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Newest Member: silverfx42

Reconciliation :
One Big Dig

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 low tide (original poster member #86539) posted at 9:41 PM on Thursday, October 16th, 2025

Yesterday, my psychiatrist asked me to put myself in my wife's shoes, as an "assignment," and let him know what I would do if I were her.

After the session, I became triggered and asked for clarification whether he was referring to the past or the present. After not hearing back from him, I emailed him and copied my wife—we both recently saw him for several sessions, and I needed to be honest with her. I wrote the following:

Thank you for seeing me this morning.

I'm copying M. with this email because I understand that marriage requires honesty and transparency.

Perhaps I’m overthinking your assignment, but I’m finding myself triggered and anxious. I’m uncertain whether you want me to put myself in M.'s shoes decades ago, when she began her infidelity, or today.

Concerning the former, if I found myself compelled to get into someone’s bed absent any contact with them anywhere other than at work—weeks before our wedding day—I would certainly not have proceeded with our "wedding." I would have honestly explained that I’m not ready to marry. Most importantly, I would never have proffered vows that were utter lies.

If I were to put myself in M.'s shoes today, I would recognize that the only way for my spouse to overcome and heal is with honesty. I would share the whole truth—not trickle truths and lies—to preserve "my dignity." I would accept that my choices have destroyed my spouse's life—and take immediate, responsible action to make things right today.

I’m trying to accept M.'s infidelity—living with her in the absence of trust. The days are challenging, and the nights are painful. It remains my hope that someday M. will put my need to hear a consistent, truthful narrative over her need to "bury" decades of betrayal and deceit that continues today.

Thank you for being there for me.

Well.... After not hearing my wife's thoughts on the email, I calmly asked what she thought. She stated, "That was one big dig!" Admittedly, I decompensated worse than I ever have, told her to get the F out of the house, punched the wall, and was ready to hang myself. I thought of my mother and my promise to turn to her first if I were ever not safe.

Fast-forward. My wife left the house, drove around overnight, and ultimately returned home. I apologized for my egregious comments and behavior.

Here's my dilemma. I shared the email with my psychiatrist, who just met with us, and my wife, because it was how I truly felt. I thought that modelling authentic, honest sharing of feelings might stimulate the same in her. Apparently, I was wrong.

I would welcome and appreciate your thoughts about this. Thank you, friends.

—Betrayed and trickled to death for over three decades.

Low Tide

posts: 56   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2025   ·   location: New York
id 8879887
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 12:36 AM on Friday, October 17th, 2025

I would ask your therapist and your wife if being honest about you feel -- is somehow offensive to them.

When I saw 'big dig' I thought it meant you dug deep for some of your feelings, and you did.

If by "dig" your wife was offended by your truth, that's a pretty big hill to climb.

I would still ask her how your pain offends her.

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4975   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8879893
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 12:53 AM on Friday, October 17th, 2025

Twenty-five years.

Brother, I'm stumped right here. I've read your posts. All of them. I can, and usually do, emphasize with just about every member, betrayed and wayward.

For twenty-five years you've chosen this life. Don't blame your wife or therapists or anyone else.

Please understand that I am not trying to be an ass, to attack or judge. I'm simply trying to share what I see based upon what you have shared.

You're never going to get the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Expecting this to change seems like folly because it clearly never ceases to disappoint you that it never happens.

Chances are your WW has told so many lies, to herself more than you, over sooo many decades she couldn't do it anyway.

So what's the point of continuing to beat your head against a wall you're never going to crack?

Why keep choosing this life?

Because without the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth you can't heal? You've convinced yourself of this bullshit for twenty-five years and you wonder why you're losing your love for life?

Healing is a choice. For twenty-five years you've made a choice to fight a battle you cannot win.

What's it going to take to make a different choice?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 1:48 AM, Friday, October 17th]

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6919   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8879894
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 2:03 AM on Friday, October 17th, 2025

I know this is going to maybe be a weird thing to say but I can empathize with both of you.

I can see how much pain this causes you after a very long investment in life with a women you meant your own vows with. I can understand how her insensitive reactions to you pain is only further degrading, dehumanizing, demoralizing, and infuriating.

And I have been in her shoes. When you have not worked on your own healing at all, you carry a toxic shame. Shame is not an emotion, it’s an underlying belief that you are bad. Having other people know your dirty secret only confirms what you already know, that you are bad and the person who knows you best and has lived you also now sees you have that mark of Cain so to speak. It can be difficult to face yourself, much less the disappointment of others. All while being a hollow person who only understands validation to come from external sources rather than from your solid belief in your own self.

