SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

W

How are you doing?

I agree with confused615. I think once you are somewhat convinced that your wife's remorse is real, tell her about this place. There are so many good people on the wayward forum that can offer her guidance, support and encouragement based on their own experiences. My only caveat would be that both of you must commit to not reading each others threads and posts. If you can agree to that, then I think that could help her just as much as it is helping you.

This caught my attention:

That's why it's unfiltered and really unedited and why I am so nervous / embarrassed by it. It's a part of me no one ever sees. Even my wife, because once I say it out loud, I cover it, change it, soften it, sanitize it, etc. I don't do that here. It's kinda liberating actually.

Walloped, this is something you should address for YOU. No matter what happens in the future, it will serve any relationship in a healthy manner - if you can be like this with anyone you are intimately involved with. Including your kids. They should know the real you. Sounds like anyone would be blessed to do so.

I can see what someone posted about pressure to forgive my wife - my daughter didn't say anything, but I can see clearly that she wants things back to normal.

A BS has a unique power, kind of a magic wand. If they wave it everyone’s life can go back to be at least superficially normal. The past is done and can’t be changed so the WS gets kind of a pass. WS is being good now so why does the BS have to be a jerk and make everyone uncomfortable?

I’ve always have been a saver and have a cousin that has always spent his last nickel. He ran into finical trouble and everyone knew that I could just write a check and fix everything for him and the rest of the family could feel good about the situation. Of course I would be the bad guy if didn’t write the check.

I think you're fucking insane (I say that respectully ;) ) to tell anyone about this place until you feel like you have both of your feet planted firmly in ground.

This is effectively W's journal. He can't trust his wife, and if she knows his innermost thought then this place would (potentially) become a conduit for manipulation.

He doens't need a wife who does what these forums tell her today, he needs a wife who truly feels remorse and becomes a better person.

There are other similar outlets which exist which could occur without necessary allowing her to cross the demilitarized zone into his brain. She lost the privilege of knowing his innermost thoughts when she betrayed him. Maybe one day she'll earn back that trust, but it ain't today.

[This message edited by eric1 at 12:10 PM, August 20th (Thursday)]

Walloped. Your writing is off the chart and has been so helpful to me. Reading it is effortless and conveys such deep passion. Please don't stop. It helps us all. Why is it that I feel the karma train has not yet stopped at the POS's station?? Continued blessing to you and your entire family.

I agree with eric1, I would not tell your WW about this site yet, maybe later. For now you need a place to come and vent without worrying if she is reading it.

I know there are some couples on here, I guess it works for them. I did print off lots of material for my WH to read.

I agree with Eric. She does not belong on SI at this time.

When she comes clean on everything. When Walloped feels the onion has been totally peeled back then it is his decision if she learns about this site.

And there is more to come.

Because her head was really up her butt with this OM.

After all that is how she got caught.

She thought she was single and sixteen again.

Good Luck with the counseling tonight Walloped. Go in with no expectations.

I think your girls are awesome.

I hope your oldest steps right in and supports you, her mother and her sisters.

HM

I think it was a good thing that she came clean with you daughters.

she saw them coming down on you and your WW protected YOU, that is a good thing.

I so much love you call to the director, this is part of the exposure that is so key.

So I said in an extremely calm voice, that I wonder how her volunteering and donations will fare when I call every single one of my wife’s co-volunteer’s husbands, as well as the Board members, and the Dinner Chairs, and the journal editors, etc and let them know about POS and that scum like him will likely target their wives next, and moreover that you are perfectly fine with someone like that representing your organization despite the destruction to families, as long as you get a nice check out of it? How much longer do you think you’ll still have your job? She said “You wouldn’t.” Oh – I absolutely would. I don’t care how embarrassing it is for me, I wouldn’t hesitate one iota. “But the kids…” So I said I don’t give a flying fuck about the kids. I care about my family. She then went with “There’s no need…” and I cut her off and I said there’s every need in the world and that I expect her to handle this quickly and appropriately. She finally said I made my point and that she’ll take care of it. I said that she should make sure she does so before the end of the week. Otherwise I start making phone calls. Wished her a good day and hung up.

I too had the mind set "I don't care how embarrassing it is to me"

I am worried that your 19 year old seems so concerned about the family I hope she does not put to much pressure on herself.

I would also agree with the others, that for now that this site should be for you and not your WW just yet, although later on this site can also help her too

I remember you mentioning that your lawyer was going to send a letter (A cease and desist letter) to OM (not to contact your ww), did he send it?

I would consider carbon copying the volunteer organization on this letter.

[This message edited by convert at 1:16 PM, August 20th (Thursday)]

Sorry. Was in a meeting. Got a text from my wife during. Her tests came back negative as well. Pap and HPV were normal. She's at her therapist's with the girls now. But texted that she'll bring home copies of the results for me like I asked.

