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I Can Relate :
Double Betrayal

Topic is Sleeping.
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2Deadinside ( member #56050) posted at 10:55 PM on Friday, December 9th, 2016

I found out almost 3 months ago my husband was cheating with his best friend's wife, whom we have known for 13 years. Our kids would spend the weekend at each other's home, the 4 of us would have dinners , drinks, etc. my husband got her a job with him 5 years ago and in June they decided that instead of being friends they would become F@$& buddies. It makes me sick to know that they would text each other with us there, I found nude photo s that she sent him and in the 5 months they were together they exchanged ILY. Once I found out I told her husband, both of our families are now dealing with the aftermath of their selfish choices. I hate her and want to tell everyone but her husband begged me not to he would rather sweep it under the rug. I can't understand how this happened and neither she or my husband could give me an explanation of what lead them down this dark road. I am working on R but I think what a shitty friend and worse husband he turned out to be. Makes me question what loyalty means to him apparently absolutely nothing. Betrayal sucks but when it's from both sides it hurts so much more. Disgusting!!

posts: 50   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2016   ·   location: California
id 7725297
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DebraVation ( member #51156) posted at 11:07 PM on Sunday, December 11th, 2016

You are right, it is awful being betrayed by both your spouse and your friend. My husband had an affair with a family friend and it has caused such complications - our children go to school together, in fact we used to collect each other's children from school on different days. We went camping with them, we had dinner together. Ugh. Really makes you question whether you can trust anybody, doesn't it?

Keep going, I am 15 months from DDay and I still get angry etc but it is easier to deal with now. Look after yourself first and foremost and know that you aren't alone. And you're better than anybody that would do this.

posts: 1538   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 7726493
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hopefulkate ( member #47752) posted at 5:02 PM on Tuesday, January 3rd, 2017

I've never posted here, but I guess I belong here too. My WH's AP was a friend of mine, her husband my WH's best friend, our children best friends, dinners, school, activies, etc etc etc...

We moved 1000 miles away shortly after I found out because I *was* going to kill her.

I can't kill my kids' father, but I could very easily kill her! And yes, I do hold my H accountable, but she USED him INTENTIONALLY when he was at his weakest. She prided herself on being able to get what she wanted, make guys do whatever. She KNOWINGLY betrayed my trust, and his, out of jealousy, hate, and whatever fucked up reason she thought justified her behavior to end her marriage. That she changed her mind about!

Ignoring the WH's accountability - because right now I just can't handle it all - right now, I just want to hurt her. I just want to know she is hurting. Dead would be best, but I am too cute for jail!

My question for this group is, why? Why 2 years later am I plagued by thoughts of her? Of her stupid lying face? Of feeling like a joke? I had just found compassion for her weeks ago when I really saw how pathetic she is - and I know this - so why now? I am one month from dday anniversary 2. Is that it?? Is that why I am having panic attacks again??

This sucks. Sorry everyone. No one should be here either.

"and so together, they built the life they love."

posts: 1808   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 7745878
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LosferWords ( member #30369) posted at 5:22 PM on Tuesday, January 3rd, 2017

In my experience, it usually was the onset of an upcoming d-day anniversary that would bring those feelings back for me. I'm so sorry you are having panic attacks, hopelesskate. Is it possible for you to get out and do some activities that you enjoy to help clear your mind a bit? That usually helps me.

posts: 31089   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2010
id 7745901
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hopefulkate ( member #47752) posted at 5:25 PM on Tuesday, January 3rd, 2017

Thanks Losferwords, I appreciate it. It probably is that anniversary coming around again. It wasn't this hard the first year. I don't know...

Panic attacks are worse when I leave the house. I'm thinking I just need to see my IC more right now. It's just so expensive...

