SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yankees,

As others have said, you are doing really well in difficult circumstances. Emotionally, you never left the marriage, and you are a decent guy, so of course you can’t stand to see your wife cry without offering a bit of comfort. I think the majority of people here can identify with the feeling of being caught in the middle; it’s what turns these things into an emotional rollercoaster. It is like we are living with two people in one; pre-affair spouse, and post-affair spouse, and it can be very hard to handle when our view/feelings keep switching from one identity to the other. There is no easy way of getting through that, but you are doing the best thing by being reserved and keeping control of the strong emotions that you feel.

It’s interesting that your counsellor in the MC session got off the fence and actually took your wife to task. As another poster said, a lot of the time counsellors seem more interested in minimising things and papering over the cracks, rather than making people take ownership of what they have done. The counsellor sounds like someone you should stick with, because her feelings concur with yours, and she won’t sugar-coat anything. If your wife refuses to go back to that counsellor, you can still go to her for Individual Counselling. She clearly understands your view of things, and therefore your feelings, and that is a good foundation for any counselling.

“I let her know she needs to hear the harsh truths and if she can't handle it then she can leave…”

“I let her know her consequences are well deserved, she seemed to get annoyed that I said that.”

It’s good that you are not rug-sweeping. At the moment, your wife is refusing to acknowledge the significance of what she did, and the damage it caused. Instead, she is focused on herself; beginning MC with putting blame on you (she’s the victim), grumbling that the counsellor was harsh to her (victim again), feeling sorry for herself about the poison-pen letter (victim), the kids not talking to her (victim), you not wanting sex and not responding to affection (victim)…It’s all about her and her suffering the consequences of her actions, with very little focus on you, what was done to you, and how you are coping with it. Her refusal to accept the impact and magnitude of what she did is going to make MC difficult, although you say that she did finally admit some responsibility towards the end of the session. That angle needs to be pursued, because counselling cannot achieve much if she is in a state of denial and appealing for sympathy from the person whose world she turned upside down.

As so many in the forum have written, these things can take a long time to resolve themselves, whichever course people take. Progress is possible, and you do not have to make any ‘big’ decisions until the time feels right to you. If your wife can shift out of her self-focused mind-set, start empathising/sympathising with you, and accept the responsibility that goes with the fact that a marriage is made by two people, but can be broken by one, things can improve. In that respect, individual counselling is what she needs in the immediate future, rather than MC. Individual counselling can also help you work through your feelings, so maybe investigate whether your MC counsellor would be available for some IC sessions.

In the meantime, keep doing what you’re doing. You are steadfastly refusing to rug-sweep, which is important, and while you are not letting your wife off the hook, you are not being hostile or vindictive for the sake of it. Your actions, given the circumstances, are extremely reasonable and humane, even if there are times when giving comfort makes you feel uncomfortable or irritated. Arguably, you are the one with the right to be seeking comfort and support, not dishing it out to the person who caused the problems. However, you are handling it all very well.

I think you should make it a point that she get a job ASAP. That way she will not have a lot of time to dwell in her present state of aimlessness arising from self pity/ frustration that things are not coming back to normal as she wishes. It seems that you are not that emotionally invested in her. However the present state of her despair is affecting you and your family. Even if you divorced I think you want her to be in good stature. So it is better to stop this negative energy quickly. From what you described it seems she is more sad about the the consequences than remorse and what her actions did to you. Also advise her to stop drinking. As you said , specially if you are going to R, take more control including her behavior. The way she is getting you involved it seems she has forgotten you are the victim of her actions. Regarding her leaving you outright for a week (and possibly testing the ground with the POS) you may have read many instances where WW coming back and reconciled. However most of these cases involve small kids.

[This message edited by goalong at 4:01 PM, April 10th (Monday)]

Our marriage was very good pre her affair, I have looked at all angles and can't understand why she had to do this.

As you certainly know, she didn't have to do it. She chose to do it because she decided that fulfilling her immediate carnal desires was more important than fulfilling her marriage vows, and because she either thought she wouldn't get caught or was confident that, if she were caught, you would forgive her.

Goalong I wish it was that easy. I feel completely in the middle to be honest. Sometimes I wake up and think ok let's give this marriage a shot, other days I can't stand the sight of her and avoid her basically the whole day.

