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I told them when they asked what was wrong. My MIL proceeded to tell me that my FIL had his own affair many years ago. I was too confused to even take in that information. She told me she would be there for me, blah, blah, blah. The next conversation she told me she wouldn't take sides. I told her there was no sides to take and she refused to speak to me that night. We didn't speak for 3 months. My FIL kept calling to see how I was. It was very hurtful that she treated me this way. I guess the truth of the matter is blood will always be thicker than water.

I notice most have told the WS's family. Is this what should happen? I'm the BS and haven't said anything to his parents. We are in reconciliation (I think).

Well since mil is the OW in an over 30 year LTA - not much help there. I did tell her about it - but mostly she was upset about how it affected her (she's so npd). She did say I would always be her dil. And since she's hated me from day 1 - I have no idea what the eff that meant. She is a classic rugsweeper and hasn't said a word about it since.

Then about 6 months after Dday mil had the gall to go into a diatribe about how she was a GREAT mother and raised FWH the best way she knew how with morals and values and everything. And FWH, you turned out just great and are a great man, right?

We were in the car, speeding down a freeway and it was all I could do not to start screaming while jumping in the backseat to push her out the door. Serously, she's lucky I was wearing my seatbelt!

In laws very supportive. My family....well let's just say fWS was a little nervous about what my siblings would do. They were pissed, but fair. They are still supportive.

I notice most have told the WS's family. Is this what should happen?

I think it depends on the circumstances. In my case, FWH was staying in his parents' home (3 states away) during the most intense part of the A. His mother was very ill and about to pass away and he was supposedly helping to care for her. At the time, I thought the A was confined only to the 3 week period he had been away and I anticipated that he would be continuing to spend time in his parents' home until his mother passed. I was looking for support with monitoring his behavior and operating under the assumption that his dad and brother, regardless of their personal feelings toward me, would morally object to an A. Turns out, they already knew a great deal and didn't object. They thought I deserved it. It was not the reaction I expected.

However, had it not been for the particular circumstances in our situation, I never would have shared this information with them.

I also told my parents since I needed both emotional support and practical help from them after D-day, but they have been nothing but supportive of me, FWH and our M since they found out.

WS here: I told my family myself. They were supportive and spent hours talking to and comforting my BS and reassured us they were behind us in our recovery. I wanted to tell BS's family what an idiot I am but he wouldn't let me.

His parents called me the whore and quit talking to me and THEIR grandkids. So Christmas, the only presents under the tree were from me. Nothing from the ex-inlaws or father of my kids.

ETA. As far as the gifts go I mean from me to the kids. Ex and ex in laws send no card and no gifts to the kids! WFT? And she calls herself a Christian!

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 11:22 AM, January 4th (Wednesday)]

My nutjob ILS seem to think it's funny. I didn't know about the As for a long time, they knew all along. MIL is fond of saying to me, "Oooh, we're so glad WH picked just one to marry!!!" followed by her annoying giggle. I pretty much avoid them now.

I notice most have told the WS's family. Is this what should happen?

Our first MC advised us to tell both of our families. He said that things like this rarely stay under wraps and that it was better to be able to tell them on our terms, together, since we are in R. He suggested giving them an opportunity to digest it and ask any questions they had, and then that it was off the table for them to discuss unless one of us wanted to.

We did not follow his advice, although I sometimes wish we had. My family knows because DDay2 happened on a day they were all coming over for fWH's birthday. I had cancelled one family event with them on DDay1 and knew I couldn't just do the same with no explanation. Plus, I was certain I was going to divorce.

As for his family, I sometimes still wish we had told them. We haven't because I know they wouldn't keep it to themselves. I strongly dislike most of fWH's dad's side of the extended family, and I know our situation would be discussed at length among them. I would say we haven't really closed the door on possibly telling them at some point. It is hard for me to be around his mother and sister, given the pedestal they have fWH on as a "model" husband and father.

Ultimately, I think it really depends on the circumstances. If we had headed for D, you can bet I would have told them. I have called his mother "mom" since we were just friends back in high school. When the A was going on and he was mistreating me, I withdrew from his family and I would want her to understand what that was all about. OTOH, my SIL has been in an EA at least once, most likely twice, before. Although my MIL didn't approve, her daughter's happiness was most important to her so I have no doubt she would support me but only so far.

The only person in WH's family who knows is his dad, who immediately told him that he f$%#ed up and needed to get his head on straight. (Love that man). I haven't told anyone from my family b/c we are in R and I know my family would NOT be happy. You can't untell people things and I just don't see the point in them knowing.

My STBXWH's family has a lot of issues... FIL wrote STBXWH a nice bulletpointed note that assured him that his lurv was not troo and that STBXWH should buy a big rug and a sturdy broom... MIL had no reaction... serial-cheating drug-addled twin brother talked to STBXWH nonstop throughout the LTA but did note that the LTA would probably hurt me... and I don't know if anyone else knows. (Well, everyone else knows, as FIL can't keep his yap shut about anything... but I don't know that they know, you know?)

When, after two years post DDay#1 when STBXWH had not bothered to do even the bare minimum for R, FIL and MIL were stymied at the whole Nell-is-asking-for-a-D thing. Really? Why?? Perhaps she is going through MENOPAUSE. Bwah-hah-hah-haaaah!

FIL, if you are reading this... please stop asking my relatives out for coffee so you can talk to him about me going through The Change, as it makes them uncomfortable. Although I do get a chuckle out of hearing about your little chats.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 10:34 AM, January 4th (Wednesday)]

I notice most have told the WS's family. Is this what should happen? I'm the BS and haven't said anything to his parents. We are in reconciliation (I think).

I never told anyone about the ONS he had in 1999.

When he had the EA with his previous GF in 2008, I told his sister because I needed the support and did not know who else to talk to at that time. I was so overwhelmed from just getting out of treatment and trying to get sober. I eventually spoke to my MIL about that one because I was trying to figure out the timing of everything... OW2/old GF had told me some stuff about the timeline of their relationship vs our dating/engagement that did not match H's story. Turned out OW was telling the truth and he was actually with her when he and I met.

When I asked him to leave after the 1st dday last year, I told ILs because we live on the same property and it would have been sort of hard to hide the fact that he wasn't living there. I refused to be painted as the bad guy in this, (although it ended up happening to a certain extent) and told them to ask their son if they had any more questions about the reasons for our S.

They now know everything and I am glad. They are 100% on the side of truth and faithfulness and integrity, not on my side or his side. They are truly friends of our M now and are completely supportive of our R. If he decides to stray again, he will be left with absolutely nothing and no one except whoever he decides to stray with.