girlpower ( member #45224) posted at 9:39 PM on Wednesday, December 24th, 2014
its OK to rant - its an awful feeling from your H and your closest friend.
Its been 7-8 weeks since Dday here and H is just stunned that I am still a wreck about it and that everything reminds me of it.
You have been heard - it sucks. Someone wrote on here on time - she is not your friend, she was never your friend, she was and is your enemy.
Hold your head high and move forward . . .as I am and trying to figure out where my life shall go.
amialone ( member #45852) posted at 5:10 AM on Friday, December 26th, 2014
Thank you girlpower. That means alot. Just being heard helps tremendously. And I do believe this about her. She was never my friend. In fact I told my H the other day. She wasn't your friend either. We are trying to R. He agrees now for what it is. She was a poison to our relationship. And should have never been allowed in.
girlpower ( member #45224) posted at 5:18 AM on Friday, December 26th, 2014
Its just the worse feeling ever. My H just doesn't see her as an enemy (which makes me completely insane).
Trying to hold my head high and complete be on the defense . . . she is the enemy and wanted to infect you, your family etc.
bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 2:52 PM on Friday, December 26th, 2014
Double betrayal here as well - - AP had a "crush" on my husband for years, as I found out later -- so, I do sometimes think that she was a predator from day one, and just pretended to be my friend to be closer to him.
On the other hand, I am pretty awesome - , so I sometimes think she just really wanted to be us. My H and I had a pretty good relationship before the A - better than hers. I am well respected and liked, and do something for a living she'd like to do. So, I actually think she really wanted to be my friend, but didn't feel worthy either of my life or ours, and so went on this campaign to show that she was "special" somehow. I also think, sadly, that she wanted someone to care about her the way my H cared about me. He told her once in the affair that he didn't think he'd ever be able to be best friends with her, like he was with me. Can you imagine your AP telling you that? How low must you feel about yourself to argue with that? (And she did. . .said she thought he could, because she had never felt such "peace" with someone else. I mean, what does feeling peace have to do with being a best friend, and who feels peaceful in the midst of an affair?)
I think she got confused and jealous and competitive. And, was really just a broken and selfish little woman.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:53 AM, December 26th (Friday)]
me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.
trustedg ( member #44465) posted at 7:11 PM on Friday, January 2nd, 2015
My H just doesn't see her as an enemy (which makes me completely insane).
Seems to be common with double betrayals, was like that in my case at first. After many talks I think he came to see it as it really is. She did something she knew would hurt others (as did WH). Friends don't screw friend's spouses, that is not a friend, that is an enemy. What friend would want to tear apart a M and hurt so many people?
I also think OW had a crush on my WH for years. She would say "you are so lucky", "WH is so good to you", "WH helps around the house", etc.
Agree with the "predator" label. She was waiting for the right time to strike. WH fell for it for a bit, then got disgusted with her (and himself).
Me BWHim WH DDay 12/2012Married a long time, in R
girlpower ( member #45224) posted at 4:42 AM on Tuesday, January 6th, 2015
We are now 3 months out - and she is still doing things to "poke" and try to get a reaction. We live in the same town, etc.
H's reaction is always "I'm sure she isn't trying to harm you" - he is so oblivious to her complete manipulation and tactics. I can't figure out how to deal with him - by this time he should be furious that she is still trying to actively ruin his life.
Wiserallthetime ( member #44331) posted at 7:11 AM on Tuesday, January 6th, 2015
I hate to ask, girlpower, but are you sure the A is over and he is NC? I ask only because mine did similar with my FBFF/his MOW, all while he was still denying there was an A at all.
"I'm sure she isn't trying to harm you"
is almost exactly one of the things my STBXWH was saying while FBFF/MOW was posting ugly things to Facebook.
I hope, for your sake, the A is over and he is indeed NC, but I thought you should be warned....
BrokenheartedWif ( member #40955) posted at 9:29 AM on Tuesday, January 6th, 2015
I don't remember all the details of your story so I have a couple of questions.
Are you in IC?