This is normal and there would be nothing wrong with your deciding to give your marriage another chance. But, before you do, you had better be sure that your WW is genuinely remorseful and firmly committed to doing what she needs to do to help you heal.

... I came home and she reeked of liquor and had been crying in the living room. She asked if I wanted to watch a movie and then just started crying during it pretty hard and told me about the letter and how the kids won't talk to her. I let her know her consequences are well deserved, she seemed to get annoyed that I said that. Then she became inconsolable and told me she just wants a hug. Looking at this woman who I've lived protected in pain hurt me in the moment. Then during it i regretted it, she was making physical contact and was saying she loved me. It cheered her up and then she fell asleep on me.

Please understand that what she is not "inconsolable" because she feels bad for having cheated on or for hurting you, but because she was caught and is now suffering consequences, albeit rather mild consequences given that you continue to live with her and even comfort her. Her behavior is a form of manipulation -- she wants you to feel sorry for her so that you will let her off the hook for cheating. Unfortunately, it seems to be working.

I wanted her to get off me honestly. I didnt enjoy it but I just wanted to show compassion towards her. She didn't show an ounce to me and I have to remember that.

Comforting someone who is not remorseful for betraying you is self-destructive behavior. Keep this up and the next thing you may find yourself doing is rug sweeping her infidelity.

How does it go yankees?

As I was doing my usual reading and obsessive sponging up of all the learning I am getting on this site, I thought of you and your situation.

I hope this finds you well and good and receiving all the support and help one who has been dealt such a betrayal, as you have been dealt, needs and deserves.

Wanted to check up on you. Hoping you get to spend time with your children this weekend if they are home from school.

Big (((hugs))) for you, yankees.

Yankee:

how are you holding up? Are you making progress in the direction you want things to be going or are you still in a holding pattern?

How are you doing, Y99?

Any update Y99 ?

Hi everyone, I haven't posted here in awhile and I hope all is well for you. Anyway, I moved out of our home a few weeks ago to get away from everything. She has been trying and doing everything she said she would but so I have to admit I don't think reconciliation is going to be in our future. She's holding out that hope that we will and still tries to call me often. But I'm having a hard time forgetting everything she did. It's a sad situation but honestly I'm starting to be at peace with it all. She told her family she was going to commit suicide if I didn't come home and that she wanted to die and that everyone would be better off without her.

So yeah. I just needed to get away from it all. I don't know for sure what's in our future but I think I need more time.

You are entitled to take as much time as you need! Your WW was incredibly cruel to you during her A and if you decide you are better off alone then that's the price she has to pay. This is your time and it's about what you want - stay strong and good luck 😊

I can't believe I haven't posted on here before, but you are doing an excellent job in your situation.

yankees99

I believe you are doing a great job! Remember that you need to be well for your kids. Exercise, eat well, drink enough water, etc.

The opposite of love is not hate, is indifference. Take all the time away that you need and detach as much as you can. Avoid her drama!!!

If R is in your future or not, IMO she needs to repair her relations with your kids.

Have she done any work to repair her relationship with them?

Is she attending IC?

IMO she needs to get herself together before even asking to R. It includes a really good explanation of what happened (the whole thing), why it happened?; and most important why you should give he r a second chance (if fact it was not second chance as she throw away all the chances you gave her after DDay)..

One last thing, until the D is finished (if you ever get D), do not engage in any relation with other woman. Your WW is very unstable and last thing you need is more drama, more blame shift, that will turn the D into war. Be careful!

Yankees99.

I'm so glad you posted an update. I have often wondered about you and your situation.

It shows great strength to move away from the home in order to heal. I applaud you

Stay strong yankees99

Yankees,

Like everyone else who was following your thread, I was wondering how you have been doing. Many thanks for the update.

I think it is good that you know what you need, like getting out of the house to spend time getting yourself back together. Your wife does seem to be quite intense and 'full-on', which can stop you from thinking straight.

I only became aware of a condition called "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" recently, but there are plenty of things that your wife did that match the kinds of things that people with NPD do, like the excessive need for attention, cheating, the rages, poor boundaries, the lack of real empathy. Even the talk of suicide, which turns the whole thing into a melodrama about her, instead of what it should be, which is your time to heal and try to find some sort of peace about it. I am glad that you are starting to do that, and I hope that whatever you choose to do, you will reach a conclusion that is focused on what is best for you and your future happiness.

