SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there. I know this isn’t a space for me, I’m the partner who had the affair. I joined because my partner felt I did not truly understand what I did and how it was wrong. I thought reading through survivors perspectives and their words would help with that. It has helped me tremendously, I see the hurt that infidelity causes, but not just the surface. How it lives inside of each of you forever, how it takes a part of the deepest part of you, your self esteem self confidence self worth.

I came here asking for your advice. I love my partner, he is my soul mate. I know how deeply I’ve hurt him, I’ve been in individual therapy to work on myself and the parts of me that betrayed him. I’ve changed how I react to him, I’ve learned how I use words to cut deep at him which only digs the betrayal in deeper. We have sat down and gone through a full disclosure process where I told him everything that happened and answered all his questions. We’ve since had smaller disclosure sessions, whenever he’s asked for it or needed it.

However we are now at an impasse. He tells me that he does not believe me. There are specific details at times he doesn’t believe and I go through and tell him everything and answer any question he has, other times he says it doesn’t believe any of it, or knows other things happened.

I know you all are strangers but from the very bottom of my heart I am being honest with him. I haven’t hidden anything, sugarcoated things, lied. I trust and believe in the disclosure process, and knowing every betrayal I made and he can tell me what he needs at anytime to reassure his doubts now. I do believe that he can’t know what his insecurities are without my telling him everything that happened, and I believe in continuing full transparency to heal and rebuild that trust between us.

But what do I do when he says I’m lying? He says we can be together I just have to tell him the truth, but I haven’t hidden. I’ve offered to have other people confirm details, I’ve offered to take polygraph tests. I beg him to go to therapy and see if a therapist can help us, he won’t do any of those things. We’re stuck in this endless loop of I’m lying and here’s things I’m lying about, and me going back through them all, but his response is still he knows more happened and he’ll only entertain him and I staying together if I tell him every detail. He says he has enabled me to continue to not give him full disclosure and he has to hold me to this.

But I have. I’ve told him everything, every graphic detail. And I don’t know what to do now. Please if anyone has any advice they can give, I would so greatly appreciate it

Welcome to SI, it’s brave of you to put yourself out here. I always admire that from someone who has strayed.

First, it is a very very high rate of former waywards that claim they have disclosed everything and, in fact, have not. So I have a very high degree of skepticism that this is true. If you haven’t, and you are holding back the pieces that you believe in your heart of hearts that he will leave you for if he ever finds out, tell him.

But even if you do that, you will still have this problem. This is the fundamental risk you take when you make the choice to lie: no one but you can ever know where the lies end. You could have told him everything, or you could be concealing 90% of it. An affair blows up the house of trust. Trickle truth burns it to ashes.

And so then it is on him to choose whether or not to give you some trust on credit. If he does, it’s a completely unmerited gift, or an echo of familiarity from the past. But he sure as hell doesn’t have to, and no one can blame him.

You can prove certain events with receipts and hard evidence. But he can always wonder what else there is. When you made yourself into a liar about one of the most important things in the world, you took a risk that you would never be trusted again. All you can do is be fully honest and non-defensive and understanding when he doesn’t believe you. And then you wait and see.

Just curious. Did you at any time say or even call in to question his ability to please you sexually? For example did you ever say or make him believe you cheated because he wasn't enough physically.. ie. Not big enough, not enough stamina, your AP was better in the bedroom, wanted to try things that you wouldn't do with your husband etc? I ask because this can be a major hurdle and honestly at times almost insermountable regardless of what you say or do. If your actions indicated you received more pleasure from your AP in this area and your words say otherwise he won't believe you.

Welcome to SI and sorry for your scenario. There are some posts pinned to the top of the Wayward forum that you may find helpful. Plus, there are some by DaddyDom that are on the first page that may be helpful. The Healing Library at the top of the site has lots of resources for both the betrayed and the wayward.

You registered in March 2025, but don't mention how long ago your dday(s) were. It can take at least 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, and sometimes longer. When your BP (betrayed partner) learns new information about the A (affair), it set the healing clock back to zero. And that first year is brutal. Once the trust is gone, it takes consistent actions over time to rebuild. It may take a year or so for him to establish trust, and then it will probably never be 100%.

Now, here's the hard part. You work on healing you and he works on healing him. Maybe he needs therapy, maybe he doesn't, but it's his decision and his healing journey.

The thing about trauma is that your body doesn't recognize the difference between being chased by a lion or betrayal trauma. His brain has been flooded with all kinds of bodily chemicals trying to make sure that he's safe. If he's repeatedly asking the same question(s), that's your brain on betrayal trauma. He's trying to make sure that there isn't a lion there waiting to eat him. When he asks questions, give the details that you have without changing the wording. When he says he doesn't believe you, you can let him know that you're sorry he doesn't believe you but you've provided all the details that you can.