"and so together, they built the life they love."

posts: 1808   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 7745905
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Blindsided1950 ( new member #56688) posted at 2:41 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2017

Hi everyone. I've never done this before so please bare with me. My husband came clean about his affair with my best friend less than a month ago. The affair went on for over 6 months. I never had a clue. Not one little inkling. Now looking back of course I see all the signs. I'm dead inside. We've been together 23 years, married 18. 3 kids.

For 6 months I was lied to and slowly poisoned by the 2 people I loved most on the world. The OW used every conversation I had with her to slowly poison my H towards me. She told him he disgusted me, I hated having sex with him and I never wanted him around (which I never said). Everything H and I talked about he repeated to her.

We are in counseling, but the more the numbness wears off, the more I wonder if I can go on with him in my life. Until this point I was just numb, now I hate him and what he's done to our lives. Is this normal? Should I still try to fight for a man that fell in love (his words) with another woman that was a "sister" to me? I'm absolutely lost.

I posted this in JFO and was pointed to this thread. I must say, it's literally been a life saver. I thought I was alone. I thought I was stupid and blind. I thought it was my fault. Reading everyone else's experience has taught me none of this is true. Unfortunately since my original post my 16 year old daughter has confronted me about WH's A. She said "I'm not stupid mom." She told WH she hates him. My 18 yr old S learned early in life that when dad feels guilty he buys love, so he has clammed up. So now I'm not only dying inside myself, I'm in momma bear mode for my kids. OMG..what a fucking mess these 2 asshats have made.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jan. 4th, 2017
id 7749157
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hopefulkate ( member #47752) posted at 4:24 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2017

I'm so, so sorry for all the pain you are feeling.

First - do you live close to your exfriend? If so, is moving an option for you? This was the best gift to me, and moving was a great active distraction. I was going to kill her. Almost did but her kid stepped in front of her and my foot moved off the gas. I was going to take her out right in front of everyone at the kids' school. (Totally sane!

Second- you are still in shock. Give yourself at least 6 months to a year to find your feet. That's just compassionate TO YOU! How is your H now? Remorseful? NC?

Third - for the sake of your kids' future, see if you can get them to speak to a family therapist. It will be the best thing for them.

Fourth - are you in counseling? Don't worry about the marriage right now - you can decide on that later. Right now you need to take care of you, and if you WH wants to try to stay married, that should be his only concern too. And he should be the first to sign up for counseling! This is the best way to find out his WHYs for acting so selfishly.)

"and so together, they built the life they love."

posts: 1808   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 7749265
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Blindsided1950 ( new member #56688) posted at 10:46 PM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2017

I keep reading that the OS should be told. My WHs AP (XBF) has no spouse. No family in the area. I feel she should be held accountable for what she did to my marriage and she's getting away with causeing 1/2 of my pain! Today I found myself a hair width away from emailing her parents. For 6 month the OW wormed her way into my family by telling us what terrible people her parents are when in all actuality she wasn't visiting because her time was tied up fucking my husband. Am I being childish? I feel so burned!

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jan. 4th, 2017
id 7754422
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Lethealbegin ( member #32826) posted at 1:00 AM on Friday, January 13th, 2017

No your angry and rightfully so. I totally understand why you want her to pay. Although you have to remember Karma always comes to them. How would you feel about letting her parents know? Would it really change anything for you?

I know my xfriend was and properly still is scared I will spill the beans to her parents. Every time I run into them and she hears that I am sure she is sick! Ha ha ha anyway now her new neighbors know not from me. Someone I know put two and two together and told her best friend that lives across the street from her. See she used to live across from me and she ran away (moved sold their home at a financial loss) so they are never free of being found out.

I have to say It was extremely important to me that I did not go down to her level. She took so much away from me that I was not going to let her take my integrity away. Which she wanted to believe me she tried by sending emails to some in our neighborhood stating I was spreading rumors about her ha ha ha dumbass was trying to play victim. It was not easy somedays to control myself because I wanted her to pay in every way. I just stood firm and took the high road! I am so sorry you had to join our club. Hugs my friend you will get better trust me.

BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Dday 3 3/05/14 {Fully Disclosed every lie}
Two little ones
Married 19 years at the time of dday 1

posts: 209   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 7755674
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Blindsided1950 ( new member #56688) posted at 3:35 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2017

Thanks, lethealbegin. I'll never be at her level because I've never been, nor will I ever be whale shit. Lol. I guess I just want her mortified. I want her to feel the shame she should be feeling, and she has everyone in town gaslighted. She and her parents don't have a good relationship anyway, and if I can completely break it, I feel (wrongly maybe) she might have the pain I'm feeling. I've also had thoughts of telling her grown sons. I don't know if I will feel better, honestly I can't feel any worse. Unfortunately all of us in this group know that feeling to well. When does the stomach churning anger fade? Does it ever? WH is remorseful, and we are in M counseling. Unfortunately he's one of the "I can't remember" guys. I know he's lying..and I couldn't believe him if he wasn't. I've decided to use a program to retrieve deleted texts from his phone. I feel it's the only way I'm going to get the whole truth. I know it's going to put me right back to the beginning of healing, but I need to know. There has been NC with OW since DDay..I do believe him about that (only because I have a tracking device on his phone). I can't believe I let such a toxic snake into my home with my kids. It's almost like keeping a cobra for a pet. The thought turns my stomach. I didn't know I could hate as much as I do now. It's scary.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jan. 4th, 2017
id 7757230
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BFos ( member #56868) posted at 7:20 PM on Wednesday, January 18th, 2017

I guess this is pretty common, doesn't make it any less devastating. WW had an affair with My best friend and hes my boss. His wife was WW best friend. Same story, family vacations, family dinners, kids always hung out. I don't think I will ever be that close to anyone again. It makes me sick that they could do this, and I cant turn the movies off in my head.

ME:BH 49
XWW : 46
MARRIED:25 YRS
DIVORCED
1 SON, 18
DDAY #1: SEPT 17, 2016
DDAY #2: NOV 14,2016 (our 25th anniversary)

posts: 264   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2017   ·   location: Corpus Christi, Texas
id 7761000
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Shey ( new member #52938) posted at 11:04 PM on Thursday, January 19th, 2017

It really is a special kind of hell BFos. I'm almost a year out and it has gotten easier to deal with on a daily basis. The level of betrayal is astounding and I believe it takes longer to heal from.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2016
id 7762265
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mcbagpipes ( new member #55701) posted at 11:21 PM on Thursday, January 19th, 2017

I am 5 months out and still deeply bothered by my double betrayal. My ex and I split up and I never looked back. At least she had burned the bridges so completely that there was never any hope of reconcilliaton.

I had a couple of rough weeks but am over all doing pretty good. Thank god for my dog:)

posts: 6   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Canada
id 7762292
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samiamsad ( member #56563) posted at 5:07 PM on Tuesday, January 24th, 2017

I still can't believe I'm here some days, but here I am. WH had a 4.5 year affair with our former nanny. So cliche, the relationship started when she worked her. WH would come home for lunch (he did this before we ever had kids, just liked coming home) and their flirtation turned into her confessing her feelings and eventually they would put my son down for his nap and have sex in our kitchen. When I got pregnant with our second child, we let her go and I was completely broken up about it because of how wonderful I felt she was to our son and family. Little did I know... The affair continued through my pregnancy, and of course, she was around all the time under the guise of wanting to spend time with my DS. My idiot WH did things like invite her to concerts with us, and she even came on a trip with WH and I and another couple last year. WH was having unprotected sex with her, meanwhile she was trying to get pregnant with her own husband. When I caught them, she had started IVF with her husband. She has major mental issues, and as much as I realize that WH is to blame, I am so angry at this bitch for manipulating me and my family for years. I've outed her to OBS and he apparently thinks I've fabricated this whole thing which makes it that much more infuriating. I know I need to work toward indifference, but it's going to take a very long time to get over what she has done to me and to my children. I'm sorry to be here, but glad for the support.

me: bs
4.5 year LTA and double betrayal
2 young kids, married 10 years, together 19
DDAY - 12/24/16

posts: 54   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2016
id 7766099
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BEAUTY1234 ( member #55185) posted at 5:27 PM on Tuesday, January 24th, 2017

Are you two together?

posts: 56   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2016
id 7766120
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samiamsad ( member #56563) posted at 11:41 PM on Tuesday, January 24th, 2017

Do you mean me, Beauty?

