SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I have just discovered this place, and thought that I would join up and offer up my current problems:

My wife and I have been together for 26 years (married for 19), with 2 boys (9 and 15).

We are the best of friends, talking laughing and planning things in the future (we are due to go on holiday as a family to mexico in july), but...

She recently (December, on eve of our anniversary) told me that she loves me and us, but has not for a long time felt sexual or physical attraction to me and would love to keep our relationship as we get on really well, and still 'love' each other (we respect each other, have never been angry with each other, gone through a lot of crises in family deaths, etc.). The last time we had sex (I have always been willing and able to have sex with her, and love going down and doing things for her)was a year ago. Previously before that was 2.5 years ago.

We still kissed and cuddled, but she works shifts (as a nurse) and I also work shifts, but maintain a brilliant household sharing tasks and looking after the kids together. I assumed that she was just tired, and we were both very busy doing other things, that kissing and cuddling would be enough for her.

We have been together since she was 17 and I was 18 (42/44 presently).

Our discussion hit me hard and could not sleep or eat, but after a few days I came to the realisation that we haven't been having sex for ages, so there's no change then. All the same, carry on with our loving/friendly relationship.

I have never been tempted by anyone else, or even looked elsewhere.

I am the 'technical guru' of the household, and she had a broken phone, so we replaced it with a new one. All the usual backup/restore etc to get her new phone working.

I still have her old phone, and noticed a conversation on her phone with her friend saying,

'previous conversation'.then "Plus if i do end up getting with AP", 'then remainder of normal conversation'

I know I shouldn't have, but then noticed a missed voicecall from AP a few nights previously on the phone. And then saw that she had 'favourited' him on facebook, and then saw facebook messages from him .

Since then, I still have her old phone as she is now using her new one without knowing that her facebook messages ALSO appear on this old phone.

more messages then ensued, with lines of 'love you's', 'miss you's', calling her sexy, and her replying with gorgeous (LIKE TEENAGERS FFS!).

We have spoken since about our previous conversations, but I have not told her that I know, just talking about how I feel about how our relationship is going.

She has said that if I found someone that she would be supportive of my decision as she feels awful that I am being left out of any physical relationship, and that if she did to, she would let me know and we can work with that. (She has not told me).

I cannot say how much I am in pain, but I feel that not only is my heart broken, but my soul torn apart. We have always liked the same things, having same interests and the like.

We have talked today and I said that she needs to be careful to not make any rash decisions with anything that we are doing (as I know she is seeing him, more on that later) and we walked our dogs today and i made a point of going past the AP house.

From the literally hundreds of infidelity experiences I've read I'd advise you NOT to play this passive like you're doing. That has the absolute least rate of success for saving your marriage. Sorry this is happening to you, it really sucks and you don't deserve it.

Since I know him, being a friend of mine for 9 years, before she knew of him too.

He is a friend of the family, having been to parties at our house and parties of other people's houses.

He is married with a 2 year old son, I don't think his wife knows.

As we walked past his house. We saw baby clothes hanging on their line, and I joked 'aw look at those baby clothes, would not want another baby at our age", she laughed and said the same.

I do not think she knows that this is his house (as he has recently moved into it).

Anyway, sorry for long post.

Today I have seen messages about them talking about their days, and him asking her if he can call her (whilst i am in work) which they did.

And more messages like I wish I could see you and cuddle up, then saying that his BS will be home soon. followed by the usual love you xxxx kisses etc crap.

The next batch of messages were that his parents are away this thursday and friday and they could potentially meet up? I am guessing that this will be when I am in work on nights, as one of her shifts ends up working late this week.

and more things like having a nice lay in together., etc.

I am totally torn, not sleeping not eating and totally wiped.

Just wondering on your thoughts about me confronting her since i have actual evidence (screen captures of the messages, and of the other message from her friend also).

I may be deluded, but I would really like our marriage to stay together as I actually really like her haha.

Cheers!

Hell yes, I'd confront her. Some people may advise more evidence, but I thin you have enough.

I may be a little confrontational, but when I found the first text message, I woke WH out of a sound sleep, slammed the phone down in front of him and gave him a loud WTF!? He confessed immediately. It was not pretty.

tiredofcrying, are you guys still together?

I have a lot of screen captures, I have always found it hard to talk about my true feelings, being the rock of the family over the last few decades with deaths and problems in our extended families.

We went through University together, I helped her pass her 2nd degree for nursing by working with her and doing her research. She is also studying to do a masters of which I have been helping her too.

We have always done everything together, whilst also being happy going out alone with our own friends.

[This message edited by dadof2uk at 6:07 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

Shock and awe. You have to throw her off course. Catch her by surprise. You say you've never gotten angry at her? Well now is the time my friend. Do it now. Do it firmly. Do NOT waver or go weak on her one bit.

