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N P D Thread - Part 14

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TigerLilyxx posted 1/28/2015 08:41 AM

Posted in SA, but it was suggested that NPD may be a good fit, in addition or instead????

I honestly do not know if my husband is a sex addict and/or NPD or not. He is definitely OCD, but how helpful are labels anyway?

Why I wonder if NPD instead of SA. . .In reading Out of the Shadows, there was a lot of talk about the SA feeling guilt and shame over the actions and being unable to stop them, even though they want to stop the actions. And, that just wasn't the case for my husband. He talks a lot about this self-pity, an addiction to self-pity that fueled his anger and sense of entitlement. He says he was addicted to this self-pity and I can see how it has shown itself in other areas of his life too. It does seem to be a root issue. Now, in our reconciliation, he says he does not actually struggle with desire for sex with others at all, but what he struggles with is letting himself fall into the self-pity trap. He sees it, feels it and is learning how to stop it in its tracks.

Does it matter if we have the label of SA, NPD or not? Does that really make a difference in his and our healing? His self-pity was/is about not having had the experiences that he thinks others got to have in their childhood, teen and college years. This self-pity fueled an anger and sense of entitlement to seek "justice" for the lack of these things (not just sexual related). And, in ways that had no care for the consequences, he says he buried his head in the sand, telling himself that there would be no consequences because he was owed these experiences.

I see him confronting these, but do wonder about these labels for him. SA just doesn't quite seem to fit. And, not sure about NPD. This is why I say he suffered from SOB (Selfish Oppressive Bastard) syndrome instead.


You can see his history in my profile. Thanks all.

MonsterIMarried posted 1/28/2015 15:11 PM

My husband is the most pitiful SOB I have ever met. I think he uses it for many reasons. The main one is so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions. Being the victim allows for him to skate consequences in his own head. Another reason I think is to lure people in because he acts harmless and wants people to take down their guards, uses them for sex, or companionship and the discards them when they are no longer of use to him or they catch on to his act.

Kajem posted 1/29/2015 13:36 PM

My XH is what my therapist called a Covert Narc. I labelled him martyr, long before she said that. Everything he did was for others (just ask him) he gave and gave and gave (not really) and he felt he was owed, no matter what price had to be paid. After all, someone else was paying it.. Not him.

He twists the simplest stuff around to him being taken advantage of. When ots mostly the consequences of his actions coming to him.

Does it matter the label? I don't think so. What matters is that he work on HIMSELF in IC/MC, that he becomes honest and authentic with you, that you feel safe with him. If he isn't working toward these goals.....then I think its hopeless to even try.

Don't ask him I he feels he can do the work, they feel they can do anything. He isn't a good judge of what he is honestly capable of. You will have to trust your gut, if he is doing the work. Give yourself a time frame to see improvements, if you don't...then you can make decisions to stay, go, or extend your timeframe.


TigerLilyxx posted 1/30/2015 08:19 AM


Thank you. I don't know what to make of this NPD because, yes he definitely was focused completely on himself and nobody else, only in as much as they would meet his "needs." He was very selfish in so very many ways, really only thinking about himself for so many years.

I keep hearing that if he is NPD, his mask will fall. The thing is it has been 2.5 years and I don't see the mask falling. So, I wonder if there is no mask. Maybe the previous life really was about a refusal to grow-up and focus on self-pity. Maybe the shock of almost losing me and our children, made him really start having to face his demons, start thinking of others, and really focus on letting go of the self-pity. But, maybe he is just really really good at keeping that mask going?

Kajem posted 1/31/2015 12:47 PM

My xh's mask did fall, after I saw his manipulations, lies, etc. Don't get me wrong, I didn't see it till I was a couple of years AWAY from him, and my diagnosis of him (mlc) wasn't adding up. A friend from the mlc board pointed me toward npd....at the same time my therapist did.

You're seeing his manipulations, and his reasons. The problem I had with my XH, there were times he manipulated because he felt like it. No gain for him, well other than feeling smug and superior for having controlled someone to do something. Even if that something was a wrong assumption.

Once you see behind the mask, he has 3 choices, come clean and hope you will stay.. Or hide it and hope you stay, ...or come clean and manipulate you so you stay. YOU on the other hand, have many choices to make.

I hope he is doing the hard work necessary to become a better partner. Most couldn't be bothered, its easier to find a new victim.


Futurefear posted 2/2/2015 10:56 AM

He's ramping up the ugly:
In short-
The dirty whore was at the house (she isn't to be there), he had her drive a different car and park across the street...
The sheriff was at our house on my DD 9th birthday-my attorney finally sent a letter stating these are our terms period and if he doesn't like it then boom-temporary custody of kids, house and depositions on him and the GF.
So...he has gone from I never wanted a divorce, why are you doing this to me/us, how did my life get so screwed up, I guess these are my consequences for my choices, please don't take my kids from me, they are the only thing that makes me smile...
Ummmm...he disappeared for the past day and a half-went to work and didn't bother calling or anything. I have been taking care of house and kids, 2 are sick and this morning I was chastised for not letting him know that they were sick. Well since you are so concerned about your kids, call and check on them yourself douchebag...but 'you are having too much FUN to remember that you have 3 kids so...'.
I feel like this will never end. He is always trying to negotiate and figure out my next step. I have no next step-either he signs my proposal or we go to court. Period.
I've already lived in the hell for over a year with him disrespecting me, the kids, everything because 'he wasn't going to stop living his life just because I filed'.
I'm tired.

