEO asked me if I wanted to see the photos, I allowed my mental image of him emerge from the mist of my mind and (please don't fall down laughing), I had conjured an image of him as the blue character in Power Ranges. Featureless but young, lithe, well-built and agile.

Well, the reality was quite different. He looks quite a bit taller than me, I am 5/9 in imperial measurements so it is quite easy to be taller than me, but for the rest, he has a paunch, is balding and has slightly stooped shoulders. A rather bland man. If you were a director of a film and you needed to cast Mr Nobody, he would be the perfect cast. Also, and I hope this does not come across too harsh and seem judgmental, but he has that look and features of someone who has had alcohol as a very close friend, for a very long time. I am sure that all of you will instantly be able to conjure up in your mind a picture of what I am saying. Please don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that he is a hard drinker or an alcoholic. It is just he has the look of one.

MC2 said that I should never try and make comparisons, but how can one not.

I am in way better shape than him. I am a graduate professional engineer. I have 3 post graduate qualifications at master’s level. I have lectured at the part time post graduate schools of 2 prestigious universities. I have started 3 businesses from scratch and built them to be successful enough to be sold off. The most recent was acquired by my current employer and I was asked to stay on and build a new division, which in just 3 years is thriving.

I have served as chairman on school boards. Represented the profession on various bodies. I am well-travelled, both privately as well as through business. We have enjoyed Broadway productions, the London West End and concerts in Vienna.

But when WW wants sophisticated late nigh conversation and spectacular sex she has to go to paunchy, balding Mr Nobody. Hell, I must be a boring sexual incompetent.

So now, because HE IS paunchy, balding Mr Nobody, MY self-esteem is smashed to bits again. Lying broken on the floor.

But then the real gut wrenching stuff.

WW grew up in a home with an alcoholic father. We made a pact. We would never touch the stuff. She because she was afraid that it might unlock an inherited addictive personality, I because I made a promise never to allow her to feel that terror ever again. Since our marriage I have not had a single drop, and believed the same of her (but who knows now?).

But when WW chooses to prioritise someone else as her target for love over me and the children, she chooses someone with the face of her tormentor.

I wish that some WW could just share with me how the logic of their A works.

IF ONLY ONE, JUST ONE, WW COULD LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME HONESTLY THAT THEIR EXPERIENCE OF THE A WAS SO AMAZING THAT IT EASILY OUTWEIGHED ITS COST. IF ONLY. JUST ONE PLEASE!

You may have noticed that I don’t swear but this is F*cled up. It F*cks with my head.

Maybe a bit of overshare, me thinks?

Ok, I will shut up now and climb into my safe, warm, dark hole. Time to fire up IC again.

I can tell you how the logic works.

She is so broken and selfish that a 'want' of hers is more important than a 'need' of yours.

That's all you need to focus on. Not everyone is broken. By divorcing you're clearly saying that it is not your job to fix that mess.

You'll find someone who is not broken. It may take a bit, but you will have fun finding this person.

Sharkman said it concisely.

It is like asking an alcoholic why they just don't stop. All WW's are broken. Some are broken far beyond logical choices and answers. There is no rational answer. There is no logic. It is a futile yearning to know "why". Reasonable, rational, logic, sound judgement are not attributes that they possess. Your wife's filters were dreadfully broken and likely for years.

As you move on to a new and healthier life, you will make some peace with yourself when you accept that she is like that alcoholic that sees the train wreck coming in that next drink, but can do nothing other than take it anyway. You don't have to fix her, you have that right to escape from the drama and toxic day to day torment. She will have to fix herself.

As Sharkman said:

She is so broken and selfish that a 'want' of hers is more important than a 'need' of yours. That's all you need to focus on.

From your description it sounds lime she let her Daddy issues get the best of her. A older guy with a gin blossom nose perhaps? Sagging eyes and a hollow pallor? Probably not unlike her Dad I would guess.

It is of small comfort right now but try to remember this. Her horrible choice of AP does not really reflect on you. It is, instead, a reflection on her. Her complete lack of moral integrity, decency, and of course taste. He is a visual representation of her character. A window into a mind with no standards. And it is not a pretty view.

Once she finds out that you have seen the man she threw it all away for, if she has any capacity for introspection, she should be utterly embarrassed and ashamed.

So not to sound trite, but chin up. There is a world full of quality women out there. And you my friend are a catch. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. And I am sure everyone her is looking forward to reports of your new found confidence in the future.

No, no, no, sir!

