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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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BallofPain posted 7/28/2016 17:15 PM

Confused, I wish I could offer you the same wisdom you have offered me many times. It saddens me that you're going through all this. I know it doesn't mean much but it will all figure itself out.

LMM, I get what you're going through. It really sucks that both of us are sad and watching friends seemingly running ahead and excelling at life. I hate my age where people are getting married/engaged left right and center. Even my mom is telling me that I have to start dating right about now. It's horrible, it sucks. I really wish life was better for both of us...

[This message edited by BallofPain at 5:16 PM, July 28th (Thursday)]

Empowered posted 7/29/2016 08:04 AM

I have neither time nor freedom to say what I need to but quickly want to offer everyone giant (((hugs)))))

Keep strong

Cloudyrain posted 7/29/2016 08:55 AM


Hope you are well. Take care.

To everyone else hope you ok today


HowIsThisReal posted 7/29/2016 14:09 PM

I have a hard time sometimes, of getting over the gross out factor. No I'm not a homophobe, what goes on in other people's bedrooms has no effect on me...until it's my husband in those bedrooms with them. Gay sex isn't appealing to me, so the fact that my husband took part in it does gross me out.

I have a hard time when I get into the funk of mental movies. My "manly" H letting some man do things to him. My H on all fours getting it from behind, and giving BJs. It's destroyed some of his masculinity in my eyes.

How do I get that back? Sigh.

He was with women too, probably about 50/50 men/women, but the mind movies of him with women don't seem to come up as often.

I don't feel my husband is gay or bi, he's told me over and over that he isn't. He's gone pretty deep into the subject with his IC and she has said he isn't. I swear sometimes that's the only thing I can hold onto when trying to get through the bad days.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 2:11 PM, July 29th (Friday)]

Ifeelalone posted 7/29/2016 16:20 PM

HITR, I feel similarily to you. I lurk a lot on this page. Recently my husband was telling me about his unprotected sex with a man "barebacking" he called it. I was telling him about the high risk group for contracting HIV was straight white men who have sex with men. I got triggered- I'm terrified of STI.

I decided it was all bad. He is a SA. He didn't care who he could get it from. And that's it. There are certainly different disease risk profiles- he was very high risk.

Just wanted you to know I think I understand where you are coming from.


HowIsThisReal posted 7/29/2016 17:01 PM

My husband was high risk as well. It sickens me.

Just got in the car and got triggered by a song that was pretty popular around d-day and coincidentally seemed to be about cheating and having weird fucked up encounters.

The Weeknd's "The Hills". I hear it and I immediately get a shot of anxiety through my body, yet I can't change the station. My husband's was more like "half past nine" (PM) because he'd leave work early and tell me he was working late.

Some of the lyrics go...

"Cause you look even better than the photos
I can't find your house, send me the info
Drivin' through the gated residential
Found out I was comin', sent your friends home
Keep on tryna hide it but your friends know

I only call you when it's half past, five
The only time that I'll be by, your, side
I only love you when you touch me, not feel me
When I'm fucked up, that's the real me
When I'm fucked up, that's the real me, yeah
I only fuck you when it's half-past, five
The only time that I can call you mine
I only love it when you touch me, not feel me
When I'm fucked up, that's the real me
When I'm fucked up, that's the real me, baby"

"I'mma let you know and keep it simple
Tryna keep it up don't seem so simple
I just fucked two bitches 'fore I saw you
And you gon' have to do it at my tempo
Always tryna send me off to rehab
Drugs started feelin' like it's decaf
I'm just tryna live life for the moment
And all these motherfuckers want a relapse"

"Hills have eyes, the hills have eyes
Who are you to judge, who are you to judge?
Hide your lies, girl, hide your lies
Only you to trust, only you"

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 5:15 PM, July 29th (Friday)]

HowIsThisReal posted 7/29/2016 17:13 PM

Unfortunately I know a ton of the Craigslist terms that are used, from me pain shopping so often in the beginning. Barebacking, breeding, bottom, top, poz top, along with all the vulgar language people use.

I also know people meet up at public bathrooms and jerk each other off under bathroom stalls. Like seriously have seen ads saying "let's meet up at the local Burger King and jerk each other under the stalls".

Maryjen posted 7/29/2016 19:32 PM

I am learning much more than I ever wanted to know about how seedy the whole hook up sceen is. This week WH confessed (after I found all the evidence so really how could he not confess) two other escort visits. Same as the one I knew about, pre op trans hookers. He is certain that he is not gay or bi, which matches a lot of things I have found online. This is more fetish like for a girl with a penis, but I don't know, only he knows for sure and right now is saying he doesn't know why.

The problem is I as much as I keep telling myself there is probably more than he told me, I can't help wanting to believe I know everything. This means it went from one visit that he didn't really like (hahaha) to a few visits so he did like the experience and went right back for more. Trying to think about what kind of consequence I can put on not telling me everything now. Surely I can't have found all the evidence about everything, I just don't buy I am that good a detective

Sometimes our days are so normal, he is doing everything right as far as the remorse side goes. Some of the threads I read on here just tell horrible stories after Dday but he seems like he is rerally trying. Finding these additional visits this week was almost worse than finding out the first time, I am so angry that I let myself start to think we really could get through this. Feel so devistated again, and I have some scary mind movies going on

HowIsThisReal posted 7/29/2016 19:50 PM

I'm sorry MaryJen. Seems our Hs are a bit similar in not feeling they are gay or bi, and in having real remorse and doing things right, after D-Day.