You can read my little story in my profile, but yes. 30 years together. He had an opportunistic workplace A. She and he were easy pickins'. We had been having sexual incompatibility issues that led to a lack of sex. She was ready for someone to take her away from her marriage.

Never in a million years did I think I'd be willing to work on a marriage with infidelity, but I'm doing it. In fact, we're doing pretty well. But it is ONLY because he immediately dumped her and started working on us. He didn't blameshift or deny, and tried to be very understanding and took my anger. Of which there was a lot. For months.

You need to take the evidence to her boyfriend's wife FIRST. Affairs thrive in secrecy. You have enough to stop living in infidelity now!

***** do not tell her that you have evidence or are talking to her boyfriend's wife until you have exposed!!!! *****

You need to first get the other people out of your relationship before you can worry about fixing or ending yours.

+1

Also, don't reveal to your WW that the source of your information is her old phone. You are going to want to keep monitoring that device going forward.

Really talk to his wife first?

I could actually go there tomorrow, I know her too!

The betrayed husbands who have the most success are firm,aggressive, and refuse to tolerate one more ounce of shit. Do not try to "nice" her back into the marriage. It never works,it makes you look weak, and it rewards her for cheating.

Tell her you know about the affair. Do not tell her how you know. Never reveal your sources. Otherwise, they learn how not to get caught next time.

Tell her your requirements for attempting reconciliation. They should be..

Total no contact with the OM. She sends him a NC message that basically says...."OM...do not contact me ever again. Any further attempt to contact me,or my family, will result in legal action." Then she blocks him.

Std testing.

She answers all of your questions, without blame,anger,or defensiveness.

She goes to therapy to figure out why she did this.

She drops any friends who knew about the affair,but didn't tell you. They're not friends of the marriage.

She is accountable for her time when away from you.

She is fully transparent. You get full access to everything..email..cell..Facebook. Passwords included.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

Prior to confronting her, visit the other man's wife, since they're family friends. Give her a copy of all of your evidence. Tell her you are about to confront your wife...And ask her not to call your wife and bitch her out until you've confronted her. It would be best if she confronted her husband at the same time you're confronting your wife,so they don't tip each other off.

Your wife knows where he lives. I'm sure moving into your neighborhood wasn't an accident.

I'm so sorry...But she doesn't respect you. A woman who respects her husband doesn't stop having sex with him..But will have sex with his friend.

[This message edited by confused615 at 6:26 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

Come up with a firm plan and stick to it. From what I see...most men will not leave their wives. So, tell his wife. You can show her printed screen shots. Do not tell his wife about phone.

After you confront her. Put a VAR in her car. Do not ever tell her. After confronting my husband I did the VAR and that is how I found out the real truth. Also track her on find my iPhone. Did this also and discovered they were meeting after I said No contact. That day I moved all our money out of savings into my own account and contacted lawyers. When I stopped his shit show and made it very clear I would not put up with this bullshit....he was 100 percent on board.

Do not show a single sign of weakness. Do not listen to her explain. Lay out your expectations and what she needs to do to follow through. Also call her parents and tell them.

I highly recommend reading the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal. Only to see what emotions you will go through.

Do not show any weakness.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 6:41 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

what has happened has happened . Although it is a shock to you she has been on this for months. So it is not an accident. You cannot do anything about it. She has betrayed you or whatever she thinks that it is OK. Now your engaging in mental grievance will not solve anything. She has done this without any regard to you. So as many say take action. Her actions are bad all around, betrayal of marriage, friendship, hurting a young family etc etc. Worse on top of that she is kind of indirectly justifying her actions to you. I think indirectly what she suggested to you was open marriage. Whatever it is she has become a very bad person. Act accordingly. Confront her now without getting emotional or angry.She is cake eating and loving it. Stop it now.. Tell the other family (wife)). You should tell yoiur kids and your relations as well. your kids are old enough. They have been also betrayed.They will choose you. Confront the POS. He is a POS. He should have known better.By suffering you are failing. And in her present state your wife could not careless about it

Read again - your frequency of intimacy- are you a person of no clue or that you do not care? Either with this POS or some other she has been doing it for a long time?

[This message edited by goalong at 6:48 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

Also..remember she has zero respect for marriage or anyone else. She is screwing another woman's husband. I can promise she spread her legs without trinkets, flowers....

She did this to feed her ego. No other reason.

Iwantmyglasses,

This is where the historical family issues are coming from, all her parents are passed.

Her childhood was hard, seeing her father beat and argue with her mum (before she died when W was 7), and he remarried and they have both passed on also.

