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The wife has been acting weird lately. I spent the weekend fishing with her father and her brother. She bends over backwards to please her family of origin -- there is NO CHANCE I would have been "allowed" to go fishing with my buddies on Mother's Day weekend... but her family? Sure... whatever they want.

When I returned, things were... I don't know... distant? Otherwise, okay.

Last evening, I noticed that she had been rummaging around in our safe. The safe doesn't contain much of value, mostly stuff that we don't want the kids to see... mostly sex-related stuff and my marijuana stash. I have been keeping an eye on where things are because she would use items in the safe as props for her videos that she to AP.

So we had a minor argument last night. She claims to be annoyed about my pot use, something that she has said is no big deal for more than a year. To be clear, I am never "wasted" and I am never high around the kids and I never let the pot interfere with my responsibilities (I get high at night, after the kids are in bed... basically, I get high... we watch some TV... and then go to bed).

The argument continued at 4:30am... she has been texting me today. And here is the vent... she texted this:

I wish you would believe me when I say I love you.

My standard response to that:

Love is an action. It's something you do. You have NOT loved me.

Let me just say re: her pot feelings. My husband has smoked marijuana our entire marriage. You can't tell he's stoned. He functions completely normal on it. I have no reason to dislike his use - except for the fact he uses. In my mind - "normal" healthy adults don't smoke weed regularily. I've since come to learn that a surprising number of "normal" people smoke pot. It's a preconceived notion I had growing up that I'm trying to work around. I felt the same about video games. I thought it was just my H and was embarrassed that he still played...come to find out it's "normal".

So why do you think she was in the safe?

So a bit more for a full explanation:

If I have something approaching a "trigger", it is when I travel. She started taking a bunch of sexy/porngraphic pictures starting in January 2016 for AP. She took these photos almost exclusively while I was traveling. And, she had sex with AP while I was traveling.

I doubt that she can tell when I am stoned either. I probably giggle a little more and I eat more popsicles (marijuana triggers my sweet tooth plus gives me dry mouth... popsicles resolve both issues). I have 'tested' her before and she doesn't really have a clue (I eat popsicles when sober too).

Her mother tries to control her father and I think that she does that to me. She has complained at times that I try and control her, which I don't agree with. I have asked that she not go out with her friends on consecutive nights but that's about it. I think her primary issue with the pot is that it's not within her control. I will say that it is within my control. For example, when I was gone this weekend... I didn't bring any with me.

TMI WARNING TMI WARNING TMI WARNING

She also used to lie about whether or not she had an orgasm during sex. She had claimed that she had an orgasm almost every time that we had sex, but since D-day... she says that it is about half of the time. I am okay with that, but the lie bothers me. Anyway, we had sex yesterday morning and I was concerned that she was digging in the safe so that she could use her sex toys for masturbation. I don't care if she masturbates (in fact, it's a turn on for me), but I was paranoid about the potential for another lie (she claimed that she had an orgasm yesterday morning) and perhaps another photo session.

I wish you would believe me when I say I love you.

It might be easier to believe her if she hadn't had an A, and is rummaging around in the safe for reasons unknown.

Honestly, that would get my spidey sense tingling...it might be a good idea to stop using the weed for a while.

I'm not sure I would trust her with anything just yet, especially the knowledge that you're using weed. (unless its legal where you live).

But that's just me...

Weed isn't legal where I live but it is decriminalized. The worst that the local police can do is give me a citation akin to a parking ticket. According to the police blotter, the cops rarely even issue the citation unless another law is being broken (like driving while high).

Theoretically, the federal government could arrest me, but I have a feeling that the feds would go to Colorado, Washington, Oregon, etc. first if they wanted to catch people smoking pot.

Anyway, I don't have much to worry about with my wife regarding the legalities of pot use. She occasionally gets high with me.

Curiously, if I drink everyday...am I an alcoholic? I would say yes. So I don't drink everyday. I can go months without drinking. I sure am sad about it because I love it. So I make myself go without. Especially since discovering the affair. I didn't like to see that I was turning into a person who missed her champagne glass. I said no more.

