SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I got one of these to try, specifically “now what?”

And my first thoughts are…wtf am I missing. I don’t want to judge too early but I’m about to put it down. What are this guys qualifications? He makes all kinds of statements about what he knows as fact and the whole thing sounds like an amateur recording and like it flat out encourages psychological manipulation in place of a real relationship. Does that work? Yea probably, but it seems pretty sketchy.

He also acts as if females are some grand equation he solved and not just people. He has the tricks that somehow nobody else knows.

Am I just too bitter right now? Thoughts?

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 9:42 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

Looks like evolutionary psychology watered down a little with traditional gender roles. Haven't read it myself.

I bet I can summarize it without more than a cursory look at his web page.

Man up, improve yourself, provide leadship, and she cheated on you because you weren't man enough. Just reinforcing the false narrative that you are somehow 1) responsible for her actions and 2) could prevent cheating.

So far so good This0is0Fine.

I did not get to the self-improvement or help parts yet. Maybe there’s some decent material there.

He even made the analogy between mating and modern marketing.

“Manipulate your partner into liking you!”

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 4:40 AM, July 15th (Thursday)]

Well I pushed through this and have to say it was generally motivating. I do not agree with some of the generalizations and broad stroke painting and I think he makes conclusions that he cannot logically draw and that would not hold up to scrutiny. In hindsight it followed the classic military approach of break you down, build you up. Below are my summary findings. First the bad, then the good.

Some more hilarious nonsense

- The cheating likely happened because you fell into (list of habits). Nonsense. Lots of talk about mating “programming”. Either you learn to manipulate your SO with the “right” answers or they will consider straying.

- The dating scene is all a crooked game. This is a little long to get into detail on. (To an extent I agree society will be society, but come on…)

- Women will intentionally test you by insulting you (especially early in a relationship). The “proper” way to respond is to be “funny and playful”. (Accepting the insult is weak. Standing up for yourself is probably a hissy fit).

- There are 2 and only 2 types of men. Providers and Lovers. (Technically a third which is the 2 combined).

- If you are asked to make a decision (like where to eat) and make suggestions that are repeatedly declined, the correct response is “I’m going X and if you aren’t ready I’m going without you”. She will respect you for taking charge. me big strong man unga bunga. He even calls this “good communication”

- If you are asked about noticing an attractive women you should respond with a joke about being in bed with her or some similar jealousy inducing response. “Man up and be honest”. Sounds healthy.

- If your wife is about to cheat she might ask if youre ok with her going out a lot. The correct answer is to CHECK THE B!$&H!!!! And tell her she should stay home. You man you own relationship. I’m not sure how to discern from this supposed behavior and a genuine question though.

- The winner in all relationships is the one with the least to lose. Remember it’s all a power struggle to psychologically manipulate your SO.

- Basically, you should become a player after your divorce. Players (lover type) are cool. Losers (provider type) get used and stepped on. People who tell you not to do this are doing so out of self-doubt or unhappiness.

The good content I found

:

- My very first point above (on the cause of the affair) is nonsense of course, but…it is a good list of unhealthy states to avoid or be aware of in your relationship.

- Try to talk to 5 people a day after your separation to get back “out there”. Briefly and non-committally. Just say something nice to a stranger and then end the conversation.

- The balance in your life and relationships is to be both nice and confident (independent).

- You should learn to recognize red flags in a long term partner and not compromise on them. It will inevitably come back to bite you no matter how good things feel now. Unfortunately the examples are a little machismo here and overly generalized, as you can probably see. But the point is, don’t ignore these signs or feelings.

- Cheating is the easy and chickenshit way out of a difficult situation. (Amen!)

- Keep busy to move on. Set new goals. Exercise your mind and your body. After your loss make a list of things you want to do and learn. Get started now. Take control and build a positive “snowball”

Mandatory Missions after divorce

1. Your health: Get in shape. Improve your health. Go to a Dr.

2. Your money: Beware of manic optimism(chasing wild financial dreams, starting a new business, etc) embrace your cheapness. Get out of debt. Take advantage of this time of financial freedom.