I'm farther out than you, so I have had a lot longer to process all this. You are not there yet, but you will be. For right now, you feel less-than this paunchy nobody, but that is incorrect.

My WH's AP is a bloated heavy drinker, 2 years younger than I, but with the sun damage, she appears older and has a lot of suspicious moles. I suppose she could be called attractive, but that's mostly the over-grooming talking. Hose her off and you have a nondescript woman with corporate hair, too-close together eyes giving her a rat-like appearance, and a thick, untoned body.

I look like an aging but still lovely queen out of Tolkien who is also a pilates and yoga instructor (because I am). I am respected in my work, loved in my church community, and cherished by my extended family members. I raised two outstanding people, and our kids' friends call me Mama SilverStar because I have been there for any young person who needs a meal, a bed, a reference, or a listening ear. I seek to leave the world a better place than I found it, to the glory of God.

These OPs have nothing on us. We are the prize, and the total package. Unfortunately, this is the best our WSs could do. Understand? They couldn't get anyone better to play a role in their little fantasies where they are the STAR. They settled. You are a lion. These POSOMs are hyenas scavenging in your leftovers. Focus on that image until you know it in your marrow.

Ain't that the truth!!! ^^^^^

Solid gold stuff from Shark, DIFM, Ramius, and Silver. Tape this on your mirror:

You are a lion

.

Cheaters are selfish. She would cheat no matter what. I read enough and often people affair down. She wanted to cheat and it was easy for her to find someone. See how she went from OM1 to OM2! She was living a double life. You were her safety,someone who will look after the kids,her mother,house and OMs were fantasy,fun...

Focus on yourself and your kids. Best wishes to you.

So often, the wayward doesn't actually desire the AP...they desire the way the AP makes them feel about themselves. So many BS's are shocked by the appearance of the AP. but you see - it has nothing to do with the AP. They feed the gaping hole inside the wayward with ego kibbles. The WS feels like a super model because both AP's feed off the endorphins of infatuation.

My H's OW was very attractive. Surgically enhanced. A decade younger. I wish she was a dog. See? It doesn't matter what they look like - it plays havoc with our self esteem no matter what.

"WW grew up in a home with an alcoholic father"

Not sure if you have had the time, but I would research this. Children of alcoholics tend to have similar issues, and if you researched them you might find her affairs, and her thought process, is very much governed by the experience.

Please do not compare yourself to this paunchy ass. It would have hurt just as badly if he had of looked like Adonis. They go for what they can get and it doesn't matter as long as the AP feeds them the ego kibbles.

OW had nothing on me either. I compared her to a bird face and an out of shape body. All I could think of was he had me, why would he want her? Was I that bad? Then after much research and soul searching, I concluded that no she wasn't better in anyway than I was and had no morals or integrity to boot. They were a match made in hell and deserved each other. I on the other hand deserved more than what he could ever give me and have found a nice SO to replace his sorry ass.

So, don't get hung up on his looks. Whether he is good looking or a dog, he is still a nasty POS. You on the other hand are a great catch for the right person.

Yesterday was a bad day. I had felt that after having such clarity on my decision that I all of those would now be behind me. Guess that there might be a few more to come. I did spend some time in my safe, warm, dark place. Previously, after a day like that, I would have been there for 3 or 4 days, but yesterday, while part of me just wanted to stay there and wallow in my misery, another part just longed to be part of the SI community. I stuck my head out just to connect again. The support was so amazing I picked myself up, dusted myself of and got busy again.

You cannot believe how appropriate the lion and hyena analogy is to me. One of the great things about living in Africa is the easy access to vast, expansive game reserves and great game lodges. Some of you will have seen a Utube post by Arnold Schwarzenegger, of him on a safari vehicle being chased by an elephant. That lodge is less than 2 hours drive from our home and the family spends a week in December every year there (our summer holiday)

When you see a hyena in the wild you instantly understand where the characterisation comes from. They are despicable creatures. Shaggy and dirty. Shoulders slumped, head down. Always lurking in the shadows. Furtive glances left to right. As if they are always busy with some sleazy deal and terrified of being caught. Never man enough to face up to the consequences if they are. They are incapable of achieving anything and only survive on the success of others.

The comparison with the male lion is stark! Until you have seen the effect that a male lion, standing up from his rest under an African Thorn tree and stretching to his full height, has on the entire plain around him you can never imagine what it is like. None of the grazing animals run or flee. They stand, mesmerised, the warthog babies cowering behind their mothers. Every animal is frozen and only their eyes follow him. As if they are paying homage to him. The male lion provides for his family’s every need and want. Only when they are all fully satisfied will he lead his family off.

