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Hi, thought I'd chime in to give a possible way to tell both the WW & OBS at the same time.

If you have the OBS number, prepare a message on your phone, then send it as you are about to confront WW.

Hopefully, OBS will be near her phone, and notice the message as it comes in.

I don't know if this will help but I found out through my WW'S fone and I knew if I said anything about the fone then she would have gone all psycho over privacy and snooping.

When I confronted her I said;

"I know you are having an affair."

(She denied it)

"I know you are having an affair."

(Denied again)

"I know you are having an affair because you have been seen by someone I trust."

(Who, saw what, deny deny deny etc)

"I know you are having an affair with @#$%."

That's when she started crapping herself.

I made the mistake of promising early on that I wouldn't leave. My reward? 2 1/4 years of TT.

Might be worth thinking about throwing a sickie tonight if you are confronting today.

Take care of yourself mate.

Hello Dad,

Welcome to SI.

Just wanted to wish you well today - you and your children.

Also, to suggest that when you do confront, that you record the conversation. In the heat of the moment it is difficult to remember what exactly was said and how things went down.

I found it helpful to review conversations afterwards on my own, in a more dispassionate setting.

Try to remain calm

Stay strong.

Keep reading and keep posting.

Hugs of strength to you, MOB

Also, to suggest that when you do confront, that you record the conversation. In the heat of the moment it is difficult to remember what exactly was said and how things went down.

^^^ This.

Whether your marriage is salvageable will become evident at a later date, not now.

I'd suggest whether your marriage is salvageable will become evident once you confront your WW. Immediate remorse (not regret!) and a willingness to immediately cut off ALL contact with OM will reveal the level of her commitment to you and your children.

Anything other than that and I'm sorry to say the prognosis is probably not good. At the risk of generalizing when a WW has emotionally checked out of the marriage they're done.

The emotional rollercoaster is about to get even more scary dadof2uk.

You may find 'No More Mr Nice Guy' by Robert Glover of use. It is downloadable as a free pdf off t'internet.

Whatever the state of your marriage you were responsible for 50% of it. Your WW is 100% responsible for the affair however she may want to try and justify it to herself.

Stay strong and best wishes for today.

Just to clarify, I've read your posts mainly and not as many of the replies.

WOW, either you are in major shock or you are just way too calm about this. Your wife is walking all over you.

I don't see the point in telling her first. I'd say tell the obs. What can your wife tell you that would change your mind? You know she's been lying to you.

Why drag it out like you are doing? You've got all the evidence you need. Text her or call her and tell her you know about the affair. Don't say anything else. Let her piss her pants at work. You seem to be trying to live your life as normal, which is odd to me, since you're holding a 10 megaton bomb.

Talking about a vacation, like nothing is happening. The thought of doing anything with my wife after DDay, made me physically ill.

I don't mean to sound harsh, because I know you are about to be in a world of hurt, but if you're not firm with her now, she will continue to walk all over you.

When she asks anything, just calnly say you know.

Tell her, as another poster (Bigger) will point out, she is able to see any one she likes, but not as your wife.

She is either committed to you, whom that I am assuming she made vows to, or to the OM. She can't be committed to both. (No man or woman can serve two masters).

lay out your boundaries and stick to them.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 4:18 AM, April 5th (Wednesday)]

My vote would be to tell the OBS first as closely to your confrontation time as possible. My reasoning is that it doesn't sound like either spouse wants to leave their marriage... they just want something on the side.

I think she is cake eating.

Still talks of our holiday in a positive light, what we are doing each day and future stuffs....

Yea, she wants to cake eat and she wants you to be ok with her taking a lover. The problem is I don't see you getting mad at this proposition.

She is basically saying you are great as a friend, and you are wonderful at supporting me...financially, academically, and with the household but I don't want to have sex with you....I want to have sex with the guy a few blocks away and I want you to be happy for me.

She is asking you for an open relationship...have you told her no? Or are you thinking about it? On a side note I don't think she is serious about it being an open relationship on your end. If she thought you were having sex with someone that was single, younger and could potentially end her marriage... I doubt she would want this. Her plan is for you both to have affairs with unavailable people.

The good news is that if you take action now you might be able to save this. It doesn't sound like either want to give up the good things in their marriages. Telling the OBS would stop things on his end. He has a new baby.

It also sounds as if you are a bit scared of your WW. The problem with her knowing how you found out about the affair doesn't have to do with invading her privacy it has to do with the affair going underground and you not being able to asses if she is still cheating via the phone anymore. I know this is an old phone that she doesn't use anymore. If she found out how you got the information would it hurt you getting more the same way? Are you able to get into her new phone?

Here's the thing. Yes people should have some privacy but she is CHEATING. Her getting mad at you because you stumble upon and read her messages of love to a coworker is like ... her getting mad at you for denting a bumper AFTER she totaled the car.

While I think the marriage is salvageable I also think you need to become a man of action, and become a little mean. She seems to be able talk you into eating a S---sandwich by telling you how great it is. This isn't her being sweet this is her being manipulative.

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:22 AM, April 5th (Wednesday)]

Don't tell the OBS in message. Messages get intercepted all the time.

Make sure you clear your history here, so your WW doesn't find this site. And do not tell her about it after you confront.

You've said a few times you want to make this marriage work. Sadly, that's up to your WW. There's an enormous amount of work she will have to do. You can't rugsweep this,or it will happen again. You didn't break this..and you can't fix this.

Privacy is one thing if she's using the bathroom or buying you a present. Otherwise, there really shouldn't be anything between you and her that's a secret.

Never ever give up your sources. Lie or whatever. Tell her you heard it through the grape vine. You need to keep your source to check up on her to see if she is being honest.

