SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have said many, many things. The ones that visibly shook him though were when I told him I'd wasted the best years of my life on him, and also when I said he'd have to go through our finances with me so I have savings as 'I will always need an exit plan now'. He didn't like that.

As a BS, I said some horrible things to my WW, she took it all. I regret saying a lot of what I said, but at the time I meant it. One of the hardest things was reading the dribble she was saying to her AP. He couldn't have cared less about her, but the things she said to him haven't been said to me. Really tough for me accept, still haven't and it's been nearly 2 years since dday.

I guarantee the worst things you can hear will be true, like you totally disregarded your children because your needs mattered more, for example. Those will be the things that stick with you because simply they are true.

My ex was not very creative. It was whore, slut and go fuck your boyfriend. What bothered me so much about that was he did it in front of the kids.

Years and years later (he'd been insecure from day one) he would get on me. I would make the point if he would work on his issues, he would feel more secure in the relationship, rather then constantly thinking I was cheating. I've come to realize now that was total projection because he cheated through the entire relationship.

The harshest thing I said was he was exactly like his mom and sister. They're both horribly selfish people and his mom is a impulsive liar. It hit home.

The harshest thing he said to me IMO was the ILYBNILWY speech. It destroyed me at my core and has been the hardest part for me to deal with.

My H's ears are still red from the words I used on him 6 years ago. I am sure I used every curse I could utter at him as well as telling him that I had wasted 30 years in a marriage that meant something to me, and obviously, only me.

The horrible things I heard were the lies he was telling me to be with the AP. I just was not aware. I'd much rather hear truthful angry curse words than sweet lies. Words don't hurt near as much as the actions of infidelity.

The words that hurt my WH the most? The words he used to tell himself that convinced him that the A was OK. Nothing I ever said comes close to that mess.

I said a number of hateful, curse-filled things on Dday, but he says the things I said that hurt him the most were that I HATED him, that I had wasted way too much of my life on his cheating ass. Oh, and that he was just like his son-of-a-bitch cheating father. That one really dug deep. But he says even more important than anything I said was the sight of me curled up on the floor, unable to breathe and having chest pains - he was shocked by the realization of how destroyed I was.

The most painful thing he said to me, and the thing I still struggle with to this day, is that he thought I deserved it. Just typing that out feels like a knife to my gut and it's something I'll never forget. The pain of that statement has not lessened at all over time. Another thing that wasn't necessarily horrible - just more lame and ridiculous - was that he cheated because I rearranged the furniture too much. Seriously.

I initially tried to blame my decision to have the A on him and the troubles we had in our marriage. I was trying to explain myself to myself and it was easiest to make him responsible. I am most upset with myself for not owning it sooner and for acting like a coward in those moments. It didn't take long for me to see the truth and but those damaging words cannot be taken back.

BS here, neither myself nor my H are confrontational people. So there were never any screaming matches, there may have been loud angry voices but that would have been the extent of any outbursts.

Hurtful things I said to my H. After writing a two page letter to him and spelling out how he cheated, lied, hurt and stabbed me in the back all the way through to my heart, ruined our M, and hurt our children, he looked devastated and shocked and said that perhaps I should be leaving him. I also bagged out OW and said he made a poor choice if he was going to cheat on me it could have been with someone that at least was educated, and a few other not nice digs about her which I wont mention. I said it to hurt him.

Hurtful things H said to me, after having a bone marrow biopsy, him saying you know if its gone to your bones your a goner!! A lot of the times it was really hurtful when nothing was said. For days on end we wouldnt speak to each other. Im certain he must have said that he loved me but wasnt in love with me, because I remember posting about it a long time ago. But I think I have blocked it out as I dont remember it, so I guess thats another hurtful thing. I remember needing to hear that from him so much and he would never say it, he has said it on a couple of occasions since but thats it. I tell me kids I love them everyday. I even tell my dog i love him but I dont say it to my H because he never says it back.

Heard a mountain of horrible other things from OW that H had told her about me over the many years of their LTA. I would have to write a book.

Just to say what she told me. I was the wayward though. But, piggybacking on Wool94 but in a different way. That I emotionally raped her and allowed my two APs to emotionally rape her while I held her down while we were in IC. It killed me. She was right. I did. That is just how monsterous and cruel we became. I looked it up and it is a term. She was a CSA survivor and I would never deny her of her perspective. It hit me so hard, I went and threw up in the bathroom. I was so disgusted with myself and with what I let two other women do to her. Then just as disgusted with the two other women I brought into our lives because they wouldn't leave her alone.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 11:33 AM, April 23rd (Sunday)]

So much pain here! I'm so sorry we've experienced these things.

