SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had my last appointment with my therapist before my planned DDay on September 6th. My therapist and I picked this date because my wife and I had a number of family vacations this summer and did not want to drop the nuke I am about to right before we were going to be around family and extended family. As avoidant as I am (DDay has been 20+ years in the making), I think the last few months thinking about this have been hellish enough that I physically need to get this behind me. I am so anxious about the damage this is going to cause to my wife, but there is no other path forward.

Therapy has been good beyond just preparing for my disclosure. I have had to unpack lots of shit from my own family. My dad was (likely is still) a serial cheater. He is on wife #3, but I happen to know he has cheated on her at least a few times. My mom finally divorced him after giving a couple chances at reconciling (he remarried within a couple months to one of his APs). My mom is brilliant (valedictorian at an elite undergraduate school) and sacrificed her career to be a SAHM. My dad used money as leverage to be really shitty in the divorce and thereafter (main motivator for my career choice was to make sure my family never stressed over money like we did). My mom went back to school and got her masters while taking care of four kids ages 7 to 12. She supported us in every way possible. She remarried four years after the divorce and we blended a family with eight teenagers.

I left for college at graduation so was in that house for only three years, but very much underestimated the unresolved issues I had from that time. Our families were very different. His kids had lived with a mom who slowly deteriorated and passed from cancer and never dealt with that trauma. They were very quiet and isolated and my siblings and I were very outgoing and active with large friend groups.

My mom and husband did not really help us blend together and I am realizing that I have supressed the emotions from that time. I have always been a momma's boy and she sacrificed so much for us that I never allowed myself to feel negative emotions when she remarried and we all moved in together. I am the oldest son and had to be the man of the house for the years before she remarried and the combination of her marrying and not actively helping us when we had issues with our step siblings created resentment that I am just starting to unpack. Even writing this triggers guilt as I honestly could not ask for a better mom.

I was sexually active from a young age. I used to think that as just normal teenage boy behavior, but in retrospect it was associated with the trauma I had and in itself did some damage. I am not a moralist, but having sexual relationships so young left significant residual issues.

Not sure why I am writing all this, but the last therapy session touched on this so it is top of mind. Obviously this is not justification for the terrible choices I have made, but having a better understanding of my childhood has helped me think about my whys.

My therapist is really concerned about my depression. As a recovering addict I am very conscious before I take any meds so I am holding off on any SSRIs in the hope that I will start feeling better after DDay. Hard to imagine I will feel better, but my therapist really believes part of my shame spiral will end once I have disclosed. She thinks up to 50% of the guilt and shame is from hiding the affair.

I do not have a therapy session before DDay (my appointments are on Mondays and next week is Labor Day), but I have her number on speed dial. I have no idea how my wife is going to respond . She may already know or she may be totally blindsided. Part of the sessions have been preparing for how she responds. I am going to be ready to leave and stay elsewhere if she wants. I am more worried about how I can support her. I would want to hug her, tell her how sorry I am, tell her that I am committed to building a new relationship on transparency and honesty, and how I will spend the rest of my life trying to be the husband and partner she has always deserved. I have difficulty reconciling how the person who is inflicting the pain and damage can also help with healing. My hope is she will be open to therapy to process this and that will help guide how I can best help her heal.

Somewhat of a rambling post so apologies. We are going away with family for a long weekend and I am going to try and be present rather than ruminating on all this.

fvl....

Writing this as a BW finding out after 42 yrs

My husband walked into the kitchen one afternoon. Asked me to sit and told me he had something to tell me. Then he proceeded to tell me that 42 years earlier (just after our first anniversary) he had had an affair. For me, this came completely out of left field. As I write this I'm trying to remember exactly what was said, but quite honestly, it's all a blur. I do remember asking him for details. He had some but he also had a lot of "I don't remembers" and "I don't knows". I'm happy to read that you have been working with a therapist ahead of your confession. I would have appreciated that from my H.

Your wife may ask a lot of questions or she may say nothing at all. You will need to take your cues from her. You seem like a very caring and remorseful man. Don't get caught up in trying to figure out your moves ahead of time. It won't work. Just try to have the answers to the questions she may ask and if you don't, tell her so. Look her in the eyes and be honest. Give her space if she needs it. Listen to her.

It's a long road my friend, but there is hope. God bless you for coming clean and showing your wife the respect she deserves.

Thank you trumansworld. I realize every one is different, but wondering if you view all of the time between the affair and disclosure as tainted. One thing I have struggled with is seeing any good I have done because the affair negates it. I also worry that my wife will no consider any good memories over the last 20 years tainted because I had such a big secret.

I am prepared to answer any questions she has. It was 20+ years ago, but I still remember enough to answer most of the questions I think she will ask. My therapist has a colleague that works with sex addicts and facilitates a full disclosure in a therapeutic setting if that is what my wife wants. I am not a sex addict, but will go through the disclosure prep if my wife wants.

Thank you for your advice as it is relevant lived experience, but very sorry you had to deal with it.

I have no idea how my wife is going to respond .

You've been on SI for six months. Have you done any reading in other forums besides Wayward?

