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Wayward Side :
How do you live with the hurt you’ve caused people’s besides your BP?

Topic is Sleeping.

 LostAndHoping (original poster new member #80549) posted at 2:02 AM on Wednesday, June 28th, 2023

I am really struggling with this recently. A couple weeks ago my BH and I agreed to spend a few hours together on Saturday evening. We have been doing this for a while now. I would exactly call them dates but we at least are spending time together.

Well this particular Saturday we went for ice cream. This particular shop is very significant for us as we went there on one of our earliest dates and he made me laugh so hard that I was literally in tears. So I took him going there with me as a positive sign. He had told me not long after D-Day that none of our good memories mattered to him anymore because the person he made them with was a lie. And that I had killed all those memories for him.

Well we ran into his sister and her family who also frequent this place. A little background: my sister in law was one of my best friends before I dated her brother and in fact it was she who prodded him into spending more time with me alone in the hopes that we’d end up together.

So she is also completely betrayed by what I did. And I could tell that she was NOT happy to see me with her brother. While she didn’t say anything to me her body language and attitude made it clear that she wished I had been anywhere else. Like maybe at the bottom of Lake Erie. Her husband sort of awkwardly said hi to me and I got hugs from my niece and nephew but she was really cold the whole time and my husband kind of awkwardly mumbled something about us having somewhere to be and we left.

In his truck driving me home we talked about it and I said I understand that she probably hates me. My husband admitted to me that while she did once say he should reach out to me of it was what he wanted she also is of the opinion that he’s wasting his time and I can’t ever be trusted again.

I’ve really been struggling with this. I not only hurt him but also his sister/my friend. As far as I know she doesn’t try to talk him out of R but she also has made it clear to him she thinks it’s a bad idea. I can’t even really be upset with her. I just don’t know how I’ll ever fix this with her. Maybe it’s impossible. And if his family will never accept me again that will put a huge burden on him. The whole thing has left me depressed and not feeling good about our chances.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NE Ohio
id 8797162

BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 4:22 AM on Wednesday, June 28th, 2023

It may be that she feels guilty herself because she was the one who prodded her brother into a relationship with you. She's likely to be going through similar self-doubt to what a BS feels: "How could I have so severely misjudged this person? What does that say about me and my own safety, if I can be so thoroughly taken in?"

It's possible that her hurt and anger will lessen over time as she sees that you are doing the work. We can hope so, anyway.

I'm sorry your special evening was ruined.


posts: 3627   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8797183

Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 9:30 PM on Wednesday, June 28th, 2023

After we split I wrote letters of apology to his mom, sister, and our group of mutual friends.

Then I let it go. People do shitty things sometimes and piss other people off. If you are remorseful and humble and apologize—and then let your actions continue to walk the walk—that’s all you can do. You can’t please everyone.

And, your H is a big boy. He doesn’t need to answer to his FOO regarding his choice of relationship. If people in his life don’t like it, that’s unfortunate if they are family, but it’s really none of their business at the end of the day.

Married -> I cheated -> We divorced -> We remarried -> Had two kids -> Now we’re miserable again

Staying together for the kids

D-day 2010

posts: 6490   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8797283

Elica ( new member #79932) posted at 4:02 AM on Thursday, June 29th, 2023


[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 11:46 AM, Thursday, June 29th]

posts: 28   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2022
id 8797340

Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 10:12 PM on Thursday, June 29th, 2023

It may be that she feels guilty herself because she was the one who prodded her brother into a relationship with you. She's likely to be going through similar self-doubt to what a BS feels: "How could I have so severely misjudged this person? What does that say about me and my own safety, if I can be so thoroughly taken in?"

I was about to say something similar. You have detailed in a previous post that you were close with her before you got involved with your BH, her brother. At some level, she probably does feel guilt and responsibility over introducing you two. This isn't an easy situation at all, I can see how it is natural for her to be defensive and protective over her brother, especially given the circumstances that if not for her prodding, you two never get together and thus her brother never gets hurt. However, I see that on her part as immature, because she doesn't seem to realize that both you and her brother are adults with agency to make decisions, both good and bad ones, and she has no influence on it. Of course, blood is always thicker than water, so as family, she is naturally going to take her brother's side and she was by his side at some of his darkest hours post DDay wherein you were of course the enemy.

However, I want to make one thing clear, you are under no obligation to like or be social with your in-laws and they with you. I've got in-laws that I will die a happy man if I never see again, because they are genuinely awful people, and my falling out with them has absolutely zero to do with infidelity and everything to do with their fundamentalist religious views. Your SiL doesn't have to like you, doesn't have like her brother being with you and she doesn't have to support you being together. I think it really does come down to her taking her brother's side, because imagine you two had the same relationship you had with her prior to your A and switch it up to where your H had an A (also, don't I recall that you mentioned your H slept with someone else, thus having his own A)...I can almost guarantee that if her brother cheated on you that she would still find a way to take her brother's side and while she may have been more sympathetic to you as her friend, it seems likely that she would've chosen him over you anyways, which again is probably to be expected.

She may never get over what you did to her brother and that is her burden to carry, not yours. Especially if you and your husband are able to build something new and great through reconciliation, it is on her to observe your actions and arrive at a peace with what has happened. As far as your reconciliation goes, I wouldn't spend another single solitary second worrying about what your SiL thinks, says or does, she isn't your spouse. Again, focus on your husband and the reconciliation and when the time is right, if anything, it should be him to correct his sister on her attitude. Remember, the only thing that you can control is your attitude and your approach towards things and how you are the new you, so don't stress about things you cannot change and your SiL's attitude towards you should be at the top of the list of things you shant worry about.

Best of luck and strength as you guys work through this journey together.

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 665   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8797470

atomic_mess ( member #82834) posted at 7:39 PM on Friday, August 4th, 2023

L&H, how is it going? I hope you and your BH are working toward a resolution.

posts: 90   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2023   ·   location: earth
id 8803305
Topic is Sleeping.
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