SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How have your kids handled the process of trying to reconcile?

Mine are young adult/teen and know something is up. This is the first time I have not been open and honest with my kids. It doesn't feel good, but I am not going to share as we are trying to reconcile. They have brought up that they are confused. He hasn't been attentive to me and the kids in many years, and he is beginning to change and is working on it. They see it.

I am sad about their views on marriage. My oldest said that she will never get married. That she doesn't want to give that much of herself to someone else. (Ouch - yes, I gave everything to him and did anything he wanted. I figured if I was in control of someone's life, I would give them the best life possible.)

My middle ended his first relationship and told me that the problem is that he gave 90% and she gave 10% to the relationship. He said that her 10% stood out more and was more celebrated because it was rare when she did something for him. I feel horrible about this because he was following my model. That he was accepting lower than an equal relationship because I did. I do feel good that he is learning this lesson young and will only accept an equal relationship going forward.

I didn't mean to accept a relationship that wasn't equal. My husband doesn't have as good of coping skills as me. He has had a lot of bad cards dealt to him and became very depressed. I excused a ton because of it.

My youngest is confused. He told me that he doesn't understand what is going on. That we are either being very affectionate or fighting with me crying (when I get triggered). When my husband first started doing nice things for me, he told our son that I was stressed and he wants to help me. I wasn't happy about that excuse, but I didn't want to counter it and make it bigger. My son did see this site from afar and wanted to know if I had breast or ovarian cancer because he saw the pink. It took a couple weeks for him to let that idea go because he said that he knows we are hiding something. I hate that he has that feeling.

The kids are seeing changes. We talked about how disengaged he is with the kids. He didn't just check out of the marriage; he checked out of everything including the kids. He said that he feels disconnected and wants to do better. I am helping him connect by including him on facetime calls and daily texts. I am telling him when to text and the general idea of what to say. I don't like that I'm doing that because it doesn't feel right but he needs coaching and is doing the work. I am feeling like it's ok to do so they have a better relationship with their dad. They seem to be happy about it and are noticing it. I don't know how they would feel if they knew I was helping him. I am hoping that I can eventually phase out my help and their relationships will be better independent of me.

We have always openly discussed my husband's problems with his abuses and job loss with the kids. Unfortunately, they have witnessed/ been a part of drama with extended family which needed the openness of those issues. I have discussed his depression with the kids when they bring it up.

What feedback do you have about the whole family dynamic during the trying reconciliation period? They see things happening but don't know where it's coming from.

Our biological kids handled it very badly. She got a nasty STD from her affair partner so they were aborted very early each time. So they are dead.

Also hard to conceive.

Then we got married and adopted, so my little girl knows nothing of that and she loves us both.

She will know when she is older and ready.

The good thing is both me and wayward wife are teaching her the importance of truth, honesty, how not to be prey of shame and own your mistakes by confronting and confessing.

… hopefully some day my wayward would be able to learn this for her infidelity as well

She learned o own mistakes and shame for other things though, whic is an impressive progress knowing how she was.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 8:42 PM, Monday, June 22nd]

Hi ShockShattered,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'll answer you as if I were one of your children.

I propose that you share what you've learned about being married and relationships with your children.

I empathize with your oldest. When I was in my teens, I swore the same - to never marry. Luckily, I met an amazing woman whom I've been married to for the last nine years - we married when I was 38. That's how long it took me to warm up to the idea of marriage. It took surviving a horrible relationship in my late 20s that was full of addiction problems (me, porn, her alcohol) and multiple instances of therapy throughout my life.

My parents had a chaotic relationship when I was growing up; you would never know if you saw them today in their 70s - they are almost the perfect couple. I don't know if there was any infidelity, but they did have a codependency situation (my diagnosis). My mom has never been healthy and has battled both physical and mental ailments her entire life. My dad, though a good man and father, was an a-hole (the kind that is proud of being one). They fought incessantly, and the tension in our house was near constant.

The worst part of my day was coming home. A few years ago, my siblings shared that they felt the same, so the terrible home situation lasted decades - I'm the oldest, being 5 years older than my brother, and 15 years older than my sister.

