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N P D Thread - Part 14

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southsidecali posted 8/1/2014 00:52 AM

Thought I'd share the parting shot of exnpd at our mediation.

We are sitting within clear view of street parking with my car in sight and he started muttering unbelievable, snickering, semi laughing shaking his head. I ignore him don't turn to look in the direction he is looking but then he gives up and asks me if I have my grandma with me.

I looked at my parked car and asked him, are u going to try an accuse me of elder abuse now and imply I left her in car?

He said, you have the handicap placArd and she's not even with u and your taking advantage of that. I just shook my head and said uhmm that free. Parking, I don't need the placard and. An park there since it's free anyways. Wow I asked the mediator that is free parking right? She was fed up at that point and said she didn't know.

Yes he's judging me for not removing the handicap placard while parked on the street free parking area...

DrJekyll posted 8/1/2014 09:21 AM

sorry to hear that your mediation didn't go well. I guess that the hope of them doing the right thing "dies hard" always freaking parting shots. It seems that they always want that last word to linger in our minds to continue to hurt us. Sorry you are going through this.

As far as my NC. she sent 3 texts within 2 hours after I called her out last Saturday. about taking the shot against my BS. I did not respond to any of them. So doing well at this point.

southsidecali posted 8/1/2014 15:47 PM

Thanks.. I'm still iffy about how the mediators take.

She definitely snapped at me and ended the mtg with it's 4pm- we aren't going to agree, I sign therapy release pprs and wait for my recommendation.

I HOPE she does even basic due diligence and follows up with therapist- that should help turn the tide and not have me seem like the bitter ex.

I am seeing 2 attny today to help me just in case. I have tons if evidence to support my side but family law is tricky-they have a evidence code or something like that. Due to all the crap I have I need help in packaging it for presentation and cutting the costs from attnys.

I'm going to take vacays next week- I need break form madness. He's getting attention I suppose but not the kind he is going to enjoy once I go to court.

It stinks that my kids are little but this is a lifelong struggle for them, unfortunately, all I can do is try to help them deal with the situation.

It is hard though, because hope is the last thing to die. I am not hopeful because I have accepted who he is, I struggle with being hopeful for our kids that maybe 1 day for them.

nekorb posted 8/2/2014 20:40 PM

Hey everyone - thanks for the hugs and support. I'm on the mend. This shit is still SORE! And still looks like crap, but it's healing, so that's ok. I know it won't be there forever...

TIKY: glad all is working out with the kitty.

Dr. J: you know that the "final" .....whatever....can be as simple as just not replying to her....ever.....right? Do NOT feed the crazies, you know? Every word you say will inspire 2-3 in response from her. Nothing you say will sink in or make a difference, and in the end will leave you frustrated that she still didn't hear you. Just walk away quietly, dude. Seriously. I know it doesn't have a lot of bite to it, but that shouldn't be the point or the goal right now.

SSC: I'm so sorry it didn't go well. I hope the next step yields better results and that the mediator talks to the therapists.

Tribe, why is it that they blame us for *everything*? He tells the kids half truths, tells everyone half truths, really....always to paint himself in the victim role.

When is he going to stop blaming me? Why can't he see so much of this is his own mess that he made?

jjct posted 8/3/2014 08:44 AM

When is he going to stop blaming me?

The real question to ask yourself is why does it matter to you?
Yeah nekorb, sounds harsh, I know dear, but listen,
Let It Go.

Why can't he see so much of this is his own mess that he made?

As above. Let It Go.

You see. Doncha?
That's all that matters.

Kajem posted 8/3/2014 22:57 PM


jj's right!

I've been divorced 11 years next month and I'm still being blamed. I haven't spoken to him since January 2013, this weekend he moved youngest to college and made some remark to her about me.

With them everything is a competition. The object is that they win, if they don't win they keep on competing/ battle is also a way to compete.


caregiver9000 posted 8/3/2014 23:12 PM

JJ is right. (I wish I had a nickel for every time I typed that!!! )

Never. Of course I can't say for certain because I created a Stretch free zone as much as possible. I don't talk to people that talk to him. I have him blocked on FB. I don't chat with him or ask him questions. I assume EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth is a lie, has a selfish self serving motive, and other than what my kids repeat, I have little knowledge of his life or his blaming.

Certainly, nothing was ever his fault when we were married. Conspiracy theorist? oh, yes. People were out to get him, he worked for idiots, no one was as smart as he was, everyone was jealous of him, all females wanted him, rules were for schmucks, and I never heard him say "I'm sorry" ever. So I would guess that the trend continues and that the horrible ex wife is to blame for whatever he can't blame on anyone else.

caregiver9000 posted 8/3/2014 23:16 PM


Yes he's judging me for not removing the handicap placard while parked on the street free parking area...

Really, he is just trying to bait you, or get you to blame you. He doesn't honestly care if you use the handicap parking. He is trying to "prove" that you are "less" because he enjoys that dynamic.