There's a special thread in the "I Can Relate" forum "For Those Who Found Out Years Later." You might start there.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 1:57 AM, Thursday, August 28th]

I spend probably too much time on all the forums and have read the thread on finding out years later. It stretches back quite some time and is not as active as others.

I realize I have been on the forums a while now and will have lots to discuss with the impending DDay.

I found out in January about my husband's 2 year affair he had 13 years ago now. I found out through spite from the AP because she has now had another affair and left her marriage so decided to throw a grenade in my life (hurt people hurt people and all that).

I have been with my husband 20 years and yes, I do question every memory. I've had to take down our wedding photos and every photo around the house with my husband in it.

We are working on reconciliation but it is hard. I had to be prescribed sleeping tablets and beta blockers at first and had twice a week therapy for past 7 months.

I struggled knowing how my WH could smile through anniversaries, fathers day, birthdays etc and accept cards and gifts with loving messages etc.

I thought he was a monster.

BUT...I have also got closer to him in the past 7 months than the past 20 years. He is finally being vulnerable with me and letting me in. He still messes up in reconciliation and goes back to his avoidant ways but I now see a good man who made a really bad decision that he will regret for the rest of his life.

I think I would have coped better if my husband had told me like you are rather than finding out from a bitter AP.

Good luck with the disclosure.

I don't see our entire marriage as tainted, but I do find myself reexamining everything. I have a really hard time looking at photos.

The problem with being told so much later is that I can't verify anything. No phone records (big clunky cell phones had just come out), no technology to track. Just his word and at the moment that's a hard pill to swallow. Unlike you, he didn't do a deep dive to figure things out before he decided to tell me. It's been me who has traveled back in time with photos and dates and property docs to figure out where we were in time and what was happening in our lives.

It has been and continues to be a hard road. Loving someone who gutted me is not always easy. Quite the rollercoaster. But with the Lords help, we are finding a connection worth fighting for.

I'll be praying for you and your wife.

Thank you for your prayers. I am a Christian and have been holding fast to my faith that Christ is going to help both of us heal through his sacrifice. I believe his death provides a path to forgiveness, but also that he can provide healing and comfort for my wife.

I have been working on a very detailed disclosure in case my wife wants details. My affair was a long one so isolating how many times and where is not totally possible, but my therapist suggested I estimate by year and I think I have a good idea of that. I also have our detailed financial records so I have pieced together things like trips we took.

I do worry about how she will reframe not just the time during the LTA, but all the time since. If she knows already this has a different type of trauma and one that breaks me every time I think of her suffering in silence while she was the primary caregiver holding our family together. If she does not I can only hope the taint is focused on the time during the LTA.

If you are willing to share, do you know why your husband eventually confessed? In my initial disclosure my therapist wanted me to include this, but it took time and was initially centered on why it will help me.

He told me that he did it out of respect for me.

He says it has weighed on him since day one. He chose avoidance as his first route. Figured if he kept busy and promised himself to never do it again, he would be ok. So he worked (great provider). He also chose alcohol and drugs to numb. He spent the next 10 yrs trying to outrun his demons. He was immature and selfish. I, like your wife bore and raised the kids. Put up with his bad behavior.

Around 2006/07 he quietly recommitted his life to God. He asked for God's forgiveness. Something in him was still unsettled though. He asked a good Christian friend what to do. Was Gods forgiveness enough? Our friend said yes, but that he would need to decide himself. That was 17 years ago! He was scared.

Dec 2023 he took the leap. He wanted me to know the man I was married to. I must tell you that I hate knowing, but the change in him has been nothing but miraculous. Like night and day. For that alone I am thankful. Whether we stayed together or not I am happy for his soul.

Is your wife a believer? I pray she is. It is only with God's grace that I can extend mine.

Shorty after his confession we began the Bible in a Year app. We take time every morning to read and then pray together. Something we have never done before. It also gives us some time to talk about the A and our lives since. It has become the best part of the day.

God bless you and best wishes

My wife is a Christian also. Her family had none of the issues that mine did and she has not had to deal with significant trauma. My therapist thinks this might force her to talk about her feelings for the first time (this has been an issue in our marriage as my family is very open about feelings). If she knows and has buried it I am worried she will not want to discuss with a therapist. My therapist thinks her body will start to internalize this (body keeping the score) even if she thinks she has already made her peace with this. So many unknowns and I do not do well with ambiguity.

Your husband's experience hits close to home. I went from stone cold sober to drinking and a functional drug addict during the affair. I have not had a drop of alcohol for almost 20 years and have been on Subutex (helps recovering addicts) for the last 20 years to keep me from relapsing. Infidelity destroys so much. I was able to compartmentalize this for the first several years after the affair ended, but as my wife and I have become so much closer the last several years the guilt and shame has been overwhelming.

Thank you for your perspective.

Had my wife told me what she was doing instead of me stumbling upon her "harmless flirting" it would have gone a long way towards helping us reconcile. But she didn't.

When I confronted her instead of tears and apologies I got anger and dismissal and minimizing and then accusations that I had secrets. So we started reconciliation at negative 100 :/

Having the courage to admit to being a WS speaks volumes as to your desire to try and fix what you've done. That takes balls.

Good luck.