I'm embarrassed to say this but I wasn't all happy when I saw that text. Somewhere inside I wanted her to have something. Even if it was just a scare. Some kind of divine retribution or even just a slap on the wrist as a consequence of her actions. I know I'm horrible, but I couldn't help it.

So, Mrhealed - I'm kind of okay. See above. I'm functioning and dealing, but my emotions are somewhat all over the place. Mostly, I'm hoping IC will help my girls and I'm nervous about IC tonight. Mostly I'm terrified for what the weekend will bring.

About sharing SI with my wife. I'm pretty hesitant to let my wife in here. She may find out about this place, but it's been a blessing for me - my safe haven so to speak - and her knowing my innermost thoughts and fears at this point would just be too daunting for me, and another whole ball of wax to worry about. Is she saying / doing something only because she read that I commented on it? and so on. So, I'll be a bit selfish and keep this for myself. At least for the foreseeable future.

[This message edited by Walloped at 1:19 PM, August 20th (Thursday)]

I think you're fucking insane (I say that respectully ) to tell anyone about this place until you feel like you have both of your feet planted firmly in ground.

If I had said W should tell her about this place today, then you would be dead on. But I said he should do it when he feels his wife's remorse is genuine. Only W can make that call, and if or when his wife gets there W will know. Sending her here will only help her along on her own path to healing, and that is a good thing for W and his family regardless of whether W chooses R or D.

This is effectively W's journal. He can't trust his wife, and if she knows his innermost thought then this place would (potentially) become a conduit for manipulation.

I get this point, but that is why the only way this will work would be if they refrain from reading each others threads. Without the ability to write their own truths, this venue would be of no help to either. Whether W can trust his wife not to read his posts, and himself not to read hers is something he will have to decide.

He doens't need a wife who does what these forums tell her today, he needs a wife who truly feels remorse and becomes a better person.

That has not been my experience reading the wayward forum. I haven't seen them just telling people what to do to get past this. I see a lot of 2x4's and corrections of wayward thinking. They use their experience to help each other avoid or mitigate some issues that are avoidable like triggers etc. They help newbies see things through the lens of experience, and that can only help W's wife make better decisions in the future.

Tbh though, I would not be surprised if his wife already has access to a site like this. Her 180 from regret to remorse was really quick, quicker than I have ever seen (that's if she is being honest). And if she has then good for her, because that shows she has some urgency to understand wtf she did, and how to best help her BH heal.

convert - He did send the C&D letters. One copy to POS's apartment and one to his house in Connecticut. I assume through messenger service or at least certified / return receipt.

Tbh though, I would not be surprised if his wife already has access to a site like this. Her 180 from regret to remorse was really quick, quicker than I have ever seen (that's if she is being honest). And if she has then good for her, because that shows she has some urgency to understand wtf she did, and how to best help her BH heal.

jigga114 - Maybe. Could very well be. Because this has been nagging at me. She told me the "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" book helped, and I'm sure her sister has been giving her loads of advice and guidance, but I just don't know how honest she's been. I look at the way she dealt with the girls as action - so I can judge that. Her words? Not so much. Maybe she was always remorseful but didn't know how to express it or couldn't deal with it? Maybe she never was and still isn't? The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle, but how it was expressed is based only on what I see and process.

No to belabor this, but I think there are probably a number of different kind of WS’s. There’s the “caught but flips the BS the bird and wants out type.” There’s the “caught and “Oh crap!” self-preservation type.” There’s the “blame everything on the BS type.” Right? And then there’s the ones where being caught was a proverbial hit to the head with a sledgehammer and they see the devastation left in the wake of their selfishness. My wife is a very altruistic person and very selfless. Don’t laugh. That was harder for me to write than for you to read. And that’s what really gets me going and boggles my mind – because her behavior was the epitome of selfishness and it is so incongruous with who she is. But maybe I never really knew her. And then I spiral downward.

So, am I really surprised by her remorse? Not really. Do I trust that she truly is? Not really. Will I know for sure anytime soon? Not really. At least that’s how I’m thinking about all of this.

None of us know our spouse anywhere near as well as we think we do. None of us. Right now you are still in a state of shock and pulling the wool over your eyes is a simple matter for your WW. That's because you want all this pain and confusion and horror to end. You desperately want your old life back - to have things be the way your used to them being. When your drowning in a sea of shit, any old life-raft looks like the Queen Mary.

You can't see any of this now. You are convinced that your wife is different. That her cheating is different. That her remorse is real. You say you know she's a liar and don't believe a word she says but you want to so bad I'm not sure you even want to spot the lies. Please understand, none of this means that you accept her cheating and are not hurting badly and mad as hell. These feeling too are typical of nearly all BH's. But you want your old life back so desperately that your mind is going to trick you whenever possible. You cannot help yourself.