This does not give her the right to keep hurting you, but until (a big if) she decides to lean into taking accountability and getting a more solid vision of what a better version of her as a person, wife, friend, parent, etc would look like then she is not going to be capable of meeting you where you are.

And certainly you should not be expected to meet her where she is, you should be honest and truthful. While she is recoiling from it and having a reaction to it, that doesn’t mean that it won’t make her think about it more and be water for her growth.

You should not think you did the wrong thing just because she reacted badly. Nothing you said was abusive in nature, it was simply what you should be able to do and that is share your pain. She will either learn to lean into that as part of her growth or she will not earn the chance to reconcile. I do not see how shielding her from the reality of the situation she has created will be helpful.

8 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 8324   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8879898
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Formerpeopleperson ( member #85478) posted at 6:27 AM on Friday, October 17th, 2025

Low tide,

Your wife doesn’t care as much as you do.

She just doesn’t care as much as you do.

Best wishes.

It’s never too late to live happily ever after

posts: 371   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2024
id 8879907
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 9:47 AM on Friday, October 17th, 2025

I would recognize that the only way for my spouse to overcome and heal is with honesty.

I can see that you feel it is the only way to heal, so am not going to remonstrate with you on that as others have tried on your previous posts and I feel like a bit of a broken record on it myself.

I am however going to ask you if at any point in the exercise did you manage to actually put yourself in your wife’s shoes? From what you have written, it feels like it was too hard for you to do, as the narrating ‘I’ was you not her ‘I would…’ etc., seemingly without for example considering the shame suggested by Hiking, or other considerations. Hence perhaps your wife’s comment, sarcastic perhaps about a big dig, since perhaps you didn’t dig very far?

But it may simply be you feel you have been trying the empathy bit it for a long time in order to maintain the marriage and what sounds like considerable co-dependency on/ in it. It all feels very intense and exhausting. Has something recently happened to dial it up to this point or have the last twenty five years been so intense? Do you two have any down time? Is there marital harmony otherwise? Or is this issue ever present? Might SI be too triggering for someone with OCD?

It’s not that I don’t get your dilemma. You’re trying to remain married to someone you don’t trust and who you don’t feel is able to put your needs before her own, it’s extremely hard for you. I don’t understand her reasons for withholding, (if that’s what she’s doing, she may be continually trying to give you what she thinks you want in terms of information?), so I can also see it is hard to put yourself in her shoes as withholding seems illogical, and yet it may be very logical in her private logic. I’m guessing the psychiatrist wanted you to try to understand her private logic as part of the empathy exercise. I’m curious how you would know the truth if it were forthcoming? What would satisfy you? To what level of detail?

You’re at a painful impasse. What does meeting in the middle look like to you? Is it at all possible?

Like Hiking, I empathise with both of you. There are two private logics here… they are I feel the place to start. Focusing on yours could be very helpful for you.

[This message edited by Edie at 9:50 AM, Friday, October 17th]

posts: 6677   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8879916
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:28 PM on Friday, October 17th, 2025

I agree with Unhinged 100%.

You have gotten all that you can expect from your wife. It's been 25 years. If anything was going to change, it would have.

You have reached the point where your behavior is escalating to violence (unching walls, acting destructively) and you seriously contemplating killing yourself.

For the sake of the well-being of you and your wife, I think it's time you stop living a lie and get out of this marriage.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:28 PM, Friday, October 17th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2375   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8879942
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 2:36 PM on Friday, October 17th, 2025

It looks like you just used it as one more attempt to manipulate your wife, rather than as a means to give you insight.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3421   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8879947
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 4:49 PM on Friday, October 17th, 2025

HoP-

It looks like you just used it as one more attempt to manipulate your wife, rather than as a means to give you insight.

Taken as a singular action by LT, it sure is just that.

However, if one spent a quarter century asking for the truth, and his WS sees no compelling reason to offer it, I understand the sense of desperation at this late stage.

That aside, I also think LT needs to take better charge of his own healing, as others have observed here.

In fact, LT, I think your next step should be to figure out what life will be without the answers you want from your wife. Assuming she isn't gong to change at all, what now?

