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Newest Member: Groholl

New Beginnings :
Dating and trust after infidelity

Topic is Sleeping.
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 maise (original poster member #69516) posted at 7:18 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

Hey everyone,

I haven’t been here in quite some time. Lots of continued digging into my healing with therapy, lots of adjustments into single life and independence and kids and all the things. I’ve dated off and on but nothing serious (purposely as i just didn’t feel ready).

Anyway…I’ve met someone now that’s definitely wanting to build up to a more serious space over time and I’m finding myself immensely cautious and fearful of trusting him. I’m trying to pay attention to red flags that may arise and attempting to make sure I communicate and journal and whatever else…

Right now he has a female friend that he’s been friends with for 7 or 8 years staying in the guest bedroom at his home as she visits from out of town. Old me would have totally been chill with that - wouldn’t have cared at all. I have friends of all kinds and I wouldn’t cross that line so I used to feel like others could do the same. Now? I find myself thinking, "What if this is just like your former WS and you’re being played for a fool again? Run!"

He did tell me about this visit way before hand and asked me how I felt about it. I told him it would be fine, I don’t want to control or block anyone…and I of all people know that if the person I’m dating is gonna sleep around or betray then they’ll always find a way to do it. Not my job to control them. Nothing I can do to stop them.

Now that she’s there though I’m feeling all of this distrust. I find myself wanting to stop communications and just remove myself completely, it’s like I’ve already made up my mind that this is not a trustful situation and I need to run before I get too deep & find myself hurt all over again!

It feels heartbreaking at the same time though bc I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to feel safe and build trust with someone again?

Sigh.

How did you maneuver trust and dating after infidelity?

BW (SSM) D-Day: 6/9/2018 Status: waiting to finalize the divorce

posts: 908   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Houston
id 8756866
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 7:38 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

Hey stranger!

Admittedly I'm not dating yet because I haven't quite figured that part out for myself. And cus I still have work to do on me before I get back into all that and for my own process, my focus has to be on me for right now.

But honestly? I don't really think it's about trusting them. It's about trusting YOU. Trust you to take all the lessons you've learned to help you identify red flags, speak your truths, pay attention to their actions and not their words, and most importantly to unapologetically put yourself and your needs higher on your priority list than theirs.

And God forbid you should find yourself in an unhealthy situation, trust you enough to make the choices that are healthiest for yourself quickly and decisively.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8756867
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 maise (original poster member #69516) posted at 7:57 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

@EllieKMAS

Hey you!! Thank you for your response! I hope you’re well 🤗

I do agree wholeheartedly with you on trust being more about self than about others. I felt like I knew that and could put it into practice but am now like *insert freaked out running away emoji here*

Deep down I would probably have to say that is the biggest fear from all of this…not knowing if I can trust myself to see the red flags and clear myself from them in time. I see them (usually very early on) and then start to doubt myself. That’s definitely the problem. There’s also the fear of falling into old patterns. Probably why I haven’t allowed myself to get serious with anyone all this time.

"unapologetically put yourself and your needs higher on your priority list than theirs."

And this here is something I absolutely need to keep at! Thank you for taking the time to respond and to remind me of all of this, I definitely needed to hear it. *Hugs*

[This message edited by maise at 8:09 AM, Saturday, September 24th]

BW (SSM) D-Day: 6/9/2018 Status: waiting to finalize the divorce

posts: 908   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Houston
id 8756868
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 8:08 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

Hmm. I get the doubting yourself thing. All I can tell you from my own lived experience is that the closer I am to my own truth, the less room doubt has to creep in.

Also I think it's important to do some examination here. Your running away emoji might be your own self doubt, true. But it's also very possible that that's your gut picking up on some bad juju. Only you can say for sure, but just saying that I wouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion that it's you freaking out for no reason. Your gut is bound to have a more finely tuned bullshit meter now than it did before.

So weird, I was just thinking about you a couple days ago. I am rewatching Lucifer right now... laugh

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8756870
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 maise (original poster member #69516) posted at 8:14 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

WHAATTTTTT LOL omg! No way! I literally started re-watching it from the beginning yesterday and thought of you too! LOL what a coincidence. I also found myself calling a friend of mine by your name in my head on accident. We’re synced!

Taking your advice to heart. I was also thinking what if this is my intuition? Then found myself wondering if I know how to pickup on my own intuition well enough when I feel it 😵‍💫. Need to think about this more and lean into myself.

BW (SSM) D-Day: 6/9/2018 Status: waiting to finalize the divorce

posts: 908   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Houston
id 8756871
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 8:27 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

That's so weird and cool laugh laugh laugh

Maise really just take your time because there's no rush to get back into things. And if there's so much of a gnat's fart of nonsense or shenanigans, nope yourself the hell on outta there. You've already lived through the worst and you got through it - with some more scars for sure, but also with a LOT more wisdom and insight. So whatever way this goes, you're gonna be okay.

A recent motto of my life: If it costs me my peace, it's too expensive.

So find your peace and don't let anyone fuck with it.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8756873
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 maise (original poster member #69516) posted at 8:35 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

Thank youuuu.

One thing’s for sure, I LOVE my new found peace in living alone. That’s not changing any time soon on the romantic front. I greatly appreciate this space I get to have now.

And you’re absolutely right, my peace is everything and thankfully walking away from dating scenarios is much easier for me nowadays. Especially if they cause me grief.

I greatly appreciate all of your insight. Love your new motto! And "a gnats fart" laugh It was so nice connecting with you again! 🤗

BW (SSM) D-Day: 6/9/2018 Status: waiting to finalize the divorce

posts: 908   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Houston
id 8756874
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:34 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

Behave you met this woman in person? Maybe seeing them together will give you an idea if this is legit.

I have a friend who was in a relationship fir 7 years with a guy who remained friendly with an XGF b/c of the XGF’s chins (not his bio child). He was in her life from a very early age but did not want to abandon her after they stopped seeing each other.

Turns out it was all a lie and he had not broken up with her. He just cheated in the supposed XGF for years with my friend.

We all believed him and thought he was a good guy.

Live and learn. Trust yet verify.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13791   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8756878
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 maise (original poster member #69516) posted at 2:25 PM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

@The1stWife

Thank you for that reminder! I actually had done that in the past before when I felt uneasy and it helped me. This time I didn’t want to interfere with the visit. He mentioned he would have us meet today actually but then all of a sudden that’s no longer the plan which was what probably triggers all of the alarm bells for me last night.

BW (SSM) D-Day: 6/9/2018 Status: waiting to finalize the divorce

posts: 908   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Houston
id 8756884
Topic is Sleeping.
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