SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

I am not sure how to fit this all without making it 100 pages but I will try my best. I have never spoken to anyone about this in over 20 years due to embarrassment and just not wanting people to know, worrying about what they would think of me or my wife. I am not sure why I cared about what they thought about her I was more nervous on how awkward it would feel being around people knowing she cheated on me. I will try to get this all out as best I can in a timeline.

In 2001 we decided to move to the East coast for me to change careers, it was totally agreed upon by both my wife was 100% on board and was told if she had any hesitation then we can absolutely not go. Of course nobody counted on September 11th happening which affected my new career choice and put everything on hold. I continued my schooling and worked. My wife who also found a job in her career field. After a long delay and now at the end of 2002 I had an opportunity to get some experience which would lead to a job in my new career but would have to go back to the West Coast. After long talks my wife wanted to stay on the East coast so she didn't have to keep leaving jobs after a short time and would move with me once I started the new position wherever that may be. That made since to me and we both agreed. Looking back maybe she also wanted to stay for other reasons ??

So after we spent the holidays with family at the end of 2002 I stayed and she went back East in January of 2003. We talked and texted all the time and I flew back a few times to see her and she also flew out twice to see me. I also booked a cruise for us at the End of June 2003. So now towards the end of July I get a call from seeing when I could come back out because she wanted to tell me something?? I wasn't sure what it was but she said she preferred in person. I made it out there in less than a week and when she picked me up and the airport and started driving back to our apartment I was "What's this information you need to tell me?" She said I am pregnant !! I was so excited! "We had been trying or atleast not using protection for the few years hoping it would happen. We were both checked after a year. She was normal and I had like 80% sperm but was told that is just fine and our time would hopefully come soon. It was great news it finally happened!

Now the bombshell. As we walk into the apartment I start putting my stuff away and then she says I need to say something else. I have been having an affair and not sure who's baby it is!! As I have read I went through every emotion possible. I went from the highest high about her being pregnant to the lowest low all in 20 min. I was young in 20's and didn't know what to do or say or act. I yelled called her names and was just totally lost. She told me it was a guy at her office who she introduced me to before we left for the holidays !!! "She says nothing was going on then. I still don't believe her." I told her never to speak with him again and she agreed. I wanted to know more but didn't know how to process anything. I still remember she had no remorse, never said I am sorry, nothing. She then said I have to go to bed, I have work in the morning. I slept on the couch and the next day she got up and left for work. I then pulled all the phone records online seeing the 1000's of calls and texts between them at all hours of the day and night. "He is also married" Funny thing is when I turned on the printer something started to print that was obviously in the cue from before. It prints out something along the lines of "Are these zodiac signs compatible for marriage?". One was hers I am guess the other was his because it wasn't mine.

Without dragging this part any further I like some just wanted it to go away I wanted the hurt and pain to stop so I just didn't ask about it or talk about it. We went to the doctor and she said about the date when the baby was conceived and it was possible to be mine because it was around the cruise time. "We never said a word to the doctor just ourselves". After I heard that I felt relief and never asked about the affair much at all. I just wanted it to go away. Never told a soul.

These were the things I was told about the affair:

They only had sex 3 times, never in our bed. The first time was on our couch, the others at 2 different hotels.

As I said before I just wanted it to go away so never said much after that. I did speak with the AP once when I was in a mood swing and told him he better tell his wife because if he doesn't I will. He then told me that even if the baby is his it would be great for my wife and I because we had been trying for a while. That literally sent me into a rage that I would be in jail now if he was anywhere near me. I couldn't believe he would say that and also that my wife was talking with him about it.

After that I received my new job in my new career and we moved in December of 2003. We never talked about it again until a couple years ago when I found all the phone records that I had printed out as well as the zodiac sign thing.

I will say thing that sometimes during sex she suddenly didn't like things that she always did before and just acted like I was crazy for thinking like that. Occasionally I would say you changed after your affair.

20 years later. I will try to keep this short and can fill in the blanks if needed. 2023 I find all that paperwork I kept. Honestly incase there was a divorce I wanted evidence, atleast in my mind I felt better. I actually showed her I found it and was going to throw it away and then asked her if she wanted to come clean about what really happened because she literally told me nothing except sex 3 times. I can't remember the comment she made but it was like something came over me and it made everything like it just happened the ay before. I realized that in my mind she got away with everything, had her fun, had her kids, and nobody but me got to suffer. I thought about it for almost a week and all the anger, hurt, etc.. all came back and this time I wanted answers. So I came up with a plan to challenge her and get answers I never got and boy do things change now.

I told her I was able to read almost all her old emails and texts and what she told me wasn't true that there was alot more. Hoping she wouldn't call my bluff. So now after what you guys call the trickle truth and my very good memory as well as knowing when I am getting BS'd or her stories don't match, this is what I learned.