It is then that the Hyena slinks out of the shadows to feed on the scraps of rotting remains that he shares with flies and maggots. Yip POSOM got to gorge himself on the rotting remains of the carcass of my marriage but it was always slinking in the shadows of dimly lit hotel rooms. He never got, to in the bright sunlight of the outdoors, enjoy the very best of my marriage and that is my two beautiful children. He never got to spend a moment with them and never will.

So I printed out two large statements. “I am a Lion”. I did not put them on my mirror. Was not quite sure how I would explain that to WW, but I have one on the sun visor of my car and one on the door to my office. So far had only one query about what it was about. My answer, “Isn’t it obvious?” That seemed to suffice. I think it is rather, bloody obvious.

After dusting myself off I got back to the matter at hand.

After father’s day and yesterday I recognise the need to get this done now. Have decided that I will do it next Friday evening.

Gladfor gave me insight into some possible responses that I had not considered. I want to make sure that the kids are not in the home when we have the conversation. I also want to ensure that WW and have sufficient time to discuss and agree on the conversation with the kids. I anticipate WW will climb aboard her own rollercoaster after I tell her about my decision to D and want her to get to a point where we can discuss rationally. No way to know how long this will take but I have to work within the parameters that I have.

Schools here break up (our way of saying the vacation starts) for the winter break next week Wednesday. My Brother and his family are flying out from the UK at the end of next week for a family vacation at one of our tropical coastal cities where the weather is still great at this time of year. He always books a magnificent suite. It is a penthouse suite with multiple bedrooms and bathrooms and its own infinity pool overlooking the warm Indian Ocean.

I called and asked if my kids could join them for a week. I mentioned that it was around this time last year that Gran passed away and that I wanted to try and protect them from possible sadness of that memory. He was thrilled at the prospect of his kids having company for part of the holiday. I asked him to be particularly vigilant in monitoring my kid’s emotions, saying that the memory of Gran might trigger something, and to contact me the minute if he spots anything off. We have told absolutely nobody other than WW’s small circle of closest friends about WW’s A and brother does not know and I don’t want to tell him now, but I need to be covered in case WW goes rogue and calls the kids with “your dad is divorcing me”. I think there is little likelihood of this as she is a very cool and collected cucumber (as I am finding our more and more). But no one can ever know what emotion does. If that happens I will be on a plane and with the kids in 2 hours.

I have called the agent on the closest Townhouse and told him not to renew the current lease or look for alternative tenants. (Although it is in WW’s name, I have managed all business aspects on is so far).

I have booked a room for a month at a nearby hotel.

I have arranged for movers to fetch all the stuff from Gran’s place mid next week and store it until the beginning of August. There is no going back on this and I want WW to see the reality of that.

I have some time with Atr again next Tuesday to finalise the settlement, and will include the elements of the good advice given to me here.

Still quite a bit more that I need to do but I am again, firmly moving forward to my new and better future

You guys have helped me become far better at observing things. Standing back and getting a broader view, together with a longer historical perspective.

Yesterday was a bad one. I went to work but was physically ill and had to leave early. WW either didn’t notice or didn’t really care. Reflecting on this, it was not a new attitude. Was often the case. I recognise that I loved this woman so much that I would never allow myself to see fault. Just take it as if that is the way it should be and accommodate to fill the gaps.

Also, I made the decision that the kids would join my brother and family for the holiday. I called and made the arrangements. I booked the flight tickets. When WW got home I just informed her and she said “good idea”. Should this not have been something that parents discuss and plan together? I recognise that I have been “single parenting” for a very long time now. I have been rather blind to a lot more than just an A.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 4:23 AM, June 23rd (Friday)]

Bigger, it seems like you are processing and thinking through this well. I commend you for that as I’ve seen people with the emotional rollercoaster not able and articulate and think through clearly which speaks maturity on your part.

I have to agree with @Sanibelredfish that it will be good for you to work with what you have, and leave the rest to God! I think getting caught up on the unknown can drive people crazy and can drive us in a downward spiral of anxiety and depression for many.

Praying for you my friend.

I've been here awhile, and while I don't know everything - I've picked up a lot in my 5 years of lurking/membership.

