SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone,

First off thank you all for the advice you have given me and I am sorry for what you are all going through. At least we have SI and eachother to assist. This site has helped me imensly.

Ok, so my cheating wife had a one year affair which continued for 6 months while were were in R. I moved out 2 months ago.

Here is my issue. I am angry. During the 1.5 year affair my WS did so many fun things with the OP. She even told our therapist "I had fun" when he asked wher what she learned after having an A.

Now im living in a bedroom at my mothers. All of my stuff is crammed in one tiny room. My larger items are boxed up with my took and house projects at my marital home.

My wife is in out nice big comfy house we built. The OP is single and has his own house. He lives comfortably and lives his life as before.

I came frome a house we built. I have tons of tools and car stuff. Me and our 11 year old son had so many little ongoing tinker projects in the garage.

So to sum it up, they fucked around and had fun, I suffer for it emotionally, and now I am the one that loses it all.

Where is justice???

((((PRNDL))))

I'm so sorry for your anger and pain.

Yes, that is one of the hardest, most frustrating things about this shit sandwich - the INJUSTICE of it all. I know it's not what you signed up for when you M.

Work to detach, to stop thinking about THEM. You do what you can to rebuild your own life. (and yeah, I know how hard that is - I should take my own advice).

Sending you strength.

((((PRNDL))))

She had fun? That's what she learned? Not, my actions have consequences?

The INJUSTICE is the worst part of this shit sandwich. It took me months to swallow that piece. And still it sits like a rock in my gut.

Someday, I hope your WW actually learns WTF happened and how broken she really was/is. I can say that after my fWW left the fog, my image of her having "all the fun" while I suffered was a big illusion. Once a WS realizes the depth of their brokenness and looks into their blackened soul they don't look at the A with ANY fondness. They shudder to look at it.

Sometimes, I'm glad I'm the BS (I'd rather not be either of course). How awful that must be to be fWS...to look at yourself with disdain. That's the reason many don't come around. As long as they stay wayward, they don't have to see the horrid, ugly truth.

I know how you feel brother.

There is no justice. Only recovery.

Oh, the similar emotions.

"where's the justice?" "You have the affair, I get the pain"

Both lines I've uttered in despair several times. People can do the worst, inconsiderate things to other people, and there is no way to stop it. Its unfortunate the world works that way.

I understand completely. My WS messed around with escorts, online porn, and is a SA. He was living in a condo on the beach, which was our dream, and which we had just bought right before I found out and we broke up. So I never even got to stay in it, not one day. So when I left, he was living on the beach, having parties, living OUR dream, and I was stuck back in the midwest, dealing with the elements and a tiny broken down house that we were going to sell so I could move to be with him.

Not only that, but he ran up the credit card bill that was in MY name only and I will be stuck with paying for his fun if he doesn't pay it off (we are negotiating).

So currently, I am on food stamps and he spends his time partying and going to Disney World and running from his problems, because he can't face them.

After I worked through my rage, however, (and there was a bit of it!) I realized that I am so much better off! I am so glad he is out of my life. I would NEVER have been able to trust him. And he is just running. He buries everything in his subconscious, and it does come out from time to time in unhealthy ways. He isn't happy with himself, so he runs around trying to find the external "happy." It never lasts though, you know? He will always be running and searching for something he will never find.

He did me a favor by forgetting to delete his history (how I found out about his escapades.) He freed me up to find a healthier partner and have an authentic life with an authentic partner, so I could find real depth, real connection, and also to learn to be happy within myself. I can sit with myself and be okay. He can't. It is uncomfortable for him.

Took me over a year to finally get this one too. There is no justice, there is no fairness, but there is one math equation that solves it all.

Would you rather be with a cheating, lying, gaslighting, deceiptful monster; constantly worrying about what they're doing, who they are with, being the object of their torture because of their broken soul and mind, OR be on your own to do as you wish and perhaps find someone decent, truthful and authentic...put the money aside. It doesn't mean anything at all...which would you prefer.

In a way, they show you their true colors in the most bold and outrageous fashion, without even realizing their doing it. "Hey look at me, I'm a cheater, I'm lying to you, I'm gaslighting you, I'm partying, why are you still with me, leave me, I'm broken and I don't know how to constructively leave or even work through my issues...you're better off without me, please go, save yourself, I'm going to swim in the sewer for a while and when I wake up, I might tell you I'm sorry and I was kind of wrong...if you're lucky...because I really don't care right now."

Get the picture? Self absorbed is self absorbed. You have the right to be angry...do it. You have the right to feel there's no justice. You're right. You have the right to believe they really don't suffer consequences. Right also, because even if they have some small amount of regret, and shame, and guilt, it's nowhere near the horror of being betrayed. So feel free to feel your emotions. Chop some wood. Work out. Punch the heavy bag. Get it out, daily. Then a year from now, you will come to some peace in your mind that you can live. And two years, well, you'll be back on your feet.

I'm very sorry for your situation and I feel like I have been going through the same emotions.

My WGF told our counselor "she had fun" with her AP. Then they nurtured the feelings they already had for one another. Now she definitely sees something there.

They had fun doing the things I wanted to do with my WGF. Things I have brought up and been brushed off. Things we have done in the past.

