SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

AHGuy, I'm sorry you are struggling today. You are correct, though. You WILL be OK. You are a strong guy dealing with a terrible situation.

You are planning on doing the right things, focus on yourself and trust your judgement. Through all of this craziness, you have shown yourself to be a sound, clear thinker.

As you have made the decision on how you want to proceed, I wish you luck. I hope that your STBXWW holds to her promise and doesn't make it a contentious D. Hopefully she will see that it is the best way to help everyone in her family heal from the devastation she created. Perhaps you should explain that to her when you let her know of your decision. If she truly wants to do what is best for you and her kids, she should try to look at how you all can function best post D. Making things difficult will only deepen the wounds she created.

what did your wife say , what was her excuse ?

Sorry mate.

You're a good man and you're kids and friends Know it.

No-one deserves this but at least you know what you're going to do about it.

I think i'd buy the OBS the biggest bunch of flowers going just to thank her she's been a real saviour to you.

My heart goes out to you. With what she has done and continues to do, it looks like she hasn't yet had a revolution of how deep her sin and betrayal is. I'm sorry for you. As you go forward let God heal your heart. She sinned against God and you as her vows were to you both. While a older man came and told you his story and made you feel his pain, did he with his story of happy life share the paint he still has, even if it is only form time to time? I also was a little bugged by the fact that he was the only man. In my view if your going to a man ,a brother ,for something like this, you go with other brothers. Not other women. The church is imperfect but this is is a bad testimony. God is perfect we fail every day. God can still do a work in WW heart and in yours but if she doesn't get in his presence and bear her soul with no holding back He won't override her will, just as He didn't when she betrayed you both. I have been praying for you and will continue. Straight, pease and sound mind to you brother.

AH,

I admit that part of me was holding back and hoping for miracles, I was somehow convincing myself to delay things and finding excuses not to go for it

Those of us who have been through this sees a newly BS through their own experience. They see the hope and stalling tactics that a newly BS goes through. Unfortunately we know the end result but I don't blame them for trying everything they can because I was exactly the same way.

if you know me enough you would know that this isn't me

Infidelity has a special way of changing a person.

I can't do this any longer, I'm retaining the lawyer today and will file

That's okay. It is also okay should you change your mind several times before you commit to R or file for D. No one can tell you that what you are doing, either way, is wrong because they are not you.

I'm pretty sure you understand how I feel about ending my marriage, how painful it is to give up on long term relationship

When changes are made lives are changed. It is tough to end a marriage even if you are 100% sure that it is the right thing for you. On the flip side, it is also tough to commit to R even if you are 100% sure that it is the right thing for you. There is nothing about any of this that is easy.

I'm sure I will be fine just not today

You might not be fine today, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year but I can almost guarantee you that you will be fine.

today is not a good day for me, but hopefully a new start.

Yes, a new start.

AH,

I've been following your story since the day you posted. My dday was exactly 2 days before yours, but I signed up to this site a short while after you. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for sharing your story. Please know that it has helped me (and I'm sure many others) get through the darkest moments of my life. I'm not one to post things and get feedback, mostly because I feel that it is draining and I'm not ready for it, but reading this thread has helped me immensely. Thank you for your courage and strength (and thanks to the invaluable advice from everyone else!). It gives me hope and is also guiding me through this mess. Fortunately for me, my WW doesn't want to R, which hurts me incredibly, but I know is better for me in the long run. Please know that I am thinking and praying for you, brother. I don't even know you, but I know that you are absolutely a good person. Everyone is telling you this. I know it might not mean much from a stranger, but remind yourself of this the next time you're feeling down. I wish you luck on your journey, as I will be following along for inspiration.

With gratitude,

NextChapter

IMHO too much emphasis in many of the suggestions is on revenge.

Revenge is like urinating on your hands to keep warm in cold weather. It might offer temporary relief but tends to leave you with new and larger problems and even colder after ten minutes or so.

100 percent agreed. You really don't need to know anything else. In my opinion, it's just a rabbit hole you can keep going down (speak from experience) that won't bring closure.

What will bring closure is to cut the Gordian's knot with a clean, swift sword strike. Once that happens you will detach and disengage and you won't even care about all of the tawdry details of her inner life.