I kicked WH out after I found out, but he is staying here. Our kids are 2 & 5 and it's easier for me, for the kids, and it has been good. We spend hours talking about it every night - he has been very transparent about the A and what it meant to him. Typical stuff, all ego and sex for him at least. We're both in IC and MC. He is extremely remorseful and is doing all of the right things. I haven't decided if I want to R yet, and he understands that but is still trying in hopes that we can. It's just too soon for me to know.

me: bs
4.5 year LTA and double betrayal
2 young kids, married 10 years, together 19
DDAY - 12/24/16

posts: 54   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2016
id 7766461
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BEAUTY1234 ( member #55185) posted at 12:08 AM on Wednesday, January 25th, 2017

Yes samiamsad

[This message edited by BEAUTY1234 at 6:09 PM, January 24th (Tuesday)]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2016
id 7766472
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BFos ( member #56868) posted at 7:20 PM on Thursday, February 2nd, 2017

I agree that the double betrayal is going to be hard to get over. I have to see her every morning running in front of my office building and then I have to work with him. Some days my anxiety is through the roof. I have lost a total of 72lbs in the 4 months since DDay. I cant eat lunch because my stomach is so upset by then.

It has been better since I moved out and started NC with her. We don't have small kids so its easier.

ME:BH 49
XWW : 46
MARRIED:25 YRS
DIVORCED
1 SON, 18
DDAY #1: SEPT 17, 2016
DDAY #2: NOV 14,2016 (our 25th anniversary)

posts: 264   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2017   ·   location: Corpus Christi, Texas
id 7774415
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hurtsx2 ( new member #57563) posted at 11:34 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

I hope I'm posting this right, only my second post. I'm usually pretty much an observer not a participator but something has been on my mind for awhile and I'd like some opinions.. Do you ever think about forgiving your xbff? It's been 10 months since dday, no other A's that I'm aware of, their A lasted 4 months and there were extenuating circumstances such as she and I had a falling out and my H and I were talking about divorce at the time. Not that those excuses make anything they did okay! They still both chose to betray me with each other! However, My husband and I are reconciling and things are going good for the most part, but once in a while I miss my xbff. We shared so many places and people (friends) and things, our kids were friends, we had vacations together and Christmas etc. I'm triggered a lot by places we went, and it always comes up with other friends that are having parties and baby showers and they invite us both and I have to explain we aren't friends anymore (without details). I've brought this up in marriage counseling and the counselor actually asked me why don't I make up with my xbff? I said are you kidding me?! She f'd my husband! I know she and I will never be friends again. I love my husband more than I love her. I chose to stay with my husband and he chose to stay with me. It just hurts a lot that I lost her! Am I crazy?

posts: 40   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2017
id 7803440
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BFos ( member #56868) posted at 3:37 AM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2017

I get your want yo have you xbff back. I miss that friendship terribly but it will never happen. He f'd my wife and he can't ever take that back. I will never speak to him again after I start my new job. The betrayal is too deep to ever go back.

[This message edited by BFos at 4:54 PM, March 9th (Thursday)]

ME:BH 49
XWW : 46
MARRIED:25 YRS
DIVORCED
1 SON, 18
DDAY #1: SEPT 17, 2016
DDAY #2: NOV 14,2016 (our 25th anniversary)

posts: 264   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2017   ·   location: Corpus Christi, Texas
id 7803626
Topic is Sleeping.
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