Kajem posted 2/5/2015 11:41 AM


You're sounding powerful. YOU hold the cards... He will learn that fact, and not like it one bit.


nekorb posted 2/12/2015 20:19 PM


Just popping in to let you all know I'm ok. My atty has some really strict rules about social media/Internet so I've been staying off the boards. I'm about half afraid of him after seeing how he deals with Cat (in jest, of course....). I'm making I sure I stay on his good side. Lol

Divorce is going slower than shit. I'll be back as soon as I can. I miss you guys.

Hope you all are well. Know I'm thinking of you all even if I'm not here!


southsidecali posted 2/14/2015 02:44 AM

Good to see u back even if temp nekorb!

I haven't checked in awhile here mostly the d/s and trying to keep busy with life but the occasional npd flare up makes me a little stressed.

This wknd my youngest had a meltdown because she first wanted to visit with dad and when reality set in that she was not going to be traveling with me& her brother and end up with her dad alone- she broke down.

He's always threatening with taking me back to court if they don't visit. Even though I'm the emails they send him he never will be the bad guy and tell /force them to spend time with him.

I had youngest call Therapist and had her walk through the visitation and I sent off email of situation and I was just so fed up that I was going to force her to go- because he of course blames me...

Long story short, the therapist said ignore him take her and u documented things he has already hinted at walking away from kids in one of our meetings. He's going to go away you will see.

Sure enough I got this email of him ranting at me- threatening at filing to revoke his parental rights.

I have had no contact with him- nothing for over a month. That email was first time since jan visit- it back to crickets.

Part of me wants to jump and poke@ him by reminding him that everyone is well aware how well versed he is with filing stuff with the courts and I'm sure he can figure out how to file to have his rights terminated... But I wont....because that would give him narc supply.

Compartmented posted 2/14/2015 11:49 AM


So good to see you on the site! It sounds like your attorney has good experience. I hope you are doing well, and I hope that you will come back after you can and let us know how you are doing and coping. Hope your children are doing well!!

GreatRoleModel posted 2/14/2015 12:05 PM

Nekorb so glad to see you popped in for a bit and look forward to you being able to post again as that means the D is final! Hope and you and your kids are well and coping as best you all can. Remember you always have the Tribe behind you. Take care.

Ashland13 posted 2/14/2015 13:05 PM

There was a post in here about labels and if they are necessary. My opinion is that they help because they gave me something to read when I struggled with nc at the beginning. When I mentioned labels to mc or ics they helped intensely, by counselors ability to get further in sessions for ic then had other avenues to search. It was even fun to hear they would question x to diagnose him w/out him even realizing it.

And don't forget, I'm learning that his royal npd self has patterns in behavior just like we all do. The patterns will change when we change our own, as often I find, he is working without thinking off of what I say and do or on the defensive. When I think of him always feeling defensive of me and he thinks I'm his enemy, it helps my thinking and planning of any interaction.

And npd and sex addiction can be within one person, like x has. It can be hidden like other red flags and here it came bursting out in times of great stress for him-which was actually ow's impatience.

Futurefear posted 2/15/2015 14:23 PM

Just when I think the douchebag can't surprise me anymore-he proves me wrong!
He disappeared Friday night after DD 9 basketball game-not a sound, peep. Nothing.
The dirty whore transferred to his shift and they spend all night chit chatting and house hunting!!
The kicker is, her parents have no idea that he is married with 3 kids! None at all. Think he's fabulous
Unfricking believeable-and he's (they) are fighting me for custody...no way.
Hurt me but once you start to hurt the kids...game on. My daughters think their daddy doesn't love them anymore, he tells them he just doesn't want to be around Mommy, that is why he's not home...truth is, he's erasing them, moved on. Jerk.

Kajem posted 2/15/2015 14:40 PM

Welcome back nekorb, you've been missed.

An internet friend asked me if I thought xh might be npd. I had to look it up! I asked my therapist (ours during mc, then he stopped going) her words were she "could see it, but no official diagnosis. I don't need an official diagnosis, I just need to deal with him effectively. And help my kids having gate that relationship in a healthy way.