By the way, have you read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald? It's a nice blueprint of what you can do, and it may have some tips for you.

@ InkHulk - I 100% understand the skepticism and I wouldn't expect anything else. For some context: Our DDate was August 2021. The first year I did not fully believe it was an A. That first year was spent with him conveying to me how he felt and his opinions of the A, the last 2-3 years have been my disclosure to him and my continued disclosure. We are having more of an issue where he will not look at any of my evidence. We have the same conversation over and over. One of us reaches out and it's "hi how are you" "im okay" "I just wish you would tell me everything that happened" or "you won't show any accountability" and I express my feelings about the A, I have pages and pages of texts I've sent him about how what I did was wrong and I betrayed us both, ive used the thesaurus to try to exactly convey his feelings so he is heard or my feelings so he knows exactly where I am or we start the disclosure again with any questions he has and I answer them all, but his response is always the same. "Im more than happy to talk, but you have to tell me everything that happened beginning to end. Every physical and emotional detail. Again Im more than happy to talk. when and if you can be courageously open, honest, transparent, graphic, and detailed about exactly what you did. Then we can be together." I'll respond saying yes, let's sit down and go from beginning and end. Then he goes silent and won't respond to me or take my call. A week or so later, the cycle repeats. I know it's hard to believe someone who is the WP and I fully deserve that, I don't think I deserve anything more. It's a year of this. and I do love him more than anything, I feel so horrible saying this and I won't ever tell him, but the last several months I have been struggling really badly. I don't sleep or eat anymore, my house is a disaster, it is disgusting. I am barely hanging on at work. My whole life is spending waiting at my phone for his text. He's mentioned to me mostly recently this last week that my not responding back to him in a certain time frame "10 minutes or 10 hours" he says it's stressful for him and its hurting him emotionally. I try to take time to really think about my responses because I know I have a sharp tongue and I can be very rash and reactionary. Ive spent the past year working on being much more mindful about my words and my feelings and not putting the anger I have with myself on him. But I don't know how much long I can do this

I’m just curious what justification did you have that this was not an affair? Was it physical? Was it just a one night stand? Was it just inappropriate message or conversations?

Prior to the A, BH and I weren't speaking or seeing each other. We had gotten into an argument about when we would be seeing each other the following week. I asked him what days he thought he'd be free and he more or less he wasn't sure and he'd have to let me know. It was the weekend and I was planning stuff for my coming week, which was just like days I would go run, my grocery list for my dinners that week, my therapy appointment. I pushed him about it because I wanted to get those things done but he got pretty upset and told me I was pressuring him and that we would talk about it later and I said I was sorry for upsetting him and that it was okay to talk later when he had more time. but I never heard from him again. he never responded, he never came over. The next time I heard from him was when I texted him five months later. And even that was me asking him to sign the title of my old car because I was going to sell it. Which was really like a business transaction. I reached out to him in July as well but it was a very short 3 or 4 text conversation. Nine months after our fight he texted me about having a new job by mine and getting a drink after work. The A happened during that time frame

Have I read that correct....

You didn't hear from your husband in 5 months? At all.....

What are the dynamics there if that is the case? If I didn't hear from my spouse in 5 months I'd wonder if I was even a thought in their mind or even alive for that matter.

Hi unpackshare,

I don't usually respond to other messages on here because I feel like I'm in no good place to give advice really, but I am always interested in posts from WS's so you got my attention.

Your last post though...
I hate to be the one to suggest this and this could absolutely be my trauma brain speaking, but do you know where he was/who he was with/what he was doing for those 5 months?
I wonder if he might be deflecting?

My WS is a drug addict, and during his relapses, would often tell me I was 'gaslighting' him or accuse me of things that he was doing himself. He was projecting onto me, I think to try to distract me from the things he was doing wrong himself.

As TinyTIm1980 pointed out, that's not a 'normal' dynamic for a relationship, not hearing from or seeing your partner in five months. And honestly, if that was the case, I'm not even sure he can accuse you of being 'unfaithful' really, unless I've misunderstood something here? It sounds like you were not actually 'together' at the time.

Unpackshare,

None of us know you or your spouse from Adam. Figuring out what we are looking at through the lens of an anonymous forum, each polluted by our personal biases probably will lead to incorrect conclusions. Latching onto incorrect conclusions wont help you. So bring your salt! You just might need to take some.

