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Let go. If he is going to be a bit over board with this right now, let him and quit getting upset about it. It shows him that you don't support him and are not on the same team. If the kids are sneaking stuff in, well he will find out the hard way that being over bearing has consequences and maybe he will find middle ground. But that should not come from you right now. Be on his team, and he may calm down

You're right. I know you're right. I stupidly got sucked into this when she wanted a book to read between tests this week. I know better and I did it anyway. Its a really hard habit to break. I feel so stupid. So powerless. So angry. I've tried being on his team but it's the whole getting sucked into this by both of them that I keep failing. I stopped with the tv shows and movies but since I'm the reader I stayed an advisory regarding the books. That stops.....right now.

I don't really see the dynamic getting easier so long as you view him as wrong and the one needing to fix himself and he sees you as the problem. From the outside

Both of you aren't being heard. If he said just a few weeks ago how can you not see it's your fault - there's a deeper thing he's trying to communicate there than dome books. Maybe it was a dealbreaker for him and he hasn't admitted it to himself. Maybe it wasn't a dealbreaker to him but he feels isolated and unheard. Maybe he's just an ass. I have no clue.

But if both of you are constantly feeling unheard, and your children are being dragged into the middle (caught between mom who sides with them and dad who is too strict), it isn't going to get better until you're on the same team and working on the M as that team.

Kids catch on real quick which parent they can get what they want what from. Nephew's been with us for barely 3 months and has been trying HARD to figure out how to manipulate this 2 parent dynamic.

^^^^ Totally.

One thing my kids have said about HL and I as parents, they always knew we were on the same team no matter what. If one parent said no, they didn't bother asking the other parent. Even if we disagreed with each other that happened behind closed doors where the kids didn't hear it.

I don't really see the dynamic getting easier so long as you view him as wrong and the one needing to fix himself and he sees you as the problem.

I'm angry with him for trying to make me think like him. He was raised in a strict Catholic, parents slept in different bedrooms home. I on the other hand grew up with atheist parents fucking all the time. Sex toys, porn, dozens of used condoms, oh and my great dad was pimping me out when I was 16. To think I'm going to think like BH is um how do I say this....unreasonable.

From the outside

Both of you aren't being heard. If he said just a few weeks ago how can you not see it's your fault - there's a deeper thing he's trying to communicate there than dome books. Maybe it was a dealbreaker for him and he hasn't admitted it to himself. Maybe it wasn't a dealbreaker to him but he feels isolated and unheard.

This is making me cry....again. I do think it was a deal breaker. I've thought that for a while now. Don't know what to do with this information. He says he wants to R and it's not like I have anywhere to go. He's got a shit load of money that I can't even touch (inheritance) so divorcing me would be easy. He could hire a shark attorney tomorrow. I offered to get job....I'm a homemaker.

But if both of you are constantly feeling unheard, and your children are being dragged into the middle (caught between mom who sides with them and dad who is too strict), it isn't going to get better until you're on the same team and working on the M as that team.

I'm doing the best I can which is hard because if you read my other post I'm bat shit crazy. I can DO normal but I have to work at it.

One thing my kids have said about HL and I as parents, they always knew we were on the same team no matter what. If one parent said no, they didn't bother asking the other parent. Even if we disagreed with each other that happened behind closed doors where the kids didn't hear it.

I've worked really hard at doing this I swear. I'm out of the movies and shows. If dad says no then the answer is no. Got it. With books both BH/daughter keep sucking me into this (my fault I know). Daughter would nag BH for a specific book all her friends are reading. BH would then come to me and say "hey read it so we can cut out the pages with sex in it" but then he got upset anyway. I did what he asked me to do and he got angry anyway???

His side is he was upset at how giggly our teenage daughter was. You know like she got one over on him. He felt ganged up on by both of us because yeah I got involved and I will stop that.

Kids catch on real quick which parent they can get what they want what from. Nephew's been with us for barely 3 months and has been trying HARD to figure out how to manipulate this 2 parent dynamic.

In my house my kids can plead whatever they want on this subject and they aren't getting it. Doesn't stop them from trying no. I'm getting better about shutting them down. Dad said "no" and that's the end of this conversation...

BS here...

I just want to agree that the book itself is less of a problem than the way your H is dealing with it.

I will be honest and say that it troubled me when you said that your H was 'going off' on your daughter, but you walked away because you told him you would do whatever he wanted/needed.

I certainly appreciate your commitment to doing "whatever" for your BH - I wish my FWH was as willing.

But isn't there a line that needs to be crossed at some point?

I feel really bad for you all. This is TRULY a shitty consequence of cheating.

If you both grew up in such extremely opposite homes, I think it's unreasonable for either one to expect the other to think like them. All the more reason to work on it as a team... it isn't about him or you winning

The fact that you claim to be bat shit crazy indicates to me that you are very much NOT bat shit crazy. You might have some issues. Who doesn't? I understand a "normal" argument might be difficult for you, but it's that way for many of us, because arguments by their nature tend to escalate.