This is who she is. You know what you need to know.

NextChapter,

When you are ready, post in JFO or general, and we will help you

100 percent agreed. You really don't need to know anything else. In my opinion, it's just a rabbit hole you can keep going down (speak from experience) that won't bring closure.

What will bring closure is to cut the Gordian's knot with a clean, swift sword strike. Once that happens you will detach and disengage and you won't even care about all of the tawdry details of her inner life.

I agree with this. Filing for divorce gave me more relief than digging for more information would’ve. I found after a point that knowing more was just hurting me emotionally, and I already had enough to know that my ex was a lying jerk that I didn’t want to stay married to. I’m sure what I uncovered was just the tip of the iceberg (because I found out A LOT), but at the end of the day, it was better to not poke the beehive more and do what I could to make the divorce go through as smoothly and quickly as possible. Cheater guilt has an expiration date, so getting the financial agreements in place before it ran out was in my best interest out of gathering more info and making my ex pissed off.

I think you are already on the right path. You informed her that you were considering divorcing her. You told her the hard truth. She doesn't have to like it. I would just get a lawyer and start get the ball rolling. If you do decide to try to discuss a division of the assets then there is nothing wrong with that as well. The more you can be straight up with her the better off you will be in the event it does go to court.

I am really sorry you have had to go through this. I cant even imagine listening to that audio and thinking to yourself the whole time she swore once again she was not in contact with him. It really sounded to me like to some degree she was negotiating and it went south for her then she brought up the restraining order. She probably considered he might be an option if you divorced her and then she felt she had to ask about the others and he pulled the same shady behavior she has and she called him on it.

I could be wrong on this but its just my take of it.

I hope things start to go better for you.

there will be no R I'm determined more than any other time to file for divorce ASAP. last night was the last straw, I admit that part of me was holding back and hoping for miracles, I was somehow convincing myself to delay things and finding excuses not to go for it, if you know me enough you would know that this isn't me.

AHguy has made pretty clear that he wants to D and will file ASAP, he already selected a lawyer that he likes, he KNOWS he can stop the process IF he eventually changes his mind and for whatever reason decides to give his WW the gift of R (that's if she still wants it, let's not forget she has been considering D way before getting caught), he also knows that R may be an option even after D (unlikely but not impossible depending on the situation at the time).

AHguy you have chosen to D and based on what you just posted I think you knew it was a dealbreaker from the getgo, remember cheaters are NEVER "owed" a 2nd chance, keep posting frequently, remember this is FAR from over, prepare for battle, your WW has SHOWN you she is NOT to be trusted and her attitude to not fight you on the D could change at any moment and without notice. Keep posting frequently, we're here to support you, it's ok and understandable to feel bad but with time you will heal, in case you haven't noticed there's a D/S forum right here on SI, you can start a thread there to post your case and get valuable info from other SI members who have taken that path.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 1:01 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

Congratulations on finally making the final decision. I know it was not an easy road to get to this point. I remember it well. It was so freeing to tell the lawyer to file and have the cheater served.

Yes, there will be some hard and difficult days ahead of you. You will be shocked at how the emotions will come from out of nowhere. Then when you analyze the start of the bad feelings, you will realize that you were triggered by something you thought was insignificant, but you had some type of event associated with it. For me, it was driving by restaurants we used to eat at. But I promise that over time, those bad days and triggers will get fewer and fewer. They will become less and less intense. And one day, you will be shocked that the day before, you did not think of her, pos, or their cheating AT ALL the previous day.

You might want to consider seeing an individual counselor to help you get through all of this and help you along with the healing process.

Also, when you talk to your kids, describe to them why it is impossible for you to stay married to her. Tell them that while she was begging for reconciliation, she was still in touch with him, and that their mother only broke up with him because she discovered HE WAS CHEATING ON HER WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. Tell them to ask her about Jenny.

You should be proud of yourself on how you handled this trip to Hell and back. You kids have witnessed a strong man with strong morals deal with this situation. You are a great example of how they should behave when face with such adversity.

