It really hit me when you asked, when will he stop blaming me. I agree with everyone else, never.
It reminded me of a conversation that I had with x a few months ago.
He always blamed me and accused me of the craziest things, everything was my fault.
I asked him, when he was in a meek, kind of "reflective" mood. "when you call me names, such as whore and slut, or accuse me of cheating on you or lying to you, do you really believe those things? Is there some kernel of truth in there, something that really makes you think that or is it just to hurt?"
His reply was, "I do just to hurt you. There is no truth to it but when I am angry I will say anything to make you feel bad".
I think that is a pretty clear picture of their minds. The truth does not matter. They will say whatever will cause the most pain. They know your soft spots, your vulnerability and will use that knowledge to hurt you.
I asked him that question because I had been saying some hurtful things to him, something I had never done before, never. I realized though that what I said was the truth, I was not just pulling things out of thin air!
We just don't think like they do. Just remind yourself when he blames you or belittles you, even he does not really believe what he says, he does not care that it is not true, the goal is to hurt you, remember that. Remember who you are, who you really are, let his words drift away, they mean nothing at all. His words do not define who you are, you do that, you know who you are.
Just a little update, I am divorced, 8/5/14! I am so damn fucking happy!!! I am so surprised by the way I feel. I think that maybe I did the grieving and the soul searching prior to D. I did have a year after dday #1 to strengthen myself and then 8 months after dday#2 to focus on me and a new life.
I honestly expected for the intense pain to return, it didn't, it lifted.
Surprised but happy. All week at work others who don't know me well, customers have been commenting on how happy I seem, twice I had two different people use the word, "glowing". That made my day, lol.
I am sleeping well finally, no nightmares, for 5 mornings in a row now, huge step for me, my first thought has not been of this craziness. One morning I woke up with a song in my head and started singing as soon as I opened my eyes.
Just a bit of hope for all of you still in the "process", there is light, there is life, there is some peace and relief.
He is still sending emails but the difference is now, I know, in my gut, my head, my heart, empty words. I know that they don't mean anything to him so why should they mean anything to me??? They don't. I am closing this email soon because it contains my married last name and that is not who I am anymore. So, that will end too, I just need to complete notifying my friends and family and bills and such of the new one.
Then that door will be closed too.
I hope that this helps someone to have faith that it does get better. I am 6 days divorced, I had to count! Already I feel like my life has shifted, in such a positive way.