All she thinks about is that this fun and new butterfly feelings make her realize she thinks she's missing something. Not about how this makes me feel, not about how she can commit such an act of betrayal, not that she can do things she regrets or feels sorry for, not that she is capable of things she always said she couldn't live with a partner doing, not about how she will lose all the support she has been asking for and relying upon me for, not about how this has turned my life upside down, not about how I might not have seen this coming, not about how I can barely work, eat, or sleep, not about what it is doing to our dogs being separated from us in a nearly empty house, not about how this is totally contradictory to her long term plans. But it sure is fun and exciting.

Quote:

"My WGF told our counselor "she had fun" with her AP. Then they nurtured the feelings they already had for one another. Now she definitely sees something there.

They had fun doing the things I wanted to do with my WGF. Things I have brought up and been brushed off. Things we have done in the past."

My WWF did the same thing!!!! What is wrong with these people?? She even had the audacity to say that she was angry because she couldnt truly enjoy the relationship with the OP because of having to hide it. ? WTF?

Thats what I deal with for 7 months after d-day until I moved out. Im glad I moved out.

Thank you everyone. Thank you.

Yes, she got to play...I have to pay.

XWW always refused to work more than part time during our entire marriage. I paid all the bills with my income. Her money was her money...my money was our money was her attitude. I unknowingly paid for her entire 2 year affair from the new cars she was driving, insurance, fuel, the clothes she wore...basically everything. She even opened up credit cards in my name, that I didn't know about, and racked up hefty balances that I got stuck paying after the divorce. I think back on all the times we spent together, gifts I bought her, trips and vacations we went on together, during her affair and even after while we were in false R and it makes me sick.

Now I pay her a large sum of court ordered alimony and child support every month so she can still work part time. I have the kids half the time. I bought her out of the house and sent her packing to a condo she rents. She got 1/3 of the pension that I worked my ass of to earn. She also got over 1/3 of all of my investments which for her, is like winning the lottery. I busted my ass during our 16 year marriage to give her and our kids a nice life while she sat on her ass. During her affair, who knows what she was doing with it .

Her XOM's wife divorced him and kept their house. He didn't make that much money to began with so I'm sure his standard of living dropped. He was basically unemployed and working out of his house during that time with plenty of spare time for my XWW...all while I was at work...nice.

That's just the financial stuff. The emotional price I have paid is unbelievable. What about the price my children have paid? I may never know the extent of the damage her choices will have on them. I doubt that I will ever trust anyone and never get married again. I now have self esteem issues that I never had before. I am filled with self doubt and insecurities. I don't approach women or even want to spend time with them. I'm not as adventurous as I was before. I seem to feel more comfortable in my home than out and about. It's like I have a black cloud over me all the time.

Physically, it took a toll on me as well. I definitely aged during that time. I look at pictures taken before I found out and there is a huge difference. I have a lot more grey hair now. Initially I lost a lot of weight from lack of sleep and no appetite. I started working out and gained that back...thank God! I was looking sickly.

In summery, everything about me and my life has changed now. I have paid next to the ultimate price for her selfishness and I will be paying for the next 4 years...at the very least. No fault divorce sucks...no justice or accountability! It does seem as if the BS always pays the biggest price.

[This message edited by Decimated at 12:29 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

I don't understand how this system works.....someone can have an affair while their spouse is financially supporting them. They decide that they want to leave and the BS has to pay!!! Possibly half their pension, tons of alimony, half their savings, 401k etc. it just doesn't make sense to me....why is this allowed?? Where is the justice?? Aren't there any consequences to the WS? Seems like the BS is punished because they were the responsible ones......

Yep, my WSO said and certainly looked like she had "fun" on her vacation, that I encouraged for her to go on her own. She told me it was one of the funnest things she ever did, and wished she could have stayed there longer, and could even live there she loved it so much...this was obviously before I knew of the A. She even asked me to send her more money when she was over there because she was running out. I guess on account of all the fun she was having.

After DD I remember her telling me that the A with the OM, was fun and exciting because she felt so naughty. It made her really horny for him.

Thanx WSO!

[This message edited by Jesu at 5:12 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

You were doing right by your family sir. There is justice. You are the shining knight. In the end no matter what happens you can look at yourself and know that you were doing what you could or knew how to do to take care of your family. I'm angry just like you.

It brings me comfort to know that I was doing what was necessary to make my family comfortable and being as supportive as I knew how to be. It's not your fault no matter what. Those memories you built with your son will be burned in his mind. He'll know that his dad was a stand up dude. Keep fighting my man.

No fault divorce sucks...no justice or accountability! It does seem as if the BS always pays the biggest price.

This is soooo true.

And some of these deceitful, selfish waywards plan in advance how to set-up the BS so they eventually come out for the better by using the BS trust against them.

In MC I said, "He had the party, I've got the hangover."

So angry for you.. Question. Why didn't you make her leave .. She ruined the marriage by cheating. You need a good lawyer. Honestly I say the cheater goes from the house no matter if man or woman.

Why are you living like this?

I totally agree with Dreamland!

(((hugs)))

Why did she get the home? Are you S or D'ing? Would you be willing to sell it and split the $? Do you have an attorney. I hope there is something you can do. This sich is so wrong.

What I found to be true in every instance of wrong doing, what goes around comes around. It may take some time, but the Karma Hammer always strikes hard. It sucks waiting for it to strike, but strike it will.