You can't win. Even if the mediator had agreed with you. Shoot, if you'd had a thousand people stand up and state the TRUTH it would not change his tune. Who knows what he thinks or believes, but he will use opportunities like this or things he makes up to paint you as something that he can make fun of and put down. Stop listening or trying to out argue him. You will feel better, trust me.

You know your truth and your character. Do not expect him to ever recognize it.

southsidecali posted 8/4/2014 02:03 AM

Care- I know that!

He knows I am better than him but still has to try and make himself feel better.

He had previously ignored me- I also goad him some. I put a book near him about " how to be a healthy divorced dad " and said oh this will definitely teach you. He of course pretended he didn't hear me and then turned his back, I just laughed.

He emailed me asking for visitation

I am requesting visitation this Wednesday from 9 am to 6 pm. Please respond with a yes or a no. Thank you.

He's gonna get crickets, poor sap gets Sunday 1-6pm per our court order- still thinks he's going to call the shots- ha.

nekorb posted 8/6/2014 20:05 PM

SSC - that reminded me of the notes we used to pass to the boys in grade school....

Do you like me? Please circle one:

Yes. No.

I'm trying to give your ex credit for wanting to see the kids though. Trying.

Quakingaspen posted 8/8/2014 10:42 AM


Good vibes going out for all of you.

I've been busy trying to get myself and the aspenlets settled, trying to just have faith that everything will be great, and doing a fair job of it until this week. Agh.

I am practically paralyzed with the fear that I have made a terrible strategic error. I moved myself and the kids (with Prestone's reluctant and limited cooperation) out of the state we were living in to the state where we are from. Therefore, I must wait six months to become a legal resident of my current state in order to file legal action, but can achieve divorce faster in this state once that six months is up than I would have if I had stayed where I was. Provided of course that Prestone values his job and reputation enough to go along with the no-fault agreement we had started working on. I did this because I just couldn't do everything (the move and the legal separation), and if I'm being completely honest, I think there was a part of me holding out that just maybe I was wrong and he really isn't the giant douchecanoe I think he is. (Strike that, I KNOW he is. Repeat it. Over and over and over.)

So he's paying what we'd agreed he would (saving appearances). But, he's been asking me for money, and the only thing about me he seems to care about is whether I have a job yet. I just know as soon as I do have a job, he's going to start fighting me for every friggin penny. And yeah, it still stings a bit the lack of respect, lack of caring, total bitterness and blame coming from him.

Meanwhile, I am not having an easy time finding a job.

And, after not talking at all to the kids pretty much for a month, he wanted to talk to them after their first day, talked to the younger two, but when the oldest said hello, he hung up. ?!?!?!?!

He sent me an email letting me know he would like to come visit "when you think its a good time". Um, I'm thinking never. If he thinks he's going to weasel into me inviting him to my home he's friggin insane. I feel safe here. I don't want to let him in to poison it. He's getting crickets. If he makes a plan to come, and gets himself a hotel, he can see the kids. His wish is not my command anymore.

Have an appointment Monday to visit the local DV shelter. I need some advice about how to do this now.

Kajem posted 8/8/2014 17:18 PM


Yay for landing in a new/old place with the aspenlets.

As for what to do to prepare for the DV advocate, explain your history (briefly) outline your goals ( residency, job, divorce). And ask for guidance. They may have support groups (mine did) for you and the kids, they most likely have a legal advocate etc. find out what resources they have and can you avail yourself of them.

My DV shelter offered the women hiding from their abusers free group therapy. Ladies like me paid on a sliding scale.


Faithsurviver posted 8/10/2014 20:24 PM

Never. Of course I can't say for certain because I created a Stretch free zone as much as possible. I don't talk to people that talk to him. I have him blocked on FB. I don't chat with him or ask him questions. I assume EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth is a lie, has a selfish self serving motive, and other than what my kids repeat, I have little knowledge of his life or his blaming.

I've been divorced from XNPD since 2010 and that's how I have been able to survive...NC

cantaccept posted 8/11/2014 11:13 AM


It really hit me when you asked, when will he stop blaming me. I agree with everyone else, never.

It reminded me of a conversation that I had with x a few months ago.

He always blamed me and accused me of the craziest things, everything was my fault.

I asked him, when he was in a meek, kind of "reflective" mood. "when you call me names, such as whore and slut, or accuse me of cheating on you or lying to you, do you really believe those things? Is there some kernel of truth in there, something that really makes you think that or is it just to hurt?"

His reply was, "I do just to hurt you. There is no truth to it but when I am angry I will say anything to make you feel bad".

I think that is a pretty clear picture of their minds. The truth does not matter. They will say whatever will cause the most pain. They know your soft spots, your vulnerability and will use that knowledge to hurt you.

I asked him that question because I had been saying some hurtful things to him, something I had never done before, never. I realized though that what I said was the truth, I was not just pulling things out of thin air!

We just don't think like they do. Just remind yourself when he blames you or belittles you, even he does not really believe what he says, he does not care that it is not true, the goal is to hurt you, remember that. Remember who you are, who you really are, let his words drift away, they mean nothing at all. His words do not define who you are, you do that, you know who you are.

