Texas, there has been no confrontation yet and she doesn't know that I know about her activities.
smokenfire you make a lot of sense.
My impetus for opening with is-it-worth-saving-in-your-opinion is because it seems she moved on years ago and didn't divorce me out of fear or laziness. I'd actually be kinda surprised if when I ask her this question, if she suddenly says, "yeah actually I do think we should work on this."
We just amazingly have never had that conversation or clear understanding.
When I initially took my bravest step (to clumsily let her know I was unhappy, and seriously I did not know how to go about it ... summer of 2013 I'd just come back from the first time I travelled to see the first OW (i.e. the EA I'd begun).
All I could think of to do was to create "a test" to see if my wife and I could still go on a fun date, which hadn't happened in several years. As if I was going to make a decision, who to choose. Stupidity.
It wasn't fair to her, and she'd asked me beforehand if she needed to brace herself since I'd lamely dropped a couple hints that this-or-that other couple we knew had something better .... I lied and said "I have no agenda here," but was really looking for a way to let her know I was unhappy. The date was a ruse. I was scared and not ready but did it anyway, and wrongly. Felt liberating afterwards tho, to let some feeling out.
Made arrangements for kids, and the date was truly wonderful. Holding hands in Home Depot of all places, looking for nothing in particular. Nice dinner out, chatted the whole time later at another place listening to soft live music, stayed out late and went right to sleep afterwards.
We had sex the next morning but it was even worse than rote, there was zero connection at all from her. Like nothing I'd ever experienced. Didn't even want me to kiss her. "Here, just get it over with." Fuck you, that's pretty much the last thing your "lover" ever wants to hear, my dear. <- I thought, not said that. "Test" failed.
Afterwords I felt shock at what I felt should have been "a sacred act shared by lovers" and horrible for participating in that act and then that's when it all came tumbling out. That date was the last time I held her hand. Any later attempts by her to hold hands were pushed away.
I was a blinded moron. I tied to place too much importance on it without first doing the hard work that would take a long time to rebuild ... even back then. Never gave her the benefit of the doubt.
She said, "Wait, I might not be in the picture going forward, just because of one bad sex session??!!" Of course that morning's sex wasn't "the" reason I was unhappy, but I sure was dumbfounded as to why she obviously didn't feel any connection either, and was mysteriously OK with that!
I get that her world was crushed in by a bombshell.
Her reaction was total silence for months, followed by a short discussion where divorce was casually offered as an option.
I'm now moving closer to coming clean without being asked, because she'd naturally expect the same trust of me that I'd demand of her. So "getting her to admit it first" is now starting to feel insincere.
This shit changes by the hour.