SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’d like to add that the only time I got really angry, I mean REALLY ANGRY, was when I realized that I no longer had full confidence that my two children were genetically my two kids...

Ummm... my math skills may be a little fuzzy, but weren't your kids born well before the affair?

I'm not a man. I'm a middle-aged woman. The whole discussion is interesting to me because I can see that there are instances where I feel and act differently. For example, I can't picture myself being protective of my husband or his feelings with regard to his infidelity. Yet I can see where my brothers were raised to be protective of me and my feelings.

But, I think if I were a man and my significant other had been unfaithful at any point in the relationship, the question would enter my mind about my children being genetically mine. And I would also feel really angry.

Unhinged --

I've spent a lifetime studying philosophy. I've read the Bible (okay, maybe half), some of the Koran, a little Taoism, Confucius, Plato, Aristotle, Marcus Aurelius, Aquinas, Nietzsche, Kant, Rand... none of that prepared me for the depths of betrayal.

Yeah, I love studying philosophy and psychology and other ologies -- none of it, none of my logic or mindfulness helped me a bit either.

I suppose if my emotional wounds were down to the DNA, my biological programming hadn't read enough Socrates or Lao Tzu to make a difference.

However we find the bottom of anger and despair, I have enjoyed the climb back up into whatever today is.

It may mean my DNA is also back to chill level.

Or I'm now stoic enough to be closing in on House of Plane's just 'being' and letting everyone else do the same.

Asterisk --

To be honest, it was the 1st issue that I had to just accept that I will never know (for sure) that the kids I love with every fiber of my being may not be mine genetically.

Not that I needed any further clarification as to why you are here with us at SI all those years later, but this additional information (plus previous shares of other trauma in your life) explains a LOT about your continuing pain.

Unfortunately, I could relate for a long time.

My wife's A actually went from EA to PA while she was pregnant. Sure seemed like it could go either way for my youngest.

I didn't know for a long time, but I did check his blood type, and I knew AP's blood type (AP was family friend and he was a part time EMT, and it was on his ID). So, I was eventually able to answer the question. And if somehow he wasn't all mine, I never looked at him different, and wouldn't have if the evidence went the other way.

It's different level of pain in the years I wasn't certain.

Hopefully, venting here as often as you need will prove somewhat cathartic as you work toward healing up some more.

I'm not saying the paternity issue is at all likely or that there's anything you should do about it or that it would change your love for your children.

I guess I'm sympathizing in a way. I think personally it would occur to me at some point. Then I'd get angry about it, like irrationally angry that it's even something I have to think about; and how dare they put me and our children in that position. I'm not trying to encourage the point. It's a thing that I would completely understand going through emotionally though.

Unhinged,

I am going to combine your three comments into this reply.

I think your shame is more a reflection of that self abandonment.

Self-abandonment caused by protecting my spouse? That is a dizzying bind, isn’t it? If what you are suggesting is true then the question for me to answer is, is it worth it? Does my wife, in the long run, benefit from it? I need to ponder on this and get back with you.

She has been safe. And in reality by the kind of marriage and warmness you describe you have been in a safe relationship too for a very long time.

This is true. And probably the main reason I came to this site. I could see that I was living in two opposing worlds. One, where this amazing woman, who I’d never seen hurt another living creature, didn’t hesitate to kicked me to the curb. And another, where she loves me deeply and would do almost anything to take away the pain. But the one thing I need she has been unable to supply. And, I know few agree, but I have no right to force her in doing so, I would be, in a way, kicking her to the curb in a failed effort to meet my needs. This is why I desperately wanted a place to share and seek new perspectives.

You blame yourself for her affair.
The would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.
If I had only been paying attention. If I could only read her mind. If I had been this, done this, been more like this.
This is another asterisk you need to remove.

I am finding it difficult to understand why it sounds like I am blaming myself for my wife’s decision to cheat. I’m not unwilling to consider that I am, but are you willing to consider that I am not?