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4975   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8880003
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 5:58 PM on Friday, October 17th, 2025

However, if one spent a quarter century asking for the truth, and his WS sees no compelling reason to offer it, I understand the sense of desperation at this late stage.


Well, the exercise is for him to figure out what he would do if he was her.

It’s pretty obvious that she is comfortable in the current situation, just having to deal with some badgering and "big rips" which she obviously can tolerate. So to be brutally honest, if I was her, I would not change a thing.

If I was her, I would not change until the external environment changed.

Guess who controls the external environment?

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3421   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8880011
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 low tide (original poster member #86539) posted at 8:06 PM on Friday, October 17th, 2025

Thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.

Respectfully, I feel like I'm a member of the Broken Toys Club. I'm feeling a ton of unresolved, projected feelings of anger and rage.

My need is rather simple and evidence-based: to understand the truth—what happened with the only woman I have ever loved, married, and have been with—and how to cope with the truth of her years of infidelity and ongoing betrayal—trickle truths and changing narratives.

Yesterday, I finally shared my painful story with a close friend, a police officer with over three decades of service. He asked two simple questions that no one has ever asked: 1) Why isn't your wife pursuing help to understand why she did what she did, and 2) Why have I become the designated patient?

When I returned home, my wife, whom I had been transparent with about what I was going to do, asked what D. thought about our situation. Within one hour, she returned to the room and told me that she had scheduled an intake session with a specialist in infidelity to help her understand why she did what she did and how to be fully transparent with me about what happened during our marriage.

Misery loves company. For me, and with all due respect, I don't need condemnation—but rather, empathy, sensitivity, and compassion.

Notwithstanding, I truly appreciate your efforts in trying to help.

Low Tide

posts: 56   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2025   ·   location: New York
id 8880036
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 8:53 PM on Friday, October 17th, 2025

with all due respect, I don't need condemnation

Who’s condemning you? You’re projecting that. Our sympathy for your decades long struggle causes us to plead with you to DO SOMETHING to help yourself.

And now you FINALLY did. And "finally" is your own word, not mine:

I finally shared my painful story with a close friend

And lo and behold, something changed! Your W finally had a reason to do something - you told someone else, presumably someone she knows as well. Congratulations - you are starting to get it, and it’s great your W responded favorably.

Careful now, if you keep this up, you just might find the road to healing ;)

posts: 654   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8880052
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 low tide (original poster member #86539) posted at 10:23 PM on Friday, October 17th, 2025

Condemnation denotes a deliberate and unequivocal expression of strong disapproval.

The tenor of your correspondence reflects a palpable undercurrent of unresolved anger—precisely the dynamic I identified.

To conclude with the remark, "Careful now, if you keep this up, you just might find the road to healing ;)" is both sarcastic and inappropriate, undermining the seriousness of my post.

I appreciate your message, as it inadvertently affirms the accuracy and authenticity of my initial response.

Low Tide

posts: 56   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2025   ·   location: New York
id 8880069
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 11:01 PM on Friday, October 17th, 2025

low tide, this little community of ours is brimming over with compassion and empathy. They're mainstays, a bonus of sorts, but not the reasons for SI's existence.

We are here to help one another survive infidelity. Often enough this includes helping people to get out of their own way.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6919   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8880071
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CantBeMeEither ( new member #83223) posted at 12:32 AM on Saturday, October 18th, 2025

Low Tide, I am almost in exactly the same boat as you, in every respect. You are not alone.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2023
id 8880073
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 12:38 AM on Saturday, October 18th, 2025

LT-

I think everyone here is someone who has dealt with the trauma of this, and all anyone can do is offer their best advice based on how they found a way to heal.

That aside, all of the advice in the world only gets you some ideas, at the end of the day, only you can do the work to heal you.

Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4975   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8880074
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 10:20 AM on Saturday, October 18th, 2025

Low Tide,

There’s a useful article ‘what every WS needs to know’ that you usefully could print up for your wife, since she’s interested in trying to understand. It may be in the Healing Library. Another article for you both is ‘Joseph’s Letter’ which usefully explains why a BS needs to understand the whys and whats of the infidelity.

I’ll have a look later for them.

ETA please strategise in advance how you will be a safe partner to receive the infidelity details. The kind of reaction you had earlier is not safe and not conducive to the honest discussions you want.

I hope this next process if handled well by you both begins to heal the marriage and reiterate that only you can heal you.

[This message edited by Edie at 10:25 AM, Saturday, October 18th]

posts: 6677   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8880092
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