THIS IS ME! Thank you for this post.
Given the devastation that is unleashed on our lives in the wake of discovering that our spouse was unfaithful, it’s not uncommon to find ourselves holding on and attempting to fix the WS or control the Marital outcome.
I can see that I have been trying to control the marital outcome since d-day. WH lost his job two months post-dday and we have been together 24/7 since which has only increased my codependency and attempts to keep him here. As for attempting to fix him, well that has been going on for most of our relationship. Logically I know that I cannot fix him or control the marital outcome yet emotionally I cannot let go. I need to work on this for sure.
Codependency, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. Are you making your relationship more important than yourself? I know I did, prior to the affair and increased that in the aftermath of D-Day. Please let me say this as clearly as possible. You cannot make the marriage work with someone else who’s not. The harder you try the worse it will become; you do it at the detriment to yourself, putting that dysfunctional relationship first. Many BS’s here wanted my marriage so bad they were willing to negotiate with thier WS to their own emotional and mental peril.
I have made the relationship more important than myself for years. Just prior to his A I had finally let go of the codependency and was focusing on myself, working on making myself a better, stronger person...and it was during this time that he began his A and so on d-day all the old codependent behaviours came back with a vengeance. I am finding myself still stuck in my codependency and I know it has been at a great cost to myself and my mental health yet I cannot seem to find my way back to where I was before d-day. I am trying hard to find my way back but it has been so freakin' hard.
There are many reasons I have seen here on SI for the codependency within the marriage. One partner may have trouble controlling other impulses, or simply not show much interest in the partnership. It can be about controlling outcomes and assuming a motherly/fatherly role with the WS. It can be a historic need by the BS to work the partner’s problem or issue in an attempt to “fix” their problems. But other issues in a couple’s lives can foster codependence, too.
Trouble controlling impulses - that would be a massive yes for both WH and myself as we are both addicts (alcohol/gambling)
Controlling outcomes - again a massive yes on both of our parts.
Assuming a parental role - again another massive yes, moreso on my part. Not so much in the beginning of our relationship but most definitely after he lost his sight. It certainly didn't help that his mother had asked me to "take care of him" on her deathbed, since that definitely fed the codependency.
Codependency issues seem to gravitate around a few common things here on SI. The first being control. Many times the BS grabs control of the relationship and allows the WS to give less and unplug from the Marriage. They do this because they perceive the WS as out-of-control person or to have some flaw the WS refuses to address or BS is not allowing them the space to address. This dynamic allows the BS to get to be the person who is in control and thus be respected for being the responsible one or one who steps up. It allows the BS to be the better person, the smarter person, the person who’s recognized as having it all together. They’re defining themselves as strong enough to deal with it, when actually they need to realize that maybe they should be taking care of themselves instead of proving their strength. This dynamic also allows a WS to feel less than capable, if they have underlying self-esteem issues it creates a further expansion of the space by which they can spiral that place.
Wow, YES! I definitely took control and allowed WH to unplug from the marriage. I made sure the bills/mortgage were paid, did the groceries, cooked all the meals, made his coffee in the morning and his lunches, drove him to and from work, cleaned up the financial messes he made when he would go on his benders. I was looked at as the responsible one and I thrived on that. I had been so irresponsible for years that when people would tell me how responsible I was it just fed my codependency. All the while I didn't even notice that WH felt less than and that his self-esteem, which was incredibly poor to begin with, took a huge nosedive. How the hell could he possibly feel worthy when I stripped him the ability to take care of his own shit? It kills me to know what I have done to him and that I continue on in my codependent ways.
Ask yourself a few questions regarding your relationship, see if you believe your codependent to the WS or the idea of the marriage. Is this relationship more important to me than I am? While love does have a selfless element, we all want to make partner happy, do you see yourself as “the giver” and your WS “the taker”. If so you might be codependent. Giving a lot for that person because you love them is fine, but you shouldn’t be destroying yourself to give it. If I have to do that, something’s wrong.
WH and I have both taken on the roles of "giver" and "taker" throughout our relationship. When I was full on in my gambling addiction he was definitely the "giver", he would work his ass off and I as the "taker" would spend his paycheques on my habit, with no regard for him or anyone else. Then when I got clean and his alcoholism spun out of control I became the "giver" and he became the "taker". What a mess, right? It makes me incredibly sad that we have both destroyed our own selves in the process of trying to give to the other. There is so much work we need to do on this.
Ask yourself , Am I the only one putting energy into this relationship? If so you are definitely codependent and setting yourself up to be abused emotionally. You cannot make the marriage work with someone else who’s not. You need and deserve a partner, which means they give to you as much as you give to them. There is no couple when only one person is putting forth any effort, it’s a mother/father relationship
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Most days it feels like I am the only one putting energy into the marriage and I know that as a result I have allowed myself to be emotionally abused, especially with the TT. The days where I see WH putting in effort give me hope, but those days haven't happened too often. It is so tiring to keep fighting for a marriage that I am not even sure WH wants. I am trying to find my strength again right now and release myself from this codependency. Baby steps right now is all I can manage, but at least I feel like I am trying to find myself again.
Co-dependent marriages are the most abusive form of marriages. They are based on need, but are not healthy. Each partner in the marriage tries to take advantage of his or her hold on the other partner. This can often deteriorate into the sort of marriage where the two partners can neither live together nor live apart. This is where BS’s need to be aware, and stop the marriage from sliding into co-dependency. The individual needs the confidence to become independent, to stand on his own feet. There is no harm in encouraging inter-dependence, but co-dependence in a marriage must be avoided at all costs.
I can see where we both have, at times, tried to take advantage of our hold on each other. It certainly feels right now that we are in a marriage were we cannot live together or apart. It really is a toxic situation to be in and incredibly draining emotionally. I know that I need to become independent again so I can see things more clearly. I know I need to focus on myself. It is easier to know what to do than to actually do it, but I know I have to start.