Please try not to beat yourself up so much about this. The whole A thing has made me pretty irrational and I've always been quite even tempered. This is just very hard for everyone.

think daughter might be passive aggressively stirring the pot with her book choices?

im an author. the "romance" section of a bookstore is a literary wasteland.

get her real literature to read and tell her to stop reading trash. just my opinion.

Devil's advocate....

It COULD be since he was so uninvolved prior to the affair, he's feeling like God only knows what they have been exposed to, how it's affected them etc. Sadly I don't think you are the one who could/would talk to him about that. If he was equally distracted with your marriage, he could be projecting that onto the girls.

I don't think it is "really" about your affair and more about his feelings. I mean shit, she's ASKING what she can read.

That is a terrible dynamic that probably does remind him of the affair (if that makes sense). I did that a ton in my marriage, playing interference because he was too brutal. It damaged their realtionships.

Isuck,

I have another approach you may want to try with your BH and DD. How about having an open, honest discussion about the book after DD has finshed reading it? Make sure at the beginning of the discussion that everyone knows that they can voice how they feel without the fear of being judged. Keep a neutral tone to the discussion (if that's possible ). Ask DD about her thoughts on the main characters and how they handled a situations that would affect the rest of their lives. Did the main characters use protection during sex? Discuss how having sex affected other people in the story Ask DD how she would have handled the situation. Reading or viewing sexually stimulating material isn't the real problem here IMHO; but rather what choices teens make when faced with sexual situations.

What exactly is BH's fear of DD view/reading sexually explicit material? Does he thinks that reading novels with sex in them will inevitably lead DD to make bad choices? I think that once you have a better understanding of what your BH's fears are about this subject, then the anger issue and projection of his feelings onto DD will lessen. This could be the best bonding experience a teenage girl can have with her dad. It's a perfect opportunity for BH to tell DD his thoughts on how teenage boys think and react to subjects like girls and sex. I feel like a lot of fathers want desperately to protect their daughters from the 'animals' that they felt they were (or at least how they felt other guys were) as teens. But at some point you really just want your daughter to be informed and make good choices and censoring subjects that will greatly effect her happiness in life is just rug sweeping IMHO. Hopefully by educating and listening to your DD without anger and judgement, she will have the tools necessary to deal with future situations and in turn, be able to make good choices that are necessary throughout her life. MG4me

Smokenfire he's scared shitless than I've taught them my evil ways. Confuses the hell out of me because why would I want anyone to live my life? He says I used to glamorize my past but my gosh that was before IC and before kids. Yes I had 2 years of intense weekly therapy before having kids. Having a baby changes everything. Suddenly I'm all about being a better parent than I had. My oldest son was in therapy for a while (6 years ago) and I openly admitted my contribution to his problems. Told her I was working hard to fix this. God I have to keep from crying as I type this....

Had I known the full extent of how fucked up I was I wouldn't have had kids. I figure now thank goodness I have money to pay for their therapy should the need arise again.

BH and I had a teary exchange yesterday. He knows he's losing her. Knows he's pushing her away. Knows he doesn't have a good relationship with her.

Rules without relationship equals rebellion.

Mindful that's a no go. I've already suggested that like 20 times. He thinks the books glorify sex and that will send the message that it's cool then she will want to do it too. For the record his present plan is to keep her under lock and key so she can't have sex. Think duggars.

No books, shows, movies with sex in them. No dates unless chaperoned that kind of thing.

He thinks the books glorify sex and that will send the message that it's cool then she will want to do it too.

So did he read books that 'glorify sex' when he was growing up? No? Well he eventually wanted to have sex anyway, right?

Books aren't going to make her want to go have sex, but forbidding something makes it much more interesting and desirable, be it cookies, drugs or sex.

If he wants his DD to have responsible sexual behavior then he's going about it the wrong way. If he wants to have ANY kind of relationship with his DD then he's REALLY going about it the wrong way.

I feel sorry for your poor DD. The fact that she's interested in this stuff is an indication of her evolution as a sexual being, and her own father is teaching her that her biology is just wrong. How confusing it must be for her, and how rejected she must feel.

I hope that you can all get into a family therapy to work out this issue specifically, and communication more generally.

Is this something you were unaware about him before the ea?

Have just a minute...

Lark our oldest daughter was 10 on d-day. I had an inkling that BH was like this when he wanted me to stop listening to pop music while our kids were in the car. The song that got him was when our 5 year old (second daughter) was singing "don't cha wish you were hot like me". He didn't scream at me though or shame me for liking those songs and I monitored the music more after that. My EA has now made him hate the fact that I listen to this music and read those books.

He also got angry when he found out what was in the adult romance books I read sometimes. At 40 years old he had no idea how graphic they were. Called the books porn and we had a role reversal where now I'm the man. He concluded as long as he could watch porn then I could read the books.

[This message edited by isuck at 7:08 AM, May 2nd (Tuesday)]

Lark however had no idea he was like this before I married him. I would have passed....I don't do religion. I've cut religious men out before because I knew I couldn't give them what they wanted. I'm a heathen.

As part of my healing I've adopted a spiritual, higher power type thing but organized, legalistic religion is cringe worthy to me. Clergy is in the top 10 careers chosen by psychopaths.

[This message edited by isuck at 7:39 AM, May 2nd (Tuesday)]