SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all,
I have been a member here since 2004 when I found out my H had an affair. We stayed together then in 2021 I found out he had multiply affairs, we were separated for a month and then unexpectedly passed away in 2022. We were together 27 years. I was 49. He was 50. So basically spend most of my adult life with him.

After my H’s affairs were discovered I had a STD test and was clean from all STDs. I started dating a man about 3 years ago. He knew of my past and my H’s infidelities and he was supposedly cheated on by his ex-wife as well. He knew I was tested and came back free of STDs and how important this was to me. He is the only man I have had sexual relations with since my H.

Boyfriend recently had a medical emergency and was in the hospital. I was there in the emergency room with him when the nurse was going over the medication he takes. She asked about a few then said…Valtrax and he said "yes, I took it this morning". This kind of floored me as he had never mentioned this before. I didn’t say anything at the time because I didn’t want to start a conversation like that while he was in the hospital. Thankfully he was discharged and is doing okay now. I brought it up and asked why he didn’t tell me and told him now I have to go get tested for STDs again. He responded with "Good luck. Go ahead and get tested. I have been dealing with this since most of my marriage. I am not sure if I got it before I got married or after (they were married 16 years. Have been divorced for 8 years). He said he was told if he had no symptoms he is not contagious (which is not true) so he didn’t feel the need to tell me and he didn’t really think about it. However, he takes the medicine daily. How do you not think about it?!

I am pretty concerned and upset that he never mentioned this. From what I read he should have disclosed this to me. And his attitude when I first asked and said "Good luck" lacks so much sympathy and/or empathy. He has now apologized and said he didn’t mean to be sarcastic and has apologized for not tellling me sooner. But he never told me. I accidentally found out by the nurse asking about his medication. Who knows if he would have ever told me?

I just want to see what others think. Am I overreacting by being upset that he has never mentioned this? He’s the only guy I have dated since my 27 year marriage. I feel a little betrayed and hurt that he didn’t seem to care about my health or give me a choice. As far as I know I don’t have any symptoms but feel like I need to go get tested for stds again

You are not over - reacting

I’m so sorry for you.

This fool knew about your concerns for health. He knows that is important to you. And he lied (even if by omission). You would be well within your rights just to dump him for that reason alone. That was incredibly selfish of him.

On the other hand, at our age "good luck" is actually not an inaccurate statement. 50-80% of people over 50 have cold sores and many never have symptoms (unless the fool has the genital kind). TBH, if my WW had not taken tests to get a clean bit of health, I would be terrified to get a test done just based on that 50-50 chance.

I digress...my point is, if it is important to you, make it a firm boundary in your relationships. You don't own this jacka$$ anything, especially after he lied about something like this.

Oh hell no.

This fool knew about your concerns for health. He knows that is important to you. And he lied (even if by omission). You would be well within your rights just to dump him for that reason alone. That was incredibly selfish of him.

Exactly.

I have been intimate w/ 3 men since my D. All 3 knew if condoms were no longer going to be used, I would need to see his results and I was perfectly willing to show mine. I got a full panel done between each partner. My current partner of 4+ years could not get to the doctor quick enough.

Your BF was "told"... and he has never asked or done the research himself?

I'm so sorry you have expierenced this. Go get yourself tested and decide what you are going to do with this information. If he never offered that he was tested during your conversations about STDs, he knew exactly what he was doing. I don't care how uncomfortable the topic can be when people first start dating-it needs to be staight up, honest, and direct.

And finally, you have been together for years. Just where exactly does he keep his prescription of valtrax--I wonder why you have never seen it? Does he take it daily? I assume you spend time at each others places, gone on trips together? I would think it would be in his medicine cabinet or travel bag. Or is it hidden? On purpose?

ETA: I read your post from last year about him texting an old GF and deleting it... he has a history of trying to hide things from you... you deserve better. You know it.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 12:07 AM, Thursday, May 22nd]

Thank you all for your responses. We don’t really stay at each others houses too much. His high school age kid lives with him and my college age kids live with me so we don’t spend a lot of overnights together unless it’s a weekend trip or an over night stay at a hotel. I know he takes medicine for a kidney issue he has but I have never really seen pill bottles or thought to look for them. I never had a clue he took Valtrex daily.

I know we talked multiple times about how I was tested for STDs and clean after my deceased H’s affairs were known. So that would have been a perfect time for him to bring it up.

And yes. About a year and a half ago an old
Girlfriend text him and he responded but supposedly it was innocent and he deleted it. That has caused great stress on our relationship so much so that I ended things for a little bit but we’ve been trying to make things work again then this happens. Just sucks.