You could tell, in this space, what you’ve told him, to whatever degree you would be comfortable, and in doing that we might see what is going on, if anything, on your side of the equation. The story might be true, and difficult to believe. Or it might be apparent to us after hearing it why it seems poorly fleshed out, and we might be able to relate.

Either way you might learn something.

Poor dudes trust is cooked and his ability to believe you is too, through no fault of his own. You are going to need more patience for this than for anything else youve done in your life. Dig down and find it, knowing from the outset that it may never work out.

So far, youve told us a bit of details about the rift between you and him, but in talking about your affair, youve little more to say than that youve told him everything, and gone over it ad infinitum. Gently, that is very familiar to me, and not a great sign. If you are mired in shame, you will struggle to make the changes that bring results you want.

A polygraph could help you. Specifically, Go past offering. Schedule it. Have him write the questions. And get it done. If you make it happen under your own power and show him you are serious, he should take notice. It should help.

Caveat; if you fail, even through no fault of your own, or lie and pass and he learns mountains of information afterwards, life will be…. Much more complicated, to say the least.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 12:15 PM, Tuesday, April 22nd]

I think you can get some perspective here that may be helpful but in order to help I think the team needs to understand exactly what is going on. For me the timeline is a bit choppy which makes it difficult to dig deeper than you've already dug yourself and you are much closer to the problem.

I was a bit short in my response because honestly (don't want to get another flag so I will be cordial) I don't have a high regard for WS's. When I read that you were a WW and a few sentences later "soul mate" I laughed out loud but then additional context started to puzzle me. My response about BH's manhood coming into question was a quick, short, easy way to determine if I think this has any chance of being reconcilable. Again, this is where details come into play if you want help.

You have betrayed spouses on here and you also have people like myself who came here looking to help friends/family in their situations. I have not been betrayed, I've been in a great marriage for 17 years in a relationship for 22. I'm a 38yo Male who considers marriage a priority 1.. so I am on the other side of the chemical inrush and tainted perspective I can relate more to your husband that many here probably can. I too, like another mentioned do not typically get involved here but something just seemed different from the 100's of other stories I've read.

But again, need to know if this was a unprovoked ONS, or a calculated repeated offense with a AP for 10 months, best friend, etc. Every scenario changes the dynamics of the situation. You said you didn't think you were in an affair for the first year... there is something to unpack there how do you not know you are having an affair? Perhaps this is a clue into your husbands response and lack of trust with your answers. Who knows, I'm not going to spend any more time on this until we get an accurate picture of the situation. Right now, I already see things in your responses that helps me begin to align with your husbands skeptism and doubt. On top of that I am big on body language, tone, gesturing etc so I can offer ideas that you may not be thinking about when responding to your husband which I suspect is an issue based on your comments so far.

And by the way folks is there like a spell check on here? I'm a mechanical engineer and writing/spelling is not a pre requiste so I need some help lol.

Hi there. I know this isn’t a space for me, I’m the partner who had the affair.

Just wanted to say that SI IS the place for you.

There are forums on here no matter which side of the fence you are on (WS,BS,Madhatter,etc) - there is a place for you.

Whether your journey leads to full R or not - there is a place for you.

I applaud you for joining; you will learn a lot from reading the posts.

I did begin to write a more in depth timeline with context, please forgive me. It is long.

I (24 at the time) met my partner (32 at the time) ten years ago (2015). We were both married at the time we met, and we did develop a romantic relationship while we were both married. About a month after meeting, I initiated my divorce and a month after that my partner "A" told me he initiated his. Long story short, he did not in fact start his divorce and he never told his wife either. There was almost 4 years of deception on his part and various accuses until he told me in 2018 that his wife had a baby and it was not his child but he was going to care for it as his own. Spoiler - definitely his kid. From that point on things were far more chaotic and hot and cold than previous until 2019 when he did indeed divorce his wife. We were seeing each other at this point, however it was still pretty on and off hot and cold and he wouldn’t progress our relationship any further than him coming over maybe two nights a month and that was it. No holidays no families nothing. He started to refer to us as a "situationship" and I began to check out. By 2020 things had really remained the same, I had become much more passive aggressive towards him, he was supposedly living with his parents, but still would not take any steps forward. End of 2020 we got into a fight where I had been asking what days he had planned to stay at my house so I could schedule around that, and he felt I was pressuring him about the relationship. I apologized to him and said we could talk about it later and he left me on read and never responded.

