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I need help calming down. Okay one of my many unexpected consequences of cheating involves our teenage daughter (she will be 15 in Oct). BH is projecting his pain and my cheating onto her. Because of me (he told me this himself) she's not allowed to watch ANY shows that have references to sex in it. He throws her a crumb every once in a while but is VERY angry about it. She can't read ANY book that has sex in it, which is pretty much all of them since she wants to read young adult romance novels.

So she nags him into letting her read the book Everything Everything if I read it first marking the pages that had sex so he could make the final decision. After a tense, stress filled evening he tore out 3 chapters didn't just sharpie out the lines. It gets worse he snapped at her for liking these books. He snaps at her for wanting to watch shows like yeah Grey's Anatomy. I know I know. Blames her taste in books/tv shows on me. I walked out of the room.....I've already agreed to do whatever he wants - not going to sit and be berated again for a subject that has been discussed 1,000 times at least.

I'm angry today about this. Part of it is I'm tired (that's for another post). Any suggestions on how to calm down before BH gets home?

[This message edited by isuck at 2:13 PM, April 27th (Thursday)]

Have you guys started family counseling?

If I remember correctly, I was reading books with sexual scenes when I was 13-14. My mom didn't know and wouldn't have been ok if she had known.

One of the things we're experiencing wirh our nephew - who is almost 11 - is the extremely different parental thoughts about what is age appropriate. My mom had been letting nephew watch R movies and movies with drugs/sex references since he was like 6 or 7. I found this fairly horrifying. It's been something husband and I have been trying to figure out since getting nephew - What are our boundaries? And making sure we're on same page. If either disagrees, we discuss if there is a compromise. If not, we don't let him access it. None of infidelity is has been tied to any infidelity. Just our thoughts on how this type of media is framing his understanding of relstionships, media, police, social interactions.

[This message edited by Lark at 2:22 PM, April 27th (Thursday)]

You are asking, in some ways, a personal question about whether it is appropriate for your daughter to read and/or be exposed to sexual situations. I am not going to comment on that.

It is, however, really inappropriate for your husband to vent at your daughter. Have you told him to stop? Is he in therapy?

That needs to stop no matter what.

How was he with your DD pre-A?

I'm on my phone so quoting is impossible. We are both in IC. Family or MC has not been done. Our youngest daughter (11) got involved because she tried to defend her sister and BH snapped at her too. I was hiding in the bedroom but heard about it later.

Missesjai my daughter was 10 at the d-day so this wasn't an issue back then. BH worked all the time so I made most of the parenting decisions. That has changed during R.

You are hiding while your daughter is being abused?

I've been a teenage daughter. My parents had rules. My father was more strict about things we viewed. However he did leave it up to my mother.

I do not believe it's the issue of not wanting your daughter exposed to sex. the problem is the manner in which he prohibits it.

But hiding in the bathroom. You still put yourself first. You put yourself before your girls when you cheated. And now you hide in the bathroom.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 4:09 PM, April 27th (Thursday)]

Okay let me clarify. Me walking away actually diffused the situation because it was me he was mad at not her. He snapped at her, I left the room, he followed me. The thing with our other daughter happened earlier that afternoon when I wouldn't take our oldest daughter to the bookstore. I stopped taking her to get books because there aren't books there that meet his criteria that she'll read. Waste of time so she asked him. It's a whole big shitty mess.

This is not good. He has got to get a handle on his triggers. I think the time for family counseling has come. This cannot continue.

isuck,

I agree on family counselling.

I might add that I live in a "this is not a problem but an opportunity" mindset. Thus, is this an opportunity for your H to:

A. be part of his daughters life and growing up - it's gonna happen regardless.

B. be a real part of how she learns and discovers love from the wide range of sources we get bombarded with messages about it.

If, big if I suspect, he can through IC or family counselling, be made to see that his constructive discussion and input, and, yes (not extreme) guidelines, with daughter could make him a huge part of her adolescence, this could be an opportunity for him (and you and your family).

Sadly, to do that, he has to not project his anger from you to her. But, maybe it's another approach or view point on which to approach him.

Rather than saying "don't abuse our daughter like this" say "can we work together so this is a big opportunity for you to be a big part of her life and a role model?".

best wishes - IDK

[This message edited by idontknow123 at 5:20 PM, April 27th (Thursday)]

This is bigger than what books each of you thinks is appropriate. It is about your coparenting with him and his relationship with the kids.

Thank you for clarifying. I hope you both can work things out.

isuck, I can relate to the parenting not matching up. What do you do? This for me is just another reason why we aren't compatible.

I guess if I were in a situation where I were working it out..R and stuff..communication ya know? Get to the bottom of it. Let your daughter have a voice.

I just had a serious blow up here over my sons choice of music. My H wants to criticize him for listening to Chill Bill...yet my H grew up on White Zombie's La Sexorcisto

At some point our kids have to find their individuality, their interests, and whatnot. Not saying we shouldn't monitor them, have talks..

Deep breaths isuck. Talk it out with him. Protect your girls.

ETA: I kinda feel the need to add some more. Because, this blow I was talking about in my household..

My DS and I were actually having a good time, he said mom play me your favorite song, so I pulled it up on youtube, video and all, we were laughing, bobbing our heads. Right when it was his turn to play his favorite song, H pulled in the driveway and DS said never mind mom he's home. like WTF??? No, I said, play it any way it's okay.