I wish you all the best, Yankees. You're a good guy, and you deserve good things in life.

whenever she plays the suicide 'game' call the police.

if she means it they can get her the help she needs.

if its a manipulative trick it will soon get her to stop playing it.

Yankees.

Your thread was one of the first I read when I joined here as you last posted right before I joined. So if you want to ignore thoughts from someone who wasn't involved with you in march or April feel free.

I whole heartedly support your right to be done if you feel you are done. In fact I was wondering what happened with your filing for D as you mentioned it was happening 3 months ago. Did you go thru with the filing? If not, and if you are truly finished then maybe it's time to complete it and move forward with your life.

However, you also completely have the right to be unsure about what to do.

If you do want to take time to figure out your direction you probably owe it to yourself to get some IC to help you work thru that decision making process. I couldn't find in your thread any mention of if you are in IC or not. But if you are not, I recommend you interview a few of them and find one you like and work thru the question of if you truly want to D.

You should probably also work on how the A affected you and if there is the possibility at all of getting to a point of loving and living with your wife again after all she has put you through.

Of course part of how that question gets answered depends on how your wife is now behaving in Becoming a safe spouse.

If you truly feel remorse from her for what she did maybe there is hope. If instead she is taking this time apart to party or reconnect with AP there is little.

In reading many threads here I have found a common theme is that a remorseful spouse is one that feels their BSs pain even more than their own. That they can't stand that they were the one that hurt the person in the world they were supposed to protect.

Do you feel that from her? Do you feel that she hates the person she became? If not, how can you ever forgive her. If so, then perhaps you could get to forgiveness, even though you will never forget.

At that point, where you can get to a point where you feel forgiveness and also feel her thankfulness for you giving another chance, and that she's working every day to make you feel safe, then perhaps you can then create a new marriage with new memories.

But if you are not feeling it's worth the try, that's understandable, and best to move forward with life separately.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:30 AM, June 26th (Monday)]

I think it's interesting that as recently as the end of March she moves in with the guy for a week. (maybe more, I haven't read too closely). In any event, she made it clear she wasn't sure how she felt about you and moved in with some guy for a week.

And NOW? And now she says she loves you so much that she's threatening suicide?

Yankees, have you calmly reminded her of her actions? And when she says she was confused, because that's what they all say, have you told her that really isn't an acceptable excuse? I mean, considering she's realized that you're not impressed with the blame shifting, and that if she continues you're going to walk, I assume she's going with the temporarily insane/confused/I was broke bullshit.

So what does she say when you tell her that's not a very compelling thing to say. It just sounds like bullshit. I mean, where was her compassion for you when she went to bang this guy for a week?

I'm just curious.

Hang in there brother, you'll come out ok in the end, one way or another.

I moved out of our home a few weeks ago to get away from everything.

what happened during the time before you decided to move out. Cannot you do a in house separation? How are your kids handling this? You still do not indicate whether you are going to R or D though your latest action indicate you are moving towards D. Hope what you mean by you are at peace is that you are no longer emotionally affected by what your wife has done. Or do you have closer relationship with your friend who helped you during your darkest days?

Wish you a strong mind in whichever way you proceed

Yankees, having read your full story, I think that you have made the right choice. It wasn't just the A that doomed R. It was her cruel and abusive behaviors immediately following the A and her refusal to accept that everything has happened due to her own choices. Crying and wallowing allows her to play the victim and she wants you to be her rescuer despite all of this happening because she betrayed you in the first place. The entitlement is breath taking!

R with her would only serve to beat you down and make you accept that this was some how partially your fault, your responsibility to fix, but also forgive and forget entirely and pretend like it never happened. If she's getting upset about being reminded now, imagine how badly she will react several years from now when you're still struggling to heal! She has shown you that she is not R material even if you could stomach it. It doesn't really matter if she's doing what you ask when she still acts like the victim and treats you like the aggressor for daring to be hurt by her abuse.

This thread should be put in the healing library as an object lesson showing WWs how not to behave upon discovery if they have any hope of R.

Also, can you imagine what would have happened if a WH behaved the way she did, with physical threats, breaking down doors etc? We all know the answer to that.

Bumping for Thepain