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Telling friends about my wife's 8 month long affair - more harm than good?

Topic is Sleeping.
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Organic2003 ( member #69811) posted at 5:04 AM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

CT said this in her post to you! Read it over and over

This is another red flag for me. There should be a policy of non-tolerance to ANY dishonesty from your WW, no matter who she is speaking to. She needs to be speaking only the truth, at all times, or shutting her yap. It is too hard, once we've been betrayed like this, to watch our WS tell lies. It only reminds us of every time we were lied to, right?

My comment was you should expose to "friends of the marriage"(Read Biggers Post) but she should be the one to clean up her mess, she should be telling the TRUTH to those she has lied to. AND STOP LYING!

Hope for your reconciliation,

Organic

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 5:05 AM, Monday, November 29th]

There is opportunity in EVERYTHING

posts: 167   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2019
id 8700622
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 9:10 AM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

This is another red flag for me. There should be a policy of non-tolerance to ANY dishonesty from your WW, no matter who she is speaking to. She needs to be speaking only the truth, at all times, or shutting her yap. It is too hard, once we've been betrayed like this, to watch our WS tell lies. It only reminds us of every time we were lied to, right?

I disagree. The WS's responsibility is to be absolutely truthful with their BS and to do everything that they can to protect the BS from further harm to help them start to heal.

The poster is telling us that he feels humiliated by what his wife did. He doesn't want to feel publicly humiliated and he doesn't want to have to explain to everyone why he would R with his WS. So he might have preferred or even asked his WS to deny any rumors about the A. That's not made clear in his post.

That was exactly the case with me and my FWW. I didn't want anyone else knowing. I asked her to tell anyone who might notice that we were having problems that we were having some issues but that we were working on it. I asked to to tell anyone who heard about it from the AP that she had chatted with him inappropriately but that he was lying about anything further.

I realize now that those feelings of humiliation were because I was accepting the blame that my then WW was piling on me. I had to have done something to deserve such a betrayal. I had failed as a husband and man. I understand now how much damage that thinking did. The truth is that an A rarely has anything to do with the BS. WSs have emotional issues that only they can resolve. Even if a marriage and spouse were perfect a WSs issues will create problems that they will try to blame for their choices.

This is hard for the average person to fathom, so those feelings of humiliation are still not easy to shake.

Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 383   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8700624
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JungAdmirer ( member #47685) posted at 9:05 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

This is a difficult decision, one that I think you might review with an unbiased third party. I chose to disclose everything to my psychotherapist as a worked through the stages of infidelity recovery. The infidelity was a betrayal to our families, but principally it was a very personal betrayal. One should disclose to get the support you need, and you will need support.

My WW's PA also created new sets of boundaries. She is not allowed to express moral condemnation of any member of our family (I will trigger beyond my control). She does not get to present herself as Ms. Perfect ever again. She left the moral high ground when she sacrificed her integrity. Had there been disclosure none of this would be necessary. She is free to refuse this consequence by disclosing... or, there is the door.

[This message edited by JungAdmirer at 9:07 PM, Monday, November 29th]

posts: 60   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2015
id 8701664
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Sadismynewname ( member #63897) posted at 3:02 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

While reading this I keep thinking about what I have told my husband many times in the three years since I found out. I am close to 70 and married for 39 years. He had never cheated before his trip to Vietnam 4 years ago.I thought he was the most trustworthy people I knew. He had prostrate cancer 26 years ago which medically made him impotent. I remained faithful and celibate all those years thinking cheating wasn’t an option. Just so you have some background for my situation. I constantly say if I had known when I was younger that our relationship wasn’t important enough to you to remain faithful I would of been able to start over again with someone who did value what I brought to the table. I think you know from what you have said she is capable of doing this again and again. You are more than likely will wind up like me wishing you had found someone capable of being faithful and valuing a good marriage.

posts: 178   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northwest
id 8701800
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 Lefonquey1 (original poster new member #79618) posted at 3:23 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

The poster is telling us that he feels humiliated by what his wife did. He doesn't want to feel publicly humiliated and he doesn't want to have to explain to everyone why he would R with his WS. So he might have preferred or even asked his WS to deny any rumors about the A. That's not made clear in his post.

