SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by wk55hn at 6:01 PM, August 30th (Sunday)]

can she forgive you? Will you be able to forgive yourself for the way you have treated her. The humiliation? The name calling? The intrusive std test that you took some pleasure in forcing her to take (and actually hoped she'd catch a disease to teach her a lesson)? The humiliation of telling her friends, family and coworkers?

glasshouses - the way I've treated her? Humiliation? What are you talking about? Have you read my posts? The only thing I've done is called her names in anger. Maybe not my best moments, but please. I can live with myself. Are you suggesting we both should not have gotten a health check after she had unprotected sex and risked both her and my health? Isn't that the responsible thing to do so we could possibly address any positive results had the tests shown up that way. And we won't know for sure about HIV for about 6 months.

-

She is still the same person she was a few months ago.

I completely disagree.

Except now her guilt and your pain and anger have torn her to pieces.

Are you suggesting I shouldn't have been in pain or angry?

She did one selfish thing.

You make it sound like she simply took the last chocolate chip cookie from the jar.

Apologise to your wife for all the deliberate hurt, shame and pain you have caused her.

Stop treating her like she is subhuman.

Wow. Just...wow. Please quote me the passages where I did the things you accuse me of doing? Treating her like she's subhuman??? I don't even know how to begin to respond to this.

Look, you are entitled to your opinion and moral equivalency, as misguided as I may think it might be, but if you're going to impugn my character and integrity, at least have the decency to read the posts you reference and represent them accurately. Don't just make things up to fit the view your trying to espouse. Your comments misrepresent my situation, my actions, my behavior. They misrepresent me.

But thanks for posting.

Hey....aren't you supposed to be on vacation?

Yea that was a tough read. Remember it's just one persons misguided opinion. Try to let it roll off and enjoy yourself.

Walloped,

I never posted to this thread before. I did read one or two of your posts that you went for a walk/run, and you felt better after. And when I read that, it sparked me to get up and move again myself. I've always ran...and it always helped clear my mind.

But after D-Day, 7/12/15, I've had little energy to do anything. Then, I read your posts and went for a little walk/run to get back into it. And while I was catching my breath, I was thinking I need to do more that will pull me out of the negatives. Something to balance me, so I can think clearly. Even if it's only for 30mins to an hour...I think we all need to take time to be kind to ourselves.

Anyways, thanks!

W,

Just let those comments slide like water off a ducks back.

You are entitled to feel the way you do, nothing wrong with it at all. You're anger is completely natural, and the vast majority of us have all gone through it. Contempt can become an issue post A, but I certainly don't sense that from your posts and I have been following along since you started. You've been getting great advice from the awesome BHs on this site (as an aside comment - you guys should put your heads together and come up with a group name) and if something was amiss they would have called you on it.

You're handling things very well, it may not seem like it, but really you are.

Now, go back to taking some time for yourself.

Hey W,

I came in here tonight because I couldn't sleep (have good nights and bad!) and see that you checked in. I chose to respect the thread while you were away and just read, hope this is just quick pit stop for you and that you're getting a little respite and some much needed perspective. ((Walloped)) good to see you.

And I couldn't agree more with Walloped or believe what I read from Glasshouses??? I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion, but get your facts straight at least.

Warning further Rant.....Glasshouses, You chose a very interesting moniker, your posts in here, which range from wildly inaccurate, judgemental, and insensitive to defensive and apologetic. Pot calling!!!....Black kettle hello?? are you there??? Rant over!

My apologies, I am having a really bad night, so many things going through my head and I checked in here hoping to see if there was any good news and progress for Walloped? Maybe even the travel report that was promised and then I saw what Glasshouses posted and got mad because IMO it was disrespectful! All of what were are experiencing as B is so inherently disrespectful, we have to stand up for what we think is justified or not!

Anyway, I hope that you are getting some healing and clarity and I look forward to being further inspired.

Be well and take care

(((Walloped))))

W

IMO you have done a terrific job so far. In my experience and based on the threads I have read, your doing are the best I have seen.

Nevertheless, as I believe all posts are valuable if you ever feel the need to apologize to your wife, just do it. It doesnt mean yiu are accepting any fault for her doings or that you are heading to R or even forgive her. It is for yiu to feel better about your self, nothing more. Also any path you chose yiu are libked to her as she is the mother of your kids.

IMO marriage is not a contest, and your wife is not your oponent. Is a partnership based on the love and respect to each other, if one fail for any reazon the partnership may be disolved or restaured with out punishing.

I hope you are enjoying your vacations and getting better everyday.

Up date how you are doing and feeling when ready. Take your time

glasshouses...

You have a PM.

As someone who is also from the UK , I would like to apologize for the idiotic comments from Glasshouses . To make the statements that you have about Walloped reactions to discovering his wife affair are nothing more than verbal diarrhea .Shame on you Glasshouses .

Just for the record, my WH completely agrees with any name calling and harsh words said in the aftermath of his betrayal. I have not hit below the belt at any time, but I sure let A LOT of angry words fly.