At this point I felt that he was done, there was no hope for the relationship, and I spiraled a bit. I was drinking almost daily and using THC to really numb myself. About a month later (Nov 2020) a man "Z" that A and I had a mutual relationship with reached out to me about getting together as friends. After a few weeks after I agreed. Both Z and I were very up front about just being platonic, he came over to my house and we got really high and watched TV. We talked a bit, it was just random things. And he left. We did that again a week or two later, we did have a lot of common interests that A and I did not have and we talked about those and stupid stories from college. Still no word or contact from A at all. I had been talking to my friends about the situation and they all very much wanted me to start going out with Z. I was really reluctant because I knew A was my person, I would never have a relationship with anyone else like ours. And I really didn’t want to. This is not my friends fault, I made the ultimate decision. I was very lonely and I thought that maybe Z could be an option for me. I knew we had common interests, I knew it would never be like A and it wouldn’t be everything I wanted but I thought it was a decent option. So we began to date.

I have already posted about this nine month time frame, but for context for everyone, things progressed fast with Z and I became uncomfortable with it around March of 2021, I just did not feel the same for him as I did A, and I really missed A. I had been watching intimate videos of me and A from before and I reached out to him regarding a title for an old car. I thought maybe when I saw A to sign the title, it would spark something, but he just showed up signed it, then left. I texted him that I appreciated him and everything he had done for me and that I owed him a beer, he read my text but never responded to it. My therapist and I at the time were trying to work through my feelings but April 2021I had decided Z just wasn’t for me. I have CPTSD from childhood trauma and I have always struggled with confrontation with people (A was fully aware of this). I was afraid to just end things and I know this sounds made up or stupid or why would someone do this, I know its not rational. But he wanted to move in and he was bringing things to my house (May 2021) and I panicked. My children’s summer break was starting a couple weeks after, so I told Z that he should wait until after school starts again. My children didn’t know him and I told him I wanted them to get to know him first and see how that went then revisit after. Z didn’t love this but he agreed, I left what he had moved over and I thought I could become really cold and distant in that timeframe and he wouldn’t want to move in after summer break and it would all kinda resolve itself without a confrontation. It did not go exactly how I thought, Z tried really hard to talk to me about why I was distant and what was going on but I just shut him out. A texted me August 2021 (right before school started) and we met and had drinks. A week later he asked to get together again, and me and A rekindled and I ended things with Z.

Mine and A’s relationship was very very strained for the first year. He felt it was an affair, and we fought so much about what it was. I see how betrayed A feels and how hurt he is and him being a man made that much worse I think. We went to one therapy session but he didn’t like it and we never went back. After some time I could see better from his perspective and I agreed with him that I should have texted A before talking to Z. An we agreed that it was not a relationship but an affair.

October 2021, A had to take a new job out of state. We had been talking about taking steps to move our relationship forward (moving in together). He told me that he would not take me with him. I stayed at my house and we periodically talked to each other, with massive blow up fights, one of us blocking the other, then a couple weeks later we would make up. That went on until the fall on 2022, where I was looking at his mom’s Facebook and saw his three kids with a fourth in a house I didn’t recognize. I looked at his ex-wife’s instagram and her profile with was her holding a baby that looked exactly like his other two boys. I texted him and asked him about it, he told me it wasn’t his, it was his ex-wife’s niece’s baby daughter but she was in high school and couldn’t care for it. So his ex-wife (I feel I should mention that he 100% financially supports her, she doesn’t work, I don’t know if their finances are separate) took the baby in to look after it while she was in school. That baby was a carbon copy of his two sons, I pushed and after a couple days he admitted it was his. The baby was born August 2021, and nine months before that was our fight where he never responded to me after. But that’s just where that ended, if I try to talk to him about it he will just stop responding and eventually threaten to block me. Then a couple weeks later he will reach out like nothing happened. Not long after that, I discovered an account of his on a more anonymous social media website and he had made several posts and comments about a "fiancee" and how the relationship had ended 1.5 years before but the posts were not about me. I know that account was his, he had posts of his car, his shoes with the exact same stain on them, posts in the city in the state where he lived and in the city in the state he worked. And I know exactly who he was talking about, it wasn’t his ex-wife it was an employee of his at the company he worked at at the time. To this day he denies it was his and says that what happened with her wasn’t like that at all, and that she pursued him very hard and he fell for it but she was a very bad person, like a narcissist and she was seeing her ex boyfriend and lying to him about it. He says they were never engaged, but that’s all he will tell me. He hasn’t given me a timeframe but I think it was between 2017 through 2020.

