Been reading this thread with interest. Before addressing the initial question from the OP that started this dicussion, I want to comment on another contributor's, DRSOOLERS post (something I rarely do):
The underlying principle does not change when supporting a betrayed spouse. In the wake of acute trauma, panic, fear, or codependency, what someone desperately wants in the short term can directly undermine their long-term safety and wellbeing. A betrayed partner might want to rug-sweep, accept ongoing disrespect, or surrender essential boundaries out of sheer terror of losing the relationship. Treating a person's immediate desire as sacrosanct under the guise of "meeting them where they are" risks validating decisions driven by trauma rather than clarity.
There is a vital distinction between stripping someone of their agency and offering a crucial reality check.
I challenge those initial impulses because we see the alternative play out on this forum every all the time: individuals returning four, five, or ten years down the line, filled with profound regret and wishing deeply that they had taken a different path. They spend precious, irreplaceable years exhausting themselves to rebuild something that was never actually viable, only to end up having to start completely over a decade later.
And
Many betrayed partners desperately want reconciliation without auditing whether their own self-worth, principles, and emotional thresholds can actually withstand it. WWTL’s account highlights the tragic cost of forcing a reconciliation process you aren't built to survive: spending years trying to endure the unendurable, only to realize the resentment has irreversibly corroded you anyway. That potential outcome needs to be part of the conversation upfront. You could argue I spend too much time on this but I feel it important to.
Furthermore, many betrayed partners look back years down the line at how they desperately clung to the relationship with feelings of intense shame and disgust. Retrospectively, they acknowledge that their behaviour during that panic-driven phase was entirely out of alignment with their usual self-respect and dignity. Whilst I would always advise anyone in that position to offer themselves grace considering the severe trauma they were undergoing, that does not change the reality. If a voice had actively challenged their betrayal fog early on, it might have saved them years of regret and self-flagellation. Pushing back on trauma-driven wants isn't about arrogance or cruelty; it is about trying to protect someone from losing years of their life to a slow-motion disaster.
Sometimes, it appears to me, some members of this community doesn't view infidelity as the abuse that it is. Perhaps I'm too strong of a counter-point to that position but I think it's good to have all voices.
All of this resonates strongly with me. Decades ago, as a young, faithful Husband and Father, woefully unprepared for the fall out of marital treason, I lived much of tbe above for the better part of a decade. I honestly dont know what was worse, the treason or the self defeating way I dealt with it.
That said, I wish someone had said similar words to me in the midst of the mental-emotional maelstrom. Would I have listened? Honestly, maybe not, but I would have had the chance to.
DRSOOLERS represents a long line of stronger, more strident voices on this site and, imo, are much needed and act as a bookend to those less so and of a different bent.
Now, to the initial question:
In other words, does the initially imposed NC require *continual* policing by the BS, or does it *eventually* become naturally, effortlessly, voluntarily, self-imposed by the WS? If the former is true, reconciliation probably has a low chance of success. But if the latter is true, I'd imagine the chance of reconciliation is higher.
Of course, requiring no contact is a logical initial response/requirement of the Faithful Spouse for the Traitor, however, that action item does not and cannot plumb the depths of what the FS really needs to know, and that is capacity. Does the TS even have the capacity to do so? Peel that back and then you have the question of accountability. Do they have the capacity to be voluntarily accountable and not just "white knuckling" it? My TW could not. She resented accountability and if there were ever a sign that I should have exited stage left, it was this. I learned the hard way that not only would she not, she couldnt. She did not have the capacity. She was stuck and could not move forward into the maturity and integrity needed to be a safe partner for anyone.
So how is the Faithful Spouse to know? The TS can, of course, fake it for a while. They can continue to try and deceive (many are good at that). Still, there is a tell, and that is attitude. Attitude tends to slip out regardless of tbe facade. Frustration. Disgust. Anger. All tells that they are not "all in" and the FS is misplacing what little trust they have left.
There have been examples on this site of TS's keeping no contact, but their hearts were clearly not in it and showed little empathy for the FS, This is exemplified by the sad non confession of "Im just sorry I hurt you". Yeh, thats another strong tell imo that more misery awaits (ask me how I know).
[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 5:05 PM, Tuesday, August 18th]