Just a little update, I am divorced, 8/5/14! I am so damn fucking happy!!! I am so surprised by the way I feel. I think that maybe I did the grieving and the soul searching prior to D. I did have a year after dday #1 to strengthen myself and then 8 months after dday#2 to focus on me and a new life.

I honestly expected for the intense pain to return, it didn't, it lifted.

Surprised but happy. All week at work others who don't know me well, customers have been commenting on how happy I seem, twice I had two different people use the word, "glowing". That made my day, lol.

I am sleeping well finally, no nightmares, for 5 mornings in a row now, huge step for me, my first thought has not been of this craziness. One morning I woke up with a song in my head and started singing as soon as I opened my eyes.

Just a bit of hope for all of you still in the "process", there is light, there is life, there is some peace and relief.

He is still sending emails but the difference is now, I know, in my gut, my head, my heart, empty words. I know that they don't mean anything to him so why should they mean anything to me??? They don't. I am closing this email soon because it contains my married last name and that is not who I am anymore. So, that will end too, I just need to complete notifying my friends and family and bills and such of the new one.

Then that door will be closed too.

I hope that this helps someone to have faith that it does get better. I am 6 days divorced, I had to count! Already I feel like my life has shifted, in such a positive way.

Compartmented posted 8/11/2014 16:33 PM

I am divorced, 8/5/14! I am so damn fucking happy!!!
Congrat's Can't! So excited for you. I know what you mean about not grieving. Same for me. I had a whole lot of relief and peacefulness instead!!

Rock on! I'm doin' the happy dance for ya'!

Kajem posted 8/12/2014 09:32 AM

I'm joining compartmented in the happy dance for you, Can.

His reply was, "I do just to hurt you. There is no truth to it but when I am angry I will say anything to make you feel bad".

You got a rare glimpse into the NPD mind and how they fluck with hours.

When XSO (I'm not sure if he's truly NPD or just MLC) started down the path of telling me I hated him and I was out to hurt him ( just like NPDXH) I explained why I had to do what I was doing. That I wasn't out to hurt him. His response was "in all the years he saw me dealing with XH and NW, I was never vindictive. "

That statement makes me think XSO might not be NPD.

Anyway doing the happy dance... And g2gs are forming in fun and games if you're interested. 😊

jjct posted 8/13/2014 09:23 AM

CAN - I am so very happy for you!
Here's my happy-dance from my day of freedom!

Gettin all jiggy!
(& gtg...possibly? I hope!)

ruby44 posted 8/13/2014 17:29 PM

Hello all,
New here and trying to decide if my STBXH is NPD or not. I have to admit that he had a very high opinion of himself before the A but now it is just ramped up. His emails are filled with how successful he is in his career and how I never supported or cared about him. blah blah blah. He fluctuates so much between being my old H to this new pod person. It is almost like an internal struggle. No he wont go to IC or MC sees the problem in our marriage as all my fault. I guess I need to sit down and put my story in my profile.
But here is my question out of the blue this morning he sends me a text (he is out of town on business and I told him to text me when he arrived) Here is what I got.

I became a ( position high up in his agency) on sunday. Something less than 1% of employees achieve. I am moving to (state 2000 miles away and the affair state) Your lack of caring and unwillingness to get off it and moves hurts so deeply I sometimes struggle to go on living.....
it continues on to give specific examples of how horrible I am. I replied telling him that I did not want to have this kind of conversation via text and that I would call him when I got home from work.
My question is should I take the veiled threat of suicide seriously or is this something that NPD personalities do to get the attention they are looking for. Please help I feel like I am drowning.

caregiver9000 posted 8/13/2014 20:43 PM

((hugs)) and welcome to the Tribe. As much as you look to his behaviors when trying to define him as NPD or not, look at your reactions to him as well. Sometimes I think it is clearer to see the damage the N leaves in their wake than it is to nail down the "pretender" and determine what is real or not. Since the lack of empathy and the empty soul are common to many NPD, it is hard to define what "isn't."

The little bit of his text that you posted read as melodramatic to me and very ME ME ME and YOU are so horrible to ME. It certainly reads selfish and the attack on you to deflect from him and his behaviors and flaws is common. Also the bragging, lest you forgot he is in the top 1% and HOW could you NOT follow him blindly since he is so wonderful???

The reference to suicide is one that has been shared before so it may be common. Of course, the N loves themself far too much... Other members have called and reported the threat to authorities which seems to limit the N using it as a threat more than once.

southsidecali posted 8/14/2014 01:36 AM

I think all use the threats of suicide definitely once, depending on how you react they will continue using it.

When mine used it, I just responded coldly that the main drag street was about 40 yards away if he was set on that to knock himself out but that he would not be using that as an emotional feel sorry for me.

He never used it again.

I would stop responding- any attention whether negative or positive is what they are looking for. He is hoovering for anything, If you are divorced or on way stick to kids only.

Cut his ego feed off.

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