During this, he was commuting to his work during the week and back to our home state on the weekends and he told me he was staying at his mom’s house. We saw each other a bit, maybe once a month. But we still had this constant cycle of my affair. I did tell him every detail of everything I did during those months, I shared every graphic detail of each time Z and I had sex, all our conversations, what I was talking to my therapist about. And we rinsed and repeated the same fights and arguments and conversations over and over. In November 2023, I was in his work state for a weekend and we were staying at a resort rather than the hotel he normally stayed at. It was Sunday and I was flying home that evening and I saw a message from his ex-wife with family photos that I had never seen but were recent saying his should put those in his office. I didn’t say anything because it would start a fight but then later I was a text from her over his shoulder. It said "[Daughter’s] bedroom is almost done. Ours is very close". I confronted him and he swore he didn’t know why she would say that and he wasn’t living with her. It just blew up. I left and flew home. I did some searching and I discovered he purchased a house in the state his job was in April 2023. And it was listed for sale. A couple days later I was looking at the listing and there was a piece of artwork above the couch. He had sent me a selfie with his daughter with that same painting behind them when he said he was at his mom’s house.

Everything has just been horrible since then. I left him. I was devastated. We reconnected February 2024, he said that he slept in his daughter’b bed with her every night. He says that now he does stay at his mom’s house, but I do not believe him at all. I never say anything and the rare times I do, he gets so mad and then stops responding. I became very passive aggressive, I make comments when he talks about his house in the state he works, anytime he says he is at his mom’s house, I always make a face and roll my eyes. We rarely see each other, maybe twice a month up until January 2025, and we haven’t seen each other at all in three months. Ive asked if we could both turn on our locations to help with my insecurities, he refuses. He says not until Ive been completely open about my affair.

And this is where I made my post last night. Nothing can move forward until I have told him everything about my affair. This morning he sent a list of questions, that I went through again and answered. I try to use the same language that I used previously so there is no change in anyway, but he stopped responding. His last message is "Your life is on the line here and you can’t be honest. What I bought you was a necklace You had on a collar with spikes. For fucks sake man. Please don’t ever message me again until you’re ready to tell me everything and be accountable. Ive been doing this for years and I can’t anymore. What you did destroyed me and fighting with you over getting you to be accountable is like repeatedly rubbing salt in the wood. Only message me if/when you’re going to tell me everything and be accountable. Please see a therapist" (Last for reference - during my affair I had taken a photo where I was wearing a choker type necklace and I had sent it to Z. I showed A the photo in 2021, A and I refer to it as a dog collar, tho at the time Z and I had referred to it as a necklace)

Oh and just to add for @BuffaloBill - BH has repeatedly told me that our sex life is the healthiest part of our relationship since DDay, he has never said anything to the contrary

My advice:

Get away from A. Block him every way possible. Get a new phone number, email address, etc. Move far away. Tell your family and friends they are not to tell A where you are or how to get in touch under any circumstances. I can’t tell if you’re married, but if so, get a divorce and tell your lawyer to minimize contact with A.

Try to learn from this shitshow and start your life over.

Best wishes.

This is…… different from what I expected.

Your relationship was founded in betrayal, so neither of you had a cats chance in hell to trust each other. Why would you?

It looks like he stepped out and you did too, in your previous relationship and this one. How can you convince him you wouldnt be lying? He probably is!

Im the first to try and the last to give up. So I wont ever tell you not to try or to give up.

Im afraid that neither of you in your current state can do just one thing to make this work. You both have to change. The only one you can change, however, is you. Be the change you want to see, go to therapy, work on your CPTSD through that, and figure out your "whys".

Prepare for failure of the relationship and plan for success in your life.

I wish you the best.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 2:36 PM, Tuesday, April 22nd]

Sometimes the ws is not the only toxic person in the relationship.

This relationship is chaos, and sounds mutually abusive. You can’t change him, you can only change yourself. He is more interested in punishing you and seeing you beg for him. It’s his sick form of getting validation because he is a black hole.

My advice is get out. Start over. Keep going to therapy. Eventually you will meet someone and it will start on the right footing. I know you feel that your feelings for him are deep, but this is an addiction. It’s caused by the push/pull dynamic.

When he is distant and then comes back it triggers the dopamine rush you have had in and off since you began an affair with him. He honestly sounds worse than you in this situation yet you are the one being punished.

There will never be lasting happiness in your relationship. You need to heal, learn to love yourself, and eventually working through that will help you draw a healthier partner who you can start a clean slate with.

Sister, this ain’t it. It’s not. It’s not ever going to be. This man is going to hold this "affair" over your head even though it doesn’t sound like you have ever had a solid commitment from him. He will use it to control you and keep you down. Move on.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:35 PM, Tuesday, April 22nd]