Don’t tell wife that you are filing. Let her be surprised when served. This was a great benefit to me when I had my cheater served. It was, ah, I guess the best word is, empowering. It allowed me to reclaim my life, my pride, my manhood. I think it was more like payback causing me to be shocked when I first discovered her secret. So now, let her feel that shock, disbelief, hopelessness, and helplessness that you felt when she gets handed the paperwork from the server.

Be proud of yourself!

But also, protect yourself as she most likely increase the manipulation attempts at she is now in crisis level.

As I’ve said before, head up, shoulders back!!!

Great job!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 1:23 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

I am so glad the OBS was open to share this information with you. She helped you SO MUCH. You now know, without a shadow of a doubt, who you wife really is. I commend you for being so strong and for moving forward so swiftly. Continue with the 180 as I am sure your wife is about to lose her MIND when she doesn't have control of the situation anymore. Be direct with your daughter and I am sure she will also understand. Hopefully she will be able to make sure her mom makes the divorce easy and favorable to you so you can move on sooner than later.

You have happy days ahead of you so go ahead and let yourself feel sad today. You should also feel proud because you have done a great job through all of this trauma. Keep moving forward and ignore your wife's inevitable freak outs.

Thank you very much, ShutterHappy. It feels so good knowing that there is so much support from everyone here. Please know that you all are appreciated! (I'm sure you knew that already.)

AHGuy,

I am sorry that you have gone through this bitter epiphany. It has happened to thousands of people who have passed through this forum, and the hearts of all of us who had to accept the hard truth go out to you.

The fact that the conversation between your wife and the AP took place earlier on the day that her letter was sent - and possibly before it was written, given the time it took for her to reply - casts its content in a new light.

There is nothing to be gained by re-appraising the letter point by point, because the whole thing was based on a level of calculated duplicity that is breathtaking.

You are reeling from that gut-punch, as many of us did when we experienced our own version of it, but there is something that I want to tell you that I know others here will confirm.

Right now, you are at emotional ground zero. The knowledge that you now have probably feels like the least welcome insight of your life. Let me tell you, from my own experience, that as time passes, and the initial pain recedes, you will become grateful that while you had to endure the pain of infidelity, you did not have to suffer a whole new world of pain that comes from being part of a reconciliation that is based on heartless lies.

It is better to find the truth out now than to invest several more years of your life, only to discover that you were being lied to all over again. That has a gut-punch all its own, and in some cases it can feel worse than the infidelity that preceded it.

And then there is the strange twilight world that we wander when something about our reconciliation does not feel right or genuine, but we have no way to get to the truth. So we stay in a situation that our gut tells us is false, unhappy to stay, but unwilling to go.

People caught in that wasteland will often say, "I wish he/she would cheat again, so that the decision would be made for me". That is not a place anyone deserves to be, and you would have hated it, AHG.

As painful as a clean break where you know the truth may be, it is many times better than the false reconciliation that your wife was trying to pull you into, or you spending the next ten or twenty years with a sense that something is not right.

And given your wife's nature, how long would she have lasted in a reconciliation that was just a facade before she strayed again? She would certainly not be the first to use a false reconciliation as the green light to start philandering again.

If a 100% genuine, sincere, and honest reconciliation is not possible, a clean break is best for all concerned. False reconciliation is a waste of life, love, and trust, and it prevents us from living a life unburdened with dishonesty, as well as freeing us to meet someone with more integrity and solid values.

As time passes and grants you a new perspective, you will realize how lucky you were that you were not tricked into a false reconciliation by your wife's false words, hollow declarations about re-dedicating her life to Jesus, or deputations from church composed of good people being cynically exploited by your wife as she attempted to find your weak spot.

You deserve so much better than this, and I firmly believe that freeing yourself from your wife's toxic web of lies will be the first step towards finding it.

You are not alone. There are many people here who have taken you to their hearts, and they will do everything they can to help you get through this. You have us standing shoulder to shoulder with you right now, always here to listen, and always ready to offer our thoughts and support whenever you want them.

Our thoughts, prayers, and good wishes are with you 24/7, brother.

[This message edited by M1965 at 4:31 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

Look at the brightside, you won’t have to spend $500 on a poly to get your answers!