I always suspected I was the problem, he told me enough times. But it really wasn't me....its him.


annoyed posted 2/16/2015 17:31 PM

Hi everyone,
It has been several years since I have posted anything in here, but I have appreciated having this forum to remind myself that I am not alone in dealing with someone like my ex. What brings me back here today is a need to vent so I can move on .....again.
My NPD ex left for the woman he was cheating with. Married her and they have two kids (3 and 2). He and I share custody of a 10 year old son, who was and is the only good thing that ever came out of this guy coming into my life. Over the years, he has sneakily made adjustments to hde income to avoid paying me more cs, he has said inappropriate things about me to my son, you know, the usual.
since getting my head back on straight after dealing wiht his bullshit, i met a wonderful man and we also had two beautiful girls together, now 3 and 1. We recently decided to have a 4th and were so excited to complete our family. My son excitedly told my ex and he went on and on "was this planned? no way, never in hell would we ever go for more, we would never get in over or heads like that, better you than me, and on and fucking on."
well, guess what. 5 weeks later, there is of course an elaborate dramatic story about how she had to go to the er bc she was bleeding unepectedly and surprise to all of them, she tested positive for being pregnant. that asshole seriously couldn't and will never stop competing with me. i just want to live my life. he didn't want it, and all he does is insert his bullshit into everything i do. i appreciate having this space to vent and any feedback is appreciated. only someone who has dealt with these freaks can truyly understand how beyond aggravating and infuriating this is.

Kajem posted 2/19/2015 11:56 AM

Welcome back!!!

It used to make me crazy that he was doing the one up dance, when all I was doing was trying to hold on. He would take my kids on trips to visit her family, I couldn't afford to take trips to visit my family. They came to us. He'd get possessive about his parenting time ie they couldn't stay at my house when my brother from Alaska visited because it was during his week! That went over with my kids like a lead balloon. They TOLD him they were switching weeks. Wendy's has a promotion, cut a specific number of coupons from a drink and send in for airline tickets. I figured out it would cost something like $35 for the drinks and get a round trip ticket from a particular airline. We drank Wendy's till we were floating in it. We ended up getting 8 round trip tickets to anywhere the airline flew. We went to Colorado visited friends, then traveled to the Grand Canyon, camped there and returned to Colorado to head back home. The 10 days cost $1000 for 6 of us. My kids remember it and enjoyed it.

I made it a point to work hard keeping my home as free from his drama as much as possible. It became a necessity when my DD20 became unexpectedly pregnant and they upped their drama something fierce. A result of that was stress on DD to the point dr was worried about her and the baby.

Don't get me wrong, I felt the drama and brought it to friends, they helped me remain drama free at home. I couldn't NOT be affected by worrying about my DD and grandbaby. The vindictive crap they were pulling even had his parents wondering who he was?

Keep bringing it here, in due time, you'll be so busy, his drama won't matter. Your life will be much more important and his antics will leave you shaking your head and moving on to something more important.


downintx posted 2/19/2015 17:43 PM

Is there a thread on BDP - borderline personality disorder on this forum? I believe my wife is all over the spectrum as far as personality disorders go - ranging from OCD-NPD-BDP. She has more of the BDP traits, which include sexual promiscuity and just from reading some of the stories on here, I would guess that so many of the wayward spouses are borderline and their spouses do not even know it. It would be interesting to see how many others on here know it, or do people just generally refrain for labeling one another.

[This message edited by downintx at 5:44 PM, February 19th (Thursday)]

southsidecali posted 2/19/2015 22:30 PM

My ex is ramping up, I am afraid that he is at the point where I might have to file to take him back to court.

This morning I received this email / and eventually a call from a Stranger.

Hi, my name is Sun and I just wanted to let you know that I was going to rent a room from Exnpd and Fiancee but I changed my mind. That Exnpd is a Real Loser I'll tell you what. You don't know me but I just thought you had a right to know that they were talking Really bad about you and saying all kinds of horrible things about you , also Fiancee is going around showing people including me the e mails between you and Exnpd regarding your children and visitation. I think that's kind of fucked up and unfair to you. Also you might be interested in knowing that the person they rent the room to , they are not checking references or doing a background check. That Exnpd is a Real controlling piece of shit isn't he? Well if you want to know more you can call me at 111-111-1111, that's my cell.

We finally talked and she shared so much crap that they showed gave her copies of.. Court papers with me& kids info on there showed her pics & texts- whole lot of stuff.

This is a stranger from craigslist - they put an ad out and she responded- went to see room and they started on her over 2-3 days of her looking@ room/meeting their landlord and just finally decided to pass. The latest email the fiancée forwarded to her was this past weekend visitation issue with the kids refusing to visit with him.

Wwyd-ramp up their crazy by filing tro if that's even possible or exparte for custody emergency order to stop overnight visitation due to the "Roomate" situation.


Kajem posted 2/20/2015 12:31 PM


I'm not sure you can do anything preventive. I think nature_girl found that out the hard way. Her XH's roommate 'cake man' was grooming her kids. She knew it tried to curtail it, her XH did nothing until the police caught roomie peeking into the windows of her house. Or something like that.

Ask n_g. It sucks when they like bringing strangers onto their side.... Makes them look like middle schoolers. I don't like Cali, and if you want to be my friend, you won't like her either. Here's the reasons you don't like her.

Yep, middle school

Sending strength,

Kajem posted 2/24/2015 08:49 AM


No BPD allotted room. Sorry.

I agree it seems there are several folks with BPD waywards on SI. Does sexual promiscuity and BPD usually go together? From what I've read here, Childhood Sexual Abuse victims go to one extreme or the other in that area. Could your WW have been SA as a child?

As for a thread dealing with bipolar issues, you can always ask to have one started. If the owners see a need, it could happen.

Hugs and welcome to the tribe.

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