He will not let me apologize, he says he deserves it.

And another thing, we don't know if our WS are the genuine person we married after we've been betrayed. We cannot afford to give them the benefit of the doubt until we sort it all out, until they reveal themselves. To even consider that she is the same woman he married at this point is emotional suicide.

His forgiveness may come when he comes to that conclusion, if he ever does.

Self preservation is running high right now.

He's been conducting himself as a benevolent alpha should. Not like some (disgusting) others who have slapped their wives into walls at the discovery of infidelity.

Read so many stories of BS who followed the path of "this was just an anomaly, this isn't who my spouse really is, we can move on..." and you will read about their return here months or years down the line because they rolled over.

Strength, Walloped.

Walloped,

Remember, "take what you need and leave the rest."

I too think you've been doing a good job of navigating the minefield, just remember that some advice might be coming from a place of personal pain and will be colored by the poster's experiences and hurt. I know it's easier said than done, but don't let it get to you.

You're supposed to be on vacation. Go get your mind off all the shit and enjoy yourself for a little while. You deserve it.

Well that settles the debate about if his wife knows about this place.

Apologise to your wife for all the deliberate hurt, shame and pain you have caused her. Stop treating her like she is subhuman.

Heh

Whenever I read about some betrayed spouse going postal* I think, "I don't agree with it, but I sure do understand it."

They know what to expect, and anything less is being showered with grace. My counselor, after I explained my D-Day, told me that if I had killed them both I would have got off on a temporary insanity defense.

* My apologies to the brave postal workers across the globe. Please don't hunt me down.

[quote]As someone who is also from the UK , I would like to apologize for the idiotic comments from Glasshouses . To make the statements that you have about Walloped reactions to discovering his wife affair are nothing more than verbal diarrhea .Shame on you Glasshouses .[/quote]

DEVONMAN

Thank you. I'm from US but could not have said it any better.

Well that settles the debate about if his wife knows about this place.

I thought the exact same thing.

Dear walloped,

My heart is with u & ur wonderful family , it breaks my heart that a nice family like urs has to face such thing, I really admire the way you r dealing with the whole thing and I feel very sorry for ur wife and it seems she is good &so neive person, who was badly manipulated by a devil .

If rounding on me makes you all feel better go ahead. I stand by what I've said. I've also been PMed by a moderator who is suspicious of who I am because I don't agree with the rest of you. So much for 'Please come in and share...you're safe here'. My opinion is 'idiotic'? 'Verbal diarrhoea'? Where's the mutual respect this forum prides itself in? It feels to me like a lot of this environment is fuelled by anger and hatred and people don't want to let go of that. It feels like you just want to validate each other's rage and attack anyone who doesn't comply. If there's one point of agreement here, I think we can all agree that I'm in the wrong place.

Glasshouse ,

There is a difference between giving opinions and attacking other . It seems that u misread Walloped posts

Try to read again please

[This message edited by Rain1177 at 9:23 AM, August 31st (Monday)]

Devonman...

Attacking will not be tolerated. Do it again and you'll lose your profile.

For the record I want to say that I agree with a lot of that glasshouse is saying.

Not all, maybe not the way it’s put forth and it’s definitely not the correct timing for this message but the general message is IMHO totally OK and – like all views expressed here on SI – has some merit.

Walloped – I’m an anti-infidelity hard-ass. So you know where I come from: Just about 30 years ago I walked in on my then-fiancé having sex in our bed with another man. We had been living together nearly 3 years, dating for a couple more before that and only 5 weeks from our big, planned wedding. In my case I walked out of that relationship with no effort whatsoever to reconcile. Why? Well… no kids, no mortgage, no major commitments… just was the right thing to do.

At the time I said a couple of things to her and about her. Amongst the things I did was send out a cancelation note for the marriage to most of the guest-list that contained things that I should have omitted. Nothing serious, nothing rude or bad, but definitely something I could have handled with more grace. Of all the events, trauma and experiences from my d-day then now – this much later – the note is the one thing I regret. If I were to meet my ex-fiancé now chances are I would try to apologize for that action. Partially because it hurt her but more importantly because I feel shame – this much later – for how I reacted and know NOW with the clarity of time that I shouldn’t have done it.

Walloped: IF you reconcile then someday far down the road she is entitled to tell you about the pain she felt after it all came out. IF you reconcile correctly then you will listen to her. She might understand how some of the pain was necessary to end the affair and shake her back to reality but chances are there will be some things left that still leave a bitter taste in both your mouth’s; words and things said that maybe had no purpose other than hurt.

But that point is way far down the path you two might be trying to find right now.

Remember how I described JFO as the ER of SI? The pain she might have felt is maybe comparable to the pain from burn-marks after a defibrillator. It’s yet to be seen if applying the defibrillator was important to help the patient survive.

Finally: I think assuming that Mrs. W or her “friend” is posing as glasshouse is waaaaaay out there.