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Newest Member: Jskw458

Divorce/Separation :
Considering Separation / Divorce

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Jameson1977 (original poster member #54177) posted at 10:18 PM on Tuesday, May 2nd, 2023

I’ve been on SI and other boards since about 6 months after dday 1.

My attempt at a brief history is below.

The Good:

Met my WW in High School (late 90’s), we are HS Sweethearts. We were each others first and only sexual partners. We married in 2004 after a long engagement (7 years together when married). We had our son in mid 2000’s, both have well established, good paying careers, have owned homes, sold, moved up the property ladder and are in our dream neighbourhood and have been for 10+ years. Life has its ups and downs, but we have had a good relationship overall. We split household chores and we are well aligned in terms of our parenting.

The Bad:

I had suspicions prior to dday that my WW had been unfaithful. I did raise my concerns and up until 2012, her explanations seemed to be believable. In 2012, she lost a parent, grandmother and was struggling with clinical depression. She was medicated and was seeing a Psychiatrist and she seemed to be doing better. I had expressed my concerns about how much time she was spending with coworkers (working on a charitable project that was near and dear to her based on the recent loss of one of her parents). She took time off work in 2013 after a falling out with said coworker and he lack of dealing with the loss in 2012. She was off for about 3 months and returned to work. There were still outings with other coworkers and a male friend she has known longer than me.

Dday 1 was July 2015. I snooper her email and found evidence of a PA with a coworker (not who I had thought, a coworker that I knew nothing about). My world came crashing down. I confronted her than night and she admitted to a ONS prior to marriage. I pressed more and she admitted to the PA with this coworker.

We struggled for months going back and forth because what little evidence I had did not make sense when compared to her story. I dug and pestered for months and months. Found an EA with the coworker I had suspicions about, but no PA.

I’ve had 2 more ddays, no new sexual partners or anything, but important details that she was too embarrassed to admit to.

After dday 3, I had enough. I demanded she attend intensive IC or we are done. To her credit, she did, and made progress on her self worth and boundaries with men. To date, I have checked on her and have found nothing. She has been (after dday 3) a model remorseful spouse.

We did attend counseling together and she continued her IC until the IC moved. Life was…okay, but I really struggled with acceptance.

Fast forward to this weekend, we fought about the lack of sex. We used to be physical 3-4 times / week, now it’s once per week. I’ve also struggled with ED since dday 1. Medication has addressed the getting started part, but I struggled and still do struggle with finishing. Even with our frequency being once per week, this still hasn’t addressed my issue of finishing. This isn’t the first time we have had this discussion and she agrees that her libido has dropped and so has mine. I suggested maybe 2 times per week and see where it goes. She responded with a fairly typical response, which was "well, we will have sex daily and you can’t say no". I get her response but that isn’t what I was getting at, but anyway, it degraded into us talking very little and being pissed with each other.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what is holding me back in terms of R. This spat we had over the weekend wasn’t a huge fight, but it got me thinking about where I am at in terms of R.

I’m had a tough conversation with my WE yesterday and did mention to her that I feel the biggest issue that I can’t get over is the disrespect she showed me during her A’s and the 3 year period after dday. The continual lying, gaslighting, withholding information, trying to control the outcome, etc.

For me, I am proud that I don’t owe anyone anything (other than a faceless bank or lender). I get a lot of pride out of being able to cut people out of my life that are toxic. My WW would be at the top of my "cut" list, but of course, I have the internal struggle between my heart and my head, and I believe this is what is holding me back.

That was way longer than I wanted it to be, but any comments about the disrespect and things I can do to work through this specifically would be appreciated.

I did tell my WW that I am willing to invest in MC to see if I can work through this with a professionals help. But also said that I can’t live this way for much longer and that it may come to S or D.

I know this is my issue and is up to me to deal with it. Thank you.

posts: 832   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8789319
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 9:59 AM on Wednesday, May 3rd, 2023

I did tell my WW that I am willing to invest in MC to see if I can work through this with a professionals help.

Am curious, why are you the one that is pushing/suggesting for this, and not your WW?

From what you have posted, it looks like she still has no respect for you. If she were truly remorseful., this would have been done quite a while ago.