Three years ago, my mom was hospitalized, and we were concerned she was approaching the end of her life. Mom and Dad were brokenhearted because they were estranged from my siblings, and I was the only one who came to the hospital. I felt the obligation to no longer sweep our problems under the rug and took the opportunity to discuss our family situation with my parents, but it fell on deaf ears.

I grew up in the US but was born in a developing country. My parents immigrated to the US with me when I was a young boy. My parents grew up during the reign of a horrible dictator and the nation's recovery after his assassination. What I described as mine and my siblings' trauma didn't even register as such to either of them. My mom literally asked me multiple times, "What trauma [did any of you experience]?"

I think you are in a much better position than my parents, because you are aware of how you could have been different in your marriage.

As kids, we think our parents' relationship is the standard and have no concept that they are figuring it out as they go along. I don't think you need to explain why you're having trouble today; simply share the life lessons.

What I wish my parents had done is tell us something along the lines of - "See how we did that? That's not the way it should have been done. We know now that this is the way to do it, and we're working on making it so."

I hope that helps.

[This message edited by IThinkTooMuch at 9:07 PM, Monday, June 22nd]

BackfromtheStorm - I am so sorry to hear about what you've been through. Gut wrenching. I am so happy for you that you have a little girl who is clearly loved. And that you are directly teaching values.

IThinkTooMuch - Yeah, I didn't model the best marriage because I was accepting that he could give nothing while I gave everything. And I excused it for him. While I do think that sometimes someone in a relationship may need more support at times than the other, it does need to even out. He was so selfish to take advantage of my caring, worrying, and loving him through his depression while he was living a double life.

Thank you both for sharing. It has been helpful and I have been thinking about it.

It's taking me some time to realize and accept that I made my life around my husband and kids and didn't consider myself. The 180 is helping with that even though I am not entirely sure what I want out of the rest of my life yet.

We have a milestone anniversary coming up. I chose to be myself and give a sentimental gift that I would have given if he hadn't cheated. We are trying and I am still going to move forward the way I want even if it's a risk of more heartbreak. My youngest said "This is really sweet. What will you do if he doesn't do anything for you?" I was stunned for a minute that this is what he thinks but it has happened before. I think of the times I bought myself gifts for Mother's Day or my birthday and gave it to the kids to wrap and give to me on the day knowing that he probably wasn't going to do anything for me. (This is also why I was sickened that he did so much for strangers that he was having sex with - running around getting things to please them like flowers, candy, candles etc.). I told my kid that I will be hurt and will figure out what to do then. Not the best answer but I was hurt and surprised that he said that.

My husband will have to change and put in efforts if R is successful. Hopefully that will be a better model. He already is making some progress.

I really hate going through this.

I have a hard time with this… I tend to say things just like I see them and I wonder if my message will get across and/or if it might sound cruel.

But…
Based on your posts on various threads:

This husband and father is the man who was fired. You never told us why he was fired.

He’s spent the last years with supposedly 4 hours in the gym, and 4 hours working on his new business and/or applying for jobs. Despite several years, neither his new business nor his career search seems to have been successful. Maybe because within that 8 hour timeframe he was also active on sexually oriented sites and apps.

This man has been commanding/dominating the family finances, despite you being the only one with a steady income. You have financed the last years using savings.

This is the man who traveled alone to some event despite your protests and despite you two not really having the finances for it.

I know I’m painting a really dark picture. I don’t doubt that with the right aptitude and work you two can reconcile. But I wonder what the kids are seeing, and how that deviates from what they expect from a partner, man, and father.
They don’t see a united front. Don’t see communications, respect and solidarity from their mom and dad.
They see pain in their mom, and probably avoidance and arrogance from their dad.
They don’t see a man stepping up to the plate, raising his arm and acknowledging that he was wrong.
They don’t see a man who swallows his pride and goes to work as the assistant manager at a grocery-store despite having worked at mid-level corporate management before getting fired.
They don’t see a man who acknowledges that his business idea he’s been working on for 4-5 years isn’t feasible and still talks about how one day his site for ersatz unicorn-horn dust will be bringing in the gold.