My H was brutal in the years leading up to d-day. When I begged him to tell me why we weren't having sex, he told me my (thin, fit) body disgusted him. On dday he told me I wasn't a real woman, screamed it, actually. And the best part, months later when he told me, in the middle of sex, that something was wrong with me, he wasn't into necrophilia. That was during a romantic weekend I had planned, packed for and paid for. Because, obviously, I wasn't writhing like a porn star.

I screamed lots of things at him. But I tried very hard not to attack him, but his actions (and the lowlifes that he engaged. Judging from his response, the worst thing I ever said was that his mother would be so ashamed of him. Their relationship was difficult. Oddly, we found out recently that she had cheated many years ago during a bipolar episode.

I'm curious. Why are you asking? I hope it isn't to try to compare your behavior, to say, "well, at least I didn't say THAT!" Because that would be non productive.

So much pain and so many hurtful words. A lot of what has already been said. The one I will always regret is when I told him "why don't you take a long ride in your car, with your gun, and think about how badly you've hurt me."

That was really messed up 😢 I never should have said it.

He told me that I had trust issues. I reminded him he had a problem with being trusted.

The worst thing my BH said after he got the whole truth about my cheating, was to ask if I've had sexual relations with our son but was too ashamed to tell about that when I came clean.

It felt horrible to hear but I understood where he was coming from, he just got his world bombed to pieces and wasn't thinking straight. I assured him as calmly as I could that I never did that and that I for sure am a sick twisted cheater with bad morals and I did VERY SH*TTY THINGS but I am not into incest. It felt crushing to even talk about but also on a deeper level: my cheating and evilness got him to doubt even that. For a couple of hours. He doubted my moral standards ALL OVER. I guess I sort of earned that mistrust even if it was wrong. So this question from him made me understand a little bit more about how destroyed HE felt.

:(((

[This message edited by MsAndersen at 11:23 AM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

So the WORST thing was not something I said - it was something I DID (and I said a lot of really mean stuff to my WW).

Shortly after dday she came out of the shower before work (after kids had left for school) and I initiated and carried out some of the most aggressive, vengeance-laden, hate-filled, sad, emotional, and awful sex that I have ever had. It was a precursor to some hysterical bonding and the first time we had been physical since dday.

I am SO not like that. But this was raw and full of hate. It was hard, punishing, and overwhelming. I was shaking and crying and my wife was asking if I was okay - but all I could do was... well, you know.

It was in THAT moment that I realized how badly she had hurt me, how much I hated what she had done, and that I would probably never be the same.

I'm not.

I'm better - but I'm not the same.

Her:(on her d-day)Do you want a divorce?

Me: NO! I do not want a divorce, I want to be WIDOWED!

BS here.

Worst things WH said to me "I had sex with OW##2 because I needed to know how I really felt about OW#1" and "I thought being with OW#3 would be good for us. I could have a release and be okay when I was with you."

Worst thing I said "It would be easier if you were dead" and "I wish you would have beat the shit out of me because then everyone would see the monster you really are."

There are so many horrible things said on both sides. Things that never stop echoing in my head. The one that is most hurtful to me, is being on the phone with WH. Arguing. He screamed at me "I love..." I had that split second of hope. Then he said "her". I, quite literally, laid in my own vomit for 3 days. I could not move or function.

The most awful thing I said was, "I wish you were dead", and "why don't you drive your truck off a bridge?" The "I wish you were dead", was because that is what it feels like. I'm mourning for the man I was in love with. The "drive off a bridge", came after a night of looking at enough pills to kill myself 3 times over. I had spent hours on the phone with my friends at the suicide hotline.

I hate who this has turned me into.

From WW: 'you're crying just to make me feel bad. Well, it isn't working.'

From me: 'you want to be with OM? Fine. Just be f**king honest about it. I'll pack all your s**t up and have it shipped to OM's house... I'm sure his wife will love that.'

Thanks, everyone. Lifeiscrazy, your post made me weep. I'm so sorry for the pain that waywards (like myself) have caused you. None of you deserved this. Thanks for reaching out in spite of all you've been through/continue to go through.

I'm a BS. A couple of weeks after d-day, WW was at night MBA class and I decided to get drunk while home alone. I don't remember much of what I said but here's what I do remember.

1. When we were dating, people said I could do better than date you.

2. You are worse than a whore, whores get paid, you just gave it away so that makes you a slut.

3. It would have been less painful if you just killed me instead of your A.

4. You are a "chip off of the old block", just like your dad (WW's dad had an A which caused her parents to divorce).

5. Thank god we don't have any kids (a couple of years prior, we were trying to have one).