We should never feel like it's our job to protect our kids from the other parent. Like, on what Earth is that okay????

You guys are far enough out where working on the dynamic and voicing your concerns is totally acceptable. Demands even. It's time to work on making you guys a healthy duo. And I hope you feel confident enough to pursue this.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 6:52 PM, April 27th (Thursday)]

I would have to agree with the others. I would try counseling. Just you and him.

At least your DD wants to read. My 10 yr old loves to read and I think it is one of the greatest things about her. God knows at that age I wasn't into it. If we are talking about age appropriate books that bring up sex I mean it is part of life. Withholding it just makes it more like a forbidden fruit.

My DD likes some older books more recently I Am Malala, which isn't sex related but definitely it is out of probably what a 10 yr old should be reading. It is about a Muslim girl that gets shot trying to goto school. She does also read some books where the main characters have boyfriends etc. She watches modern family and some other shows that are probably to old for her to be watching.

The dynamic of a relationship between a daughter and her father is so huge and it would be unfortunate to have this effect her future relationships.

I am more of a mama bear than anything else and I know you are probably the same way and want to minimize the damage.

Hopefully he will agree to some type of counseling because I do not think the current situation is healthy.

Sending hugs and support.

She can't read ANY book that has sex in it, which is pretty much all of them since she wants to read young adult romance novels.

I'm confused. This is the type of literature that targets 14 year olds?

I'll respond to the posts tomorrow when I can quote. Good news though I did calm down. Helps to write this out.

itsme in young adult you have science fiction, horror, humor and romance. Some romances have just kissing but most of the better, best sellers include at least one sexual encounter. It's written as vague as possible but yeah it's there. It annoys me because the stories are good without it.

foreverlabeled it's like that at my house too. Kids want me to see their favorite you tube videos or hear songs they like but they won't do it if BH is home.

I feel absolutely terrible because this is my fault. The sex stuff in books, shows and music triggers him because of what I did. Add in a teenage girl and life becomes a bit of a land mine.

Playing a bit of devil's advocate, but if the kids are hiding stuff from him, and I'm sure he knows you think he's too extreme even if you haven't said so - it's going to make the dynamic that much harder. Because it isn't you and him as a team. It's him separated out from everyone.

Which is why I think mc and fc need to be priorities.

I think you really need some kind of family counselling. Seemed like a lot of resentment and disconnect going on between your husband, you and your children.

Side Note: I wish at 15 my daughter was just sneaking around reading romance novels, even with some sex scenes. Instead, she got pregnant a few months before her 16th birthday.

Want to answer everyone but ugh it's a busy day.

Playing a bit of devil's advocate, but if the kids are hiding stuff from him, and I'm sure he knows you think he's too extreme even if you haven't said so - it's going to make the dynamic that much harder. Because it isn't you and him as a team. It's him separated out from everyone.

Which is why I think mc and fc need to be priorities.

They are hiding stuff from him yes. I have told him that I think he's too extreme yes. He agrees with you in the sense that I am making the dynamic much harder. It's all MY fault. A few weeks ago he said to me something like "how can you not see how WRONG you are?"

I realized what my trigger for anger was yesterday. Okay he has seen 3 therapists since d-day but recently admitted he only went to placate me. Secretly he believed I should fix everything since I made this mess. A few weeks ago he realized that even if I wanted to I can't heal him so now he's committed to therapy. He's even seeing a sex therapist because that is his main trigger and she lists infidelity as one of her specialties.

......anyway so far they are spending all this time discussing my mental illnesses and less time dealing with current fires aka our teenage daughter. I've been in IC for 17 years so the BPD is managed. I'm on medication for bipolar disorder and am presently stable. Balls in his court and sometimes especially when I'm tired or hungry I get angry.

I think you really need some kind of family counselling. Seemed like a lot of resentment and disconnect going on between your husband, you and your children.

Side Note: I wish at 15 my daughter was just sneaking around reading romance novels, even with some sex scenes. Instead, she got pregnant a few months before her 16th birthday.

He just started IC a few weeks ago. I mean he went before but he wasn't committed. Thought this was all my problem to fix. Part of his issues towards me are due to him seeing me as an enemy which I get actually. I am a recovering control freak who never listened to him. I own that. Now it's like he's got something to prove. He fears I'm going to not only cheat again I'm also going to rule over him again. What I'm doing now is reassuring him over and over and over again with words and actions that I respect him and he will always have say in our kids lives. First I controlled everything, now he controls everything and hopefully soon he'll work with me to find some middle ground. BTW he thinks the crumbs he's thrown our daughter IS middle ground because if it were up to him she wouldn't read or watch ANY of this stuff. I offered to cancel cable but he declined.

Sorry to hear about your daughter. It happens. My sister got pregnant as a teen and then her daughter went on to do the same thing. I was spared because I didn't want kids. Had I gotten pregnant as a teen I would have had an abortion. No bashing please I was once a fucked up teenager too.

isuck,

Have you tried getting on the same page with him concerning this and letting him know that your main concern is that he have a great relationship with his daughter?

Let go. If he is going to be a bit over board with this right now, let him and quit getting upset about it. It shows him that you don't support him and are not on the same team. If the kids are sneaking stuff in, well he will find out the hard way that being over bearing has consequences and maybe he will find middle ground. But that should not come from you right now. Be on his team, and he may calm down.