Personally – based on what you post (and that’s all I have to go on) I think he’s seriously depressed, to the point where he’s incapable of real positive steps to health. He too realizes that he’s failing all the "typical" and stereotypical roles of manhood: provide, be safe, reliable and support.

I see you are focusing on your marriage, and I get that. But he really needs to put A LOT of work into his mental health. Like A LOT.

Some steps I think would help him:
You both assume responsibility for finances (as you already have started). That includes creating a budget where MAYBE stuff like the gym-membership is cancelled until INCOME covers all the bills.
He seeks IC and maybe even get’s some medication to tear him out of his inertia and depression.
He finds work that brings an income for AT LEAST 6-8 hours per day. One Golden Rule of finding a job is that it’s always easier to find a job if you are already in one. When applying, the recruiters don’t have to question why there is a multi-year gap in his employment.
His business? He makes a fair evaluation of it’s feasibility, and if he wants to keep it he works after the paying job.

He actively makes amends to his kids and acknowledges his shortcomings.

I have a feeling that when your kids see a man take responsibility and be accountable for his mistakes, and take action to change for the positive their stance on all aspects family-life will change in a positive way.

I think some truth (censored appropriately) is needed with your kids.

When my oldest brother’s first marriage ended, my mother took some of the blame b/c my brother didn’t know how to handle the inevitable rough patch and disagreements. And my mom realized that she and my dad had only showed us the sunshine and rainbows bit. We never saw them work through things and come out the other side. And so we missed out on seeing the WORK that it can take for a marriage, whether it be recovering from an A or whatever challenge an M faces. She apologized to my brothers and I and told us about some of the dark times they went through (no A, but they did not always see eye-to-eye on some things).

You can say that you guys have been going through a tough time and are working on it. They don’t need the gritty details, but they SEE what is going on, so give them some context for it. They may have guessed anyway - movies always show the cheating spouse bringing flowers or love bombing, so they may be deducing that something like that has happened…

Isn’t infidelity the gift that keeps on giving?

Our son was 15 at the time. We told him, without too much detail, that dad had had an A and with whom. Our fanilies vacationed together. Our son babysat for OW’s kids. There was no avoiding it.

Honestly, he’s seen his father and mother morph from an ok marriage to something much stronger. He’s had a front row seat to humans messing up and atoning.

While the A was horrible, seeing us grow doesn’t seem like a bad thing

On D-Day I pulled my oldest two boys, 19 and 18, into the garage and told them things between Mom and I are not good right now. I said you boys are smart and you're going to pick up on it fairly quickly and I just want you to know that what's going on has absolutely nothing to do with you guys. I said your younger brother is too young to recognize that something is wrong so I will not be having the same conversation with him

They just said okay. The next day when my wife came home from work I said there is a suitcase upstairs and I need you to leave so I can think. She went upstairs, packed the bag, came downstairs and told the two older boys that this is all on her and then she told me she was leaving and she walked out

I can still remember the look on my middle boys face. He gave me a how could you be such an a-hole look. He didn't know what was going on, but he was blaming me. That hurt pretty bad. I'm guessing he assumed that I did something wrong and that's why Mom was leaving, even though she said this is all on her

My oldest just kept everything to himself. He is overly sensitive and it was bothering him immensely, to the point that he sought out talking with a counselor at the college he was attending. He was scared to death that we were splitting up

Here's where it's a bit odd for my youngest. My wife left Friday afternoon and I let her come back home Sunday afternoon. The whole time she was gone he never once asked where is mom.

Later on I asked my wife what she thought about us discussing with the kids would have taken place and how we are working on reconciliation because I wanted them to see that relationships have ups and downs, sometimes they are pretty bad, but this is how married people try to reconcile problems. I did not want them making assumptions as to what had taken place.

My wife was dead set against it. I'm assuming she had her own interests at heart. Talking with my oldest brother, who had been a lifesaver for me during all of this, agreed with my wife. He said your kids do not need to know details

I think the kids assume that my wife had an affair. What I don't like is them making assumptions as to what exactly took place and I would like to set the facts straight but doesn't look like that's going to happen

My wife was a bit uncomfortable the first time she had to see my oldest brother at a family function because he knew everything. I didn't tell anybody else in our family nor did I tell any of my friends. She told her BFF and her younger sister.