1. We BS's love a story of vindication. It's like we live vicariously through new BS's giving it to their waywards. It's the same way everyone's heart beats out of their chest in that scene from Braveheart when Mel Gibson - his face painted white and blue bellows "VICTORY!!!"

2. Bigger is right soooo often - that I'd bet on him every time.

So....be wary of those cheering you on - they might be projecting what they wished they'd done (I've done it! I get it and I'm not judging) but that "support" might not be in YOUR best interest.

Secondly - Go back and read Bigger's post. Give it a bit more consideration. He's been here forever, has been out of infidelity for just as long and he's healed beyond projection and the need for justice and vindication. He's the voice of reason. Granted - that doesn't always make him much fun in these situations but like I said - he's seldom wrong.

[This message edited by sassylee at 5:40 AM, June 23rd (Friday)]

Hi Bigger (and Sassylee)

Yesterday I promised to try and express myself a little clearer when I had a little more emotional strength.

I love my kids. I have loved them from my very first sight of DD on the scan at 18 weeks. From the very minute that it was possible she and I would do regular “Dad and Daughter Days” that were just our exclusive bonding times. She and I have done things like “chased a total solar eclipse”, camping out together with all the other crazies that do it. The regular D&D days are still a highlight of her annual calendar. The same goes for DS. DS and I have done many fun things such as “Just the boys” road trip from Atlanta, down through Orlando to Kennedy Space centre, in a Mustang (his dream car until this year when it has been replaced by the WV Golf R. Have booked one of those through a hire company for his birthday in September this year), and several in our own country. WW has never suggested or asked that they do this with her. For 9 years I have been a caring, single parent to them for at the very least 2 months of every year. I have never put my interests above theirs or placed their happy, secure family at risk. I truly believe that their best interests will be served by me being the parent with principle custody. I am confident that this will be the wish of my 2 precious people when the court asks them what their wish will be.

In terms of being vindictive against my wife. Please let my actions speak louder than my anguish, influenced words. When I met with Atr earlier this week he presented me with the legal opinion of a Silk (Senior Counsel, not sure what the US equivalent would be. Essentially the best and most senior legal mind in a specific field of the law) that he had obtained for me. The Silk advised that, based on the hard evidence presented in the case documents, the most probable decision of a court would be to award me sole custody, with only supervised visits because, WW demonstrable actions, over an extended period of time, could be seen to place the children, especially DD, at considerable risk. My view is that this would inflict terrible hurt on both WW and the children and that is why I have asked that it not be included in a proposed settlement and if this goes to court I would be prepared to testify against it. If I wanted revenge of any sort would I not use this most effective of all tools to inflict that hurt?

I have not broadcast to the whole world my intention to D. Other than the professionals who provided me with care and counselling, I have not told a single soul about WW’s A. I have lived through the hell on my own. The only ones that I have now confided my decision to are my new, anonymous friends on this forum. Most of whom are half way around the world and will never meet or get to know my WW. They can never gloat or giggle behind her back.

In terms of informing the employer, the principal objective was for me to be able to obtain the contact details of OBS2. Through recognising how much I would have appreciated it if OBS1 had made the effort to inform me when she found out I felt deep guilt that I had made no effort whatsoever to show this respect to OBS2. I do however believe that part of correcting a wrong is putting right everything that can possibly be put right. Her action was a clear contravention of one of the core elements of the company code of conduct.

Having said this, I am human and I have found great pleasure in the thought that AP2 might suffer as a consequence of the disciplinary. I am not proud of it, but I still feel it. Sitting here, now. I cherish the prospect. With life’s experience I know that there will not be the sense of comfortable justification if it happens and I will feel remorse at the outcome but even knowing that, right now I have this burning desire to hurt him as deeply as I possibly can.

When I saw pictures of AP2 I was also shown pictures of OBS2. She is a lovely, gentle, motherly looking woman. I already feel horrible for her for the awful hurt she is going to feel but I recognise that even in WW confessing to ex employer, the hurt to her is not of my making. It is the consequence of the awful, conscious decision of the POS.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 6:46 AM, June 23rd (Friday)]

My friend I dont even know you but I have a huge respect for you just from reading your posts and how you deal with this. Your kids are happy and once they grow up,married,have kids they will pay you back,trust me on this one.

You need to expose your wife.This is not "revenge" on her but for example when you tell your brother what is going on he will be there for you and help you heal. Just having someone to talk about it,someone who will listen to you and maybe give a good advice is huge.

I really wish you the best. You are a good man.

PS. I like how you described lion and hyena but I think hyena was your wife not the OMs.