Do you have a support group or support system?
At the very least he is still lying to himself about what he has done. The very first lie they tell is to themselves about something they know to be so wrong and hurtful. It is also what they cling to in their denial of their choices.
Is he in IC? If not are you two in MC?
My WH isn't in IC, but he has seen our MC a few times without me and he attends an Every Man's Battle Group and SA weekly, unless we are out of town or the Every Man's Battle Group get's cancelled by the Group Leader/Councilor.
The OW is still in "Fantasy Land" has she been exposed to her BS or family or?
Whorena in our case, has only been exposed to her BS and 3 children. She stayed in contact with one of my children and still keeps a picture of my WH up on her FB pictures and who knows where else. She is still in "Fantasy Land" waiting for my WH to call. If my WH is to be believed, they sometimes went for a year or more without F**king. My SAWH has been very remorseful and working on his issues and going to MC.
He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love. Whorena The Cumdumpster pretended to be my friend the entire time as well. I'll take an enemy any day of the week.
devastatedx10 ( new member #46374) posted at 6:04 AM on Friday, January 16th, 2015
I'm so glad I found this forum! I didn't think anyone else could relate to what I've been through. While I know everyone's story is different, it is so nice to be able to relate to others. I'll try to be brief. My D-Day was Sept of 2013 when I discovered text messages from WH to my aunt that were sexual in nature. He admitted they had been having an A for a couple of months. My devastation was beyond belief!!
Thru further digging and interrogations, it came out that he had at least 7 AP and 3 ONS that I know of. The worst was yet to come though. I discovered WH had a 4-5 year A with my mother, and very early on had a short A with my sister.
I was extremely close with all three of the OW. We were best friends and I trusted them to my very core. WH and I have 2 children and they are extremely close to the OW as well.
To say my life was turned upside down is a understatement. I contemplated taking my own life for a while, but could never do it because of my children.
They are of course all so very sorry and remorseful...now.
We are in IC and were in MC for 2 years before d-day (he never came clean so it was a waste of time then). Trying to R, mostly because I am pregnant due Feb and he is trying so hard to change and deal with all the abuse from childhood.
Is there anyone on here that has had a WS not just double betray but multiple betray? I feel like no one should have to even attempt to deal with this much betrayal in their life.
FoolForLove15 ( new member #46365) posted at 7:29 AM on Friday, January 16th, 2015
@devastatedx10- My God. I can't even imagine dear. I have not dealt with anywhere near the level of betrayal you have, but I guess I just wanted to say I'm so sorry and that what you're going through is enough to drive anyone to the point of wanting to end things. My mother is the only person in this world who I trust 100% to never do anything to harm me and I would be absolutely devastated. Be strong if only for your children. Think of them to help you get through.
Like I said, my double betrayal wasn't nearly as severe as yours, but my WH had an ongoing affair with a woman who he passed off to me as his "little sister" (not by birth, but his family is all mixed up anyway- the woman he calls mom is not really his birth mother. His siblings are not all true siblings - lots o adoptions and such). I befriended this woman and even allowed her to live in our home briefly - meanwhile she was having an emotional and sexual affair with him right up under my nose. Of all the affairs, that was the one he refused to end and the one that made me finally leave.
Wishing you the very best. You're not alone
BS: 30s. WH: 50s. Married: 2011. 1st D-Day 2012 discovered multiple OW & PAs. I had a revenge ONS. 2014 discovered his LT PA w/his "relative". 6/2014 & 1/2015 he broke NC. 2/2015 - I DIVORCED HIM!
2017 In a new relationship
LoveNougat ( new member #46019) posted at 5:39 PM on Friday, January 16th, 2015
Think of it this way. As much as the double betrayal sucks and rattles your foundation. You come out the other side much better. Now with former OM.. (now spouse). I honestly pity him. he has to live with ol' girl now. Thanks Chach.
Best part, he is polite on the phone and does a better job keeping my kids on the line than my ex.