I take comfort in that sometimes. That he is remorseful and trying his best to make things right. It all still sucks though. It's hard to know what to DO with the information we have, and still feel love for our FWH.

Maryjen posted 7/29/2016 20:05 PM

I still think I trust him, I have trusted him for so many years. But I know I can't trust him and I can't forget that this is my new reality

HowIsThisReal posted 7/29/2016 21:50 PM

I still have some trust in my H. He's totally transparent, but I know never to doubt my gut again. Even if it just means looking further into something and finding out my gut is wrong, I'll never push suspicions aside again.

Maryjen posted 7/29/2016 22:53 PM

I think it is all finally sinking in, my IC told me last time I was still in denial. Of course I didn't think I was, but guess that's why he makes the big bucks. Last week I was thinking this is still my husband, he made some bad choices. Right now I look at him, knowing more now than I did before and I am thinking how is this the person I married. That person wouldn't have done the things he has done. The hookers, the sexting, the lies. It's like he lived another life for the past year.

I still can't believe I found out everything he was guilty of for the last year, I can't be that good of a detective, yet he says there is nothing else.

HowIsThisReal posted 7/29/2016 23:07 PM

Have you considered a poly? My H agreed to take one, we just have to wait until we have the $ and I want to make sure I word my questions perfectly.

I still do sometimes tell myself this is my husband, he made horrible choices. But sometimes I look at him and think "how could you? Who are you?"

Maryjen posted 7/30/2016 00:04 AM

Mine says he doesn't want to do a polygraph. From the way he said it (and some past totally irrelevant things he has just refused to do) I am not sure if he is freaked out about having to answer embarrassing stuff or if there really is more that he is hiding.
I know, I know that sounds bad, but I have known this man for a very long time and I am not assuming this refusal is him being even more guilty. I have not pushed him too much in this yet, not sure I want to go there yet

Cloudyrain posted 7/30/2016 05:52 AM

Hi everyone.
Sorry to hear so many people here still having problems.

I'm devestated today. We are going to tell the kids we are divoroing. I am not proud of myself just begging XWH of we can try again, he says no and he started moving on, on DDay!! Need to me cos we were inMC for a while. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel manic, crazy and panicked. All the kids will be devestated. I'm devestated. I can't get over him. My depression is awful. But I have to keep going for the kids.
I am not strong enough. I want my marriage, the old lovely husband I had, my family together. I miss it so much. I don't want to do this alone. He is/was my best friend!!!

Maryjen posted 7/30/2016 09:31 AM


So so sorry you have to go through this.

Know that you are strong enough, you will get through this and come out the other side. I wish I had better words to help you get through today

HowIsThisReal posted 7/30/2016 11:34 AM

I'm so sorry CloudyRain. I would be feeling the same way, so just know your feelings are totally normal. It's not fair.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 7/30/2016 14:43 PM

Hugs everyone,

I just wanted to come quickly and send hughs today to whomever is needing a hug today.

My mom is still sick and me too. Never in my life have I had so many things in a short period of time: sickness, money problems, depression, lossess and so on.

Let us be strong today and look for the positive!

The things I am grateful for today:

My legs and arms ❤️

Yesterday I read about a girl who has no legs neither arms but she says she is happy and God has gave her the power to paint beautiful things and be happy.

If she is happy with no limbs, I sure can be happy using my beloved fingers to type, to pet my dogs, to cook my own food, to work.

I also have my legs that carry me every day and give me the freedom to do anything I want.

What are you grateful for?

((((Hugs to all my beautiful friends in this forum))))

P.D please send light to my mom, she is in the hospital 🙏🏻

Empowered posted 8/2/2016 02:04 AM

I think about you all everyday my dear friends. 💕💕💕

LMM - I am praying for both your mum and you honey. It's amazing you have the strength to see positive things through so much darkness.....so so proud of you. Xx

Cloudyrain - sending you love and peace. There will be happiness and light for you beyond these dark days. Keep taking each hour at a time....breathe......keep posting....vent.....we are all here for you. ((((CR)))

On a positive note myself, things are going so much better my end. I think I may have reached a point of acceptance.....not about what and why WH did but accepting I can't change the past only create new memories and enjoy the future.

(((Hugs))) my dear, dear friends.

Today I am grateful for finding you all 💕💕💕

BallofPain posted 8/2/2016 06:53 AM

Cloudyrain, I am channelling vibes and strength to you on this very tough time. I know it's not much, and I wish I had some advice for you but I'm afraid I don't

Oh Maryjen, I never knew such a world existed. I learned some terms whole pain shopping too, but not this many! It truly makes me wonder how my formerly soft spoken shy ex became...that.

LMM, I am grateful for my mobility. I get to go out and play Pokemon Go. I get to work, and drive where ever I want. I am grateful for my cat. He has been there with me when I needed him. He was the reason why I decided to move away from those disgusting friends I was staying with (I was the only one who cleaned!). I am grateful for true friends who have taught me never to judge by appearance. If it weren't for them, I would still be uncomfortable around gay men.

I am grateful that I have found you guys. People who could act with parently advice for these things and give me wisdom that my own mother is unable to give (our lives are very different)

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