My husband thinks I can't tell the difference either in regards to his drinking. I absolutely can. Because he is more mellow, which isn't a bad thing for his personality.

IMO her being bothered by pot should bother you. She is feeling uncomfortable about it.

Family is different than friends. Just saying.

Curiously, if I drink everyday...am I an alcoholic? I would say yes.

I'd say: it depends. If you have a single glass of wine every day, then no... you aren't an alcoholic.

The fact that she expressed concerns about my marijuana use is of concern to me. The fact that she has repeatedly told me that it isn't a problem until last night concerns me too.

To be honest, I am using the marijuana as a crutch somewhat. When my depression went completely haywire in December, it was a night when I did not get high. I am certain that I would have behaved better if I wasn't sober. I don't think that I have anything to worry about anymore (the antidepressants work very well), but I was scared of myself that night.

I have already planned on backing off lately, which is the major reason why I didn't get high this weekend. Her father and brother drank a ton of alcohol (I drink very little) and I would have fit in just fine if I was stoned.

On her statement.... words and actions match all the time. All. The. Time.

I left out my response to her comment. It was:

You realize that you have 95% of the responsibility for that, right? Actions and words have consequences. Imagine how your actions and words make me feel.

Don't your curtains smell like doob?

My husband thinks I can't tell the difference either in regards to his drinking. I absolutely can. Because he is more mellow, which isn't a bad thing for his personality.

I have joked that my wife prefers me when I am stoned. I am pretty intense. That intensity takes a toll on me... that is the attraction of marijuana.... I get a short vacation from being me.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 12:55 PM, May 16th (Tuesday)]

Don't your curtains smell like doob?

No.

I don't actually smoke pot anymore.... and when I did, I smoked outside. These days, I use a dry vaporizer... it heats the weed so that the psychoactive compounds sublimate (i.e., transition from solid to gas) without combustion.

The odor is reduced substantially... I'd guess by 95% or more. My guess is that you can't smell it unless you are within 15 feet of me and I am actively vaping. The odor is also that of hot/fresh weed, not weed smoke.

edited to add: We don't have curtains. We have blinds.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 1:02 PM, May 16th (Tuesday)]

Well, you can tell who's from Colorado. I didn't give much thought at all to the pot issue. I smoke a little most nights, as recommended by my IC when I was dealing with insomnia. I have never seen anyone who suffered ill effects from it, unlike alcohol. (But you are wrong if you think people can't smell your Pax)

[This message edited by redfury at 1:16 PM, May 16th (Tuesday)]

I smoke a little most nights, as recommended by my IC when I was dealing with insomnia.

This is actually my biggest 'concern' with it. On the nights when I don't get high, it's more difficult to fall asleep.

(But you are wrong if you think people can't smell your Pax)

They can smell it but it is not as strong... it is also a different odor that I don't think most people would easily recognize as pot.

I guess I'd be concerned that something she has said in the past doesn't bother her now does. That is the kind of thing that happens as a way to justify an A.

Is that what is bothering you?

It is bothering me that she has lied to me throughout our relationship and now she is complaining that I don't trust her. That is what is bothering me.

Barcher

She's digging, per other posts, for your divorce papers that she thinks you have. She doesn't think you're staying and thus cannot commit fully. Doesn't matter this isn't true.

Rest is just a smoke screen I suspect. (See that? ) ... My take at least....

So, bloody clear that up.

Give her enuff confidence to commit some more. She's very insecure you've noted before. She may need his from you. You're withholding being more definite with her in this, although you've said no you're not leaving before, for reasons you've been coy on. Maybe it's time for some clarity?

My 23p -- IDK

[This message edited by idontknow123 at 3:21 PM, May 16th (Tuesday)]

You are smart! (I don't know)

She's digging, per other posts, for your divorce papers that she thinks you have.

That's a real possibility. Wow. I hadn't thought of that.

I have not been coy, ever, in my life. But, that doesn't mean that you are wrong.

p.s. I am a little disappointed that she thinks that I would hide divorce papers in the most obvious of locations. Bummer.