SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me (41m), BW (35f) for over 6 years, married over 2.

DDay - yesterday (Jan 19th)

On Saturday (17th) I made the worst mistake of my life and had a ONS with a mutual friend while my pregnant BW was away for the weekend. Alcohol was involved but is obviously no excuse. Ever since I’ve been drowning in guilt - barely been able to eat, not really sleeping. I know I deserve this and so much more.

I told her almost immediately upon her return - I didn’t want to break this news over phone/text. She was devastated. We both broke down separately on the floor, out of eye sight from one another. She didn’t direct any hurtful words at me, but she said a number of things that still tore me apart. This is our first baby and is nigh a miracle; she said that even though she’s wanted a child for so long she regretted that she was pregnant. That hurt so much worse than any insult or physical object she could have thrown at me.

I wish there was some way I could help. I wish I could take her pain. But mostly I wish I wasn’t so fucking stupid. I destroyed my relationship with my best friend, the person I care about the most in the world.

I was intentionally vague about the intimate details when I told her about the ONS, but I told her I’d be forthcoming if she asked. Before she went to bed she did ask for those details, which I answered to the best of my recollection.

I am regret. I am shame. My heart reels watching the woman I love so deeply go through this pain that I caused. I wish I was a better person.

She asked "why" it happened. Said it was psychopathic for me to have done this now, given our situation. I don’t really recall how it even started that night; I think I was just excited that someone was showing interest? I need to figure out the why, not just for her but for me, if I ever want to be better, so I can be sure that this never happens again. I’ve have an initial appointment with an IC today, and I hope this is the first step on my journey of self discovery.

BW doesn’t think she can confide in anyone, doesn’t have anyone to talk to. I understand that; right now I don’t think I can tell anyone I know either. I suggested she find forums, or even get her own IC, but I think the wound is still too raw. She needs a little more time to process on her own first. At least I’ve had time to peruse these forums as I’ve been wallowing in self-pity, and now that I’ve joined I’m hoping I can find some community. A common theme I’ve seen around here is "be careful who you tell, because you can’t un-tell". I get that, but when I’m the person she would usually confide in and I’m the one who caused her so much pain, where can I direct her?

She said she doesn’t know what to do about the relationship. That her options of staying and leaving are both terrible. I told her I recognize that, I apologized again, and said that she doesn’t have to decide now. That I’d do whatever she wanted to because I need to face the consequences for my mistake. But I told her I still loved her so much and wanted to make this work, and I would do anything to keep us together. It hasn’t been 24 hours since D so I don’t know what will happen. But I know that this mistake will haunt me forever. I can’t imagine my life without her, but I know that’s a very real possibility. It terrifies me. I wish I’d had that same realization on Saturday.

I feel like a hollow shell. I know I need to find strength to support her in whatever ways she’ll allow me. But how do I find that strength when I'm just so damned sad?

I don’t have a lot of advice for you other than to suggest you immediately stop using the word "mistake" for cheating. The word "selfish, cruel, choice" is more appropriate. Your wife does not want to hear it was a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice you made knowing it was cruel, hurtful, and wrong.

I don’t have a lot of advice for you other than to suggest you immediately stop using the word "mistake" for cheating. The word "selfish, cruel, choice" is more appropriate. Your wife does not want to hear it was a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice you made knowing it was cruel, hurtful, and wrong.

You are right, thank you for this OTOSOH.

Hello, EnemyNo1.

There's a thread pinned to the top of this forum entitled: "Things that every WS needs to know." Please read it.

In the drop down menu at the top of the page you'll find a link to The Healing Library. Inside the Articles tab is a wealth of excellent essays written by veteran SI members. Some of these essays might be helpful to you and your wife.

Understand that for most people the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. It takes several months just to recover from the shock and years to heal. It can permanently and fundamentally change the nature of a relationship.

You have a fairly unique problem on top of all of this with your BW (betrayed wife) being pregnant. Most BS (betrayed spouses) will have serious problems sleeping, eating, and functioning normally (the shock). Please do whatever you can to encourage her to eat, stay hydrated. Help out more than usual with household chores. I cannot say with any certainly that this may complicate her pregnancy, but I'd imagine that it's possible. I'd highly recommend that she make an extra appointment with her OB/GYN as soon as possible and let her know what's going on.

I'm sure this goes without saying, but all contact with the OW (other woman) must immediately stop, forever.

If your wife has a good friend or family member with whom she can confide, encourage her to do so. She needs someone to talk to. I'm sure you'd rather not endure the exposure. However, you're likely to have to suck it up and take the heat. Being pregnant, giving birth, and having a newborn is hard enough without dealing with the shitstorm your ONS has created.