It was actually funny how it went from him trying to nice her out and pleading for chance to be with her to a fight wand him calling her the B word and a “cheap ass” even after she hanged up he kept cussing calling her B word. I guess she questioned his multiple affairs and at first he was telling her that she knows he isn’t happy with his wife that’s why he was looking at other women but since he found my wife he wanted to settle with her and that she is the only one that gets him and bunch of Other BS, then started talking about a woman called Jenny that neither I nor OBS had heard of apparently my WW suspected that OM was into her for whatever reason but the OM kept saying I don’t give a F about Jenny she is nothing to me. At the end of the conversation they blew it up, J guess my wife Threatened with restraining order if he calls her because he was like fuck you and your restraining order you B*****, the kept on cussing he told her the truth “ you ain’t nothing but a cheap ass”.

It sounds to me like your WW called to confront him about the other women. It also sounds like there had been some NC before that, so maybe you had a "partial truth" on that score.

I'm NOT going to try to talk you out of your D decision. I think it's probably the best decision for you, considering the length of the affair and you previous status as "one and onlys". Those are huge hurdles. Your WW has lied to you for years, cheated on you (and in so doing, abused you), she's attempted to manipulate you through your church and within the family. She has carelessly thrown away what was special and irreplaceable between you. But... she's still not any worse than any other garden variety cheater. They pretty much all do this sort of shit.

As you proceed forward though, I think it's likely that you'll be dealing with a very broken, pitiful WS. She's losing everything; her husband, her family dynamic, the respect of her community, half her assets, etc. She's also FINALLY found out that she was being used, nothing but "cheap ass" for the POSOM after him lovebombing her for years. I think it's likely that you'll continue to see tearful entreaties from her and possibly even threats of suicide. Take those threats seriously. It's unfortunate, but threats of suicide are common, and even though it's quite rare, occasionally one goes through with it. I think you're possibly going to need to strike a balance between getting what you need from the divorce and showing some compassion about it. As your STBX deteriorates, your children are likely to be caught up in growing sympathy for her situation.

With you decision made, I think you can soften up your 180, maybe let her feel like you've listened to her excuses, allow her to believe you'll still be "friends", encourage her to get some supportive therapy, and just in general sort of ease her through the process. Normally I wouldn't say these things... and if I'm reading her wrong, ignore what I've said... but if she goes particularly fragile on you, I think you'd do well to allow for some emotional support as she comes to terms with her losses. And of course, if you're not 100% sure of your divorce decision, you might even consider Discernment Therapy.

Again, I'm not trying to advocate for a different decision or anything like that. I just think you'd do well to be cautious so we can get everyone through this process in one piece.

Strength and healing to you.

As you proceed forward though, I think it's likely that you'll be dealing with a very broken, pitiful WS. She's losing everything; her husband, her family dynamic, the respect of her community, half her assets, etc. She's also FINALLY found out that she was being used, nothing but "cheap ass" for the POSOM after him lovebombing her for years. I think it's likely that you'll continue to see tearful entreaties from her and possibly even threats of suicide.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

If she threatens suicide do take it seriously, and then Call 911 so the authorities can respond and if need be, have her committed under hospitalization for the requisite period of time.

I don't mean to sound cold but you need to detach now. Medical and psychological professionals will be better equipped to appropriately handle a serious suicide threat than you.

And I would recommend against "softening" the 180. If she starts really freaking out as others suggest, you may need to grey rock her as much as possible. Grey rock is the 180 on steroids. Move forward with the D as quickly as possible, rip the Band Aid off, and gain a new life.

you're about to find out she's a really weak person and probably at some level an emotional vampire (that line in the letter about "the support you have always provided" makes me think that).

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:41 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

As you proceed forward though, I think it's likely that you'll be dealing with a very broken, pitiful WS. She's losing everything; her husband, her family dynamic, the respect of her community, half her assets, etc. She's also FINALLY found out that she was being used, nothing but "cheap ass" for the POSOM after him lovebombing her for years. I think it's likely that you'll continue to see tearful entreaties from her...

True, but after two years she must have known most of this already. I mean, deep down. Yet she carrier on as she loved what he bought her (nice motels, dinners, gifts...).

Not to be mean to her, but like everyone she needs to learn her actions have consequences- loss of family, loss of husband, loss of children's respect, loss of self-respect.... But it's the price one pays.

Detach, separate, divorce, seek a better life.