Pretty much all of the posters here are offering help because we know what it's like and we know the mistakes we made and the pain those mistakes caused us. I'm not sure a BH in the wake of d-day will listen and really believe what many of us say. It will sound sensible and reasonable when you read it and you will try to embrace lots of the ideas put forth but, in the end, you cannot do it. At least not yet. I urge you to go back and re-read some of the posts that resonated with you the most every few days. Even the experience you gain in a short amount of time can give you a better perspective as to the advice and observations offered here.

Right now, as your entire world is upside down, if there is one takeaway that I would beg you to understand it is this: your wife is lying to you. She's in panic mode and will lie about absolutely everything related to OM and sex and cheating and contact and - well, you get the picture. If you can truly hold on to this concept then dealing with the crazy drama unfolding will begin to make more sense and get a little easier. Really. Honestly. You are not in an emotional condition to put much of what you read here into action. You will be soon - and more and more ready each day. But until then know that your wife is lying every single time her mouth moves.

Her tests came back negative as well. Pap and HPV were normal.

Some tests rely on detecting antibodies which can take up to six months for the body to make and show up. You both will need to be tested again in six months. If that’s negative then you will be clean. If there is a new sexual contact the clock starts over.

Walloped,

I just read this thread in one go and take this as you will but your updates are a lot more angrier and scattered in the last few days. Getting too much advice maybe ?

And thanks to your writing skill, I can almost feel your emotions(and feel some empathy) when you post. I can only assume you are in the anger phase now.

Threatening her boss was a bit out of character for you. And by doing that, you also exposed your wife to the director and shamed her to all her coworkers. Does she deserve it ? Maybe but I find it highly out of character for you and the way you went about it until now. Your anger at that moment made you forget that you are also humiliating her. What is the POS going to do ? Worst case, he will quit and do it at a different organization. And if her organization is like any other charity, you can assume what will happen now. Women who have been jealous all this time about her success will use this to put her down and all her work in the organization until now.

Please do not take my post negatively. Getting him removed from his position in the charity accomplishes nothing. If I were you, I would really hurt him where it hurts. This isn't enough. Not even close.

Maybe you should reach out to his wife again and see if she has anything else to share.

You need a healthy outlet for your anger. Do you lift ? get into some kind of fitness program.

About sharing SI with my wife. I'm pretty hesitant to let my wife in here. She may find out about this place, but it's been a blessing for me - my safe haven so to speak - and her knowing my innermost thoughts and fears at this point would just be too daunting for me, and another whole ball of wax to worry about. Is she saying / doing something only because she read that I commented on it? and so on. So, I'll be a bit selfish and keep this for myself. At least for the foreseeable future.

I wouldn't tell your wife about this site, at least not for a long time, until positions are verified and can be seen as consolidated.

I think that suggesting you bring her here at this moment is just terrible advice. She seems to be doing and saying all the right things, and we all pray it is so, but it's too soon to be sure, and if she's not being true, you would just give the "enemy" access to your battleplan.

Don't do it.

[This message edited by italianjob at 3:30 PM, August 20th (Thursday)]

Walloped

You are DOING FINE. You handled the situation at your wife's volunteering organization like a pro. You were decisive. Everything else is just noise.

And that is why I have faith you will be fine. You are being decisive. While they may or may not be the best decisions, you are MOVING FORWARD. It may not seem like it to you, but seriously, taking action beats indecision for the BH >100x.

You've told your kids. You've tried to sever contact. You've let your wife understand your position. You are getting your lawyer to draw up favorable terms and present them to your wife. You've taken action to make the OM a lot less comfortable (exposing to his wife, charity). All of that may seem like obvious steps, but believe me, 90% of the BHs that reach this site can't take two of those sized steps, much less all that you have done.

And with each step, you are getting your strength back. Oh yes, it will hurt like hell. And each step of healing will be met with a counterpunch. But you are healing.

Keep focusing on what you need, healing your kids, and most of all, your personal healing.

I still recommend, when you feel you can approach it with a level and detached analysis, that you reflect on your marriage and the problems you had with it. Not to move to you to D, but to help you build a narrative should you want to recover it. Never underestimate the power of a good turnaround story, and if you can envision that in your mind, maybe, just maybe, you can see a way to reconcile and make things better for you.

If not, you'll have a favorable settlement in hand :)

Strength to you brother. You are doing fine.

You mentioned earlier that OM is wealthy and that WW told you he took her to high end restaurants. I would ask her what if any gifts OM gave her and where are they now?

I agree with you about WS not being perfect. They wouldn't be in this mess if they were. I also found my fWH had a lying mindset at first. He had to get accustomed to telling full truth again. I allowed him this....

Another thing is boundaries. Does your wife routinely talk to people she works with about her M problems like she did OM. Is it possible she was already accustomed to being too open with people. If so thats something she needs to work on and change. The book Not Just Friends explains this well.

Are your kids going to use same IC as your WW? Would it better for them to see your IC or different IC?