She would meet with him atleast 3-4 times a week and fool around and have sex in his car. They had 3-4 dates where they went to dinner and then hotels where he would leave after sex because he had to go back to his wife and she would stay the night. They also had sex atleast 2 times in our bed.

Oh it gets better.

One of times they were on a date night and at a hotel I called her. I absolutely remember the call because she just sounded different but told me she was with a girl and her husband from work and having dinner at her house. WELL, actually while they were literally having sex they decided it would be funny to answer and talk to me while they were fucking in the hotel. This took about 3 different times to get the truth because her other stories never matched. Just curious how many people has that every happened????

Also, when we were on our anniversary cruise she had texted him and called him saying she wished I wasn't there and instead the AP celebrating their anniversary. She was also texting him the day I had to fly back after the cruise basically a countdown until I was gone because she missed him so much. She literally dropped me at the airport and drove straight to him.

So imagine me hearing all this now, 20 years later. We had sex maybe 3 times on the cruise, they had sex numerous times before and after the cruise. Now who's baby is this? The baby which is now 20. They also met and had sex after I said never talk to him again.

Now lets throw in the one of our apartment neighbors. She said she started talking to him as soon as she got back home after the holidays when we were first apart. We had met him a few times but just as a passing neighbor. She said she thought it would be a good idea to know someone if something happened. Well. we had plenty of couples that we had met and said if she needs anything to call as well as another neighbor we met that was very religious and would give the shirt off his back for anyone, so I knew her story was BS.

She started to try pot and would smoke with this other neighbor off and on. That turned into them making food for each other and she would watch his daughter off and on. Then she decided to hop on his lap one night hoping to fuck, supposedly he said aren't you married? she said yes and he got up and left. Then another time he knocked on the door and she just grabbed his dick as he stood at the door and supposedly again said aren't you married and left. Now, finally one night they are outside smoking and he asked for a handjob ! Sounds like she was more than willing. getting the truth out of this also took a few different versions from her but basically she said sure and walked in our apartment got undressed and into our bed. For a handjob ?? sounded weird to me. Which that turned into now a blowjob that supposedly he never finished just got up halfway through said thank you and left ?? Still calling BS on that !!!

Oh and lets not forget the night she is out with friends at the beach having drinks and some mystery man just began kissing her but she supposedly help up her ring and said IM MARRIED. HAAHA Then not 10 minutes later in a mystery parking lot that doesn't exist "believe me I looked". She see's some guy that she has maybe seen once in her life late at night after drinking and walks over to him and says hi. Then he grabs her hand and rubs it on his cock ??? Once again she holds up hand and says IM MARRIED? wow that's way too convenient. Still trying to get the real truth

Either way to end all this. Imagine if I had known all this 20 years ago!! I most likely would have been gone. Now here I am 20 years later with 3 kids. Wondering who the oldest belongs to. And constantly lay awake at night thinking about all this and wondering what else she hasn't told me. Sorry, I tried to keep these last 2 things short about the neighbor and beach trip.

Thanks for letting me vent. I have never told a soul about any of this

[This message edited by Isthisreallyhappening at 5:27 PM, Friday, October 10th]

Part 2

To put a timeline on this so it makes sense.

January 2003 she went back to the East coast and within a couple weeks started her whatever you call it with the neighbor which turned into them naked in bed with atleast a blowjob. Supposedly after that one night nothing else ever happened. I think BS

Next turned into the affair which started in February until August with guy at work atleast 3-4 times a week after work in his car. atleast 3 times in our apartment. atleast 2 times in hotel. one of the times talked to me on phone while having sex.

Then sometime in there went to beach for the night and somehow some guy began making out with her and then within 15 min another guy in a mysterious parking lot grabbed her hand to touch his dick. Both times supposedly she held up her hand saying "I'm Married".

Then lastly at some point when I was actually there and we were in our apartment with friends watching movies or something she was reaching under a blanket trying to grad a different guys dick. She said because he was a virgin. My guess is he could have screwed her also if they were alone.

Like I was saying this went from I screwed up and fucked 1 guy three times to this !!! I can't imagine what else I am not being told. I know I should have demanded more info 20 years ago but being young, dumb, embarrassed, and whatever else I didn't.

[This message edited by Isthisreallyhappening at 5:28 PM, Friday, October 10th]

IMO there is zero reason to stay married to this woman. I would DNA test all three kids just so you know for your peace of mind if you are the father

IMO there is no amount of IC or MC that can fix this. I would file for divorce and I would let the kids know why they now have to split their time between Mom and Dad

I see no reason to try and save this. I'm willing to bet you do not know everything either

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this infidelity and 22 years of lies.

One of my thoughts is, 'Why do you care about the whole truth about the time apart?' Unless you mean, 'Has she also been unfaithful all along?'

Again, finding out about a 3-time betrayal alone would have devastated me. I would have thought very hard about D if that were the 'only' betrayal. Finding out what you know would make me sick to my stomach. But I still have trouble seeing much difference between fucking some other guy 3 times in 2003, having sex with a series of POSes in 2003, and having sex with a series of males and females from 2003-2025.