She had options, though she did not necessarily see them at the time which then begs the question; did she, in practicality, have alternative options? When a person is under pressure and panicking they just don’t see what is in front of them. They lunge instead of reach, often causing a catastrophic result. My position is that I missed opportunities to create a safer place for my wife. And yes, if I, and she, had been "paying attention" we might have both avoided the affair. I don’t mean to be stubborn, (Some might disagree.) but I just don’t understand why that sounds like I am justifying my wife’s decision or taking on the responsibility for her choice.

Yes, she may have had the affair anyway, no way to know. But I do not believe she was "destined" to have an affair. Affairs often happen, not because a person is a selfish shithead but because there are both current and past events in their lives that set them up to make terrible decisions. The fact is, I wasn’t paying close enough attention to the life we both chose to be living that was not healthy for my spouse. All I am saying is that I have accountability in not recognizing that some of my choices played a role in my wife’s unhappiness and feelings of desperation.

he could have made so many different decisions. There was a place she still needed to learn to fill for herself that she was using this other person to get. This is the most common reason people cheat.

This is true and I wanted to be, and should have been, that person but, because of the relationship that "we" built together, she could not see how I could be that person, so she made a desperate move. I would be remiss if I did not admit to myself and others here that she discovered important things about herself, that she was unable to with me, which have led to her being healthier and happier. Were there better ways for her to go about this discovery? Hell yes! But she didn’t see it. I am not justifying her or anyone for having an affair, it is me trying to understand and be honest about why my wife had her affair and the end results of her affair. Please understand, I am conflicted, not confident.

Ummm... my math skills may be a little fuzzy, but weren't your kids born well before the affair?

Yes. I didn’t phrase my words well enough and my way of wording could have led to a wrong conclusion.
The problem with infidelity, is one of the big fears of a betrayed is, how many others were there? Every close opposite friend of the wayward becomes a possible affair partner. The mind of the betrayed becomes overactive with flaring imaginations and flaming indictments, such as, are my kids mine?

What I know now is that my wife had the capacity to cheat. She had the desire to cheat. She believed she would never be caught cheating. The thing I will never know is when did she step onto the path of being a cheater and when did she step off? Was it before my kid’s birth or after? I have ideas, I have wanted beliefs, I have her words, what I will never have is full confidence. And that is a terrible place to find oneself and a horrific thing for a wife to do to her husband!

"You cannot reason a person out of a position he did not reason himself into in the first place."

That is a cool quote but, honestly, I don’t agree with it.

Asterisk

KitchenDepth,

The thoughts and opinions of the opposite sex is extremely important, and I welcome and value your addition to this conversation. This loss of confidence is one that only the male side of the equation is possibly saddled with. I know, out of every statement of doubt I shared with my wife, this was the most devastating for her to realize she had created and can never fix. It just is.

Thanks for your understanding,

Asterisk

Bos,

I also have to be honest that it scares the hell out of me that some of you are still on here after DDay + years and years.

And I can see that my situation has only served to add to your fear. And for that, I am deeply sorry. Maybe, the way you can view it, that might decrease your fear, is to learn from my mistakes. Don’t listen to me, listen to those here that have been successful at placing this all in the past.

Sorry about the estrangement with your dad.

Asterisk

Oldwounds,

I didn't know for a long time, but I did check his blood type, and I knew AP's blood type (AP was family friend and he was a part time EMT, and it was on his ID). So, I was eventually able to answer the question. And if somehow he wasn't all mine, I never looked at him different, and wouldn't have if the evidence went the other way.
It's different level of pain in the years I wasn't certain.

Wow, how fortunate that you had this information available to you. We looked into having a DNA test but, because by the time this worry popped into my brain our kids are adults, we needed their permission to do it. Neither of my kids know about my wife’s affair and we both see no benefit in telling them. Well, other than I could get a paternity test. To relieve my distress, my wife was going to tell our kids and though I appreciated her willingness, I told her if she did, I’d divorce her! And I meant it! The last thing I want is for the kids that I have loved all their lives to begin to wonder or have doubts that I might not love them as much if they were not genetically mine. Our pain does not need to be theirs!!! I know from what I have at times read here, that some will disagree, but I am "firm" on this.

Hopefully, venting here as often as you need will prove somewhat cathartic as you work toward healing up some more.

It does. It doesn’t.

Asterisk