I hope he likes his blue falcon hat.
devastatedx10 ( new member #46374) posted at 7:39 PM on Friday, January 16th, 2015
@Foolforlove- Thank you sooo much for the welcome. I have felt so isolated and alone this past year. I too trusted my mother 100%, she was my best friend.
Having trusted so many people only to find out they all betrayed me is awful. I too opened my home but it was my sister and her kids, not his adopted sister. Knowing the people you love and trust are having an A right under your nose makes you feel like such a fool.
Thank you again for the welcome..just taking it one day at a time.
brokenNbetrayed ( new member #45394) posted at 7:52 PM on Friday, January 16th, 2015
Hugs to you devastatedx10. Double betrayal is the absolute worse. Please take care of yourself and your kids.
Furious1 ( member #42970) posted at 9:17 PM on Friday, January 16th, 2015
Dx10, double and multiple betrayal here. As you can see by my tag line, my WH had a 7 year A with my sister who is just a year older than me. He has had numerous A's which has produced two OC with two different OW that we know of. While I do not know the additional pain of having WH have an A with my aunt or mother, I do know the pain of having my FOO (family of origin) side with my sister over it all.
My WH is just getting started in IC and yesterday we had our first real MC session. My D-day was October of 2014 even though I had my suspicions.
For me, there are no more family holidays or gatherings of any sort (at least ones where I am invited). I might as well have become an orphan when the A came out. If you knew my family and how narcissistic they are, you would understand that it is no great loss on my part.
I was curious if you are still in contact with your aunt, your mother, and your sister after discovering what they did to you.
BW (me): 46
2 adult kids
livinganew ( member #40270) posted at 9:33 PM on Friday, January 16th, 2015
My Lord, the pervasive devastation you must feel... You not only have multiple double betrayals, but those that involve your FOO, too! THAT is a betrayal that probably feels as though your WHOLE LIFE has been undermined (not just your marriage).
The behavior of your WH and these OW is shocking. They made horrible, pernicious choices that they knew would devastate you. It says everything about THEM. Please understand that their choices had nothing to do with you... These people are incredibly broken.
Focus ALL your energies on taking care of YOU. Find support for yourself (church? therapist? support group? ANYWHERE!)
Yes, your kids need you, too; you must expend some energy on them. IMO, though, every other ounce of your energy should focus on stabilizing your life and healing.
I pray for your strength and that you find/create someone(s) you can trust to support you. Find your faith and know that you can get through this. Make a decision that you WILL be better off as a result of all this. You can do it; you are MORE than their broken decisions!
D-Day: Dec 23, 2012
Me: 57 BH; XWW: 55 (then)
16-yr EA and PA w/MOM--her boss; my "friend"
Married 30 yrs. 2DS: 27 & 25; DD: 21 (then)
Left for her AP
Divorced Jan 2014
livinganew ( member #40270) posted at 9:39 PM on Friday, January 16th, 2015
OMGoodness, F1--you, too?!?!?! Prayers to you, too!
I think I would be like you... Choosing NC with the AP(s) (and, in my case, my EWW, too) has been a must for my healing.
D-Day: Dec 23, 2012
Me: 57 BH; XWW: 55 (then)
16-yr EA and PA w/MOM--her boss; my "friend"
Married 30 yrs. 2DS: 27 & 25; DD: 21 (then)
Left for her AP
Divorced Jan 2014
devastatedx10 ( new member #46374) posted at 3:23 AM on Saturday, January 17th, 2015
@furious- I did have NC for a while with all of them. My mother has tried very hard to attempt to work on herself and issues and to fix our relationship (although obviously not possible) but the separation hurt my children so much. We were an extremely close knit family and the knowledge of what went on would destroy my kids faith and trust in people, and I couldn't hurt them like that. So there is some contact and get together that I suffer through, although I do enjoy spending time with other family members. It's difficult at times to be around them, but making my kids happy is worth it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your own betrayal as well. I know all to well the pain and anger you are going through, and I'm glad to hear you're in MC. I hope it helps and wish you the best!
devastatedx10 ( new member #46374) posted at 3:32 AM on Saturday, January 17th, 2015
@livinganew-Thank you so much. I do try very hard to take comfort and solace in things I enjoy and the few people I confide in. It's an extremely long road, but I do take comfort in knowing that they were not able to break me. I have so many moments when I beat up on myself. How could I have been so blind, so trusting, naive...etc. But I have to remind myself that they were the ones that are wrong. I'm guilty of being an honest, and trusting person. It is so nice to be able to share with people who do truly understand though.
wolf_heart ( member #35262) posted at 7:05 PM on Saturday, January 17th, 2015
Double Betrayal is the pits.