The best confrontation is telling his wife then disappearing for awhile and letting her stew. He will call your wife and that is further proof of what is going on.

The biggest red flag of cheating is cutting off her husband. Sounds like there is a good chance this isn't her first rodeo. You need to start checking further back. Nurses and teachers top the women's cheating lists.

Good luck and prayers for your family.

We are the best of friends, talking laughing and planning things in the future (we are due to go on holiday as a family to mexico in july), but...

She recently (December, on eve of our anniversary) told me that she loves me and us, but has not for a long time felt sexual or physical attraction to me and would love to keep our relationship as we get on really well, and still 'love' each other (we respect each other, have never been angry with each other, gone through a lot of crises in family deaths, etc.). The last time we had sex (I have always been willing and able to have sex with her, and love going down and doing things for her)was a year ago. Previously before that was 2.5 years ago.

We still kissed and cuddled, but she works shifts (as a nurse) and I also work shifts, but maintain a brilliant household sharing tasks and looking after the kids together. I assumed that she was just tired, and we were both very busy doing other things, that kissing and cuddling would be enough for her.

We have been together since she was 17 and I was 18 (42/44 presently).

Our discussion hit me hard and could not sleep or eat, but after a few days I came to the realisation that we haven't been having sex for ages, so there's no change then. All the same, carry on with our loving/friendly relationship.

dadof2uk,

I feel really bad for what's happened to you and don't mean to pour salt on your wounds, but I think you need to realize that a big part of your problem is that, over the years, you allowed your relationship with your WW to devolve into one of being little more than good friends, and friends without benefits at that. As I'm sure you will understand, that is not a good place for a marriage to be, as most people have needs beyond mere companionship.

This does not in any way justify her infidelity, but it may help to explain it.

Whatever happens between the two of you, R or D, I recommend that you takes steps to become a more sexually attractive partner. This will benefit you whether you stay with your WW or eventually find someone else.

A good way to start would be to read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" by Athol Kay (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004W0IRQ8?tag=viglink21103-20) ["a simple, effective plan for men to create sexually exciting marriages for themselves and their wives."]

Wishing you well.

[This message edited by Alchemy at 3:17 PM, April 5th (Wednesday)]

As the OBS in my past situation, it is best that you tell the OBS in your situation PRIOR to confronting your WW. It will prevent your WW and the OM from executing their coordinated plan of lies to you and the OBS when caught. It will allow you and the OBS to observe the depths with which your respective cheating spouses will go to deny and lie to protect their own asses.

I suggest you ask the OBS to coordinate confrontation with yours at a specific day and time. I suggest that you do not confront them in the same room. Detectives seperate suspects in interrogation for a reason. You and the OBS can match up notes after confrontation. You can also observe all the attempts your WW and SO attempt to contact each other to coordinate damage control after you and OBS require NC. Typically waywards use truth as a leverage to minimize consequences. By telling the OBS first you both have most of the truth of the infidelity, and that leverage, ahead of time. Your cheating spouses may have thought ahead of establishing a coordinated a cover "story" but have not thought ahead of what happens when you and the OBS already know together, with undeniable evidence, and each other as a source of verification. It will quickly go from attempted damage control and trickle-truthing to self preservation and blame shifting.

As MadOldBat suggested, get a VAR or an voice recorder app on your phone and secretly record your confrontation. You will want to go over it later for fact checking. See if OBS will do the same. Then you can hear each other's recordings. Make copies first.

This situation is easy to see. Your wife wants an "open marriage" and for you and her continue to live together, as always, being close roommates and best friends and getting sexual fulfillment with other people. She has all but told you in so many words. She has even encouraged you to go out and find a sexual partner for yourself. After so long with a sexless marriage I am pretty sure she is not going to be happy with anything less. You can comply or divorce. With the way you describe her she may consent to your demands for a while but it will not last. I hope I am wrong but I don't think so. She is happy with you as a person and a partner but way unhappy with you as a lover. I once heard a woman say that "if you're not having sex and enjoying it then you're not doing it right." I do wish you well.

Dadof2uk

It's Thursday morning here in the UK and I just wanted you to know that I have been thinking of you so much over the last couple of days.

Stay strong.

Pru

How are you Dad?

Expose to OM's wife. Get her to agree to to confront at the same time. That way you can compare stories.

One key here is to not expose your source of information. By knowing about her phone when she has no idea you are ahead of her. Once she knows her phone is not safe, she will close it down and open a new channel of communication.

Don't blow your load on confrontation. You are monitoring her now. If you tell her she will find another way to contact him. Tell his wife to check his phone and that you have seen messages of them cheating. If your wife is suspicious just say some messages popped up on her phone when it was lying around. Let her come to you. The fullest and most complete confessions come when you talk less and act more.

[This message edited by Smillie at 6:51 PM, April 7th (Friday)]

How are things dadof2 ?

It's been 15 days since OP posted.

The sad part about this is that his wife cut him off sexually, then found a boyfriend (who happened to be a friend of his) and he was passive in dealing with it, trying to stay friends with her and still sleeping with her despite her actions which were ongoing. Further, it sounds like she tried talking open marriage after she already found his sidekick. Anyone who knows me on these boards know how I condemn open marriages. She was cakeeating the entire time while depriving him.

To me, this is not a marriage. I feel badly that two kids have to endure this.

While I hope OP is ok, it is never alright just to be 'friends and good roommates' with your spouse.

I hope in the last 15 days, he exposed the other scumbag to his wife, I hope he either laid down the law or decided to end things, one of the two.

I know how hard the UK courts are on Dads. It is unfortunate as SI has shown a long history on such discrimination.

It would be nice if OP posted and took Confused's advice about being assertive and acting decisively