Well, I made the always Oh So Great choice to pain shop today, with the resulting splintering and feelings of being the invisible person in the photo.
My Uncle R came to visit my Dad, and my Dad (bio dad) had an appointment in town today (he lives about 1.5 hrs away in a small town) for a checkup. A couple of weeks ago, my ½ sister (21 years younger than me) texted my full little sister and me to see if we could all get together for brunch after the appointment. Let the mind games begin.
1. My UncleR is the All Guy Uncle that biosis and I loved as children. He’s also the person that The Boy alter models himself after.
2. ½ sis is the apple of BioDads eye. I was never in the running for being a loved child, but ½ sis de-throned biosis as the favorite. So there is always a subtle competition that I am totally outside of, being a non-person in biodad’s eye and sort of a non-entity in ½ sis’s eyes. So most of the time, I get to listen to BioDad sing 1/2sis’s praises, how involved he is with his grandkids, what new car/house/vacation/etc that he has showered her with, blah blah blah.
3. Que the internal argument of Fuck That Guy, Want to See UncleR, Maybe They Will Love Me This Time, Everyone Just Shut Up, more blah blah blah.
I decide to go, but to leave my options open by meeting up with them and taking my own car. Surprisingly, it starts off very well. I got there after everyone, and a seat is actually left open for me next to Biodad. No one gets up to actually greet me, of course, but that’s expected. The conversation is good, food OK, and we all decide to go to show UncleR the ocean so at least he can say he saw it, before he eventually goes home.
That goes pretty well too. I’m actually able to have some short conversations with UncleR about what we’er seeing, and reconnect a bit. I start to remember the loving man that he is and was. BioDad is pretty crippled up these days, and once it becomes evident that he is starting to tire, we decide to get me back to my car so that the rest of them can drop biosis at her house, and then head back to biodad’s home. SO we head back in the car to the parking lot.
Where, essentially, my biosis who is driving (she is an Uber driver part time so she drives a lot when they are all together in this bigger city) pulls into, not the empty parking lot that I am in, but into a busy in and out pull through, so instead of being able to say proper goodbyes and actually have a moment to hug the Uncle that I will probably not see in another 10+ years, I am, essentially, tossed out like yesterday’s unwanted trash, and they drive off. Abandoned by the side of the road, again. While they, no doubt, head to biosis home, sit for an hour and talk, and then head down the road to biodad’s place. Which is the MO for the few times that I actually know when any of them are in town and meet up, other than Facebook posts.
I did this to myself. We did this to ourselves. Let down the guard and were reminded, again, that “I” am not more than a casual acquaintance. No one asked about me. No one caught up with what I’m doing. At least this time I wasn’t expected to foot the bill for being butt fucked. When will I ever learn? Damn that poor little girl inside that needs to believe that at some point, she will count to them. Damn her and tears for her. The tears just keep rolling down from a deep, dark closet. When am I ever going to learn?