My WH's AP told him that she had put him on a pedestal and thought him unattainable. Unattainable because of his devotion to me.
I wonder if those long talks about our spouses was only to get information to use to entice mine. Goodness knows her's was a complete disappointment to her. He was out of work, overweight and she hadn't had an orgasm from him in 8 years. So, she sought out mine that was gainfully employed at a great job, thin, and I never complained about sexually. Little did she know about his erectile dysfunction. I never told her about that. Wish I had now, maybe she wouldn't have wanted him so badly. Didn't' work for her any better than it did for me. Not to mention he didn't work better for her either. Yes, I do get some satisfaction from that. I think they both thought the problem was their partners and not them.
They also "shared a connection". Both of them mentioned this connection they had that they had never had with anyone else before during the A. It was the reason they text and talked so much after all.
When hubby admitted the EA prior to her disclosing the PA part he told me that she was his soulmate. That they were destined for each other and something got messed up. That he loved us the same way and amount and couldn't give up either of us.
I suppose the mess up was they were both stuck in marriages with kids and not single when they met. That they missed out on some big time love of their lives because they were stuck with people they weren't happy with. How sad for them. Hubby now doesn't understand why he thought that.
If your WS isn't seeing their AP as an enemy to your marriage give it time. Make sure to point out all that person's flaws too. My supposed friend, who was my enemy was in therapy due to depression. Funny how close they were she never told him that. I think when I told him that he started to see the real her and not the fantasy her, he was holding on to. He had been attracted to her since he first met her.
I have disassociated with every female that has ever made an inappropriate comment about my WH.
What are women thinking when they tell you that if you weren't around they would go after your WH. I mean seriously. Marriage needs more respect than it gets. Monogamy should not be a strange concept.
Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.
cosmicjoke ( member #39159) posted at 8:28 AM on Sunday, January 18th, 2015
wolf-heart- I hear you. This is why I pretty much gave up on female friends altogether. Which is sad, because in my rational mind I 'know' there are many decent females with self-control who have actual MORALS and do not destroy other people's relationships. But, the rest of my mind cannot accept it or allow myself to be hurt any more. It's just not worth the risk.
And I learned a long time ago.. that I do not ever, ever share details of my personal life with any female who knows my H. No way. You give them good info, they want it for themselves. You give them bad info- they think they deserve better. FROM YOUR partner.
I actually had one skank say to me (who knew my H before I met her)- 'Oh, so YOU'RE the lucky girl who gets to be with (Mr. CJ)'...!!
Yeah and guess who was fucking Mr. CJ, the first chance she got..?? While stupid me was off dealing with a mother with dementia, and putting my grandmother in a nursing home, and various family crises that were happening all at once..?? And all those things that a good, responsible daughter is supposed to deal with. Yeah THANKS everyone!!
Yeah, I'm sooooooooooo lucky.
So now I swear if I ever hear a comment like that again- or they give me that 'look' where they're 'eyeing you up' so to speak.. and that kind of friendly, seemingly-innocent banter about how I'm 'so lucky' or whatever.. I swear I will do something that will not be pretty or nice. (actual description of physical violence censored here.)
Because it turns out- there IS no friendly banter- there is only a WARNING- of what they are going to do. That is- if they haven't done it already by the time you've met them.
If you look carefully, and do NOT EVER give the 'benefit of the doubt'.. You will notice that these predators will usually drop subtle hints and clues of what they're about to do. You just have to be paying attention.