Seeking2Forgive, you are right... maybe I was unclear on my post. This was totally humiliating to me. I wasn't man enough to keep her out of this guys bed and now the idea of people knowing that I'm trying to reconcile with someone who would do this to me. It's just humiliating.

Seeing how easy it is for her to lie makes me remember all the times she lied to me. However, confirmation about the affair with some of the neighborhood acquaintances makes me think would be snickering behind my back. I know they probably already are, but at least with her denial, there would be a little bit of doubt. it's a double edge sword.

Seeking2Forgive and everyone else here... your comments are very much appreciated. Thank you.

posts: 18   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2021
id 8702108
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 4:24 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

With rare exceptions, I found almost no one blamed me or felt I caused the cheating. I guess some of my WW's may have, but she was definitely on a smear campaign to justify. This would not be the case with your wife, hopefully.

That" not man enough" deal is a relic, antiquated, perhaps believed by a bunch of idiots.

From what you have posted re who already knows, I believe this is either more widely known than you suspect already, or will be shortly.

posts: 230   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8702120
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 6:25 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Seeking2Forgive, you are right... maybe I was unclear on my post. This was totally humiliating to me. I wasn't man enough to keep her out of this guys bed and now the idea of people knowing that I'm trying to reconcile with someone who would do this to me. It's just humiliating.

I know exactly how you feel, but please listen to this. This is not your fault. Your WW has issues that are entirely within herself. No spouse is perfect. Every marriage has problems. Those are reasons for a conversation, an argument, or even an ultimatum. They never justify betraying someone that you've promised a lifetime of fidelity.

That happens because a wayward is looking for an external fix to their internal problem. Usually its the need for some kind of external validation. That sounds like your case based on your earlier posts.

You may think that it was your responsibility to provide that external validation and that you must have failed as a husband if she had to look elsewhere for it. That was my thinking. But here's the truth: that need for external validation is like a sink hole. You can never fill it. You may have spent your entire marriage working to please her, focused on her happiness. She will come to expect it and she will start to take it for granted. And then it doesn't count because you were obligated to do all that as her husband. None of that validation really addresses the internal problem that is driving that need.

When a WS starts to seek that validation and attention elsewhere they make a choice to betray their spouse rather than address the real issues behind that need - or even just whatever issues they believe have led them to that point. You are not to blame for that choice.

WSs are world champions at blaming everyone else for their problems. You may think that accepting her blame is what you need to do to reconcile. That does not address the real problem and leaves you carrying a burden that will always haunt you. Don't accept it. It's not yours to carry.

You love the her and want to protect her as the person you knew her as and the person that she could be again. She's not that person right now. You will have to help her face some hard truths to help her get there. This is one of them.

Best wishes to you.

Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 383   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8702159
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 10:09 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

This was totally humiliating to me. I wasn't man enough to keep her out of this guys bed and now the idea of people knowing that I'm trying to reconcile with someone who would do this to me. It's just humiliating.

Man, I understand this. I kept silent for 4 years to hide the humiliation. I did everything I could to be "man enough" and gave her the best sex of her life, kept her financially secure and did the heavy lifting to save a marriage. In the end, and she even admitted this, her choices had absolutely nothing to do with me. Once I came to grips with that and spent much, much time in contemplation, counseling and extended writing, the humiliation started to go away. After I made the decision to divorce and told my sons and extended family, I realized that I was "man enough" and that I could have a good life despite what had happened.

Your WW made her choices and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. She chose to step outside of the marriage - 100%. It had nothing to do with you. I do think it's pretty common for the BS to internalize blame for the WS's choices, but it had NOTHING to do with you.

3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 392   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8702195
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 11:17 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Lefon,

You have no obligation to keep quiet, about your WW or the OM especially, in a sense you are covering up their lies with more lies.

Someone robs a bank they get their name and picture published and they just stole money, how much more should someone who destroys a family and lives have their deeds known. Loss of reputation is part of the price of cheating.

You are just stating the truth, and it's a manly gutsy thing to do so.

posts: 1138   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8702204
Topic is Sleeping.
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