SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Stevesn:

Where is she going. Whom is she with?

I can't be thinking like this. I just can't. I have to be able to trust her. She told me things she didn't have to tell me, and she's under no illusion about where I stand now. We've made real progress and I want to keep it that way.

I can't be thinking like this. I just can't. I have to be able to trust her. She told me things she didn't have to tell me, and she's under no illusion about where I stand now.

Trust is the last thing you should do with her right now. That is fully against your self interest.

My xWW confessed, but confessed lies to minimize. She told me things that she could have hidden at times, and at the same time kept massive elements of the affair from me, including things relevant to my daughter’s well being. I know where you are coming from on this, but when you are dealing with someone who has left honesty behind, the possibilities are endless and mind bending.

I think you need to get used to making some waves, friend. You matter.

InkHulk: My daughter is an adult now, and indeed my WW will be with her for most of these three weeks. If my WW has been lying to me, she will become my xWW. But I believe her intent, and I choose to make myself vulnerable to her. If I'm wrong, so be it.

torso1500, OhItsYou: For this reason and others, I don't think codependency is what's going on here. I've read the first half of the book and skim-read the second, and most of it simply doesn't match. Nor is she an alcoholic; I think her initial claim not to really remember how it all happened was mostly a self-defence shame response.

are you willing to go to IC? please consider it. I know there has been progress, that's still valid, but the things you've said here are just not healthy patterns of thought for you, and they really need a trained set of outside eyes on them.

torso1500: I would certainly consider it, but how do you go about finding someone decent? I see a lot of people on this site complaining about MCs (particularly WRT both-sides-ing affairs) so there must be good ones and bad ones and this must apply to ICs too.

consider that people are more motivated to write out complaints than when things are not bothering them. Gently, maybe reflect on that statement about MC complaints and how defeatist and self-limiting it is? You are really struggling and unhappy with these feelings and thought patterns...how about just trying something different without putting any pre-conceptions on it? Just try.

If you're not meshing with the first therapist, don't feel like you have to tough it out and move to the next one to try. And so on.

I think you are in the UK so I don't have great suggestions as I'm in the US unfortunately. There are some UK users here that might have something. Sometimes the licensing body has a directory or referral service, or if there is a private referral service like Psychology Today?

If anyone in the UK can recommend me an IC, please do!

But I’m actually happier and more optimistic now about the whole situation than I’ve been since it all began.

why should UK users give you the effort if you've already decided you're optimistic and imply you won't use therapy... and no, that is not a sarcastic statement.

[This message edited by torso1500 at 12:37 AM, Wednesday, May 27th]

If my WW has been lying to me, she will become my xWW.

I mean absolutely no disrespect, but if you have a hard time holding your ground, lines in the sand like this can move again and again and again. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. I was afraid of my wife-at-the-time’s anger, it was very counterproductive in my journey.

Just piping up to say, if you get yourself an IC, sometime it takes a lot of different tries to find one that you click with enough for it to help you. I went through 8! But I'm glad I didn't give up and I met her. So just keep that in mind and don't give up!

torso1500: I am optimistic, but I certainly didn’t mean to imply that I won’t use therapy; I was just responding to your "You are really struggling and unhappy with these feelings and thought patterns".. I also don’t mean to put anyone to any trouble, I just thought someone might have a name to hand.

InkHulk: It’s true that I hate seeing my WW hurting, but I’m unfazed by her anger, and I’m pretty sure lying (as an act of commission rather than omission) would be a hard red line for me.

GotTheMorbs: Eight! How do you know when you’ve found the right one?! My WW gave up after the first because she thought her IC was unprofessional to tell her that she was lucky to have a BH that would stick with her. How do you strike a balance between "we haven’t clicked" and "they’re telling me things I don’t want to hear"?

I’m weighing in late here because I wanted to see where this particular post led.

Basically if you are happy in your marriage and live the life you desire, that’s great.

Obviously objective people here at SI see things that some of us don’t agree with. But it’s not as though they have to change unless you are unhappy as well.

We see many red flags 🚩but again, it’s not our relationship. We see things from a different perspective and believe it’s just hard to understand how you could be happy, knowing that you have posted things we betrayeds would be concerned with.

From experience I was naive and allowed my H’s first 4 year EA to be completely rugswept. Never discussed. No consequences. Just moved forward and 15 years later, his midlife crisis affair nearly caused a D b/c he wanted to be with the OW.

Very different outcome from the second affair. Best thing I did was take back my power and start putting myself first. However we are happily reconciled (13 years now) but he knows I can walk out the door if I wanted to and live a very happy life. I am no longer dependent upon him like I was.

He realized how he disrespected me with his selfishness and choices he made over the years. And he’s grateful we are still together. But if my H told me I had to accept X or Y or Z to stay married, (and I wasn’t on board) — we would not be married. He can no longer shove his opinions down my throat and I just accept them. That was the old me (by choice).

The new me (post affair) is too much of a badass lol to let that happen.

Eight! How do you know when you’ve found the right one?! My WW gave up after the first because she thought her IC was unprofessional to tell her that she was lucky to have a BH that would stick with her. How do you strike a balance between "we haven’t clicked" and "they’re telling me things I don’t want to hear"?

I typically gave them 2-4 sessions each before I decided that it wasn't working. Some of them tried to make excuses for my infidelity, and I knew we couldn't have that. Some of them just kept asking how my day was and giving examples from their own life as a means of relating to me... Which some people like, but it wasn't what I was there for. A good therapist makes you feel listened to and helps you figure out your deeper problems, and which you need to work on first. They'll ask you questions in order to gently lead you to conclusions that might be difficult for you to accept on your own. Sometimes it is a little uncomfortable to go to the deep, dark, emotional places with them, but they hold your hand, so to speak, and they help you work through it. When I got to the 6th session with my current IC and didn't want to switch, I felt like she was the right one for me.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 12:59 PM, Wednesday, May 27th]

Thanks, The1stWife.

The thing that's been really hard for me is the trickle-truthing.

The infidelity itself, yes, but maybe I did give her a kind of permission with OW after letting it slide 19 years ago, and maybe with OM1 she did just feel like she might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb on that particular night, and maybe with OM2 I had been kinda blasé about it.

But WW has no such plausible deniability now. I think we're closer to the outcome of your WH's second affair rather than the first. She doesn't get to do any of that stuff again. She doesn't get to close down the conversation.

Yet I still don't want to have to police her. Maybe that's naive. Maybe my nervous system won't ever settle and I'll have to take more draconian steps. Maybe she'll stray. But right now, I think I would rather leave myself knowingly vulnerable to that.

This is the new me, by choice.

I contacted an IC today, to help me with my choice. Maybe he'll talk me out of it.

Thanks, GotTheMorbs.

Some of them tried to make excuses for my infidelity, and I knew we couldn't have that.

I wish my WW would think like that. I feel like it would quieten my nervous system a lot. How did you get to that place? Sometimes when people draw a distinction between shame and guilt they seem to be saying that the former cannot be faced up to by the culpable party whereas the latter can. Did you have to forgive yourself to arrive at this position?

A good therapist makes you feel listened to and helps you figure out your deeper problems, and which you need to work on first. They'll ask you questions in order to gently lead you to conclusions that might be difficult for you to accept on your own. Sometimes it is a little uncomfortable to go to the deep, dark, emotional places with them, but they hold your hand, so to speak, and they help you work through it.

I'm very much open to this.