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair," by Linda MacDonald, is a must read. It's a short book packed with incredible wisdom and guidance. Buy a hard copy and read it a few times.

Most of all, apologize often. Let her know through actions that you love her and want to stay married. Go the extra mile, you know, every day, in every way you can think of.

Don't ever ask for her forgiveness.

Reconciliation is possible. It's not easy. It takes time and two very committed people.

EN1: You have no idea of the cruelty of your lousy choice right now being realized by the woman who loves you so much that she wanted to have your child. After 6 years, and now when your BW is at her most vulnerable (pregnant with your child - her first child). You decided to cheat and hurt her beyond measure. And, with a mutual friend - so, a double betrayal. But, I know very well as the same similar scenario happened to me. For her sake, I hope she makes the right choice for herself and her child, which in my opinion would be a future without you and mutual friend in it. (No stop sign here). If not she will - for the rest of her days with you have this awful memory to carry with her and also wonder when the next horrific surprise moment will arrive and I predict that it will. Again and again.

Thank you for your advice Unhinged. I've read the pinned thread you recommended, as well as most of the articles in the Healing Library. I was able to find a copy of the book by Linda MacDonald that I read as well. (I've had a lot of time to read over the last 48 hours.)

Contact with the OW is over. At some point I'll need to address informing her OBS, but my plan is to address that with my BS at some point in the future.

I might not want to endure the exposure of BS' feelings, but if she's open to expressing them to me I will listen, validate, and apologize as often as I can. I am committed to doing everything it takes to R with her, again as long as she is open to it.

I understand your pain, it was opportunistic betrayal.

You likely have a low self worth issue and need for validation (as your mutual friend, that makes the pain deeper, as it wasn't just enough).

Okay, you messed up, is good you told immediately, you took accountability, is an important step, it means you do not only feel shame but guilt.

Without guilt no Reconciliation is possible.

In this moment she will be hurting a lot, is in the shock phase, it will get worse, much worse, so you will have a challenge ahead, considering what happened and that she needs your care because the baby.

You need to try to care for her physical well being. It will be hard as she starts along the path of betrayal trauma, but is the right thing to do. Listen to her, no matter how it hurts, your decision hurted more, she needs to see that you "might" still be a safe partner even if you choose to betray her.

Now read about WS guide.
You can read around the BS posts to understand what expects her and you from down here. The rollearcoaster started, it cannot be stopped, but is not said the final word until it is over.

Be aware that the wound is very deep, who did not suffer it can hardly understand it, trust me, you do not want to ever experience it, is worse than being shot or seriously harmed physically.

You are hurting and that is true as well. It is a good thing, it will help you to grow from this and never relapse on betrayal (if you put the work and resolve the issues).

Mind that she might go either way with your relationship from here on. That mean split or give the chance of R (is not automatic, R requires the BS to keep the pain of betrayal and try to heal the bond instead of running away and healing themselves).

Do not expect a second chance is due, because it is not, but your threading now when she needs the most can help her see through her decision the moment that she will have room to think it over when the hurt and grief stabiizes just enough to give her few moments of break from the pain.

No grand gestures, consistency and respect. I wish you both well.

Thank you for your comment icangetpastthis. I removed the stop sign because I wanted to get perspectives from both sides.

I've read enough stories about R on this forum to know that her anxiety of a recurrence is likely never going to go away. That she may never be able to look at me the same way again. But I know that I'm going to put in as much work as it takes to become a better person. Even if she decides she'd rather D, I will continue to do that work because I never want to hurt anyone this way ever again.

BackfromtheStorm, thank you so much for your reply.

You likely have a low self worth issue and need for validation (as your mutual friend, that makes the pain deeper, as it wasn't just enough).

This does resonate. I just finished my initial consultation with an IC that was very promising, just need to figure out the logistics of insurance so I can start. She described me as "ripe", with all of my feelings at the forefront ready to be processed. I feel like I need to start working on this ASAP because I don't have a great coping strategy right now.

Mind that she might go either way with your relationship from here on. That mean split or give the chance of R (is not automatic, R requires the BS to keep the pain of betrayal and try to heal the bond instead of running away and healing themselves).

Do not expect a second chance is due, because it is not

I know this is true. What I did is unforgivable, and I could not blame her for wanting to D. I am going to try and be there for her as much as possible, but I recognize that the fate of our M ultimately rests with her.

With that in mind, Unhinged and BackfromtheStorm, you both mentioned apologizing often. BS works full time; what should the boundaries be around texting her during the day? It's a bad idea at this moment, right? I don't want to pull her focus away from her job and prod the wound.

Suggestion - search the internet for "When a man cheats on his pregnant wife."

You might find information that will help your wife and possibly help you figure out yourself.