She has said in our conversations that she has been used to drastic and dramatic changes in her life that this is going to be just another one.

She has said that she is worried about my feelings and does not want to see me upset.

Just trying now to think how I acquired the evidence without stating the old phone haha. .....

I also suggest you tell the other man's wife, but you should do this a little AFTER you confront your wife. You tell her you know, not HOW. Tell her she can have her boyfriend but refuse to be a third wheel. Tell her you cannot have three in a marriage and you are moving on with or without her.

She is unlikely to choose OM based on the way she is talking to you. I remember my wife during her A asking me if I had ever cheated on her, she said she would forgive me if I was honest with her. This is very similar to what your wife proposed to you. I had no clue that this was my wife's way of absolving herself of wrongdoing -- she must have thought she gave me an option which meant I was tacitly accepting the same arrangement form her -- only problem was she didn't come clean about her A. She wasn't ready to lose the M or she wouldn't have been trying to maintain these ties with me, she could have told me she wanted a divorce or separation or whatever.

Sorry, back to you. Like I said, your wife isn't pushing for a divorce, she has the best of both worlds right now. You to provide a paycheck and raise your kids and help her with her academics and tend to family obligations and cook or clean, etc.; and she has OM for fun. This is cake eating. She has no reason to give up either. But if push comes to shove she will have a much easier time dropping OM than she would disrupting her entire family, believe me. OM seems attractive because he doesn't have to do all the quotidian shit you have to do to maintain your family. You're being unfairly saddled with holding her high upon a pedestal, which is exhausting, and OM is all too eager to reap the rewards.

So I advise you to take the nuclear option. Either she cuts off contact with OM, with a written letter or email or whatever, blocks him on all social media, removes any avenues of communication like smartphone apps, offers up her accounts for transparency, provides a timeline of the affair -- all things you're going to need to heal. She needs to demonstrate honesty and you need to take measures to verify that.

This is why you should wait before exposing to your friend's wife. Give it a few days, then tell her as directly and gently as you can. Offer whatever evidence you have in case she doesn't believe you. Then wait. If your wife finds out you exposed them, because OM goes whining to her, you know they are still in contact.

Just don't sit back and let this happen anymore.

[This message edited by mouthkeptshut at 6:56 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

Just tell her you know. When she demands proof..continue to tell her you know she is having an affair with xxxx xxxxxxx(other man's name). If she refuses to admit it,call her bluff. Tell her ok..let's go over to his house..see what he and his wife have to say. She will admit it then. Unfortunately,she will admit it because she wants to protect OM from his wife finding out.

But...this isn't a court of law. You don't have to provide your evidence. Just tell her you know.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. You're the techi in the family, make up some shit. You found it in the backup capacitor file or something stupid. She's going to be so flummoxed that it won't matter.

They don't expect to ever get caught.

From my perspective, WH had one shot to own up to his shit and straighten up. If I even get a sniff that he's pulling anything again, I'm out of here. So he knows I got it from his phone. He had been deleting his texts, but he had come home late from a golf trip and forgot to delete that particular series of texts when I saw them. Could he hide stuff from me now? Yes, but at some point I would know because I know what I'm looking for now. And I'd be done.

this - "backup capacitor file or something"......PRICELESS!

I really think she has forgotten about the old phone.

I will say that I saw something when backing up her old phone ready for her new one.

I really need to say something before the supposed meeting on thursday or friday.

Thanks guys,

I do still want to go on holiday though!

btw he hasn't just moved into our neighbourhood, he has just moved house within our same neighbourhood.

sorry for another question, I am currently on nights in work and finish at 7am, tend to animals and go to bed. She then wakes up at 07:30 and tends to kids to get them to school then she is working 9-5.

Would a good window of time be to ask her to come home in the afternoon, or wait until she gets home and before I have to go to work at 18:30 again? I am going to confront her tomorrow (Weds).

[This message edited by dadof2uk at 7:05 PM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. You're the techi in the family, make up some shit. You found it in the backup capacitor file or something stupid. She's going to be so flummoxed that it won't matter.

Not a bad idea here. You could tell her that you installed a packet sniffer or were port mirroring on the home router or had a key logger installed on the home PC because something doesn't seem right. My wife thought I had beamed down from the fucking U.S.S. Enterprise when I told her I had recovered deleted texts on her phone, she just couldn't fathom that. But really most of my intel came down to checking the phone bill.

Don't let her make you out to be the bad guy for snooping either. You really did find out about the A innocently by accidentally seeing an old message on her phone -- just don't tell her you still have her FB synced to it. And honestly, this is the (much, much) lesser of two evils here. She vowed before friends, family, and the almighty to honor and cherish you, and if she had been doing that you wouldn't have "violated her privacy" or however she decides to spin it.