So, it is doubtful that "She has been (after dday 3) a model remorseful spouse". Methinks you have put her up on a pedestal without realizing it.

Edited to add: She still has not sorted out her issues, and more sessions with an IC may be helpful.

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 10:01 AM, Wednesday, May 3rd]

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 1152   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8789370
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:00 PM on Wednesday, May 3rd, 2023

How has your wife responded to all of this?

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1973   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8789398
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 Jameson1977 (original poster member #54177) posted at 6:13 PM on Wednesday, May 3rd, 2023

I proposed this as it is my inability to move forward that is stalling R. She has done everything her IC and I has asked of her, after dday 3 and the ultimatum to seek and invest in IC for her.

We discussed the 3 years of withholding, gaslighting and lying numerous times and recently after I approached her about S or D. She basically admitted that she was doing everything she could to mitigate the fallout, knowing full well the damage it was causing me. She is remorseful and has told me she absolutely does not want to S or D, but if it is what I want, she understands. She 100% does not want to S or D.

We have scheduled MC for us (3 weeks out) and I do plan to be open and honest with the hope of gaining some tools to manage these feelings I have.

posts: 832   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8789427
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 3:21 AM on Thursday, May 4th, 2023

Jameson:

It's time to let go -

Screw up your courage and set your sails for a different and separate voyage from that of your WW and you will find a fair wind and a following sea - but you must first change your heading and the trim of your sails.

It is hard as hell "starting over" but with time, you will be living a better life.

for sure

BTDT

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery.If you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, why not bungee jumping off a bridge span? For an extra thrill, don’t anchor the cord.

posts: 908   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8789486
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 10:27 AM on Thursday, May 4th, 2023

She has done everything her IC and I has asked of her, after dday 3 and the ultimatum to seek and invest in IC for her.

This just shows that she is going along with what others want her to do, and it does not indicate that she wants to do it herself. This lack of proactiveness is probably she is still in a victim mode of thinking, and has yet to move away from 'guilt' to 'remorse'.

You will recognize remorseful behavior when the WS is more concerned about helping/empathizing with others than having me/myself/I feelings/behaviors. Remorse manifests itself when the WS lets go of the outcome, and attends to the needs of the BS. This does not mean that the BS is to depend on the WS to heal, but the WS becomes an additional source of healing.

An indication that she has an inkling of this, is from your post:

She is remorseful and has told me she absolutely does not want to S or D, but if it is what I want, she understands.

You had mentioned the lack of respect of your WS for you. What has your WS done to show (not say) you that she is respectful of you, and how consistent is she about these actions? Note: Not being snarky with this: Is the disrespect real or perceived?

Ultimately, D or R, you will need to choose the path that will give you the best life for YOU. Both paths will take work, and neither is easier than the other. What will be a commonality is that there will be pain involved.

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 10:28 AM, Thursday, May 4th]

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 1152   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8789519
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Devon99uk ( member #82658) posted at 9:00 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

I'm so sorry for you Jameson... There is nothing in this world you can do to 'get over' the disrespect your wife showed you, nothing will change what is done... I can see from how you talk that you so want to learn how to make yourself accept what's happened & get over it but I think the bottom line is that it's simply a deal breaker for you & you would probably be better off not continuing the relationship. I mean, it's up to you and of course you can carry on as you are, but if you do that you need to accept this is just how you feel & you cannot fix it. Concentrate on yourself, do things that make you feel happy, perhaps stop focusing on your wife and your relationship for a while & give yourself all your attention... because you deserve it! Sending you all the support in the world 🙌🙌

posts: 72   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2023   ·   location: South of England, UK
id 8791741
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 12:40 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

I see you said that your WW has done extensive IC and well as couples therapy. Have you done any IC just for you to help you navigate your healing and direction. Regardless of the path your M takes, it would be helpful for you if you are not already partaking.

Infidelity is a clear dealbreaker for many folks. Only you can make that decision for you. Many try for a long time to R and ultimately decide they just can't move past it. Many folks are able to [move on].

There is no right answer here; just what is right for you.

posts: 6898   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8792144
Topic is Sleeping.
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