I say that because a BS's recovery depends on the impact on the BS, whatever the BS finds that impact to be. IOW, your recovery depends much more on how you feel about what your W did than on what she actually did. I say that knowing that very few BSes understand that at first.

The real questions you have to answer are, 'What do I want now? And if I want R, will my W do enough to make R work?'

I don't know what I'd do. I know the only justice is D, but D is costly in so many ways that I'd probably consider R. Maybe I'd R if the kids are mine. Maybe not. Maybe I'd just kick my W out or leave.

Your decision has to be made by yourself. You're the only one in your space, and it's your life. IMO, no one can say what they'd do unless they've been in a sitch similar to yours.

My reco is to look deep inside, probably with the help of a good therapist. I say that because you're not writing that you're in the process of D already, which says IMO that somewhere inside you there's an ego state that doesn't want to D.

But if you do want to R, be ready to read SI very carefully, because the posts you get in support of R are likely to be buried in between posts telling you you're crazy.

Read the responses you get very critically. Some will counsel D in the strongest terms. Some may counsel R. The ones to pay attention to are the ones that support you, the ones that support your living a good life.

And make no mistake. You can live a very good life after being betrayed. You can survive and thrive whether you D or R, as long as you pick the one that will work best for you.

Your W cheated. That says a lot about her and nothing about you. I know you feel humiliated. That's a gut response emphasized by culture. She humiliated herself, not you. She owed you fidelity; she did not meet her responsibilities. She failed. You didn't. It may take a while to understand that, but you may get it very quickly.

Again, I'm very sorry you've been betrayed. Have faith in yourself to recover.

BTW, SI has a number of members who have recovered a long time after the infidelities (assuming your W stopped, and even then SI members have healed). Some have R'ed, some have D'ed. Some are still working it out. You can read some of the stories at https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/660527/for-those-who-found-out-years-later-part-2/.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:52 PM, Friday, October 10th]

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you've had to deal with infidelity for so long. Please look around the site, as there are many useful resources. For example, there are posts pinned to the top of the forum here and Reconciliation. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful. Betrayal trauma is so incredibly painful. If you're having trouble with depression or sleeping, talk to your doctor about some meds.

Your WW (wayward wife) needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner, but that's her work to do.

You may wish to visit a lawyer to see how things would look if you decide to D (divorce). Doesn't mean you have to, but it will give you knowledge.

If you want the truth, or at least what she can honestly remember, have her write out a timeline of her affairs including any inappropriate behavior since you’ve been a couple. When it’s done tell her it will be verified by polygraph and ask her if she needs to make any changes. Even if she adds more information follow through with the poly.

See the title of this👆? It is to survive. You have existed, not survived. Your subconscious has known all along that there were devastating secrets in your relationship. That is why you never let go of it.

My question is, can you live with this knowledge? That is a tough pill to swallow.

You have been giving some good suggestions…possible DNA and a poly.

My suggestion is to get to your dr for some temp meds to help you with anxiety and depression. The second is to look after your health. The damage chronic stress has on you becomes cumulative and then permanent. A really good IC will let you vent.

Lastly, get outside as much as possible. Walking, biking, hiking, pickle ball, anything to get some of that pent up anger out.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 11:47 PM, Friday, October 10th]

I am sorry you are here and suffering.

Even though you found the tip of the iceberg... only a snippet of what she did in 2003, you decided not only to sweep everything under the rug, but to bury it as deeply as possible. Now that it has come back up to the surface you are having to deal with everything as if it just happened to you minutes ago and you just found out even though it occured over 20 years ago.

There is a forum on this website called "I Can Relate". There is a conversation thread on that forum entitled "For Those Who Found Out Years Later - part 2". You should read a lot of that because it can help you identify with others and how they handled it.

The first thing that pops up in my mind... knowing how lightly you wife took your wedding vows... is just how faithful she has been to you in the years since 2003. Someone mentioned DNA tests for all your children. I agree.

Ask yourself this question, "What is the worst thing that can happen if we remain married?". Next, ask yourself, "What is the best thing that can happen if we remain married?". Then ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that can happen if we divorce?". Next, ask yourself "What is the best thing that can happen if we divorce?". Write down your answers to these questions. Put it away. Then come back in a couple of days and repeat these questions and your answers to them. Do this exercise several times with a few days between each exercise.

Personally, if it were me, I would be running to a divorce lawyer as quickly as possible. But, then again, knowing my own personality, I sure would not have buried it in 2003. I would have exploded big time and the fallout would be all over the place. But that is the difference between us.

Good luck to you regardless of what you end up doing.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 2:43 PM, Saturday, October 11th]

Sir, you have a serial cheater on your hands. DNA test the kids, hope to God you didn't catch anything from her, get your affairs in order and steer clear. Good luck.