- Care less about dating. Focus on yourself and the rest will come. Realize your potential.

- Watch out for those who try to bring you down as you transition.

- Check your bad habits. Build good ones. (He says this takes 2 months)

- discipline = freedom (financial habits, health habits, and building relationships)

- Don’t lose yourself when you do find new relationships.

- An excess of comfort kills a man’s ambition and a woman’s sex drive. (Not sure how much I agree with this as such a broad stroke, but it is thought provoking).

- There’s no better time to start over than right now.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 8:33 AM, July 15th (Thursday)]

Cheating happened because...

and

Cheating is a way out...

are both bullshit in a lot of affairs.

There are exit affairs. But based on what I have seen on this board, based on what I've read on actually well researched infidelity books such as "Not Just Friends", that isn't typically the case. Much more often it's just an emotional connection with another person you find attractive that progresses to a second intimate relationship in addition to your first. You engage in this second relationship, not because there is anything wrong with the first, but because it simply *feels good*.

I'm not going to sit here and switch to evolutionary biology and say monogamy is bullshit, but it is a completely normal tendency is to want to have sex with people we feel connected and attracted to.

It's solid boundaries that prevent a person from cheating, not the behavior of their partner.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 9:52 AM, July 15th (Thursday)]

Ugh.. I'm not sure slogging through the idiocy would be worth getting to the good advice, which is basically common sense anyway. Although, from what you've posted, any common sense at all is probably big thinking for this guy.

I never understand why men are so often critical of one another, because THAT is where the vast majority of these harsh judgments come from, from other men who want to define what masculinity ought to mean. This can be anything from how their great-grandaddy saw it to shit they made up on the spot. Instead of saying "alpha" and "beta", this guy is going to call it "lover" and "provider", but it's all negative criticism of other men, and usually for NOT being a controlling douche nozzle the way the critic wishes he was in his imagination. "Take THAT, you evil strumpet!.. and THAT!" And yeah, his assumptions about women are misogynistic trash, but his assumptions about men are equally offensive. Sorry dude, but no one gets a magic penis that can control "the little woman" and keep her in perpetual thrall.

Cheating is about the cheater. How could it not be? It's the cheater who makes their own CHOICES to step over the line and actively conceal their perfidy. We don't make that choice for them. We can't make ANY choices for them. This kind of betrayal crosses over every socio-economic and gender line. No one is immune. We can't guard against it with any guarantee of success because it doesn't just happen in relationships which have soured. It happens in otherwise happy couples as well. It's about the cheater, not the BS and not the marriage/partnership.

If you download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover it’ll probably be more help. It’s a free PDF and short.

I briefly looked at his website as I’ve never heard of him.

Early in the CV19 shutdown last year I came across someone on YouTube that professes to be a life/dating coach for men. I watched a few while he hawked his book as well. Painful and basically about manning up, don’t be a bitch (expressing emotions!!), make the girl chase you (because it’s what we really want!!), and the ultimate goal of course is hooking up in a few dates.

Embarrassing and demeaning to both genders.

While there are jerks aplenty on both sides of the fence, crap like this stuff (in my opinion) just encourages game playing vs. honesty. An occasional nugget may ring true or bring to light an awareness to work on but overall it’s mind numbing blather.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 12:45 PM, July 15th (Thursday)]

I believe I successfully lost my “nice guy” some time ago. But I’ll see if I can learn anything from that one too.

And I agree this attitude does more harm than good overall.

FWIW this is the guy who wrote “dead bedroom fix” which I have seen recommended more than once on here.

I'd be careful with too much that has the whiff of “red pill.” while some “red pill” notions are clearly true, overall it is overly simplistic. People are not evo psych binary robots.

Unless you have a deterministic view of the world, these ways of looking at people don't account for human complexity.

As has been mentioned “no more Mr. Nice Guy” and I would add “The Way of the Superior Man”

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:04 PM, July 15th (Thursday)]